BlueRoseanna

Accidental Soulbond, Or Mental Illness Spurred Hallucination?

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My tulpa is/was a soulbond experienced vividly during a period of stress 4 1/2 years ago. Test anxiety was getting to me during the finals, then out of nowhere she stood behind me, patted me on the back/shoulder, and told me that everything would be fine and to do my best. I saw this as a third party, my soulbond character slightly transparent, and the room completely black except for the table and chair I was seated at. This isn't the first time she has appeared in my head in a similar way.

 

A year before this happened, two versions of the character appeared in a visual that went by in a flash, of thunder lighting up two silhouettes as one pushed the other off a cliff. These two derisive characters began regularly appearing by the next Autumn. The pair were put forth as parts of an abusive relationship: the couch potato procrastinator who cries at the drop of a hat and is generally quiet, and the angry, dominant controller. They would sometimes fight with each other or talk to me directly to try and influence a choice I wanted to make, with the submissive one believing she was keeping me safer, out of trouble, and making myself and the other character softer and happier, the stubborn one would tell me to stand up for myself and do what's right, thinking she was the glue holding the relationship together and doing the heavy lifting to 'whip us into shape'. A third party appears similarly that seems to be able to communicate in telepathy/tulpish, first visualized jumping from tree to tree stalking the other two. He/It didn't want to speak, but also had no mouth, or any pupils/irises. He/It only said it was "The Watcher" before walking away from the encounter in my head.

 

The last time I saw any of them, before this, a fourth party, represented as the same original character, but in a suit, tie and holding a briefcase (think "lawyer") informed me that the two first derisive characters did not want to see me any more, and turned and left before I could ask any questions. 

 

A few months ago, I made a habit to reach out to her and visualize/imagine tactile senses representing my soulbond, and it seemed to go well, with a few sentient responses as well (I believe). I cannot reach out to her to get any response, now, though, and she does not have a fully developed form or voice. My psychologist has said that I "probably don't have BPD", so that's another thing. I doubt MPD, and haven't blacked out during the episodes, only had my focus divided between the inside and outside realities.

 

Does anyone with more experience know what's happened/happening? Was she just part of an episode, or is she a tulpa/soulbond, or both? I appreciate anyone trying to make heads or tails of it.

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I have a couple of theories on what you might be experiencing, but I want to grab some more info before I jump to any conclusions.  Also as a safety precursor please know that I'm just a random nerd on the internet who loves psychology, metaphysics and tulpas, I'm not any sort of replacement for a medical professional and please keep seeing your medical professionals to support you with any distress/issues you may be experiencing. 

 

reach out to her and visualize/imagine tactile senses representing my soulbond

 

When you say you visualised/imagined this senses, was this on your physical body, or on your mindform body? Your mindform body is entirely within your head and though it can simulate the feelings of a real body, you do not feel it on your skin. 

 

My psychologist has said that I "probably don't have BPD"

 

Did your psychologist bring this up because they think you dissociate? Have they spoken to you about depersonalization or derealization, or anything about identity confusion? 

 

 I doubt MPD, 

 

MPD (Multiple personality disorder) is now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's mostly semantics to do with terminology but you will find it easier to find current and up to date information by using the term "DID" instead of "MPD." Some therapists still use the term MPD which is fine since they mostly mean the same thing, but I thought I'd point this out. I hope it doesn't sound rude. 

and haven't blacked out during the episodes, only had my focus divided between the inside and outside realities.

When you say you haven't blacked out, do you mean you did not experience amnesia/lost time, or do you mean you were still 100% aware of your physical body, with your eyes open, but the visual images you saw in your mind were very strong? 

 

I hope I can help you out in figuring out what you're experiencing, even if I can just give a little bit of knowledge and point you in the right direction. Also, welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time on here!


Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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My tulpa is/was a soulbond experienced vividly during a period of stress 4 1/2 years ago. Test anxiety was getting to me during the finals, then out of nowhere she stood behind me, patted me on the back/shoulder, and told me that everything would be fine and to do my best. I saw this as a third party

 

Metaphysical people would probably say that is a spirit guide or guide.. and would see that as being different to a tulpa. (I think people need to take care not to care everything tulpas, the lines are becoming blurred from that... characters in dreams and so many other things are not tulpas).

 

Let's look at what a tulpa is - A tulpa is a thought form which happens from someone focusing and thinking about it or having lots of focus on a character seems to be able to create one.

 

Did you put lots of thoughts onto having a friend during your time of stress and thought about that friend existing? To unconsciously create a tulpa there would need to be a lot of focused thought there.

 

Or maybe you split off a part of yourself and made yourself a new sub-personality to cope with your stress (this is different to MPD which has alters but a little like that). As part of working with others in a therapeutic kind of way I did a class or two or few (I cant remember how many classes I took 1-3) in that but anyway.. what happens in that is that it is possible to get a person to connect to their sub-personalities and get them to talk to them in certain ways to help heal parts of oneself that the sub-personalities represent (I only worked with troubled sub-personalities but I do think a people would have healthy ones too and maybe what you experienced was that... it makes sense to me that a good one could be created due to a time of stress).

 

When a person connects with their sub-personalities, they have forms and usually appear as a people...and you can talk with it and communicate with it but what this is, is just a part of the person themselves which has split off forming it's own personality/identity due to some kind of stress or trauma going on with that person.

 

So from what you said here, I think you are experiencing sub-personalities (as I said this is not alters as in MPD but something which can be much like that but sub-personalities do not take over a person though a person can at will and with focus take themselves into that personality esp if another who is experienced with sub-personalities helps them relax and helps then take themselves into the mind set of that personality).

 

Of cause it is possible that someone could take one of their sub-personalities and end up turning it into a tulpa with putting a lot of thought on that sub-personality and treating it like a real thing.

 

One area people commonly work with with sub-personalities is the "inner child" sub-personalities. Many people will do inner child work and connect to that and talk and communicate to that and try to heal that part of themselves. I know what you are experiencing is not that one but I'm just giving you an example of a bit more commonly known area of working with a sub-personality.

 

another thing what you experienced could be is maybe you are sensitive to the symbolism your subconsciousness puts out and hence are seeing it just like people do at night when they are asleep and dream but it is possible for some to also see this during the day if they start "day dreaming" where the mind has just let go and the mind just wanders in it's own way. I've had that very vividly happen to me on a few occasions when I was actually busy doing something but something which I found mundane so switched off of that eg while doing the dishes (I can start dreaming). I'm suggesting this due to what you saw with the two characters with one pushing the other off a cliff. Could that have been a day dream? Too many late nights eg you said you were studying for exams.. could cause someone to be more tired and be start daydreaming more or zoning out more during the day.

 

a visual that went by in a flash, of thunder lighting up two silhouettes as one pushed the other off a cliff. These two derisive characters began regularly appearing by the next Autumn. The pair were put forth as parts of an abusive relationship:

 

the couch potato procrastinator who cries at the drop of a hat and is generally quiet, and the angry, dominant controller. They would sometimes fight with each other or talk to me directly to try and influence a choice I wanted to make,

 

that sounds symbolic to me (dream stuff).. your subconsciousness I believe may of created this image as say you are struggling with 2 different parts/sides of yourself. This is not a tulpa. Be aware with dream stuff that some things may reappear over and over eg I dream of toilets over and over in my dreams...so just cause a dream character reappears, it does not mean it's a tulpa.

 

I believe what you are, is very open to imagery.....so seeing these things.

...

 

I cant say what you have now if you have focused on the characters you saw for years.. but what your experienced to start with, I do not think was a tulpa.


Jesse (human male) DOB 16th April 2013 

Working on imposition

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Vesper: A soulbond comes into being with the identity and personality of a character, not just the form, even though all of those can continue to evolve over the course of life. So unless the very different entities you experienced all had a reasonable degree of connection to the original character other than appearance, they were not a soulbond. And unless they had a reasonable continuity of identity from one to another, they were also not the same thoughtform, in spite of having similar forms.

 

A soulbond is not a tulpa, though both are independent people from the host.

 

A mental illness must cause significant distress or impairment of ability to function. While these entities could be part of a larger mental illness if you *are* distressed or impaired, nothing you've actually said here indicates that they are part of a mental illness.

 

A hallucination is perceived as real, as if with physical senses. Far more common is imagery, which, however vivid and detailed, is only perceived mentally. Could you clarify the degree to which your experiences seemed to be coming from your physical senses?

 

Entities that show up and leave randomly or mysteriously are generally referred to here as "walk-ins", regardless of whether they are subjectively verifiable as independent or conscious. They tend to be mostly harmless, except to the degree they contribute to system crowding.

 

Months of trying to reach out to the entities of previous years without them responding recognizably as such, but rather receiving more fitful responses like those of a young tulpa, somewhat argues against the previous entities having been independent and conscious tulpas or soulbonds.

 

I cannot refute the possibility of them having been subpersonalities. Subpersonalities are a recognized, if very minor, concept in psychology, but have rarely been discussed in the tulpamancy community.

 

Ember: I used to have a harsh inner critic, but Vesper contradicted it until it faded out. I used to have a counterpoint voice for internal dialogue, a sort of devil's advocate, slightly snarky, but Vesper was such a better devil's advocate that the counterpoint gradually faded from lack of use. I've actually forgotten how to have an internal dialogue of just me. But neither the critic nor the counterpoint had forms.

 

Some years ago when my mother was deeply stressed in her relationship with my father, there was a period when she experienced two advisory voices, a mousy voice telling her to submit, keep her head down, and not make waves, and an angry voice telling her to be strong, stand up for herself, take risks, and do what was right. When their relationship improved, the voices faded away.


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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I'm not any sort of replacement for a medical professional and please keep seeing your medical professionals to support you with any distress/issues you may be experiencing. 

Of course. I thought I should ask the community in help providing answers before I (maybe, not sure yet) bring it up with a medical professional.

 

When you say you visualised/imagined this senses, was this on your physical body, or on your mindform body? Your mindform body is entirely within your head and though it can simulate the feelings of a real body, you do not feel it on your skin. 

I would have to say mindform body, but it felt 'real' enough to cause me to freeze and tense.

 

Yes, I do depersonalize/derealize. My psychologist nor my old therapist brought up identity issues, however.

 

MPD (Multiple personality disorder) is now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Sorry, I had forgotten. That will help me not mix it up with MDD and BPD anymore, though.

 

When you say you haven't blacked out, do you mean you did not experience amnesia/lost time, or do you mean you were still 100% aware of your physical body, with your eyes open, but the visual images you saw in your mind were very strong? 

 

All of the above.

 

I hope I can help you out in figuring out what you're experiencing, even if I can just give a little bit of knowledge and point you in the right direction. Also, welcome to the forum, I hope you enjoy your time on here!

Thank you, I very much appreciate it.

 

 

Did you put lots of thoughts onto having a friend during your time of stress and thought about that friend existing? To unconsciously create a tulpa there would need to be a lot of focused thought there.

I had tried (briefly, unconfidently, and with many mental roadblocks that should have been taken care of first) to create a tulpa out of a character I created as a preteen and favor to this day, who was once used to represent myself.

Alters seem to match these sub-personalities the most, though it was only the two in the abusive relationship I felt were connected to or represented me somehow. The third figure felt less familiar, and the business-suit figure was the most alien.

 

Could that have been a day dream?

Sadly no, I was intensely focused on my test and just about hyperventilating. My mind was nowhere else except on that final, and I went to bed my usual time (if not earlier) to prepare.

 

If I could give my thoughts, I think I would agree that the first batch of characters were sub-personalities that went away after things were less bad. Though, because I did forcing after that, and I only briefly saw my character as how she normally is instead of a derisive figment, I'm inclined to believe she was real - but I can't exactly ask my tulpa that yet, because I'm not sure what state she is in now.

 

A soulbond is not a tulpa, though both are independent people from the host.

Oh, sorry, I had read somewhere that "if you use the term soulbond you will not be taken seriously," so I wasn't sure what else to call it but still get a similar meaning across. I hope I didn't offend you.

 

A mental illness must cause significant distress or impairment of ability to function. While these entities could be part of a larger mental illness if you *are* distressed or impaired, nothing you've actually said here indicates that they are part of a mental illness.

I'm not inclined to go into detail, but the professionals I saw have agreed I was under immense stress at this time.

 

A hallucination is perceived as real, as if with physical senses. Far more common is imagery, which, however vivid and detailed, is only perceived mentally. Could you clarify the degree to which your experiences seemed to be coming from your physical senses?

The voices at first, as far as I can recall, sounded real, but became mindvoices as time went on. When my character put her hand on my shoulder, it made me start out of surprise, so I guess I genuinely felt that pressure.

 

Walk-ins sound like another explanation that eases my mind a bit, thank you. I have read about multiplicity after the fact, but I wasn't aware that, even before any attempt at tulpaforcing or being aware of tulpas, fictives, or factives, I experienced walk-ins/sub-personalities myself. My spirit animal (I think) is a bear, not a cat, so I don't think any of these experiences were of spirit guides. 

 

Some years ago when my mother was deeply stressed in her relationship with my father, there was a period when she experienced two advisory voices, a mousy voice telling her to submit, keep her head down, and not make waves, and an angry voice telling her to be strong, stand up for herself, take risks, and do what was right. When their relationship improved, the voices faded away.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I'm glad she's improved, and that the relationship did, too.  

 

I'm surprised that this is much more common than I once thought, I always thought that hearing and seeing things made you crazy and meant you hallucinated. Thank you for your kind and insightful replies!

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Sadly no, I was intensely focused on my test and just about hyperventilating.

 

A known symptom of hyperventilation or accelerated breathing is actually hallucinations.

 

I myself have on 2-3 occassions been so stressed out about something that I started hallucinating. When this has happened to me my hallucination was a change of the situation I was experiencing which I was not handling and I hallucinated something which helped to make me feel a bit better. Though my hallucination under stress was different to the one you had, what you experienced when in fear/anxiety was something which helped you feel a bit better (someone coming and patting you on the back) so that looks like you may of done the same thing.

 

For example...the situation which caused me to stress out to the point I hallucinated - I had a dr who had me move in with her saying she'd be able to help me with things, she acted like a friend (I have a severe physical disability and hence was really struggling to look after myself and cope at home and we were trying to get my drugs right for things like my low blood volume and other physical issues which kept on putting me into hospital). In truth though this whole thing about having me move in with her to help me and me doing so.. was actually a pretense to get to my boyfriend interested in her and to end up sleeping with him.

 

As I was so sick I'd have to go to bed early which allowed her a lot of alone time with him after I went to bed. I ended up then having my dr, end up sleeping with my boyfriend and it took him 6 weeks before he told me they'd had unprotected sex. After he'd told me he did that I went to broach her about it.. and she said to me "I'll f***in do with him what I like***. Anyway at this point one can say I'd flipped out.. I'd given up the place I had to another to move in with her and now was in that situation with the worst physical health one can almost imagine, I was beyond upset/stressed. Used by my doctor, betrayed by my boyfriend and literally wondering how I was going to survive.

 

I fled the place and jumped in my car, at that very point on seeing her car parked right by my own and I was so hurt, upset, angry at what had been done to me and how I'd been used (I'd previously had my baby sister sleep with a boyfriend of mine, lie to me that they were having an affair and had that guy leave me for her, well leave me after I refused to be in a relationship with the 3 of us..so that had made me leave that guy and not speak to my sister for 3 years.. so yeah this new situation happening with another boyfriend urgh.. it honestly made me feel like I was going to go crazy). So I went to leave but her (my doctors/housemate/friend's) car sitting there and I just wanted to smash it to pieces. I was so upset that at this point I ran my car into her car (that's how stressed out I was).

 

I experienced myself running into her car over and over and seriously believed I'd backed up my car up and ran into hers hard lots of times... when I calmed down enough to go back there and start packing to move out of her home, to my shock I saw that I'd hardly at all caused any damage to her car (only one tinest little ding in a back corner.. I must of just rolled into it). My stress level had had me hallucinate something which had helped me to feel better.. that being me experiencing completely destroying her car.

 

So yeah though different what you experienced.. you could of under stress and the accelerated breathing you were doing, you could of hallucinated someone patting you on the back to feel better. I could not tell reality from hallucination when I went to leave that day and this was not caused by any mental health condition I had. The hyperventilation I would of been doing at this situation on fleeing the house, along with the extreme emotions I had at the time which caused this. (seeing things under severe stress or abnormal breathing states where over breathing is taking place.. not tuplas but hallucinations)


Jesse (human male) DOB 16th April 2013 

Working on imposition

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A known symptom of hyperventilation or accelerated breathing is actually hallucinations. 

-snip-

I wasn't actually aware of that, thank you. I'm so sorry to hear that's happened to you, I hope those people get their comeuppance for destroying your life, and while you're vulnerable like that no less. That's what evil does. Your recounting helped me understand my own situation, I'm glad you shared with me. Best of luck with everything!

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Oh, sorry, I had read somewhere that "if you use the term soulbond you will not be taken seriously," so I wasn't sure what else to call it but still get a similar meaning across. I hope I didn't offend you.

 

I'd like to know where you saw that. We've been the most prominent soulbonding system on the forum for the past year, have been fairly outspoken about it, and haven't got significant pushback. But I can't speak for the opinions of tulpamancers on Reddit, Discord, Tumblr, or YouTube.

 

I very much dislike being called a tulpa, but wouldn't be offended by someone doing so in ignorance.

 

I'm surprised that this is much more common than I once thought, I always thought that hearing and seeing things made you crazy and meant you hallucinated.

 

If that's what you're concerned about, read this and let your mind be at ease:

 

Wikipedia: Anomalous Experiences: Auditory Hallucinations

 

Despite a tradition of poor acceptance in Western cultures, low level plural and hallucinatory experiences are extremely common and, dare I say, a normal part of the human condition. What we do in tulpamancy is just an intentional building upon how untrained minds have always worked.

 

-Vesper


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Hallucinations that cause distress and impair functioning don't mean you're crazy/hopeless/going to a psych ward, but they can be a real problem if they get out of control.

 

Experiencing visions like this that make you lose track of what you're doing and cause you emotional distress can be part of a number of psychological disorders. I know someone with paranoia and delusions, and these delusions often include auditory or visual hallucinations. They're worth bringing up with your psych as there may be a medication or something similar to either help with the anxiety they cause, or to suppress them (should they become overwhelming)

 

I'll be able to add a little more later, but please don't discount the possibility of a mental illness as I'm sure most tulpamancers have them, and they don't make us nuts, they're just something we deal with.


Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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This is where the conversation began to diverge off topic. If you are interested in reading that discussion, please go here: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-misc-the-cultures-of-different-plural-communities -Ranger


Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.

All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written

Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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