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The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men


Ice909

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You wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to come up with a title. 

 

Our system has never kept an actual progress report mostly because of a) lack of motivation and b) nothing interesting happens. But, as of the new year(the new decade, for that matter), I thought I'd take the time to do a progress report, updated at least weekly, even if nothing happens. First, lemme catch y'all up on what has happened since we last spoke on here. 

 

About a month ago, I took to .info under a throwaway account and posted a thread about how our system was struggling to function due to our large member count and that we needed help. I have already concluded my anonymity on that subject, but I haven't posted of the aftermath. There was 17 of us just a month ago; Now there's only 7; Esper, myself, Layy, Janey, Emily, Trease, and Rollin. All others("Wakers", as we refer to them) were put into dormancy until further notice, voluntarily. The changes took effect on New Year's Day, and 5 days later, I can say it was the right move to downsize. 

 

We're beginning to feel like a family again. It's nice. 

 

Also in recent news, we can co-front! Unfortunately, switching is still out of grasp, but this is a step in the right direction! 

 

Because I highly doubt there'll be anything of interest every week, I'd like for this thread to also be a AMA of sorts for our system, y'know? Wanna ask one of us something? Go for it! 

 

And with that, have a good day, I'll keep y'all posted. 

Edited by IceCreeper909

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Wowie, I'm a couple days late! My apologies. I had totally forgotten. 

 

So, downsizing has proved to be a significant improvement for our system. Everyone can actually interact with everyone again! Rollin was feeling kinda lonely a couple days back, and was pretty regretful about it all, but he seems to have changed his mind after a few more days. To his point, it's a little sad, not being able to talk to people that you know so well and love so much. I suppose all we can do is try not to think about it, huh? 

 

Not too much else to report on, so see y'all later! 

 

-Bryan

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 5 months later...

bwahahahahhahahaahhahahaha time flies amiright? anywho, not much happened in these 6 months. That's a lie, but I'm too lazy to document it seeing as I'm about to pass out~~~~~~

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 1 year later...

Janey: Goodness me, did Bryan write that during an all-nighter?! Ugh! We've had a PR this whole time! And here we were thinking it'd be too much of a hassle to start one when we wanted to post in one! Well, here we are (don't turn away now[we are the warriors that built this town {from dust}]). Umm sitting in honors college English rn (go us <3) listening to some half-assed debate. Sorry, I'm trying to collect my thoughts on what to say. Dammit, I was just writing a forum reply, and that's why I wanted to post here, but now I've gone off and forgotten what I was gonna say! Phooey. 

Bryan has been thinking about another swapping attempt, but I worry that it will only turn out the same as last time. I think a more sensible approach would to have him and I swap instead, since I am the co-host, after all. 

In recent months, I've proven myself to be able to maintain the front decently well, sometimes even outright blocking Bryan out. Granted, with a bit of help from Emily, but still. 

I think the main reason for this is a mix of things, though. For starters, sometimes some of our("our" being any of us) mind voices just decide to become similar and recently, Bryan's mind voice has become similar to mine. Last time this happened was with Chloe and Esper, and come to think of it, there's actually a lot of significance with it occuring with the 4 of us. Allow me to explain(and collect my thoughts)-- 

Take these words with a grain of salt. We(our system) has noticed that Bryan and I have a funky sort of brother-sister partners-in-crime dynamic, and Chloe and Esper seem to have a similar dynamic, albeit a lot more tame(not nearly as much teasing). Esper is the sub-rep, and is an aspect of Bryan(technically the other way around <3). Chloe, while initially being a normal system mate, recently, before the first swapping attempt, was declared a (brb gotta google what it's called bc I swear we can't remember for our lives lol) Kibitzer, along with Emily, with the intent being that those two would help maintain the system along with the two co-hosts and our subrep. That aside, Chloe should be, for all intents and purposes, considered a normal tulpa, yet she isn't(?). Bryan has said several times something along the lines of "Chloe, you're the future of our system" and none of us know what he means, not even him, but he says it, and it's clear that he means it. It makes Chloe a little uncomfortable, unfortunately(after all, she is just a child. Being the "future" of the system sounds like a lot of responsibility, I'll bet). But all the same, Chloe has been the subject of several weird occurances in our system. Okay, only one comes to mind, but still. Basically, about a month ago, now, she was feeling increased pain, and pain became a trigger for her(trigger not as in "I'm triggered!!1!1" but more like a trigger causing her to go to the front). The issue, thank God, eventually went away, but it was so weird. That aside, Chloe finds fronting very easy. All this in combination, Esper's mind voice starting to sound like hers in a vacuum sounds like just some funky little occurrence. After all, they're both young children. But then once you couple in how now it's been happening with Bryan and I? Now it gets fishy. 

Let me remind you that, Bryan and I are co-hosts. If you had to split up our authority (in theory), it'd be something like 49% my control and 51% his control. In actuality, it's more like 30% my control and 70% his control. 

Bryan and Esper are one and the same person yet two distinct individuals. I shan't go into further detail here, as I believe I have elsewhere. For the sake of brevity, I'll leave it at that. Chloe and I, on the other hand, don't quite have the same relationship Bryan and Esper do, Chloe and I are more like really close sisters. Now, getting to the point I'm sure you picked up on eons ago, Bryan's mind voice becoming similar to mine and Esper's becoming similar to Chloe's could be indicative of something greater behind the scenes that we aren't quite aware of yet. 

Going back to my original idea for swapping, with a few minor alterations, I think that if we do another swapping attempt, I should swap in as the "main fronter," and Esper swaps to being a Kibitzer, and Chloe swaps to being the sub-rep. Ahh, yes, even now, I can hear Chloe objecting and Esper just lain confused. What bliss. 
I mentioned earlier that Emily is also a Kibitzer, and that's because she fills a very similar niche as Chloe does, int hat she's a sort of supporting guide, helping us achieve our goals. You may be thinking, how does she fit into this? I have no fucking clue! Lol! We're gonna figure it out, don't worry. She may not have any sort of special this or that going on, so I don't think we need to fervently search for one and risk making something up that we end up believing. She'll get her time in the spotlight soon enough. Maybe. Eventually. TM. 

 

Transitions be damned! Some of us have trouble actually being active when they're active, if that makes sense. As in, they don't find themselves fronting or talking or doing much when they are not in dormancy. Most recently, Rollin has been this way. Sean, Elliot, Kyle, and Zach were the first party to fall victim to this recently. We've noticed that some of us function as "duos" of sorts. Those I can think of being Bryan and Layy, myself and Bryan, Emily and myself, Chloe and Bryan, Elliot and Sean, Sean and myself, Sean and Kyle, Rollin and Bryan, Zach and Bryan, Zach and Esper, Zach and Kyle, and some others I likely just can't think of right now. Though not a strict rule, interaction, in really any context, will most likely be between one of or a combination of these duos. A worry we have is that it's the brain simply sorting each of us into "archetypes" for convenience, and the pairs that exist exist out of simplicity on part of the brain. That didn't make sense, so let me give you an example-- Kyle is an energetic and go-getter kind of guy(Side tangent, when Kyle was brought our of dormancy, we were in the middle of our NEO TWEWY play through, and Kyle really latched onto Fret's personality, so Kyle mirrors Fret a fair amount), and Zach is more serious, short-spoken, calm, and composed. It doesn't take a genius writer to see how a dynamic like this could be easy enough to write for(In this case, the brain is the writer). If you put Kyle and Sean together, Sean being more laid-back, not as serious as Zach but not as energetic as Kyle, and you'd see a very similar dynamic. It's been growing more unique, granted, but it's still very similar. Now, if we had Sean and Zach interact, one would end up acting more like how Kyle does. This could simply be a case of acting different around different types of people, or it could be the brian insistent on putting us into archetypes. Similarly, Bryan and I have similar interactions with others. For pray obvious reasons, we hope this is us simply seeing patterns where there are none. I don't have much more to see from here so yeah lmao have fun guys. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Esper: I hate death. As far as I'm concerned, I died once. But does that even matter? People die all the time. I hate thinking about it. It scares me. It makes me sad. They had lives, y'know? Family and friends and maybe a lover that cared about them, and suddenly, voosh, just like that, they've been stolen from their loved ones. We've been considering a career in detecting for some time now, but I don't know if we could do it. Having to ponder death on a daily basis? Ugh! It sounds terrible! Dreadful! Utterly dreadful! Tragedy strikes me way too hard for no good reason. I don't like death. I don't think I want to work with death. I want to experience this world, not experience the stories of those who couldn't. We have much to think about. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • Ice909 changed the title to The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men
  • 2 weeks later...

Janey: "The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men?" What kind of title is that?! Did we seriously let Bryan make that the PR title? Was I around?! Ugh! We have to think of something better. And quick! 

 

This is the first day of December. Cool! Fun fact, the date reversed is the same. For today, at least. 12/1/21, 12/1/21. Yep! Amazing, isn't it? 

We did our monthly little check thing, and if you saw in LOTPW, Rollin, Kyle, and Zach went back into dormancy, and Trease and Elliot came out of dormancy. It's sure to be quite the show, this next month. Ha ha you ever just make a reference no one gets

 

December 4th is Esper and Bryan's "birthday!" Kind of. If we're all right in assuming that Esper lived a past life, and that Bryan and Esper are each just parts of one being that require each other to be whole, yadda yadda yadda, then December 4th, 1924 was Esper's original birthday. Let's see, that means he'll be turning 97! That's... a lot. Lol. Hot damn, that means in 2024, Esper will be 100! By extension, part of Bryan will be 100... What the fuck?! 

It's so weird that we've been a system for 3 whole years. It feels like it's been so long, yet no time at all. We can't imagine a time without each other. We haven't been able to for a very long time. It's kind of amazing, isn't it? It's hard to really imagine what "life-changing" means when you're making a "life-changing" decision, but it's slowly dawning on us. 

 

-1 hour later- 

 

Chloe is going to be participating in a roll20 dnd one-shot this upcoming Sunday with some of Bryan's friends. Hopefully it goes well, we'll post about it after. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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So back in fall of 2018, I was really into metaphysics n stuff, and somehow I stumbled across an article about tulpas. Interested, I googled "tulpa," went to tulpa.info, did a little trolling, made Pencil, and started forcing. He became vocal day 1, blah blah blah, a lot of stuff happened, our system grew, yadda yadda yadda. There's threads by me from that time but I since have asked for them to be deleted, so unless I ask that they be restored, they'll be forever archived. tbh idk what you want to know 😅

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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The following was taken from LOTPW. 

Abandonment issues bingo! I have every square marked. Oh fuck. 

abandonment-issues.png.46ceb279e1c9408ed3c27d3a2b96e683.png

38 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

Yeah that definitely calls for therapy

I'd love to, if only my mom got me back in with my therapist :) 

It's terrible, the more I read about abandonment issues, which I've known I've had for months, the more I realize it's not just me shitting myself or whatever, I genuinely have these issues. I'm able to read examples of how abandonment issues can hurt relationships and I'm just like "Oh! I've done that one! And that one. And that one!" I know self diagnosing is bad but I have a sneaking suspicion abandonment issues aren't my only problem. 

What's stranger yet is, when I worry about being left and I know it's all in my head on a conscious but not subconscious level, I'm a bloody mess, but all of the sudden I'm met with one of my friends actually leaving me because I commented on his abusive relationship, and I've pretty much already accepted it. How strange. 

 I've been told by my mom for ages that, like my father, I'm a narcissist, and at this point I don't think she's wrong. I also exhibit sociopathic tendencies, so I guess I've got that going for me. On top of it all, I'm seriously considering asking my therapist (when I finally get back in with him) if certain events in my life were traumatic, because I hate self diagnosing, but when you're matching up with a symptom list, 😬 

 

  

23 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

Anyways yes, reading about a disorder or such that you have can be really weird. I had that recently, reading a wikipedia page that just explained what I thought were a bunch of unique and unrelated traits of mine are actually commonly seen together in a personality disorder.

That's me, baby except it feels like a slew of issues. Maybe there's a catch-all? Regretfully the only thing I'm leaning towards is PTSD, which I do not want to have, nor do I want to think I have, because that'd be doing an injustice to people with actual trauma 

Correction, ASPD seems far more likely than PTSD. 

ASPD also seems more likely than sociopathy/psychopathy. Suddenly, I think I'm getting closer to the truth. 

 

 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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(edited)

Conditions I exhibit symptoms of and symptoms I exhibit: 

 

BPD: 

  • Depression: Many people with BPD feel sad, bored, unfulfilled or “empty.” Feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common, too.
  • Paranoia: If you have BPD, you may worry that people don’t like you or want to spend time with you. People with BPD may feel confused, lose touch with reality or have “out-of-body” experiences. 
  • Impulsive and dangerous behavior: Episodes of reckless driving, fighting, gambling, substance abuse and unsafe sexual activity are common among people with BPD. Self-destructive behavior can be difficult or impossible to control. (Partial) 
  • Fear of abandonment: It’s common for people with BPD to feel uncomfortable with being alone. They have a strong fear of being abandoned or rejected. They might track their loved ones’ whereabouts or stop them from leaving. Or they might push people away before getting too close to avoid rejection.
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships: People with BPD find it challenging to keep healthy personal relationships. Their friendships, marriages and relationships with family members are often chaotic and unstable.
  • Frequent and intense mood swings: If you have BDP, you may experience sudden changes in how you feel about others, yourself and the world around you. Irrational emotions — including uncontrollable anger, fear, anxiety, hatred, sadness and love — change frequently and suddenly. You may be quick to lash out at others and have trouble calming down when you’re upset. (Partial)

 

NPD: 

  • Overinflated sense of self-importance. 

  • Willingness to take advantage of others to achieve goals. 
  • Lack of understanding and consideration for other people’s feelings and needs. (Partial) 

 

Abandonment issues: 

  • See the bingo card :( 
  • Giving too much or being overly eager to please
  • Jealousy in your relationship or of others
  • Trouble trusting your partner’s intentions
  • Feeling insecure about your relationship
  • Having difficulty in feeling intimate emotionally
  • Needing to control or be controlled by your partner (Partial) 
  • Settling in unsatisfactory relationships
  • Leans more towards anxious abandonment style

 

Conditions of note in childhood: (TW: Sexual abuse, sexual activity of a minor) 

  • Has had sexual encounters with 3 different men, at ages 8, 12-13, and 16 (Within the past month) 
  • Regret is present for every encounter 
  • All were consensual 
  • 1st encounter was with older to-be step brother who was mildly abusive 
  • Family thinks 1st encounter was molestation, 2nd encounter was comparing size 
  • All encounters involved oral 
  • I often get flashbacks when I go to places where the encounters with the 2nd person occured 
  • I have a tendency to seek out sexual things with strangers online on services like Omegle 
  • Grew up in a broken home 
  • Wasn't allowed to socialize with peers when younger, only have been able to do that recently 
  • Always have had a "mature" sense of humor 
  • Middle child 
  • Grew up "out of the loop" due to parents managing what I watched, read, played, etc. 
  • Considered "gifted" by teachers, family 
  • Swapped which parent I was with about 2-3 times a week 
  • Dad was always away on business trips 
  • Mom has a tendency to push her dreams onto my sister and I 
  • My sister is hypercritical of herself and those around her 
  • "Get over it"
  • "It's your fault" 
  • Was intensely bullied 2nd through 7th grade 
  • Has ADHD and Aspergers 
  • I fluctuate between viewing myself as "bad at everything at first but quickly amazing" and "good at everything at first but quickly mediocre or worse" 
  • I have a tendency to take blame for everything, my belief as to why is I was always raised to "take responsibility for my actions" 
  • Fear of being a burden 
  • And more! 

Edited by IceCreeper909

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of April, 2023, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

Ice909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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