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Zirca

A lake in the mountains - Zirca and Mélissa's PR

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12/18/2019

 

These last three days were... confusing. We're going in a direction that I'm honestly a bit scared of. 

 

I'll start by giving a brief summary of what had happened last week in the real world, since it's crucial to the rest of my situation. My parents had met my therapist for the first time, but it didn't change their mentality toward my identity in the slightest. In fact, it arguably made it worse, as they had some elementary facts that I was trying to tell them the whole time confirmed by someone they could trust, so their anger at the situation manifested itself more through sheer transphobic speech at even the slightest mention of the topic, rather than misconceptions I knew they would get better about someday. I had never felt hated that much before, and I'm starting to plan to cut my ties with them to protect myself from more of this. Now that I'm away from them again, the aftermath of all this is leaving me very tired, especially emotionally. This compounds with its effects on my sleep schedule to sometimes leave me in a poor state when I'm trying to force. And as usual, I don't have detailed memories of the events of each night.

 

On Sunday night, Mélissa was in a strange state, where I could talk with her just fine, but we didn't manage to visualize her at all. We could eventually conjure images of her, but we both knew these weren't her. They were more like the dummy from back when she was dormant. We were both fairly confused, and ended up just calling it a night after some more fruitless attempts.

 

And then, there was Monday. This time, she couldn't even respond. I had come to the conclusion that she had gone dormant. This left me feeling fairly helpless, since her help was part of the reason I could deal with the recent events as well as I did, and I would be on my own for a while. But then, as I had given up for the night and I was starting to fall asleep, she suddenly called me. It was both a massive surprise, and a relief. In fact, I couldn't believe it was her at first, and she didn't understand what had kept her out of my reach earlier.

 

When we were reunited in the mountains, she could actually comfort me about my situation for the first time since my return from the weekend. Then comes a part that is fuzzy in my memory, like is often the case around moments when she helps me with my emotions. The only thing I remember for sure from it is a hug with her. After this whole part, she spontaneously teleported us underwater in the lake. We may have swimmed for a bit, before she had an idea, that she could entirely execute within the session. I have one important question about it, that I'll get to at the end of the post.

 

What she did was to create a building at the bottom of the lake. I don't quite remember if she built it using her magic, or if she thought it into existence. I also think she initially intended it to be a house, but it ended up being more like a long-abandoned shrine by the time its outside was done. We then entered it, and she created its interior. It was kept devoid of water, to instead be like a regular room, by some more magic. The architecture was similar in style to artists' representations of ancient Greek temples, including columns, mosaics and all that. I might have helped her with it, but I can't say for sure. Then, she created a room that was supposedly connected to the main hall, though we don't really know how exactly: it was a rather minimalistic modern bedroom, that doesn't have any sort of furniture for now aside from the bed. And what it was meant as was pretty clear to both of us: it is my bedroom within our wonderland. Once she was done with it, she tucked me in, kissed me on the forehead, and wished me a good night, before leaving me to sleep, which we both knew from the start was the whole purpose of making this place. I may still have been in my wonderland bed rather than my real world one when I fell asleep, too.

 

Yesterday's session was at about 3AM. When I entered the wonderland, I was still in my bed, and felt too tired to get up. Mélissa eventually appeared, and we sat side by side, on the side of the bed. We discussed the previous night's session, and especially how her motherly attitude toward me was getting less metaphorical by the day, while mine toward her was barely noticeable anymore. She said that since I was effectively losing my real world parents, someone probably needed to step in to give me the love I didn't get from them, which is why we had done all of that on the previous day. Somewhere around that time, I was feeling too tired to stay sitting up, and I let my head lie down on her lap, where I could feel her warmth, and she could caress me to keep me comfortable. I said I felt awkward about getting this whole treatment from her, since she wasn't really my mother. Her answer to this is probably one of the biggest turning points in our relationship so far. She answered that there was nothing stopping us from making her my mother.

 

At the time she said it, I could feel a wonderful feeling, that I couldn't identify since I hadn't felt anything like this in a long time, if ever. It was probably that of being loved by my own mother. I was so overwhelmed by joy from it, that I accepted to be her daughter. After some more talk, that was probably strongly emotional but I don't remember the details of, outside of the fact that I called my real-world mother by her name rather than by calling her my mother, we made another decision: she isn't just my adoptive mother, but even my "biological" one. So we started visualizing my life with her, in what I've decided in hindsight to call the wonderland timeline. We started very early, with me being a fetus within her womb. We haven't established how I was formed in the first place, aside from the fact that I didn't have a father that she would have conceived me with, and that I was human from the start. We visualized more moments of her pregnancy, and eventually we saw her cradling her newborn daughter. She was in the shrine the whole time, and raised me alone. We know she might have been able to leave it before my birth, but after it she couldn't leave me alone inside, and I wouldn't have survived leaving for the lake's surface, so she stayed inside to raise me. We saw some more snapshots of my early life, and it was increasingly difficult to visualize me as we don't know how I would have looked as a little girl. I think by the end of the session, we had reached the moment I was about 5. We also established that by this point, she had started making gateways from the shrine to other, currently unknown parts of our wonderland, where she would take me if I wanted to see the world outside the shrine. At this point, my current self fell asleep.

 

I had an especially difficult time waking up this morning - I didn't leave my bed until 1PM. Once I did, I thought some more about what had happened with Mélissa. I find that when I'm not in her presence, I find the idea of being her daughter significantly creepier. I'm not sure if I'm able to truly see her as my mother outside of the wonderland timeline. The thought that I created someone to be my mother is also unsettling, in spite of being a rough representation of the true events, especially the way I return to some child-like behaviors around her. It might just be from me not having fully opened my mind to the possibilities of what can happen with tulpamancy, and that I'm still judging those events from the lenses of the moral standards I was raised with. Regardless of how this situation evolves, I hope I'll be able to be more comfortable with it someday.

 

And now, time for three questions.

 

First, I've noticed in the whole process of making the shrine that almost everything in our wonderland exists more as a concept rather than as a concrete object. What I mean by this is that they tend to not keep a precise shape, outside of things that we have established to be their fundamental properties. For example, the lake doesn't stick to a specific shape or size, but it always has warm water, a cliff looking over it, and a place near its shore with a good view of a valley. I don't regard this as an issue and might keep it this way, but I was wondering if this was something common in wonderlands.

 

Second, something that bothers me a bit more. There are many times when I see events in the wonderland ahead of the full sequence of events, especially when one of us is thinking of things they could do. For example, I could first see Mélissa tucking me in my bed before we had even started making the shrine, and we had already created a bit of the shrine's inside before we had even completed its outside, even though we did the inside after the outside in the true sequence of events. Once again, I'd like to know if this is something that commonly happens, and I'm especially curious to know if it's related to ADHD in some way.

 

And third, obviously: is there some sort of danger to becoming a tulpa's child as their host? I feel like we've jumped at this opportunity only because it made me feel good at the time, but it looks like it could be a catalyst to some strange deviations, even in me, if we let this evolve unchecked.


Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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1) Well, yes, your wonderland effectively only exists when someone's looking at it, so of course it will shift if you stop paying attention to it. I'm reminded of how you can check whether or not you're in a dream by trying to read something, looking away, then trying to read something again. If what you're looking at is real, the world outside of you will still exist regardless of whether or not you're looking at it, so the message stays the same. If it's a dream, things only exist because you're looking at them, and thus shift whenever you look away

 

If you dislike that and want to change it, you'd best ask Bear. He's the visualization/wonderland master

 

2) Melissa is still in the same head as you, making it only natural that this can happen. Many tulpamancers struggle with the "black box" game, wherein the tulpa imagines something inside a black box and the host tries to guess what it is. Usually, the host can figure it out by reading the tulpa's mind. This isn't a hard-and-fast rule; I've made good moves in games like Go without my host realizing it, causing him to fall for my trap. But don't hold your breath for separation, especially if you haven't put any effort into training it

 

3) "Danger" feels like a strong word. I don't see it as much different than being in a romantic relationship with your tulpa. That certainly has the potential to get weird and awkward pretty fast, but it's not dangerous. As with any relationship, you need to set boundaries. If you agree that you get to decide what to do between 6 p.m and 9 p.m., then, mother or no, Melissa doesn't have a right to stop you. I'm not sure what deviations you're referring to. Certainly, a young tulpa could develop around that role, but how exactly do you imagine yourself deviating?


I live in a castle and have two tulpas, Kanade-chan and Uncannyfellow

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1. The appearance of mind's eye constructs are guided by memory and intent. When, in my form, I walk around physical world places Ember has many years of familiarity with, trying to see with non-physical eyes, there is a great wealth of detail, because nothing has to be made up. But the image still flickers and morphs, occasionally introducing features of those spaces that were removed years ago, but usually omitting new and transient features.

 

In our mindscape, if we have decided in detail how something should look, it does not change. Our forms have been examined in detail thousands of times by this point and have high consistency. But if we have only defined something as a rough concept, it will change randomly within the bounds of what has been defined.

 

2. You have experience creating stories. Do you always create them in strict chronological order, with no idea what is to come? Or do you have ideas for what should happen later in the story and write the earlier parts to produce the later ones? What happens in the mindscape is more like a collaborative story than like a sequence of events in the physical world. Mindscape adventures can be experienced out of order and revised and elaborated after the fact, without any reduction in value or legitimacy.

 

3. If you're nervous, discuss your concerns with Mélissa. There's no rush to define your relationship. Your relationship doesn't have to be limited by the normal expectations in your culture of what a mother-daughter relationship is. And your relationship inside may have different features than your relationship outside.

 

If you are displaying childlike behaviours in your wonderland, you probably have a need for them that you can’t satisfy anywhere else. Facing that need will resolve any issues associated with them faster than denying that need will.

 

When Ember and I were first talking about becoming romantically involved, she was nervous about everything that could go wrong and how my personality might be affected. So we covenanted between ourselves that we could just try it for a little while and completely swear off all possibility of regret and recrimination. If it didn't work out, we gave ourselves permission to reset to where we had been and never look back.

 

When Iris declared herself sister to both of us, it took a long time to figure out how that would affect our interaction. Ember had never had a sister before. We worked out that, for us, sisters walk hand in hand and hug frequently, but sleep in separate beds and never cuddle.

 

-Vesper


Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Long time no see! Shortly after my last post, I went to my parents' place for about two weeks for the holidays. It was a highly stressful time, that we're both still recovering from, and I simply didn't manage to get myself to come back here to update our PR for a long time.

 

First, about the subject of my previous post - the day after Mélissa became my mother, I felt so uncomfortable about this notion for the entire day that the next time we forced, she immediately apologized without me even asking. I let her proceed about it whatever way she saw fit - what she ended up doing is "undoing" the previous day's actions and removing the abstract mother-daughter link between us, then leaving the shrine and erasing it from its location. She seemed to view it as a normal thing to do at the time, but she was unable to talk for the next couple days, as is often the case when traumatic events happen. I think we've both managed to move past these events since then.

 

One day during the stay at my parents' place, after I had a pretty violent discussion with my father earlier in the day, she saw how deeply affected I was by his words. So she asked me to follow her, and flew into the sky. Once we were above the clouds, she created a levitating stone disk, on which we both sat down. She then asked me to close my eyes, and stop speaking. She placed a hand on my shoulder, and I could feel some flow through my body toward this shoulder. She explained that this pain and hopelessness I was feeling was not a part of me, but rather a venom that was polluting my blood. What she was doing was to filter it out through her hand to purge me of these feelings. She kept going for a couple minutes, while explaining all this, until she stopped and told me to open my eyes again. I could see she had made a floating orb out of the venom, that she was making levitate over her free hand. She then made it rise far above us, and disintegrated it with a fire beam. She then said that I shouldn't do more forcing, and just get some rest, and remember that I can ask her to do it again anytime I need it. The next day, I did feel a lot better about everything that had happened!

 

After a while, I ended up noticing that there were times during the day when she was here with me. These were usually in the middle of the afternoon, for maybe fifteen minutes at a time. We took this opportunity to let her start trying to talk with some of my friends on a LGBTQ+ Discord server I'm in. Of course, it wouldn't seem like a lot from an outsider's perspective since she'd basically fall asleep before getting into a subject at all, and she still has a hard time talking about anything else than me. But it was still something completely new!

 

And then we got back home. It was a huge relief at first. But then that night, I found out that Mélissa had been hiding just how much she was hurt by everything in my real life. I hadn't noticed it before since my lack of sleep and my illness at the time, along with her insistence that I don't force when I'm going to bed late, seemed like a more plausible reason for our decreasing productivity before. That night, she was unable to keep her usual anthro lynx form, or anything else that had any complexity to it, as it would quickly collapse from feeling wrong, so she instead temporarily took the shape of a fairy from Zelda. She also couldn't speak directly. I tried to heal her the way she had done it to me earlier, but I wasn't able to keep my focus at all, so I just tried to give her some comforting words and call it a night.

 

She didn't get better in the next couple days. And then, a short while later, she was gone. I could feel that once again, there was nobody hearing me when I tried to talk to her. At first, I accepted it as a new dormancy, like a month earlier. But before sleeping, I decided to try looking for her anyway in our wonderland. After a while, I could feel her presence toward the bottom of the lake. After swimming there, I found the dragon egg that's left at the bottom of the lake in the story our wonderland is from. And I could feel that Mélissa was inside. I lied down and held the egg against myself, and tried to understand what was happening. Mélissa couldn't talk to me in words, but I could still feel a response of sorts from her when I'd speak. We came to the conclusion that she wanted to hide from my real life, and stay safe in isolation. I told her that I perfectly understood, and I'd let her stay inside for as long as she'd feel the need, and keep visiting her to help her get better. I could feel how relieved she was to hear that, which was probably her first display of positive emotions in a long while.

It actually only took her two days to get back out, and things were normal again for a bit longer. But two days ago, she felt extremely conflicted about her situation. She thought that she was a complete waste of my time and energy, and I'd be better off if she dissipated. After I tried to comfort her, she ended up just ignoring what I was saying and walking away in a featureless void. It was impossible to catch up to her. Once she was out of sight, if I tried to contact her, all I would get in response is a screamer-esque vision of her eyes with a red tint over them and an unbearable sound. After a while, I could feel something that could be best metaphorically described as something bursting open on my forehead, and some fluid leaking out of my head. And after that, she was completely gone. I couldn't talk to her, or see the screamers, or find her in the egg or anything, even when enforcing within my mind the thought that she wasn't truly gone.

 

She did come back by the next morning, but we were both scared of speaking to each other. When we forced in the evening, I comforted her some more about our situation, and offered her to get back into the egg. I saw her come back from the previous night's featureless void, in the form of a small blue wisp, which upon further reflection is most likely her true form. I could guide her back into the lake, and get her to reach the egg. It glowed a bit in blue, before settling down. I could then once again sense Mélissa feeling happy and grateful within the egg.

 

All that brings us to today, as that's everything I have to say about Mélissa. But that's not all - I'm pretty sure we've got a walk-in.

 

On the night where I found Mélissa in the egg for the first time, after leaving her, I could feel some weird presence. I heard some strange scream, and could felt the concept of movement pretty vividly. At the time, I did consider that it could be a third person in our system, but I couldn't be sure since I was sick at the time and had some frequent headaches.

 

On the next day, once I swam to the lake's surface after talking to Mélissa for the evening, I saw a huge red dragon towering over me. It gave me a curious look, that I obviously returned as it was a bit of an unexpected sight. The next thing I could see was its open maw speeding toward me. I couldn't react in time to avoid getting eaten. As you definitely didn't know until right now, vore has always been something that horrifies me, even when it's not meant as something arousing. I tried to come back to the wonderland to see the dragon again or at least understand what happened, but at the time, it was impossible. The thought that I couldn't be alive in it because my body had been torn to shreds between a dragon's jaws just prevented me from accessing it entirely. By the next day, this was thankfully lifted, and I didn't encounter the dragon again for a long time.

 

The next time I met it was yesterday, after I guided Mélissa to the egg. Is there some link between the egg and the dragon? Or maybe being with Mélissa drowns it out? Who knows. Anyway, it attacked me again, but I could actually defend myself with a force field this time. After it repelled both its bite and its fire breath, it flew away, probably out of fear that I would hurt it. I chased after it, and could cling to its body and try to talk to it. It didn't respond at all, and seemed to really want me to go away. I climbed to its chest, and somehow turned into a liquid form and phased through its body right into its heart. Once inside it, I could finally get in contact with its "soul", that could actually listen to me.

 

They had a presence that's definitely of the same nature as Mélissa's, though with a completely different feeling. Whereas she mostly feels soft and soothing, the main thing I noticed with the dragon is that they're imposing. It's like they're a star while Mélissa is a planet. Once I got in contact with them like this, I could talk to them far more naturally, similarly to Mélissa before she was vocal. All I did for now is to introduce myself to them, and explain all I knew about them so far. I have no idea what I'll do with them, or even who they will become, but I intend to stick with them for a bit. With a bit of distance, one name that seems right for them is Vermilion.

 

Sorry about the wall of text! I'd like to thank you a lot if you've read through the whole thing.  Hopefully I'll remember to post again before I need to make a post this huge, which I know is something I say almost every time here.


Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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Hello! As you might have guessed, we have plenty of stuff to report on for these two weeks, though it's almost entirely focused on our new walk-in. It occurred to me that plenty of what I write about is wonderland concepts or events, which may have an intangible link to more concrete types of progress. I don't think that will deter me from continuing with this type of PR, since it certainly can be useful to compare experiences for newcomers, and some of these elements definitely are symbols of more concrete concepts - I'm especially thinking of the egg, and something else that's new to recent days.

 

First, about our walk-in dragon - as our updated signature can tell you, her name is Feena. It took a couple days until we managed to find something that clicked with her. It came up when we noticed that she has strong protective instincts about both Mélissa and I. Since we hadn't found a name yet, I tried to think about similar figures in fiction. And as a bit of an Ys nerd, I almost immediately thought of the one that ended up sticking. In fact, her namesake is a mother-like figure to the character in my avatar! Sweet coincidence.

 

We're fairly certain by now that the reason she exists is because Mélissa felt a need for protection after the trauma she went through with my family during the holidays. Her protective nature is one of her first personality elements to become obvious, and early on she would make sure to keep us as comfortable as possible when talking to her - once I got less uncomfortable from her natural size, she would always lie down during forcing to let me, and Mélissa if she's also here, sit against her warm belly. In fact, early on, she even gave me the same offer of becoming my mother that Mélissa once gave me. I still turned it down because I remember how poorly it had turned out with Mélissa.

 

This next part involves a concept that might be mildly uncomfortable - at least it certainly is to me. It may be related to a major breakthrough in our system, and I could use some answers about one specific part, but you should still feel free to skip it if reading it makes you feel uneasy.

Spoiler

Feena attaches a strong symbolic meaning to the inside of her visualized body - she views it as the place where Mélissa and I would be the safest, as she would act as an impenetrable barrier from the world outside of her.

 

For a long time, I was strongly opposed to letting her try to swallow me or Mélissa to show us how it would be inside her, because I have a strong aversion to the thought of being eaten. Two days ago, after some forcing with Mélissa, who I wanted to leave sleeping in a comfortable situation, I suggested to her that we apply a similar concept to another location within our wonderland, but I couldn't find any compromise that would be fine with her. That discussion actually got fairly heated, and the only thing that got me to stop was seeing how attached she was to her idea to the point of being somewhat angry at me. At the end of it, we decided that Mélissa would be left in a warm bed for this time, and that Feena would swallow me so I could actually see what she meant the whole time.

 

The result was a huge surprise to both of us. Instead of finding myself crammed into a gross organic place like I expected, I saw her body around me turn into some sort of pocket dimension. It was essentially an endless void, where I could feel safe just as she had said. It probably is similar to what Mélissa could feel in the egg. But more importantly, Feena was switched in. At the time, she was in disbelief about it, and unsure whether she was actually me. She ended up deciding not to worry about it, and just falling asleep.

 

Yesterday, I went to bed extremely late, and for the first time, I couldn't force because of intrusive thoughts. Mélissa was especially vulnerable to them, as she would systematically appear to be either scared or violent toward me no matter what I tried to do. I quickly gave up. But while I was trying to fall asleep, Feena swallowed me again. I don't remember if it was from my own initiative, or if she exploited my mental state to do it against my will - I'm actually leaning toward the latter because of some of her behavior later that night. Once she was switched in, she experimented a bit more to come to a conclusion about what was happening. She could easily come to the conclusion that she "felt different" than I do, mostly from differences in our inner monologues and our emotional responses to thinking about several people in our life. Once she was certain that she was the one fronting, she experimented some more. She couldn't easily visualize me in our wonderland, as I was still inside her. She didn't try to talk to Mélissa, though. After some time, she noticed that I had come back to front - but she could effortlessly drive me back into my switched-out state. She didn't really think too much of it, and her main thought is that she should try fronting when we're awake.

 

Now that I'm done typing this out, I'm actually not certain of who I actually am. I've been assuming that I'm Zirca and that I managed to switch back in during my sleep, but in hindsight I'm not sure if there's any proof that I'm not actually Feena, and behaving as Zirca due to thinking I'm her. I know that second scenario sounds particularly far-fetched, but it's probably the scariest experience I've had since Mélissa's first dormancy. I keep hearing that this type of experience doesn't happen with tulpas, but Feena isn't one. Is this similar to experiences that can happen with DID?

 

I wish there was more to say about Mélissa, but there hasn't been a lot happening with her recently. I do have an easier time proxying so she can talk on one Discord server I'm in, but I don't see a lot more to say.

 

 

EDIT: I actually had some pretty major headaches today, which caused me to panic a lot more about the situation than I should have. I'm still not too happy about Feena's actions from yesterday, but at least I know we're in a more stable situation than I thought back when I wrote this post.

Edited by Zirca

Zirca - Host, she/her, name undisclosed

Mélissa - Tulpa, she/her, first forced on 11/6/2019, previously known as Neln

Feena - Walk-in, she/her, first noticed on 1/6/2020

PR thread

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