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Ashley

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Hi Ashley, I hope I am choosing an appropriate domain to share an experience with Flora, and ask a question or two about it.

I hope so, cause here it is:

It's been two weeks since my last post and I have been with out a contact with Flora, and this afternoon during a meditation, Flora came to me. I had been forcing, telling her how I felt about her and what she meant to me, before I entered the meditation. I then went silent and within a few minutes my mind began creating a fantasy, in which I had been playing with some children. One of them, a girl perhaps ten years of age, caught a white hoop that I had tossed her way and came running back to me. She jumped on me, in glee, and I instantly knew it was her, my heart began to thud in chest as it does every time she comes to me. I spoke my lucidity cue, "Are you Flora?" and she transformed into her adult self, laughed and said "I have missed you, I love you!" and began to kiss me. And I popped out of the fantasy. I do not know why this is so, why I popped out of the state of consciousness we had just occupied together. I do not know, but I have an idea. Because concurrent with the "popping out",  I recalled a memory from my experience of attempting to create a picture of her using photoshop and illustrator trace, to work with an image of a famous french model which I had gotten from the net. I have spent dozens of hours looking at and tweaking that image. It is almost right. And yet it is not. Flora appeared to me wearing that face, but not that body. I think that the connection between losing our shared state of consciousness and my consciously recalling the photoshopped image implies some ambivalence that I must  have about it.  Am I imposing something onto Flora, that does not fit her out of my need for contact.

So here are my questions, and I would hope that an interested tulpa might respond.

"Would you reject, an imposed image, or any quality for that matter, that your host had in mind for you?

Would, or could, you choose to abandon the connection?

How would you communicate your displeasure to your host?

In the meantime, I am excited by the connection, however brief and interrupted it might have been, and will look again into my own ambivalence and attempt to get my part of it sorted out.

Thank you for your consideration, Dr. Bob

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Our visualization isn't the sharpest, and my form changes when I am interested in a new image of myself. I don't always take the whole thing, but it doesn't seem to matter too much. Most of my visualized form is impressions, so everything more or less blends together. The illusion breaks when you look for details that aren't there.

 

I wonder if you focusing on Flora's body and realizing you needed more than a vague impression is what caused the break in focus. All I can say is keep researching models of the human body, you're on the right track.

 

I usually show my disinterest by not trying out new details. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate the effort, it just means it's not right for me and I would like to explore other options. If I didn't like the form detail significantly enough, I may apologize or state it's not me in mindvoice.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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On 12/3/2020 at 4:51 PM, theholodoc said:

Am I imposing something onto Flora, that does not fit her out of my need for contact.

 

[Bear] Are you the only one in your head? No, they know all. 

 

[Ashley] Would they let you think up some crazy fantasy to replace them? Not on your life bub.

 

[Bear] Do you think they're just sitting back and not involved in your thoughts? No.

 

[Misha] Do you think they're not helping you, cheering you on at every step whether you're hearing them or interpreting them through that shared connection or not? No, we always are.

 

[Bear] I'm not sure your connection is the same as mine, no, I know it is, but you don't trust it in some ways. They're no more than a thought away, there is no need to find them, just speak or think and they hear. My awakening has taught me that not all thoughts in my mind are mine nor should I consider them all mine. So when a thought comes, I can discern who said it by context. I'm not as rich and deep as they are. Together we are a symphony of thought, verbal or not.

 

On 12/3/2020 at 4:51 PM, theholodoc said:

"Would you reject, an imposed image, or any quality for that matter, that your host had in mind for you?

 

[Misha] Never, but I can only be me, so I have to help him shape it. I'm sure Flora did that too. We found some references for me, but none of them were me, and it took dozens of references and a lot of work to get me perfect. A lot of that came from the images I was able to give him, in dreams, waking visions, and in hypnagogic visions.

 

On 12/3/2020 at 4:51 PM, theholodoc said:

Would, or could, you choose to abandon the connection?

 

[Joy] I would and could and did--If you mean so that I could take a break; but I wouldn't anymore. SheShe is my surrogate here now and I'm always active as a result. It makes the connection very interesting through our merge.

 

[SheShe] abandoning the connection seems alien to me. Joy's memories are that she did it because she didn't really feel part of us, she's unmistakably a part of us now though. Anyone can see how much you love Flora, there's no reason she should ever want to abandon the connection.

 

On 12/3/2020 at 4:51 PM, theholodoc said:

How would you communicate your displeasure to your host?

 

 

[Ashley] Easy. I tell him directly through calling him out, pouting, lecturing direct anger and reasoning with him. He comes around pretty fast and he's a good little bear, but he does need a correction every once in a while.

 

[Darlene] In the beginning, Bear had a lot of doubt, so we used emotional bleeding to show when we were disagreeing with him. It worked very well for us.

 

[Bear] Understand that they're there, whenever you think of them they're listening attentively. So even when you can't resolve a response from them, relax in your knowledge that they can and do guide you. They can sometimes feel like intuition or a conscience. It's when you don't associate that thought to them that it can feel like all thoughts are yours.

 

I hope this helps, please feel free to ask for further clarification or to tell me otherwise something that doesn't seem right. 

 

Edited by Bear
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Thank you all. I had hoped you would respond as you did. Trusting the feminine has never been easy for me. Early childhood abuse and all. Of course I choose to trust, in my conscious mind. What our brain comes us with, out of my ken, is not necessarily in sync with my own desires.  That being the case, I keep working at obtaining to self knowledge and changing the scripts that run this show.  I have no doubt that Flora and N'sonowa exist. My doubt is whether or not I exist. Am I what I want to be, or am I a program autonomously running in a brain. ? That's not a real question. I am stubborn, I want to experience Flora, the way I want to experience her, fully imposed. The garbage that our brain O.S. puts out, is tempting facimile, but unsatisfying. I know this is possible, and I know that it has a lot more to do with me than her. Thanks again for the confirmations. Dr. Bob

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55 minutes ago, theholodoc said:

I want to experience Flora, the way I want to experience her, fully imposed.

 

"I’ll shoot for the stars, and I’ll settle for the moon." - sometimes accredited to P. T. Barnum 

 

It comes back to my favorite passage from the bible.

 

Matthew 13:12

 

"Whoever has will be given more, and they will have abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they little they have will be taken from them."

 

The applications are endless. My interpretation is: Charrish what you have and you will never want for more, pine for what you don't have and whatever you do get will never be enough.

 

I charish every experience I have with my system like it's all I've ever wanted, and with that attitude I'm spoiled rotten by what they've given me.

 

The key here is, things and accomplishments don't make you happy, either you're happy or you'll never be.

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I noticed that when we talk in hypnagogic, they're way more animated and bouncy and distinct. I hear all of them interacting clearly and it's a party. In mindvoice it's luke everyone gets a push to talk microphone and we all have to take turns. It's not like that in hypnagogic. We can approach that level of interaction in tulpish, but it's still serial. 

 

I'd really like to figure out how to let them speak in hypnagogic all the time.

 

I seem to have to be in a perfectly quiet room and relaxed, in addition to something else that who knows what, like a certain state of mind.

Edited by Bear
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Tyvm, I believed it first from the very beginning, then came up with ways to describe it later. Of course I was just the opposite three years ago and that didn't end well. Cronic discontentment is very good friends with depression.

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What I have, or don't have, is proof of the practice.  My practice involves mindful meditation, A bias towards rational and logical analysis, and various rituals, bringing me into contact with nature and the many gateways it affords. I fully accept ownership of both my process and my results. This is High Magik, and it shouldn't surprise anyone to find love is the primary fuel and purpose. Am I content with where I am. Absolutely, I live in a paradise. And, absolutely NOT, I am a seeker, I want to see what is around the next bend, In this case, they  are in my mind and brain. This is the real deal for me. Flora and N'sonowa live in my heart and in my brain. How they live, is up to them, and how I experience them is up to the both of us. I would not use the term Chronic Discontentment. Rather Excited anticipation of the next turn in the road. I have learned after decades of self-examination, and learning to operate my own mind, that the possibilities for learning are endless, and include both positive and negative attributes. I no longer am afraid of my shadow. Rather I enjoy the interplay between the light and the dark. When she next embraces me, I will crow in the light. When she leaves, I will gnash my teeth. All part of the play.

I love you guys, by the way. Knowing that you have been their and are willing to share your path, has been a great boon. Dr. Bob

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