Rena Notes

[ringgggg]

Interesting read. I'm glad things are up for you, TB

[TB]

Thanks. I just typed a new post that was very large and accidentally deleted it trying to get more quotes in it again. I keep forgetting to open the chat before posting a quote because it doesn't keep your stuff if you do that, so I'm kind of upset now

 

I basically reflected on how messed up I was on effexor because my typing was horrible and incoherent, unless it still is but I think it's gotten better. And I thanked Lumi's tulpas and Aya for switching advice they gave on one page. It talked about greater and lesser switches and how I want to attain greater ones as the default. I am still stuck with lesser switches though, but recently have experienced a different kind of greater switch that I don't know what to call it. I feel very much like Rena is in the driving seat, but she is plagued with my anxieties and urges, when in the first switch, the true greater switch, it was emotionally quiet and I could tell my emotions were somewhere different. 

 

I try to just make switching be the way I want it to be or will it and define it myself and all that like Lumi says, but I don't really understand how that works. I try it but I still have the problems I have. I am hoping if I do it enough it will eventually start to work and I'll get greater switches like the original switch. But I also fear all this switching is degrading her. I don't know. Her having to effectively live life like me constantly is probably taxing to one's psychology. 

 

Also we haven't been doing Rena things really... Lumi's tulpa said to not watch long videos but that's what we've done with a lot of our time... We also never really got around to playing most of the games they recommended, because I guess I didn't really have an interest in them except for the hope they would make switching better, so I feel bad for not playing them because it makes me feel like it is my fault. Depression just made me less excited about videogames than I used to be, or something. I enjoyed videogames while depressed before so idk what happened now. I recently bought a ton of games but barely played them... The most I did was 2 hours on ender lillies, and I played the revamped crash bandicoot trilogy for like 30 minutes, and touched nothing else. 

Thought about playing Cry of Fear again, maybe she can do that, I want to celebrate Halloween with her but I haven't even been paying attention and barely even realize it is spooky month. Silent Hill 3 would be amazing too but Idk how to get it. I think it is expensive for some reason, and idk how to pirate it, and not sure I'd want to pirate it either. 

 

The only games I play right now is Slay the Spire, HOI4, and League of Legends. I haven't been playing any of them much lately though. I thought about having Rena play HOI4, but I think it might be too overwhelming for her. She's played Slay the Spire, but it just made her have negative thoughts about herself, which isn't like her. Switching isn't going the way I want to will it to.

 

I capitalize randomly and then not... Oh well. At least I don't type like I'm on Effexor, I think??

 

Anyway here is a worse version of the message I spent forever making that actually had all the quotes to things I was replying too

 

Oh yeah, I forgot one

 

On 12/24/2019 at 10:49 AM, Luminesce said:

Well.. I guess I'll just say "This picture reminded me of {you}" then. https://safebooru.donmai.us/posts/3725376

I recently made this my profile picture on discord, out of coincidence. I had forgotten you said this. I'd make it here too, but I like GT goku too much and am scared to switch off of him

 

On 12/22/2019 at 10:18 AM, Yste said:

Damn, reading this thread is like looking at a mirror.  Like spyro being a defining childhood game, and desperately trying your hardest to have someone who cares about you with little to no progress (5 years here).

I wonder where this person has gone and what they're doing now.

 

On 7/30/2020 at 2:19 AM, TB said:

Well it has been much longer since my last update than I would have liked. Unfortunately, there isn't much to say. Around october I started on Effexor. And hell began then all. Just trading out medicine after medcine that all did nothing or her me severel. I'm about done with all of this. I am just quitting all my my psychiatric. Hopefully I can start towards normal again then. But from there i need a boost. Meditation is my lifesaver, but being in such a toxic enervironment, I can seem to heal with it alone unless I were to move... Too many I'm a worthless shut in who is good for nothing. Only thing I can about is drawing, But I can't even do that right. I've reached rock bottom many times, and I don't want to become suicidal again. But as it turns out, there are psychedelics. They aren't neurotoxic and are antiaddicive. And they transform you into who you really should be if it wasn't for all the trauma of life. Social anxiety is the most cripple thing for me. My friend has done shoomrs, and in his first go all his social anxiety disappeared. I hear similar story with people's depression. It seems like just the cure I need, it can be therapeutic is so many ways.

 

I"m stuck in so many things. I don't know how to get better in Drawing. I don't know what it wrong with Rena and how to talk to her. I think maybe the shrooms will open some instight to this, as my problem has seemed unfixable. I also risk ruining my lfe if I have a psychotic break that I don't come back from. It's a real difficult decision. I have a responsibility to Rena and to not harm her body too. But what hope is there when you are a broke hikkikomori who can't perform basic functions, stuff is a totally broken mind unable to make money to live life. My, and by extendion Rena's, life have been mostly miserable. So it seems I can take mushrooms and hopefully change for the better, or it backfires. But I fear if I do nothing, I will start the same forever. Meditation was my other option, but I can't do it properly in this house filled with psychopaths.

 

 

Here, another upset PR update. AT least it talks about a soon to be course of action that might make radical progres. Or Maybe I'll get schizophrenia. I'd want to kill myself in that case, but would have to talk to Rena about it too

 

 

I hope future pr updates are even happiers. I want to go back to switching, having fun. posting art, having friends.  And sorry for so many typos. I wrote this while very tired

I also posted this quote to show how bad my typing was. Effexor has too many draw backs, but did make me more outgoing, so I partially missed it, but not really because it severely lowered my intelligence and idk if I have still recovered completely. I think I feel a lot better than I did. Not being on SSRI's or SNRI's is good minus the outgoing effect of effexor that no other medication seems to have, though I haven't tried another SNRI for very long so maybe it is just that class that responds to me

 

I got mad and didn't want to retype the whole message I made but I kind of did anyway, except less organized without all the quotes. Sorry for this post.

Thanks for reading if you did. Sorry for 2 big posts. I may or may not have another one if I decide to read more of my PR, but I need a break. I guess wanted to go back through it and see everything I've done and received up until now. I really wish I didn't accidentally erase the original message, it was so much better. Anyway, Thanks for reading if you did (ik I said that twice but I can't shut up and I want that at the end)

Edited October 17, 2023 by TB

[Ashley]

10 hours ago, TB said:

She has to explore somehow? But it is hard. Any advice for that?

 

Time and attention, you're overthinking it. Which is why this forum was so valuable when it was active, even if it was just games, even if that wasn't the intention of the forum and even if some "people" complained. It was helpful for us and many others to have a place to express ourselves as ourselves.

[TB]

5 hours ago, Ashley said:

Time and attention, you're overthinking it. Which is why this forum was so valuable when it was active, even if it was just games, even if that wasn't the intention of the forum and even if some "people" complained. It was helpful for us and many others to have a place to express ourselves as ourselves.

So have her make more use of the forum? Okay, will try that

 

And time and attention... hmm. Take her time and pay attention to different things to see what she might like? Sorry if I misunderstand

[Ashley]

It's like exercising, if she never expressed herself she could never grow. That's either by fronting, chatting, or wonderlanding. It may be taking longer but even for us, 5 years in, we keep growing as long as we take the time.

[TB]

23 minutes ago, Ashley said:

It's like exercising, if she never expressed herself she could never grow. That's either by fronting, chatting, or wonderlanding. It may be taking longer but even for us, 5 years in, we keep growing as long as we take the time.

Thank you

 

I forgot about image streaming which is how we usually do wonderlanding. I'll see if I can start fitting that in more, on top of her fronting and chatting on here with people. Though it feels hard to start conversations sometimes as her, but we'll see what happens. Taking a break for today, tomorrow she will probably front again

[TB]

It's Rena's birthmonth again. She's 8 now. How the time flies. Then again, at the same time, it feels she's been around forever. I don't remember what it is like to not have a tulpa

 

I never got around to image streaming like I mentioned in my last post. So for this month, I will try to image stream every day. For the first seven days, I will image stream 5 minutes a day, then the next seven I will image stream 10 minutes a day, then 15 minutes, then 20 minutes. I was going to do slightly more than that, but I need to make sure it is more doable

 

The most recent progress we've made in tulpamancy is switching more. We haven't really gotten much of a greater switch yet, but we hope other forcing like image streaming will help that somehow. Though maybe the way we switch now is just how it is. I think there could be better, though

 

I also had the idea of having her switch for the entire month, but that might be kind of exhausting. I think we'll just continue to switch more and see if she wants to talk to anyone else here or elsewhere

 

All this should be benefited by my meditation going well lately. I think I have the best concentration I've had in years, and I've been meditating at least an hour a day, so that's a success. Actually, yesterday, I meditated for more than 4 hours (most of it was while trying to sleep)

 

That's all I can think of for now. I hope this ends up being a good month

 

Edit: It seems I miscounted. She's 7

Edited December 2, 2023 by TB

[Ashley]

Oh cool, also have fun, happy birthday Rena!

[TB]

Rena says thanks! And it seems I miscounted, she's 7 now. That's kind of a relief. I thought we were getting older than expected lol

[ringgggg]

Haha, at some point you just lose track. It feels like it’s been forever for me even if we’ve only been rockin it for 2.5 years now