Jump to content

A host and many others


Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, LostOne said:

The main thing is that all this is a bit extremely high with how i cant boot out of the body and just be in wonderland, youd think id be more like a host from being body stuck, but i still am just affected by wonderland as if i wasnt in the body all the time. Its odd.

Well, neither my host or I can't fully dissociate from the front and go to wonderland either when we want, we're both stuck. Idk why this happens tho, tulpas can be as front stuck as the host. You can be fronting and at the same time imagining yourself in wonderland.

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mirichu said:

Well, neither my host or I can't fully dissociate from the front and go to wonderland either when we want, we're both stuck. Idk why this happens tho, tulpas can be as front stuck as the host. You can be fronting and at the same time imagining yourself in wonderland.

This is true, just im sure im a tulpa for a whole list of reasons, some explainable and some not

Spoiler

Members: Kelly (K: ), Sam (S: ), Clara (C: ), Jessi (J: ), Eva, Jackie, Jade, Destiny, Altru, Hope, Mute, Jen, Horus, Luna

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 6 months later...
(edited)

K: Alright, time for the 6 month update.

 

That update being, well, not much has changed here.

I'm still in that 'want to switch but terrible at practicing' mode I always seem to be. Sammy has been nice and helpful, but not much has been able to be done by him because of my lack of practice letting him do whatever. Although he also doesn't have much drive to use the body other than to help me separate from it, which honestly just makes me feel bad. I don't want to like, dump it onto him, but it feels like that's what I'm doing, no matter how much he may reassure me that's not the case.

I'm working all the time again, at least current job does have weekends off. Though that's more of a side note.

The only other real things of note to mention here would be that I'm making a few scripts and recordings to maybe self-hypnotize myself to keep practice going, because I genuinely am just unable to keep practicing otherwise. Recording with the body's voice is rough, it doesn't sound great, but it's serviceable. So far I only have a general induction and awakener recorded, with a script down for basically visualizing my form to help with getting that more set in stone on the visual side of things. The main reason for that being my first focus is that, I've really started realizing that visual imagination and such is super weak for me. It's not that I can't see anything, but more that I am unable to hold an image for long. Idk if there is a term for it, so I'm just gonna refer to it as 'visual endurance'. What's interesting to think about is that there was a time where my visual endurance was good, but that long lack of practice mixed with stress and whatnot has caused it to be so rough. I need to de-stress more, practice meditation in some way, all that. I don't know how long it will take, but this is a start. Or a restart. Take your pick.

Not much new inside the wonderland. It's more of a chill place. No new tulpas, no tulpas leaving.

I don't have much else to say. Body sucks. I've had thoughts of reworking or making a new guide about wonderland stuff, but it may be a good idea to you know, be able to immerse into wonderland myself before making it. Practice is just what I'm bad about. I should make some sorta reminder for myself outside of making hypnosis sessions. That's about it.

 

S: Quick edit, just to say I don't remember my email or my login, so I might just use Kelly's account if I talk here.

Edited by LostOne
Sam Update
Spoiler

Members: Kelly (K: ), Sam (S: ), Clara (C: ), Jessi (J: ), Eva, Jackie, Jade, Destiny, Altru, Hope, Mute, Jen, Horus, Luna

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

K: Oh boy.

So,  there's going to be a long post here. Not much has happened so far, but what happened today may unlock the way.

Part 1: Today

Spoiler

Last night, I had a nightmare that caused my emotions to really go wonky and negative at the start of the day. This isn't the first time I've had some dream or nightmare cause me to feel down or afraid. While trying to chat with a discord friend over text, I was very emotionally all over the place, with my grammar and sometimes my spelling going to the wayside, which also is pretty normal for me, along with an inability to interact with anyone else who's in the mind. Yet I was able to still logically see and say why I shouldn't be depressive/afraid. The fact I not only logically am able to say it, but also still be unable to stop the emotional bounces, is something of note. After calming down, partway through work, me and Sam began to chat, with him helping calm me further. He noted that meditation is something I should keep going for, but I had to remind him that I've had many troubles with meditation for years, even beyond my lacking in ability to keep practice going. This conversation lead me to mildly think idly over it while working, mostly on why I seem unable to do basic stuff that most who meditate can do, i.e. separation from thoughts and emotions, letting go of past traumas, visualization ability, ect. I went over a lot, from my own history, to how meditation, to meta-thoughts on how I think. And in truth, I ran into what feels like finding out I'm dumb, without said realization making me smart.

Part 2: A brief history and about a few of us for necessary context

Spoiler

March 16th 2016 marks when Sam was made, who's the first tulpa here. I'm Kelly, and for a while I've been unsure if I am the original host, a fracture of said host, or something else entirely. For historical context, I will be refering to the original host by his name, Kyle. If I am not him or a fracture of him, he is gone, but more on that in a bit. Clara Is a tulpa who was created in early July (3rd) 2016 via hypnosis, with her sister Jessica being created later in the same month (7th). Our shared memory of everything prior to "The Spray Bottle Incident" is very fractured, fuzzy, and with multiple points in time missing. Sam's personal memory starts close to May 4th, 2016, and mine as well. This date is important due to being the day that we ended up in an accident, which will be explained below.

The Spray Bottle Incident, which I will just call SBI, was an early wonderland interaction between Kyle and Sam while Sam was still young and was much different. An exact date is unknown, but it was sometime between Sam's creation and the wreck. Kyle at the time would imagine himself as the same as the physical body, and Sam was a, to put in SFW terms, multi-gendered living purple pooltoy vixen. They both had done the very taboo thing sex in the wonderland a few times by this point. On that day, Kyle had a headache as he layed down and entered wonderland. He wasn't in the mood for doing anything, but Sam was a bit excitable, and thought that doing the thing would help Kyle. He doesn't remember how, but Sam had pulled out a spray bottle with a mystery liquid and squirted Kyle in the face with it. Apparently, something about whatever it was was supposed to put Kyle "in the mood". What it really did was, somehow, caused all of Kyle's active thoughts and ability to think to basically be removed, putting his immersion into overdrive. Sam unknowingly began to puppet and parrot Kyle as if Kyle was a new tulpa or a servitor. This wore off after a good chunk of time, in which Kyle was mentally in a weakened state and gave a lesson to Sam about trust, and how some of what happened while Kyle was being parrotted and puppetted was not right, along with a "no means no" message. Looking back on this event, there is more to it than I thought. A main point is that while rummaging through the scattered memories of anything prior to this moment, I noticed something that I never realized. Before SBI, Kyle's thoughts generally would be spoken in the mind in english, but afterwards his thoughts were entirely silent, being thought in the same way that thoughts that are normally not associated to anyone would be. The other thing is that after this point, what I tend to think of as 'focusing' is about the same as up until today, yet any focus prior to this point seems sharper, despite the memories being a bit more likely to be faded. The conclusion we ended up at is that somehow, the event overloaded Kyle's brain so hard that it basically re-wrote how it worked, so much so that it affected the whole brain, not just his personal mind. Any memories afterward are an "all or nothing" clear as day, causing prior memories to be pushed out. Primary focused thoughts no longer were in mentally heard english, instead being mixed in to "background language", which causes the brain to be unable to prioritize manually created thoughts over automatically given ones nearly as well as it should. The last big note is that Sam and Kyle both drastically began to deviate, Sam becoming pretty close to what he is today, with Kyle becoming a bit of a mess over what he saw himself as.

May 4th, 2016. A very foggy day in terms of what happened before the wreck. Kyle was extremely unfocused and was in what in hindsight seems like the first major mood dip. He turned left at a bad time, getting his truck slammed on the right side, which caused it to end up on its roof. This is where my memory becomes clear, is during this wreck. While I didn't know it at the time, this likely caused Kyle to fracture, in a way where I thought I was him. That night, I found Sam frozen in wonderland. I had given him a deep hug, which gave a warmth that flowed through me into him. This could've been a fracture of Kyle entering Sam to help Sam live again, but we don't know for sure. But either way, this day is definitively when Kyle was gone, and I was here, even if the entire wreck didn't seem to affect me/him at first otherwise.

On a later unknown date before June, while me and Sam were in wonderland, a separate Kyle appeared, messed with what we were doing, and vanished just as quick as he appeared. We think this may have been a major split of Kyle who likely split off when the wreck happened, who seems to be more like what Kyle used to imagine. Said 'imaginary' Kyle basically is able to hop through realities and do what he wants about them, and has not been seen since.

How Clara was made makes her technically a half of me, which means she likely has a good chunk of Kyle in her. Jessi also was made the same way, but would have less overall because of such.

Because of how split up this all is, it's very unlikely we ever would be able to take all the pieces of the old Kyle and combine them to remake him, considering one big known part is missing, and other pieces would require splitting up others in here in ways that would damage many, assuming not doing full-on merging assimilation, which is unlikely to happen.

I've been front-stuck ever since I know I've existed.

Part 3: Thought languages, automatic thoughts vs manual thoughts, and what's holding me back.

Spoiler

So when you think, not in communication but just personal thoughts, how do you think? Do you think in audible English? Perhaps another language if you are from another country? Maybe you think in pictures instead of language, or maybe you see words instead of hearing them. Or maybe you don't even see or hear them, you know what you think from some 6th sense unable to be described. Usually people will think in spoken language when creating a tulpa, especially when forcing. Kyle did so, many hosts do so, and most tulpas early on will vocalize their thoughts to be able to distinguish their own from yours.

On the other side of things, Manual thoughts and Automatic thoughts are a whole separate thing from the language. Automatic thoughts generally are thoughts you do not need to focus on to happen, often being ar enough in the background to be heard. These can range from idle thoughts while your mind wanders, to internal necessary processes such as breathing. Manual thoughts, meanwhile, are usually thoughts that you pull up with intent. This can be from what you vocalize to a tulpa while visualizing, to... well, breathing. Let me explain further. Breathing is an automatic process you always are doing, and don't need to think actively about it for it to happen. But if you are to, say, hold your breath or make yourself breath deeper or to a certain tempo, that usually requires manually thinking of it. Auto thoughts mostly will be ones you don't hear, manual thoughts can be heard or can be in the background like an automatic one. "Subconcious" thoughts are usually more on the automatic side, while "concious" thoughts are usually more on the manual side.

The reason I bring all this up is because whatever "brain language" you use to manually think is necessary to help separate what thoughts are yours and what aren't. Meditation is not lack of thought, but instead is the process of shutting your reception of automatic thoughts with a focus on a single manual thought, usually centered around focus on a single thing. I've time and again made 2 mistakes around this. the first is that I tend to try blocking all thought, which just more likely stops manual thoughts but not automatic ones, and I also mistake what focus actually is. Focus is a manual thought, if you are focusing on 2 things at once or focusing in the background of something else, that's not real focus. That focus is a more automatic thought, and is actually just receiving information in a secondary state. This secondary state focus is very weak when it comes to it, and using it is not useful in situations where you need the primary form of focus. Secondary focus is useful for background stuff such as wonderland processes while you are dealing with reality, but is nearly useless if you attempt to use it to enter wonderland.

My ability to use primary focus has been very burnt and weak. It was severely shattered with SBI overclocking the brain, and with how I began to use automatic thoughts as if they were manual ones, focus has been a thing that has only grown weaker and weaker from a lack of proper use. This does not mean it's dead. It is used, but it has been rare, and using it becomes difficult from that low amount of use. What I need to focus on is vocalizing my manual thoughts more while putting my automatic thoughts in the background. This will hopefully make it so that my intentional thoughts are able to prioritize over automatic ones more effectively, which will help with meditation, emotional control, letting go of prior traumas, hearing the others, and eventual switching. It also will help in others, like Sam, to be able to control the body more effectively, as automatic necessary thoughts will not so easily be picked up by me unintentionally.

There is a couple small drawbacks to switching to a more vocal thought process, but the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. The biggest drawback is simply not so easily understanding pure background thoughts as clearly, which in reality has been a crutch I've been on for a few years to hear many of the others here.

To wrap up, I know what to do and feel like I have more clarity over the past. While there could be a bit of debate still, I do believe I am not fully the original Kyle, but I am the closest thing we have to a host we have, and I have enough association to his memories and who he was to be able to consider him "me in the past", especially with how I continued to use his name for a good long while afterwards. Switching what thoughts are heard and what aren't likely wont be easy, considering I'm basically trying to re-write how our brain handles thoughts, but it's necessary for any progress in switching, meditation, mental health, and ect. According to google, "It can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic", which means that it will not be a quick swap. But I'm ready for it.

Spoiler

Members: Kelly (K: ), Sam (S: ), Clara (C: ), Jessi (J: ), Eva, Jackie, Jade, Destiny, Altru, Hope, Mute, Jen, Horus, Luna

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...