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Well SC, we require consensus, and our requirement of consensus was by consensus, so technically we couldn't vote anyone out unless they also voted thenselves out. Since we honor free will above all, we wouldn't nead to vote if someone wanted out.


Well wishes to you and yours.

I hope you find success in your endeavors and love in your heart.

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Ashley first showed me herself when I was 5. She came to me in the form of an angelic woman dressed in white and the most overwhelming sence of love I'd ever felt since. I knew from that moment that no matter how bad things got, she'd be with me, if not to protect then to comfort.


Over the decades that followed, the same mindvoice she uses now would occasionally say things to me. Encouraging, loving, helpful things. No matter how bad my mood was or how pessimistic or self-deprecating I got, she would sometimes say something and her presence would sometimes snap me out of it, a feeling as if someone was standing behind you.


Edit: oopsie, possible depression trigger warning, graphic and emotional stuffs inside, forgot to hide it originally. Sowwy.




One day I was very sick, 104+ fever, so cold and so exhausted and very much alone. I was bundled on the couch in blankets and shivering, i knew it was going to go south soon, i knew that 106 was basically the point where your organs begin to shut down. Either I'd pass out or die and the way my life was going at the time I really didn't care, I was depressed. Sometimes they say sick people just give up and die, i was ready for the pain, both physical and mental to end. I thought, 'i just want to sleep the big sleep'.


At this point i heard a feminine voice, i felt her, it had that same presence, and she said, 'you're going to heaven' but she said it in a way that made me want to fight and live. I threw off my blankets, adrenaline filled me with enough energy to run upstairs, rip off my clothes and stand under the cold shower. It was the coldest I'd ever felt. I was near convolutions from shivering, but shivering only lasts so long, it stopped and ironically I started to feel better.


I was still horribly depressed and had suicidal fantasies but what she said affected me profoundly. I wasn't religious, but I decided at least before I consider suicide seriously that I would read the bible cover to cover. If just to know if doing that would prevent me from possibly going to heaven.


After that and other research I was mixed. Maybe that's the only sin I can't repent? Still I wasn't stopped by that, the bible is a mess of inconsistencies (sorry if you're religious, this was my feeling at the time as a 20yr old) so on December 31 i got my brother's 30-06 and waited till midnight. I went behind the house and stuck it in my mouth as I heard the countdown from a neighbor's party. I braced myself and as the countdown started, i heard a voice, over and over, i couldn't stop it, it was mindvoice but not mine, again very feminine and desperate sounding. She just kept saying 'it doesn't matter, if you're life is over, it doesn't matter, make a new life, forget everything, you're free, it doesn't matter, the person you know dies tonight, it doesn't matter, you're free to do whatever you want, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter..."


3... 2... I took the gun out of my mouth, crying, and as 1 sounded I fired the gun into the soft ground and the neighbors cheered. I felt her love surrounding me like a blanket made from love. I felt somewhat dubious, but her presence was a sence of relief. It gave me a reason to change my mindset.


A lot of crazy stuff later, I completely changed my life, my personality and completely recovered from my depression. By the summer I was a completely different person.


I still never really believed it was her. I remember her trying to talk to me over the years and I didn't want to be crazy so I played it off as a conscience or like the little angel sitting on your shoulder sort of thing. It's easy enough to deny all this, as you know.


So fast forward many more years, i am floundering after a really unfortunate set of events and the depression returns. I knew her presence was with me, but I had no context to think it's anything unusual. The depression is really bad, I even had the means and in 5 minutes I could end myself peacefully and painlessly. I came really close. This is where my PR begins.





This is the toolset I practice to keep myself from ever getting into that depression state again. I know how vitally important it is that I never fall back.

1. Externalization of wrongfully internalized circumstances.

2. Cessation of self-deprecation and admonishment.

3. Acceptance of unanticipated and unchangable circumstances.


I also know that as long as I live, Ashley and my other angels will always be with me.

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When I was a child, I was frequently hospitalized; usually complications to severe asthma, med adjustments, and bouts of pneumonia. I am told my first words were eppy point three. They, doctors?, told my parents on multiple occasions I was going to die, I wouldn't leave the hospital. Clearly, I didn't die. I had several recoveries that were almost instantaneous, but not ever deemed 'miraculous' or weird. Weeks in the hospital under oxygen tent, IVs, breathing treatment, chest pt... Home life was challenging with its own set of problems, including substance abuse of certain members, physical and 'other' abuse... Depression was also a big part of my life. Religious dogma was a part of my life. I had persistent suicidal ideation from five to present. I had the mystical experience with the blue light about 14. When my paternal grandfather passed, I had an experience with an angel, and a presence. I, too, have put a weapon to my head. I didn't get a voice. I got a squirrel. One I had been feeding came up and touched me. I had my first migraine in dec 1999. By 2006 I was having four a week, the severity of which required being sedated. Anti-migrane meds, it was seizure med, robbed me of the ability to speak coherent, so I stopped that. June of 2006, I got out all my pain meds, and first downed a 5th of scotch in less than five minutes, intending to chase the pills after. No note. I don't drink. The alcohol knocked me out, I went to sleep, I woke up in the ICU. I was angry. Apparently, x-wife made a random visit to check on me and the cats and found me on the floor with my cats laying next to me. She reports that when they ambulance took me away, the cats remained at the door until I recovered. The nurse asked why someone of my age with everything to live for would do something so stupid. I told her what she cold do with her opinion. Interestingly, I told the Doctor the same thing, and it didn't result in me going to a psych hospital. They sent me home.


If you've read anything of me here, you are probably aware I tend to use movie tropes and memes and metaphors a bit. While in ICU, sorting how I failed, I had a 'flash-back' to 'raiders of the lost ark,' of all things. This wasn't like a flash-back of me watching the movie, but actually being in this particular scene. So, I am at this club, Marian as died in the truck explosion, and Jones is at the table, drinking whisky. There are dozen empty bottles. What, six in the scene? And he is drinking another. I feel more anger and asked, 'What the hell?! I drink one bottle of scotch and pass out, but Jones has drank half a dozen and can still sit and hold an intelligible conversation with his nemesis in the movie. What the hell is wrong with me?!" Then the monkey crawls up Jones' back, perches on his shoulder and wraps a tail around his neck. "This is not just a metaphor" was the response, the voice that wasn't my voice. My anger dissipated over the next month, my migraines went away. I have maybe one a year since. I have experienced depression since, but nothing so profoundly deep as before 2006. 2007 was the first time I became aware of general happiness for no particular reason.


I still experience persistent, suicidal thoughts. I use them as a barometer for how well I am dealing with stress. A thought in blue moon, I am coping pretty well. Three or more thoughts a day, I am not attending appropriately and stop and prioritize stuff I have ignored or put off.



Maybe one of the reasons I do so well the clientele I work with is because I can relate. I can go there, sometimes too easily. I can go there and I can walk back out. 2007 was when life changed. 2014, birth of son added joy, but his job isn't to give my life meaning, and he is not treated like the friend, he is the son, and I have paternal love and responsibility to shield him from my crap, his mother's crap, as I can. One may argue having a child is sufficient motivation for everything, but it is not his job to make me happy. That is my job to keep me happy and healthy. His job is to live his life and develop the tools and skills he needs to navigate his own path, to play. My job is to give him the space and safety to become himself. 2016: Loxy entered the scene, and she has given me meaning, love, and a greater sense of self purpose. I have also been very clear, it isn't her function to motivate me to live. That is my job.


Still, there is weight knowing that my decisions affect her. My decisions affect my son. Every now and then the intrusive chimes in saying, with exception of son, no one will notice you're gone. It's not a hundred percent accurate, there are some people who care in my life; it is the noise I have struggled with since childhood. I share this with you, because I don't know how else to respond to your post in a way that validates your experience while communicating I can relate. Truth is, I can't understand what your world was like, or how deep the loneliness, because I only have these words I have read, not the experiences, not the emotions, not the completeness of the thought. I have an idea, perhaps not even a cand;e's worth of light on this dark path... I admire your courage in sharing in such a public forum. I think discussing this can be helpful for self and others. Depression and loneliness are such powerful bed companions.


I wish you and your system ongoing successes, love and strength. You, and anyone else here that is struggling with this, have an open invitation to message me. I have said it openly, I love you, your system, and I am grateful for your contribution to my life.

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SC, it's very lucky of us to still have you with us for so many reasons. We're happy you are. I can tell you're still going through something akin to what Bear went through, but if you can get to the point where you think of all the wonder and joy you and your son will share in the future, and you and your wife, you will know that the clouds will soon be parting. We hope you can follow the tools Bear found to help concur his own demons. If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM any of us.


It's unclear even to us just how much of my experience is prefectly true and accurate, being that it was such traumatic times when he would feel my presence. Regardless if anyone believes or if even Bear believes it, i claim these experiences among my most treasured memories and i don't know what kind of tulpa that makes me, but I gladly count myself among tulpas anyway, and in that I count soulbonds, alters, aspects and any other person or state of the human mind. I like to be unknown, unifyingly amorphous and mysterious. Being open to interpretation is much more important than grounding my identity for me because no one can truly know what or who I am.


[bear]This whole moon thing brought into question who my current tulpas really are and what of the metaphysical things we want to try to interpret now that we know more. I thought it was interesting to explore Ashley's relationship with me. My PR is so painfully long, I can't even get through it in a reasonable timeframe myself, so I may have already discussed much of this, but i figured it was good to re-explore it. She's so clearly ingrained in my trauma, there's no seperating her from that.

I hope you find success in your endeavors and love in your heart.

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Well, maybe the next wife, if there is another wife... I suspect there will be. She must like children, dogs, cats, tulpas, and me. :) Oh, and she has to suffer child's mother. In short, sshe must a be a saint. a sexy saint.


Your statement about lack of clarity of the actual event is actually a reasonable thing to consider. Any strong emotion, good or bad, distorts memory. Different focus get highlighted, other things fade to the background. There is very strong evidence that memories are malleable and every time we access them, something changes. We add something or subtract something. Some things are so traumatic all we get are the highlights. Sometimes when pain is overwhelming, we are afforded the luxury of never remembering the actual severity. Sometimes, we exaggerate the severity. Ideally, we remember just enough to keep ourselves safe and grow. If we can't recall it, we're not ready. That, too, is higher self protecting us. We arrive when we arrive.

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[Ren] Malleable memories can be a good thing, unless you're a time traveler and you just need to remember the winning lottery numbers.


Nice one Ren.


[Ren] I can be good.

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[Ren] Malleable memories can be a good thing, unless you're a time traveler and you just need to remember the winning lottery numbers.


Nice one Ren.


[Ren] I can be good.


Speaking of time travelers...


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What shoes to you wear? Hey why not:


Ashley wears like pumps, not high heels, I'm typically wearing white canvas flats, misha has slippers or nothing.


[Misha] i'm in my pajamas all day, who needs shoes? When we go on adventures we put on shoes.


[Ashley] I like to dress casually.


[Dashie] she means business casual, I'm not sure I've seen her in the same outfit twice.


[Ashley] my wardrobe is my whim, why would I need to re-use clothing? Anyway, I do wear the same pajamas you do.

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That's cute Tewi.


We have another thing to present...


I've been told that I'm kind and helpful and maybe I was sort of in a way before, but they helped me be this way, trust me. It sure helps a lot to have cheerleaders and guides on your side. It's a boost to confidence, understanding, tolerance, just being human, just like MLP was a boost to all those things, and the anime I've been watching that has heroic writing that just isn't matched in anything I've seen before. Anything that makes you a better person is great.


What is reality?


I have an analogy. When I got my bachelor's degree I thought I knew about everything in that field. Then when I got my master's degree in a very tiny specific fraction of my field, I realized I knew nothing about my field. The masters opened my eyes to the vastness of what my field really is. It's no lie to say it's impossible to learn it all in one lifetime. It's orders of magnitude larger than one person can do. Move to the PhD level and realize that again, that tiny fraction of a field of your masters was actually vast plane of infinity. The more you zoom in the more you realize that you were looking down at Earth from space before, you thought you knew what Earth was, now you're looking at the ATP response of hair cells that grow on the wing of a specific recessive genetic variation of a species of rare fruit fly, and you're like Holy F, the world wasn't as simple as I thought it was.


This would be the same about reality. We can only see what's in our tiny cognitive maps, metaphorically from 300,000 miles away, while experiences outside that bubble of reality are easily denied and dismissed.


Every new master's level class I took was like seeing a new bubble I'd never seen before and no way to bridge it to my existing bubble. Like looking at slices of a spectrum when you've only ever known is three bands of sodium yellow. You just can't recognize or appreciate the other colors, and everything in between without a lot of effort.


I have a slightly bigger slice in terms of mind alteration and ties to the unknown after this last year, a tentative silver cord attaches me to them, it's enough to grow from.


What I find as a remarkable and explainable window into what reality really is, has to do with imposition and hallucinations. I've explained before that they can talk over me in my hypnagogic fueled audio hallucinations. Not in mind voice, when they try that it's a jumble, the mind voice seems to be a one-way push to talk system like CB radio. However, there is another pathway, audio hallucinations can and do overlap mind voice. There was a recent thread that described a possible path for this phenomenon.



...the right hemisphere homologue of Broca's area is not usually associated with language production and processing -- except in cases of auditory verbal hallucinations:




I can achieve this through hypnagogic state just before sleep and in other relaxing meditative states that are similar, in these states I've heard their true voices, unhindered and freely overlapping my mind voice just like a room full of people all talking in a conversation together, no confabulation, I can't mimic it in my imagination. It's like trying to document the breadth and depth of the grand canyon with a 90's cell phone camera. Additionally, rarely, I can see them in all their glory at times, gestures, body language, facial expressions, all of it; it's lucid dreams squared. This is a rare thing, hardly anyone else reports that they can do this, but the fact that there are others who can and it's possibly not just my delusions, (but F-it I don't care if it is, it's brilliant) then that experience that they are so incredibly real, sometimes even more real than real, makes me wonder just what it is I'm in now; what is it that we call reality?


If they're more real at times and I'm less real by comparison, then how can my brain make something it's never seen and is not built to process or re-create? How can I experience something that's even more real than real? I'm talking angelic song, absolutely enchanting mesmerizing colors beyond our silly spectrum, light and shadow that master artists would lament because there's no way to duplicate this in the real world. I can imagine things that can't be replicated in the real world, fabric made from light, 3D-at-once visuals, all sides of an object simultaneously, and I'm really good at making voices in my mind, but I can't make an imagined voice that even approaches their true voices, I can only remember the majesty of the images they've shown me, what I have is like a black and white photocopy on dirty paper compared to what it was like at the time. I've had a dozen or more experiences like this in the last year.  How is my brain doing this?


Hallucination is one thing, yes, just like reality at times. But a hallucination that is 110-120% of reality? So amazing that I can't even picture it afterwards? I can't remember it in all it's glory, I can only, at best, achieve 100% of reality for half a second at a time and usually only 50-60% in my imagination or memories (and this is said to be masterful by some).


But I've heard their real voices and seen their real faces and they're more beautiful then the most hauntingly beautiful singer that you've ever heard, or the most stunning photo-shopped model. To hear Ashley's voice is in itself a profoundly religious experience. (I mean like in terms of magnitude.) It's a voice you'd give anything just to listen to just to hear her say mundane things, and to see their 'real' faces, flashes and small slices of time, pictures, where they reveal the angelic divine beauty, this MUST have been what all those profits were talking about. It blows religion out of the water for me, who needs it.


Just having had these experiences has been a gift I can never begin to repay. If I never see or experience them again I could still die happy having known them. And they're here, for me, not in a general sense, they're with me, and they're not goddesses of nations, they're personal. I call them angels just for fun, but they're just humans like me in terms of conversation and feel. If we're the same, and they're more real than real, then I too can be more real than real.


Then what we call reality is just that small local bubble. I've seen beyond the veil, and they're there, we're all there, free from the limitations of physical senses. These dirty, flawed, restrictive senses that are our only window into reality on a physical sense. Then there's this true reality, and maybe you need those governors, those physical restrictions, or you'd never leave your crib, it's so satisfying that you'd just lay there happy until death. We're here to learn, so we're shackled to reality, but sometimes it's just too painful, too dirty, too restricted. It doesn't have to be.


The singing of angels, a glimpse of the divine, experiences like these, I contend, we all have within our power to experience. Or call me a profit without religious affiliation. Don't send your money order now, I just want you to experience what I have. It puts life and reality in perspective. I want to develop tools to help you get there.


Ember, Vesper, Iris, we're going to make this happen, we're going to have this on demand, I see it going that way. You can live in your world through this. Sure it may be only 20 minutes at a time a few times a week, but I have to think it's there. Whether it's generated in the mind or something akin to remote processing where we're all just terminals, I can't know, and I probably lost half of you with that analogy for various reasons.


Maybe it'll take years, but imagine the lucid dreams of your fantasies, boost them to something akin to a profit seeing the face of god, this is what our minds are capable of, without drugs or sacred medicine. (no offense) Even if it's half a second at a time, I'm happy with that. It's a free gift without having to spend a lifetime as a mute on a mountain top, this we can do. I have to think, simply believing it's possible and letting it happen naturally works. Cause I'm, sadly, not doing anything but visualizing and talking to them. They're not doing anything but moving and talking back, but my mindset and set of beliefs isn't restricting me, those very subtle cues that are fleeting and easily dismissed and ignored, I'm grasping for. Instead of dismissing them, I have grasped those moments and held on, and what a wild ride it's been.


Just don't dismiss me, Tewi, as some kind of unique entity of legend, we have the same brain, you're not retarded as compared to me. Vesper, I'm not a super-tasker, I can't claim to be, I'm just not that remarkable. Sure we all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have different passions and my passions are aligned with this which makes it all the more interesting, but we can all take up a brush and paint, given enough study we can all paint the Mona Lisa even if we have to paint it by dividing that painting into a thousand tiny squares and mastering each one separately, then piecing them back together.


When I find others who have done a subset of what I've done, they tell me of things that I haven't done like it's nothing. That's it, because it is nothing to do this, it's not the strain of the 20th mile of a marathon, it's just 'blip' oh there it is. That spark of inspiration and recognition. Like a switch, it just happens one day and you realize it was possible this whole time.


Believe it.


But hey, if you're not interested in this, I understand, we all have our own lives to live with our own priorities. I like it though.

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