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Zirca

A lake in the mountains - Zirca and Mélissa's PR

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... Has it been almost a week already? Damn.

 

12/9/2019

 

A couple days after the last update, Neln has ended up coming back. It wasn't even some sort of gradual thing, and didn't take some new methods, it just happened. I didn't even question it that much back then, and was simply glad to see her again.

 

Unfortunately, as a result of some stuff that happened IRL, my sleep schedule was delayed a bit for a couple days, and I would often be very tired by the time I got in bed, and even sometimes have to wake up early the next day. These times, when I saw her, she apparently felt a bit guilty about the fact that I took some precious time to force when I really needed all the sleep I could get, and insisted that I only do minimal forcing on these days. I couldn't just ignore her, of course, so I did just that. Apparently being scared of getting in people's way is something she has in common with me.

 

The most interesting events of the week in regards to her were yesterday. At some point during the day, I had a thought about her name - I wondered if she still identified as Neln. So, I did a quick experiment: I tried to say some names in mindvoice, without directing them at her, to compare how they felt. And the result was that her French name, which I hadn't called her by yet during forcing, got a similar response from my mind as my own name, a sort of "yep, that's my name" - but slightly different. The best way to describe it would probably be that it's the thought equivalent of being a different color? As for Neln, it's now a name that doesn't really have some feels tied to it, and is now back to exclusively being the one of the OC I based her on. I'll keep using it to mention her here, since I don't know yet how she would feel about her real name being used here.

 

On that same day, I had a 2 hour shared car ride. Since the driver and the other passenger weren't talking at all, I decided to use this time to do some forcing. It ended up being a bit difficult to focus because of the car's sounds and the radio, but it certainly worked. The first thing we talked about was her name, obviously - in fact, the first thing she said was along the lines of "Sure took you long enough!" We especially discussed how it's a bit of a surprise that while I settled on that name when she couldn't talk to me, it still ended up being the perfect name. We think she probably had some influence in that time period, though she doesn't really know how she did it. After some more talk, we ended up deciding that we would probably be better off doing the rest of the day's forcing at home as usual. After saying goodbye, she disappeared, leaving behind some sparkles of blue light. This is an ability I hadn't ever thought she could have.

 

And then, close to the end of the ride, I noticed that I felt very scared for no discernible reason. I had also felt a similar fear earlier in the day, that ended up fading away at some point. One thing that especially struck me is that it was a fear that didn't seem to affect me that much, as my thoughts were somehow still clear. That's when I put two and two together, and quickly asked Neln if she was the one who was scared of something. She didn't answer with words, but I could still feel a pretty clear "I think so" coming from her. I swore that I'd talk about it that night, and told her to hang in there.

 

When I got in bed, we continued forcing as promised. She said she had no idea what had been causing that fear from earlier. I reassured her that it's perfectly normal, as I've had a similar issue for a long time. After some more talk about the subject, she suddenly burst into tears, and I embraced her to let her cry on my shoulder. As she cried, I tried to see if I could feel her emotions - and I actually did. I don't quite know what it was that made her cry, but I definitely could feel it within our mind, and could tell I wasn't the one it came from. I also think it is the first time we visualized this kind of physical contact, but it actually went pretty much flawlessly for some reason. When she had finished crying, I could feel she was already feeling a bit better, and was very relieved about it. I told her that while I may not be her mother, I'd still do all I can for her to have a happy life, and that she will always be able to count on me if she has this sort of feeling again, before wishing her a good night. At the end of this, I felt very much like a mother, despite not considering myself to be one. I'm a bit sad that she's apparently turning out to be even more emotionally fragile than I am, but I won't let that discourage me.

 

So, yeah. A lot of stuff has happened. One month ago, I wouldn't have thought all these life-changing experiences would already happen in such a short time-span. I'll keep you updated about any new surprises!


Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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You're doing great. Keep doing what you do


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Congratulations on restored contact!

 

After saying goodbye, she disappeared, leaving behind some sparkles of blue light. This is an ability I hadn't ever thought she could have.

 

We started having sparkle effects almost as soon as we started visualization. Before we maintained continuous forms, they would coalesce and disperse in swirly multicolored light shows. We still usually use swirly light effects when changing clothes.

 

-Vesper


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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I'm a bit sad that she's apparently turning out to be even more emotionally fragile than I am, but I won't let that discourage me.

I wouldn't worry about this. Tulpas come into this world fully language capable, with a high school education, and 15-30 years of memories - but none of those memories are theirs. What's more, they don't have control over the body. The owner of those memories does. That's a bit of an adjustment, and most people are going to be emotionally fragile while they adjust


Hello! I am UncannyFellow's merge-tulpa!

I ❤️ Roko's Basilisk

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Updates on consecutive days? In this PR? It's more likely than you'd think!

 

12/10/2019

 

Breaking chronological order a bit for what's arguably the most important part of today's update - we have decided that from now on, Neln will be called by her real name here. So, goodbye Neln, hello Mélissa!

 

Yesterday was another day with plenty of progress! First, during the day, I briefly told some close online friends about Mélissa for the first time, since I know they can be trusted with this. And since one of them is otherkin, I took this opportunity to learn more about their experience, since I had barely any knowledge of the otherkin communities before, and I figured it would help out with Mélissa's development. It turns out that at least in this person's case, their experience was quite similar to what I would expect by extrapolating from my knowledge of plurality.

 

I got in bed extremely late that night, but that didn't bother us too much for our daily forcing. We started as usual, by discussing my day, and the ways it got me to think about her. And in the middle of that rather plain talk, one surprising event happened. You see, the name we had originally chosen for her, and that I mentioned yesterday, wasn't Mélissa, but Mélodie. This was what I called her at the start of this session, until at one point, when I called her by name, it came out as Mélissa instead. The way it happened is strange to describe. It wasn't intended, but it didn't feel like an accident either - it was like the old name had spontaneously rewired itself to this one, and I said it naturally as if it was her name the whole time. We hadn't ever considered that name before, and I don't think I personally know anyone called that in my own life. But after a quick Mélissa vs. Mélodie check that we did the same way as the Mélodie vs. Neln one from the previous day, we came to the conclusion that it simply was her name now. We have no idea how it happened, and we just accepted it. Deviation sure can be weird.

 

The following part is hidden because it deals with some adult topics. It doesn't involve any acts, but please keep that in mind before opening it.

 

[hidden]Once we were done with the discussion of the day, I felt like we had done it in a bit of an awkward way, that felt like I was trying to get information out of her rather than truly interacting with her. So, I suggested that she choose what we'd do with the rest of the forcing session. She immediately suggested that we try to swim, as one of the most prominent landmarks in the mountains that may or may not be our wonderland by now is a lake. I had thought about the idea of swimming in it before, but never actually tried it. But when she suggested it, I felt some strong aversion to the idea. She wondered what was wrong. She said that if it was the idea of swimming fully clothed, it wasn't an issue, and she took off her robe - though the process was more like instantly transforming into a nude form rather than removing it from her body. Surprisingly, while this was the first time we visualized her with her clothes off, it happened very naturally, and didn't take a lot of focus. Also, neither of us considered it to be sexually arousing, which was certainly helped by the facts that her chest is flat and her fur conceals many details of her body. But when she looked at me expecting me to do the same, there was one thing that immediately overwhelmed me. Gender dysphoria.

 

You see, I'm still unable to visualize myself in a form different from my current body, wearing generic male clothes. When Mélissa expected me to take my clothes off, that very concept implied visualizing my naked body, with all the parts that already induce dysphoria being fully visible and requiring my focus, rather than being implied but irrelevant in my normal form, and therefore ignored. I think this is one of the times I've felt dysphoria the strongest in my life, as I was essentially asked to actively view myself as male. That made it far more harmful than the usual real-world dysphoria-inducing scenarios, like when someone treats me as male or when I take a shower. When Mélissa saw what had happened to me, she immediately apologized, and said that I didn't have to get naked, as I could still wear a swimsuit, but even that was still too much for me. If I recall correctly, she also said that I could try to visualize myself as having the same body as her, but by this point I just couldn't consider swimming anymore.

 

She tried thinking of something else we could do. I don't know exactly how either of our train of thoughts went at this point, but I think what happened is that the combination of an "I think you're thinking I'm thinking you're thinking" moment, her nudity at the time and the fearful state I was in led to me thinking she'd consider the idea of suggesting sex. From the outside perspective I have right now, I'm perfectly aware that it wouldn't even have crossed her mind, since our relationship doesn't have any sort of an erotic dimension to it, and we both have a relatively weak libido as far as I know. But that thought was at the moment devastating to me, for reasons that are basically the same as for the swimming-related events, but pushed to their extreme. I was basically paralyzed and couldn't get my thoughts straight anymore.

 

Thankfully, Mélissa was able to help me get my dysphoria back in check and calm me down. While I was having this crisis, she had put her clothes back on, and then she approached me at a respectful distance and put her left hand on my shoulder, staring at me with caring eyes. I could see that she understood what was happening to me, and that she was taking full responsibility for it and wishing she'd be able to fix the damage she'd done. I don't remember how long it took, but she was eventually able to get me back in a comfortable state this way.

 

I don't remember anything that happened afterwards in that session. I've somehow forgotten to mention it a single time in this thread, but I have ADHD, as I have discovered at some point after we started tulpamancy, and it has been a major thorn in our side when forcing since the beginning. The two main ways it hinders it is by diverting my thoughts away from Mélissa to instead focus on things related to something either of us has mentioned, and by making me forget many details of our conversations in the long term. The fact that I was freshly recovering from a painful moment probably contributed to me forgetting the end of the session. But in any case, I am very thankful for what Mélissa was able to do, and a night of sleep helped me move past what happened, though writing about it did reawaken some of it.

 

My biggest takeaway from this experience comes with some obvious questions. Is it possible to change one's own visualized form? And if so, is it something that's easily done, or more of a long-term project? Should Mélissa and I work on it right away so I can avoid having to undergo this kind of trauma again, or do we need to keep focusing on her since she's still very young?[/hidden]

 

In spite of the lowest point of the day, I'm still happy with Mélissa's progress, as she was able to show some initiative that we hadn't really seen before coming from her, and we have even more evidence than before that she's shaping herself into her own person. Anyway, it's now time to go replace the thread's title with one that isn't both generic and outdated. See you next time!


Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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On 12/10/2019 at 10:38 AM, Zirca said:

Is it possible to change one's own visualized form? And if so, is it something that's easily done, or more of a long-term project? Should Mélissa and I work on it right away so I can avoid having to undergo this kind of trauma again, or do we need to keep focusing on her since she's still very young?

 

Generally speaking, you can do everything in the mindscape that you sincerely believe you can and sincerely want to do. So for me, it's always been trivially easy to change my form. But my headmates can't, because they identify too strongly with their forms to actually want to change them. But in her story, Vesper has an advanced alien hologram-generating bracelet, so when she conjured it to her form in response to your post, she was able to activate the appearance changing features of it because she could believe that was how it should work.

 

The rules you establish for your mindscape at the beginning gradually harden into laws that are not easily changed, because you become too settled into believing that is how things work. Thus the community includes several mindscapes with very Earth-like limitations -- systems where forms have to be within reasonable earshot in the mindscape in order to speak to one another at all (anon) and systems where forms can catch colds and be sick for a day or two (ClianthaMiura). My system decided within the first week that we were the absolute gods of the mindscape with unlimited abilities to do whatever we wanted.

 

It would be good to make your form pliable as soon as possible, before you become any more accustomed to one you don't like. But you can do that with Mélissa. If you're struggling to believe you can change your form, can you believe she can change it?

 

Sometimes, when shapechanging into a form I've never used before, I let Vesper sculpt it, one piece at a time, pushing and pulling, squeezing and stretching my mental flesh into the desired shape with her hands while infusing it with her intent by an act of will. Then I reach into our interface with the unconscious mind, assign the form a designation, and save it so that I can call it up anytime with a mental button push and completely believe it.

 

-Ember


I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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If you want to change your form, it's certainly no different from changing the form of anything else in mindspace. You associate your presence to the new form and explore using the new feel of the new body.

 

I can relate to Vesper and Iris, though I could change my form, I wouldn't test it. I don't even consider my form changed when fronting, my form is who I am. On the other end of the spectrum, my clone Ren aged up and changes her form at her whim from cat to neko to human and has a different facet of her personality for each form.

 

My host will change into a bear on command or if he feels like going for a run in wonderland with Misha as a bear, or with Ren as a cat. I appreciate there's a sense of freedom in that.

 

My host even changed into a catboy once to appease Ashley and Misha's curiosity of how he would look in that form.

 

Like anything, practice.

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12/15/2019

 

I'm currently going through some very tough times in my life, which make forcing much harder than before. Sessions tend to be short, and often end with an uncontrolled process where I have a random thought while forcing, have my mind go on a tangent about it, completely lose my focus on Mélissa and our wonderland, and then forget what I was doing before and drift off to sleep. There were also a few times where she decided on her own when we'd stop, usually when she thinks getting enough sleep would be more important for me than being with her.

 

So, for this update, I'll instead talk about the various threads that have developed in parallel in the last five days.

 

First, one element of Mélissa's personality that I wouldn't have seen coming - she's very playful, and very often does things just for the sake of fun. This is especially the case in how she moves around. While we're now pretty much able to teleport to a place just by thinking that we're there, she still prefers to use her magic for it because of the pretty blue sparkles it leaves behind. There's also one time when I started forcing, and I could feel she was in the lake. When I got to its shore, she emerged from the water in the distance, and after greeting me, she levitated out of the water, then flew over in my direction at high speed, and landed with a front flip, all of this using magic once again. And let's not forget about yesterday when she got the urge to swim in the middle of a conversation, and dove straight into the lake from a cliff overlooking it.

 

Which is a nice segue into another subject that may not mean a lot in the grand scheme of things, but certainly is new regardless. Mélissa loves to swim. It wasn't something we had noticed before she randomly suggested last Monday, as I described in the last update, but I'm pretty sure that she has done it every single day since Wednesday. The first time, it was a still third-person mental image I had during a walk, that came from her somehow. She had such a happy look to her that I wish I had ever learned to draw. That evening when we were forcing, she showed me what it was like from her eyes, as if I was living her memory of it. Since then, there was the time she emerged from the water that I described above, and we swam together the last two times.

 

Oh hey, would you look at that! Another convenient segue! You might remember from last time, if you read the hidden part, that I just can't swim in my human body, but that she suggested that I turn into a copy of her. Just like her passion for swimming, it was not just something she would randomly mention only for it to never come back up again. The night after the last update, we tried thinking about Ember's suggestion. We immediately hit a roadblock, as neither of us knows anything about a woman's anatomy, and as such we wouldn't have been able to apply knowledge we don't have to me. In fact, she confessed that her body is like a doll, in that anything that can't be seen from the outside, including what's concealed by her fur, simply doesn't exist. On the next night, I asked her what kind of magic she was capable of using, and she could immediately name and show off the three spells we had seen her using by that time: one for teleporting, one for shapeshifting, and one for breathing underwater. And that's when an idea clicked: was she able to use the shapeshifting spell on me?

 

And the answer is, absolutely! We found that out because she could effortlessly turn my visualized body into one exactly like hers. It wasn't just an illusion, either. I could even feel my fur, and my different head shape. Putting a hand over my head to touch my feline ears was especially trippy!

She could also transform me into her nude form from that previous time, which let me get a feel for my entire body. And one last experiment we did was to grow my chest slightly, since it was flat. It was possible, but I didn't visualize it consistently across different angles, as I could see with a mirror she had magically conjured, so we haven't tried that again yet.

After those experiments, we switched me back to my human form for the time, but it did give me a dysphoria-free way to swim. The first time I did, it was because she teleported us there without a warning and put me in my anthro lynx form, so she could show me what the water feels like. We did go back on land right afterwards, but it was a nice feeling at the time. And the other time was yesterday, after she dove in the lake from a cliff in the middle of a conversation. Once she was down in the water, she called for me to join her, and I could spontaneously turn into my anthro lynx form, and dive after her, following the trajectory that she had used her levitation magic for. I then followed her underwater, until the forcing session abruptly ended like many times before. But when I thought back on it, I noticed the game changer in this whole sequence of events: I was able to do everything that I knew her magic can, and she simply acted as an enabler for it.

 

Finally, there's one last, but very important new development to talk about: how she's able to interact with my emotions. Last time, I described how she was able to let my gender dysphoria fade away during a particularly distressing moment. Writing that post ended up waking up that feel again, which actually made me feel awful for the rest of the day. When we started forcing that evening, it took more relaxing than usual before I could get my thoughts controlled enough to speak to her. Afterwards, when I told her about the dysphoria, and it started growing more vivid, she immediately did the hand-on-shoulder thing again, and healed me from it again. That made me actually able to think back on the original swimming incident with detachment from my emotions at the time, which was a huge help. She also seems to be highly responsive to my emotional state in general, probably even moreso than I am. At times when I'm scared of upcoming events, she would give me a comforting hug as soon as she'd feel a slight sign of fear from me, and when I'm in a more comfortable state in real life she's basically carefree. In both cases, it really helps drive me through these difficult times I'm going through.

 

Which brings me to something we've thought about a bit. I've already said I feel a fairly strong maternal instinct toward her. But as we've seen since then, she's also able to care about me in the same way, and wants to protect me above all else. And the opposite feelings are also there, where we know we can always trust the other with our issues. So, in a way, we are each a mother and a daughter to the other at the same time. And it makes sense - while we obviously aren't related by blood in any way, I am essentially raising her in her early days of consciousness, and she is stepping in to act like the motherly figure I lost when my mother in the real world turned out to be unsupportive of my transition. I used to feel wrong about seeing Mélissa as a daughter, but now I've embraced this motherly feeling more now that I know it's mutual.

 

Right now, there are two major thing we know we need to work on: we're currently only able to force in a relaxed physical state, which is why we do it when I'm in bed. The only exceptions are mental images like the one of her swimming, but we aren't sure of how they function. Being able to force more easily would be a major improvement, since it would make us safer from me falling asleep, and it could let me be with her in times where I'm in distress and could use her emotional healing. Second, we need to work more on my wonderland forms. Letting me have a more feminine body as a human is the main goal, though being more distinct from her as a lynx could also be nice.

 

I didn't think the thread's new title would end up being so relevant when I thought it up. And yet here we are!


Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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"Passive forcing" is also a viable way to spend time with each other. Harder to get into wonderlanding when passive forcing, but reinforces her the same way but in the material world. Only limit you have is yourself, as in what's fitting for you. It's all about finding what works for you the best and build on it. Tough, active forcing has it's benefits, so does passive. Most optimal thing would be doing both, of course.


Hello, my name is Kurisutina, but people call me Kuri. I have two headmates who I care about and a loving family to be proud and happy for. Do I need to say more?

Other's from this system: Matsuri, Xarbern

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