Oops, All Jamie | Exploring the Workings of a Fragmented Host

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warnings: (

suicide, sexual abuse & harmful sexual behavior, zoophilia & beastality, pedophilia & dead children

I've been rattling around for a while, finally coming down, thank god. It all started when Justice popped up and I

tried to hang myself.

Afterward Gavin was laying in bed, VERY not-okay with me, and I was sorta pleading... let's forget this. Let's go right back into the swing of things. I've learned my lesson, it's over now.  He told yes, we go back into the swing of things (I/he went to school the next day) but no, we don't forget this. I didn't want to tell anyone but Gavin told a few people. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I didn't want to feel any more shame. I feel bad for when I've heard the right advice from people and not responded to it. I don't want to fail anyone and I don't want anyone to feel like they've failed me when it's really my own hang-ups. I dunno.


Justice came from Gavin. Sorta his skeleton in the closet. His last few days Justice was calling Gavin "daddy." (In a NON-SEXUAL way: that's what I called my dad) In retrospect that's probably a good part of why I had so many problems understanding his behaviors. I know my littles... but a Gavin-little? If you think I have a terrifyingly reactive moral sensor you should see what's inside of Gavin. He's built up to be zen about it and does well for himself, but his little didn't have any of that coping ability. 


This is... stupid oversimplified, but Justice converted to Christianity, lots of tears involved, new alter popped up, Theta converted to Christianity, Justice integrated with Cassidy. Didn't come out of the blue, and I've actually been telling everyone that Justice is going to get sorted out quick, but I guess I didn't believe the words coming out of my mouth, I was still surprised.


This new alter is torturing me. We haven't reached an agreement yet. It's not going as fast. He doesn't have a name yet and he hasn't latched on to anyone, although Honeybee has latched onto him- but we don't allow the two together without supervision, because neither has even minimal skill at preventing and dismissing intrusives! Gavin tells me it's gonna be so worth it when this alter becomes an ally, and that that'll happen. But I've just been

suicidal. Having an alter like this makes the horrible temptation of a word "mercy-kill" come into my head.



Angsty af, I know... I don't know what to do with neuroticism. 


When I was 9 to 11, and some blips in the years following, I got addicted to porn-viewing as self-harm. Woo boy does that give you a lotta weird repressed beliefs and triggers and shit. It's so Freudian, crank-y feeling how much of my issues are tied to sexuality or have sexualized origins. But it's true, both in theory and in practice. I mean... no shit, it was sexual abuse, but... dunno. It makes it so hard to get a person who doesn't know about the cocsa to be able to see me clearly. Or when my new social worker asked how a 'bad friendship' could possibly result in a writing phobia. I wish I could just tell them sometimes, if only for clarity and sympathy, but I can't start a legal process or risk CPS. 


The dog alter, who doesn't have a name, looks like a dog that stayed at my house for a few days when I was about 8ish. She was my mom's friend's dog named Ember, but this dog alter is male and hasn't accepted the name Ember. 


Ugh... I'll cut to the chase. I've been reeling since the dog alter binged

beastality porn and watched a video of a pedophile with a dead child's body.

I've cried 4 times over it lmao. Long, fetal-position "why god" cries. But really. I guess it makes me understand on a deeper level why I formed alters because it keeps hitting me over and over. You'd think I'd get angry but instead I just want to die. I'm stuck on those images and those sounds. I've really stopped eating, going to the bathroom, cleaning myself/changing my clothes, and sleeping. I wouldn't do any of them without Gavin. I don't want to get out of bed ever. I'm drowning in shame and dissociation and disgust and suicidality.


But, here's the volta: I'm coming out of it. I had a big long cry today and Gavin, kinda out-of-character, told me that that boy is in heaven and I stopped crying and felt better. I don't believe in heaven. I don't think Cassidy even believes in heaven. But I don't know. It was exactly what I needed to hear and then I could stop crying. 



"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

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