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Rena Notes


TB

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Rena kind of feels like I'm her Jacky I guess. Otherwise she doesn't believe she's her. It's a sad story to her and kind of rings close to home with the tulpamancy issues I've had. 

Creation for creation's sake.

 

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Resident Dojikko

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  • 3 weeks later...
(edited)

I'm going to try to meditate at least  one hour, hopefully more, for the rest of the month (and in perpetuity) but at the end of the month I will hope my concentration and discipline is higher enough to start active forcing again. If I need to, I may make it 2 months. When I start forcing again I will see if there is reason enough to continue this progress report. I feel there is a lot that can happen with Rena becoming more real and powerful, and doing things like achieving the various impositions of the many senses. Here goes nothing I guess

 

I will also practice wearing different ontologies. Right now I'm a nihilistic s!@# lord with a depressing material view of the world with no magic or interest. I want to go back to how I was when I believed in the supernatural a bit and that tulpas have souls. Idk maybe that's a bad idea. I also don't know how to just change my views like that but I will try. Maybe a different ontology to any I've ever had would be good, too

Edited by TB

Creation for creation's sake.

 

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Resident Dojikko

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Good luck! We are kinda good at conscious cognitive dissonance ngl. You probably have to be in order to willfully change your views, since there'd probably be a transition period between the two ontologies. Or maybe there's some way people can trigger a fast and hard switch. who knows

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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Thanks

 

3 minutes ago, harvestmoon said:

We are kinda good at conscious cognitive dissonance ngl.

 

And what makes you good at conscious cognitive dissonance? What is that like exactly and what do you  mean? I imagine it is painful and one should just go with the truth but reality sucks the way it is

Creation for creation's sake.

 

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Resident Dojikko

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An example would be my host believing in the supernatural and disbelieving in the supernatural at the same time. He is fully skeptical of and actively disbelieves in the supernatural and thinks things like ghosts, gods, afterlife, etc are all phony. At the same time, he can believe in an afterlife if he wants to. He can believe in an afterlife and disbelieve in an afterlife at the same time. This is different from him being unsure or him quickly switching between two ideas (note: I think people would be skeptical of this the same way people are skeptical of parallel processing). He can believe contradictory things at once and be aware of the contradiction, and his awareness doesn't break either belief.

 

It's not painful. It is weird. I think if it were painful then one of the contradictory beliefs would have to crumble. They can remain intact because the contradiction isn't painful.

 

I don't usually attempt this. I'm usually comfortable believing whatever and don't see the need to disbelieve at the same time (which I consider different from being not 100% sure). My host on the other hand wants to reap the rewards of a more opened mind without losing his skepticism. Despite me not using this trick very much I think I inspired it and I'm what powers it. I think he trusts he can compartmentalize well enough as he created me, plus I have an interest in belief alteration and memory manipulation (still too cowardly to do a real experiment). Gee, now I'm going to be thinking about that again. But anyway he created me without losing himself so I think that gave him the confidence to think he could adopt a belief without losing another contradictory one. I do think it's easier for two contradictory personalities to coexist rather than two contradictory beliefs held by the same personality (and be aware of it, since cognitive dissonance is obv pretty common), but that's just speaking from our limited experience.

 

Hopefully this makes some sense we're getting hungry LOL. Good luck I hope you enjoy ur time with Rena!!!

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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2 hours ago, TB said:

I'm going to try to meditate at least  one hour, hopefully more, for the rest of the month (and in perpetuity) but at the end of the month I will hope my concentration and discipline is higher enough to start active forcing again. If I need to, I may make it 2 months. When I start forcing again I will see if there is reason enough to continue this progress report. I feel there is a lot that can happen with Rena becoming more real and powerful, and doing things like achieving the various impositions of the many senses. Here goes nothing I guess

 

That sounds really good! Meditating for a full hour seems like a dream! Phil and I are lucky to hit 10 minutes. 😄 Good luck with imposition of the many senses! I've always felt that the more senses you can use the better! (And the sense of smell is really underrated for imposition!)

 

2 hours ago, TB said:

I will also practice wearing different ontologies

 

That sounds like a good experiment, but you know you can observe different ontologies without having to wear them! But maybe it's not enough to observe them, you have to experience them?

 

2 hours ago, TB said:

Right now I'm a nihilistic s!@# lord with a depressing material view of the world with no magic or interest. I want to go back to how I was when I believed in the supernatural a bit and that tulpas have souls. Idk maybe that's a bad idea. I also don't know how to just change my views like that but I will try. Maybe a different ontology to any I've ever had would be good, too

 

Phil was a strictly materialist thinker for many years, but even during those times there were still some non-materialist thoughts he couldn't shake. I struggle with this a bit too; on the one hand I am inclined to be materialistic, but on the other hand I'm not sure pure materialism tells the whole story or is even a healthy philosophy. Still, I think magical thinking is far more dangerous unless it is accompanied by a healthy dose of skepticism. I really don't know how to thread the needle on this one. I wish you luck! 😊

 

21 minutes ago, harvestmoon said:

An example would be my host believing in the supernatural and disbelieving in the supernatural at the same time. He is fully skeptical of and actively disbelieves in the supernatural and thinks things like ghosts, gods, afterlife, etc are all phony. At the same time, he can believe in an afterlife if he wants to. He can believe in an afterlife and disbelieve in an afterlife at the same time. This is different from him being unsure or him quickly switching between two ideas (note: I think people would be skeptical of this the same way people are skeptical of parallel processing). He can believe contradictory things at once and be aware of the contradiction, and his awareness doesn't break either belief.

 

Yeah, I feel this. I don't believe in the supernatural, yet I pray, I believe I have a soul, and think it's at least possible that our souls can be reborn in new bodies after we die. I believe with all my heart that I first met Phil before either of us existed in this physical body. With my heart. With my head I think it's impossible. Cognitive dissonance aaugh!!! 😄

 

I think TB you're going to have to make a decision as to whether you are searching for truth of searching for comfort. Because those might lead you to two different places! My host has always been a truth-oriented person and that has come at the expense of his happiness and even his prosperity. But that's just the way he's built. With you, I don't know, I can't tell you what is best. I believe we all need something to keep us hopeful, even if it's a tad bit irrational. As long as we don't lose ourselves in the irrationality.

 

Enough philosophical Simmie for today! 😄 Hopefully some of that was interesting and/or helpful to you, TB! 😊

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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  • 8 months later...

I messed up writing this like 3 times already, it is so frustrating copying quotes from multiple pages. Here goes writing this again for the 3rd or 4th time...

 

I thought I'd check this progress report and see that I hadn't posted in it for 2 years or something, but it has only been about 8 months. Not bad. I think there is a year gap on the previous page, though...

 

On 11/27/2021 at 5:30 PM, TB said:

She's come to me and taught me what seems to be advanced meditation techniques too. I've only used it a couple times. It is very energetic, well for me anyway.

Why did I not describe the meditation? I have totally forgotten what it was. That's frustrating. I haven't channeled Byakko in a while, maybe she can tell me again... That'd help my belief in something more than just the material, kind of...

 

On 2/5/2023 at 7:02 PM, TB said:

I'm going to try to meditate at least  one hour, hopefully more, for the rest of the month (and in perpetuity) but at the end of the month I will hope my concentration and discipline is higher enough to start active forcing again. If I need to, I may make it 2 months. When I start forcing again I will see if there is reason enough to continue this progress report. I feel there is a lot that can happen with Rena becoming more real and powerful, and doing things like achieving the various impositions of the many senses. Here goes nothing I guess

This both succeeded and failed. I did start meditating an hour or more a day for a while, but after a few months went down to like 30 minutes again, and then became cursed with meditating lying down, which makes the mind have low energy and the meditation ineffective. I did not get my old benefits I once got from meditating so much for some reason. It is highly disappointing, and I don't know what went wrong. I am trying to learn to meditate sitting again so it can hopefully improve. I may have to just meditate 3+ hours a day for a few months to get my old benefits, because the short retreat I did gave me minor benefits, and I meditated roughly 3 to 4 hours a day I think. 

 

On 2/5/2023 at 7:02 PM, TB said:

I will also practice wearing different ontologies. Right now I'm a nihilistic s!@# lord with a depressing material view of the world with no magic or interest. I want to go back to how I was when I believed in the supernatural a bit and that tulpas have souls. Idk maybe that's a bad idea. I also don't know how to just change my views like that but I will try. Maybe a different ontology to any I've ever had would be good, too

I believe in magic somewhat now so that's cool again. Though it may just be a psychological thing... I'm not sure. I want to practice magic once my concentration becomes exponentially stronger. If I experience it for myself maybe It will help change my beliefs. This is because someone I give a lot of credit too believes in and practices magic, and so I kind of thing wow, if he believes in magic there must be something there about it that is real, right? Dude is a retired emergency room doctor. Daniel Ingram. He describes being able to switch ontologies on the fly depending on the situation. So if that is possible maybe I should learn too, but I feel that just causes dissonance like I said, so idk...

 

On 2/5/2023 at 9:38 PM, TurboSimmie said:

That sounds really good! Meditating for a full hour seems like a dream! Phil and I are lucky to hit 10 minutes. 😄 Good luck with imposition of the many senses! I've always felt that the more senses you can use the better! (And the sense of smell is really underrated for imposition!)

Still far from that right now. I need my concentration to get better. I recently got ADHD meds, so maybe that helps. I typically meditate before taking them though in the morning, because I don't want to cheat. 

 

On 2/5/2023 at 9:38 PM, TurboSimmie said:

That sounds like a good experiment, but you know you can observe different ontologies without having to wear them! But maybe it's not enough to observe them, you have to experience them?

Right

 

On 2/5/2023 at 9:10 PM, harvestmoon said:

An example would be my host believing in the supernatural and disbelieving in the supernatural at the same time. He is fully skeptical of and actively disbelieves in the supernatural and thinks things like ghosts, gods, afterlife, etc are all phony. At the same time, he can believe in an afterlife if he wants to.

That's crazy but I am kind of doing it... I kind of believe there is no afterlife but at the same time feel there has to be. I think it is just my desperation to not cease existing though. Becoming an Arhat should fix this theoretically, because you experience dying and not existing in the process of becoming one. You have to die before you die. 

 

On 2/5/2023 at 9:38 PM, TurboSimmie said:

Phil was a strictly materialist thinker for many years, but even during those times there were still some non-materialist thoughts he couldn't shake. I struggle with this a bit too; on the one hand I am inclined to be materialistic, but on the other hand I'm not sure pure materialism tells the whole story or is even a healthy philosophy. Still, I think magical thinking is far more dangerous unless it is accompanied by a healthy dose of skepticism. I really don't know how to thread the needle on this one. I wish you luck! 😊

I can understand... 

 

 

So what's going on lately is I have been switching with Rena a lot. They are usually weak switches that feel pretty fake, but I am trying to see if brute forcing it for a long time makes it eventually real. It kind of works on some days actually, then others not so much. It doesn't help she is doing basically what I would do if it was me switched in, because she has lived her whole life next to me and only knows to do what I do I guess. She has to explore somehow? But it is hard. Any advice for that?

 

I also got a job recently but also am trying to get SSI. I hope it doesn't ruin my chances... It is just so hard to not have an income though, and I was surviving because my dad was giving me the bare minimum amount of money to pay my rent and bills, with usually nothing left over. Maybe I should have just stuck with that even though it is rough, until I see if I get SSI. But I only work 16 hours a week for a small salary. This job is both stressful to me and the chillest job ever. I have to knock on girl bathroom doors and call out to see if anyone is in there, and it is super nerve wracking to me, especially if there are people around. Some bathrooms have curtains instead of doors, and for some reason people will shut the curtain even though no one is in there, so it makes me not know and I have to ask, which with my anxiety makes it hard... I almost just opened the curtain on someone before, so that was embarrassing. And I've called out to girl's bathrooms and there was a girl in there but they decided to not say anything. It's kind of horrible. 

 

On the other hand, I get like 4 to 5 hours each time to do whatever I want. I'm actually typing this progress report while at work now. I got a laptop so I basically pretend I'm at home doing whatever I want for over half my shift. There is also a chic fil a nearby, which was my first time experiencing it. I think it is fairly good, but expensive. It seems no matter what I order it is about 10 dollars. If I leave out fries or a drink, still 10 dollars. If I get everything, it is 10 dollars. I don't get it. 

 

I almost quit this job but everyone I talked to about it told me I should stay, and my dad said this is the easiest job I'll ever find so it'd be a shame to lose it, and I kind of agree despite the stressful situations that come up. My old job at Gabe's warehouse became way more stressful... I used to have fun at that job actually. Idk how I did it, I was working full time in a job where you have to work non stop the whole shift with like only a 30 minute lunch and a 15 minute break. But it was like a videogame to me so it was enjoyable, at least until I start getting harassed by another worker, calling me lazy, just because I was having a lot of difficulty getting boxes on skids because they were too large, which that started happening more and more so that's why I quit. No one teaches you how to deal with that and it wasn't possible to cope. I basically would just fail and create a massive mess that needs to be cleaned up by the people in the night shift. So many boxes on the line that the line stops, and all the boxes sitting on the ground so you can't get through anywhere, it was horrible and made me feel like an incompetent idiot. The girl that harassed me left though as do most people. There is like 5 people that have worked there for years and then everyone else will work a few weeks then quit. We have no one to do anything and always had to do the work of multiple people at the same time. One day there was literally only like me and two other people. When it is smaller boxes coming at a not too insane pace, I work super hard and get a lot done, and get praised for it by the supervisor. I remember him once just sneaking up behind me and patting me on the back, and when I turn to look at him he is just walking away. It was so cool and surreal, lol. Now I'm just rambling again. 

 

Anyway the point is this job is basically the opposite of my old job. It's less stressful minus checking bathrooms, and you don't have to work constantly. I don't know if I should have put this in my tulpamancy progress report, I intended it to be a couple of short paragraphs but I said a lot more than I meant to. Oh well. A life update. How my life is going and has gone is relevant to how I do tulpamancy. I couldn't really even think of Rena at Gabe's I was so busy, and this job she he beside me all the time, as we discuss roleplaying ideas. 

 

Anyhow I came here to post description of some of the visuals I saw during a meditation I did just recently. I'll just copy and paste what I told my friend. It isn't everything because it was so much I couldn't take it all in. 

 

"I just meditated 19 minutes and it was the craziest thing ever
[6:29 PM]
So many images and realms and stuff behind my eyelids. I was going through a bus or train filled with red men, like overflowing with them. Then I'd see the inside of my own eyeball, then it'd turn into a bunch of swarming cells and then I'd be going down a tunnel and see weird tentacle things coming from the meat walls. They have a little eye or mouth at the tip that glows. I also tested if I could control it at all so I attempted to summon a dragon, and it worked, though it was more vague than the other stuff I was seeing. I felt powerful. Then there was a bunch of alien religious fanatics swarming to a room with this weird alien with no face, just blue light for the front and back of his head
[6:29 PM]
I then also saw a bunch of dancing seaweed on the ceilings and floor having a rave
[6:30 PM]
And glowing blue light under the meat and plants covering up a little cove in the meat
[6:30 PM]
Also saw a red bat, and then a demon that consumed me and turned everything blank red"

 

Finished this just in time to do my second round. See you in an hour and 45 minutes approximately

Creation for creation's sake.

 

More of my drawings

 

Resident Dojikko

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