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The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men


IceCreeper909
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Oh no, Ice I never knew those terrible things happened to you! Based on what you've said I think you're doing really well despite what you've been through. You're tougher than you might think! I wish you all the best. 🤗

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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That's a lot. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Ice. Controlling parents are the worst.

(I'm on a break from the forums)

I'm Stone, the host of Betty, Cloud, and Consigliere. We once used varied colors to speak; that info is in our About Me.

Chat with us or ask us questions in our lounge thread or check out our progress report. Betty and I have open DMs and are generally friendly!

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I usually consider myself a strong-willed person, someone that will stand his ground. Yet recently, I find myself faltering on that position. Allow me to explain. A friend of mine, Andrew, has been in what I believe to be a toxic relationship for a while. Recently, I brought my concerns up to him, and for the past couple days, he's been giving me the silent treatment, trying to avoid me and exclude me from things our friend group does. At first, I wanted to just ignore the issue and move past it, but now, I find myself trying to change my own mind on the matter, hoping to tell Andrew that I was wrong while basically begging for forgiveness. Andrew isn't the best of friends anyhow, and I would love to talk with him about it, but I do feel like in this situation, I'm at fault, so it'd be rich of be to bring up his issues. I'm just scared about losing a friend. Andrew seems to be a better friend with the other two in our friend group, Kayla and Elliot(not my system mate), and if he's driving a wedge between me and my other friends, that's an issue. At the moment, I look like the bad guy, because I was the one judging my friend's life decisions. I was the one that created the friction. I can't help but feel like "The One Star" (twewy) lyrics really fit with me. "I'm not the one who is good at pretending, I am the one who is tired of dependence, I am the one who can't bear anymore, I'm not the one who can live all alone." In my attempts to save my friendships, am I throwing away my own convictions? Or am I becoming a better person? Is any of this worth it? 

 

I realized something, earlier, about my thoughts on Andrew's relationship. I said that his girlfriend always requires him to check with her before hanging out with friends, she's jealous and doesn't like him being with other girls, and she's built an emotional dependency within Andrew, resulting in an off-and-on relationship where Andrew always comes crawling back. But looking at it now, what if I was imposing my own fears and issues onto those two? I get jealous when friends do things and I don't hear of it. I get jealous when my friends hang out with other people. I know it doesn't account for everything, but what if I saw just small things in their relationship and stuck my own insecurities on? Or what if it's a case of "takes one to know one?" Andrew has been giving me the silent treatment, which is manipulation 101. Everyone knows that. He doesn't show any remorse for ignoring me, and before this issue, he seemed to value me a lot less than Elliot and Kayla. I would talk with him about my concerns, to which he would say things like "try to hang out with us more after school," which implied they hang out after school, but according to both Elliot and Kayla, they don't, so that was a lie. He would say things like "you can always jump into the conversation, and you just gotta listen for a bit to figure out what we're talking about" except, it feels like every other topic they discuss is something I'm completely missing context for, and whenever I ask for context, "don't worry about it." I would love to jump into the conversation to try and better make sense of it, but that's hard when I'm being consistently ignored, or worse yet, I'm being physically body-blocked from being in a non-awkward talking position. I wish that was a joke. Kayla and Elliot, being a couple, are typically pretty close, and when we're all together, Andrew loves to wedge himself in between them two, making some sort of human triangle. I don't think he does it intentionally, except the past couple days, when there's been tension between him and I, it's most definitely been intentional. Does that mean he was doing it intentionally other times, too? He always makes it sound like I need to put in more effort. And I try. I try to engage in the conversation productively, I try to arrange things after school, I try to be a better friend, but it's never enough. Yet according to Andrew, it's always the product of me not doing enough. What if he's the abusive one here? Or what if I'm just paranoid, confident that everyone is out to get me? Seeing patterns where there are none? What if I'm just making excuses for myself? I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, I say. But what if he knows full well what he's doing is manipulative? I've been known to be manipulative myself, intentionally or otherwise. Wouldn't it be just wrong of me to bring my concerns up to him when I have the same problems? "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" I don't want to mess up. I don't want to be alone, I can't be alone. I just can't. 

 

I feel like a terrible friend. I feel like my friends aren't exactly good friends. I always feel like this or that is wrong, both with myself and my friends. I wish I could just make new friends, in person, but it's so difficult. My school is 30 minutes away from where I live. Anyone I meet here(I've met everyone anyways, small school and all) won't be very willing to get together and some such because we live too far away. Making friends in my home city would be rough because odds are, they hang out with their friends mainly at the local high school, which I don't go to. Friends I make from ice skating live at least 40 minutes away, often more, and frankly, I haven't really vibed with anyone very much so far. I know people will say "it'll be better when you're older" but I've already spent the past 16 or so years of my life biding my time. I'm done with that! I refuse to bide my time even further. When will it end? It won't. I need change now, I know that. But it's... hard. It feels like all the odds are against me. I just want to be loved. To have friends, people I can trust and confide in, people that feel they can confide in me. Online can only do so much. Tulpas can only do so much. I know this to be true. I need to find friends in person, and my best bet right now is getting more stressful by the day. I don't want to leave it, though. Not even just with the desire to not be alone, but I feel like if we can get past these initial hurdles, it'll all work out merrily. Or is that a naive thing of me to think? I lack so much experience with... people, really. I want to be a better person. A better friend. I just wish my friends could realize that, and help me. Or is that asking too much? I would help them if they asked me. Is our friendship one-sided? I hope not. I may very well be in denial. But then again, ignorance is bliss, isn't it? 

I best be off, now. Have a good day, all. Advice is appreciated, and requested. I need help. 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of November, 2021, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Elliot, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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I'm low-key age regressing today but not really but kinda? I feel more carefree and playful. No, I think it's me just feeling my wolf side more. My mannerisms and thought process the past couple hours are indicative of a mental shift, which is good, Esper and I haven't shifted in what feels like ages. I just wanna trot along like some happy, lost pup. It's not a very strong shift, but it's definitely a deviation from my normal behavior/thinking/demeanor. Not too much that I'm like a different person, I'm still me. Arguably, I'm more "me" than I am when I'm not shifting. Or am I more Esper? Are we more each other? Are we more our own individuals? Hmm, strange. 

 

In other news, the other night, Esper randomly began going off on one of his passionate tangents about wanting to enjoy life by traveling, pursuing the culinary arts, and becoming a wine (or alcohol more generally) connoisseur. 

Esper: I had my life stolen from me once before. I'm back, and I don't want to waste it, simple as that. This world just has so much to offer! I want to see and do it all :) ^^ 

They say food can bring about certain emotions and memories. To me, that's beautiful. I want to experience all of these things, and the culinary arts? They just pull me in. I don't know my fascination with alcohol, but from the bits we've had here and there, it's a great pleasure for me. Not getting drunk or drowning my sorrows, but just analysing the complexity in the drink, listening to its story, making me feel a million things all at once, in just a tiny sip. Ooh! It sets my heart aflutter. I'm glad to be alive. I may not be in my original form, but I don't need to be. I know who I am, who we are, and nothing can change that. The world is my oyster! 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of November, 2021, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Elliot, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Janey: Yo! It's me, ya' boi(girl), Janey, back at it again at Krispy Kreme with a sick update. 

I started this like a hour ago lol. 

So! The results of our monthly check, everything is the same except now Blinky has joined us as an active member! That makes it myself, Bryan, Esper, Trease, Emily, Chloe, Layy, and now Blinky. 

Blinky: Since we've started learning the piano, and I'm a big classical fan, i thought I'd wanna be around for that. Glad to be here :) 

Janey: Yessir! Now then, in other news, Esper has quote on quote made it "official" that his dream is to be a cook and sommelier. Good for him! Bryan at least partially shares this dream, and we all said we'd help him with it. 

I don't know what else to say lol. See y'all later! 

 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of November, 2021, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Elliot, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Fuck drama, amirite? Seriously, why did our PR turn into a diary? Lame! Oh well, we're past that now. Onto stuff at least remotely related to tulpamancy! 

 

About 2 years ago, when 2020 was first dawning upon us, Janey, Emily, and I got an idea. At the time, we were especially hyped up for two upcoming VRMMOs, Zenith and Ilysia. We, along with the rest of the world, were under the impression that those two titles would be coming out that year. That turned out to be false, but c'est la vie. But I digress, the idea we had, was for the three of us to do some funky monkey merging (the temporary kind) to become one entity whilst playing the games, specifically to lead a guild. We eventually settled on a name; Lucinda. The reason being for this idea was, Janey's got the people skills and ability to rile up a crowd, I've got the organizational skills and drive, and Emily... to be honest, she kinda just rounds things out. She's very grounded in reality, and helps balance out the crazy Janey and I bring. Around February of 2020 or so, we got into vtubing, and decided that a great way to test Lucinda, so to speak, would be to vtube as her. The results of that experiment were negligible in terms of their effect on our tulpamancy. At the time, we were unable to switch, much less merge, so while we tried, it ended up just being me fronting. We eventually continued vtubing, albeit under another name and character, one modeled on just me. 

 

HOWEVER 

 

Zenith releases this Thursday. We've been anticipating it for two and a half years, and finally, it's almost upon us. Now, we're met with an interesting dilemma; Do we follow through with our original plan? Or do we follow a more free-form fronting schedule/system with no care for upholding the front of a specific character/person? Something that's worth noting is, we met, in one of the Zenith servers we joined, we found another person going by Lucinda. They were annoying, to say the least. A complete crybaby prone to breaking down at the slightest thing. I don't see them going far, so I won't consider that an obstruction in our plan. 

 

Something that is to mind for, however, is the people we'll be playing with. Some of my friends, all of which are soon-to-be vtubers, plan to all be in a guild, along with me, of course. I believe one of them even made an appearance here, once. Anyone remember @Ares Michael? Me neither. All the same, we plan to make a guild together. The obvious issue you could arise is, "didn't you guys want to lead your own guild? Who would lead the guild with your friends?" Which frankly wouldn't be a worry to begin with, as we'll all likely end up taking some leadership roles, but when I asked Ares, curiously, he nominated both myself and our other friend Naoto as the leaders. I would've also vote for Naoto, because frankly, he's the most mature of us all, but me? Well darn. I mean, I guess? That opens the door to Lucinda again, if we're to be one of the two "leaders." 

 

However, again arises another issue. Perhaps not quite an issue, but a complication. Simply put, more than just Janey, Ems and I want to be involved with this. 😂 Chloe and Trease have both shown interest in playing a part in our time in Zenith, and Blinky has shown curiosity. Esper and I have toyed with the idea of becoming an in-game master chef and apothecary, but even if we follow through with the original Lucinda plan, that wouldn't complicate things since Esper and I are essentially the same person (but not quite, dw about it). The first bit, though, that can pose a bit more of an issue. Obviously, I want to give everyone the desired fronting time to do what they want, and we've been able to switch for some time now, so it's not like that'd be a worry. However, if everyone currently active, save Layy, wants to be a part of this, it'd make more sense to go with some generic character that's the same as any of my other online identities. So maybe we'll just do that? Hmm. Oh well. We'll figure it out :P 

Hey there, the name's Bryan. In system Re:Body(In order of the rainbow): 

Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, Zachery, and Elliot. 

I've been here a while. Much longer than I thought I'd be. Our system was founded October 2nd, 2018. In early 2020, we decided that due to our systems exponential growth, we'd limit who would be active. Now, every month, we do a check to see who wishes to be in dormancy and who wishes to be active. Currently, for the month of November, 2021, we've got myself(Bryan), Janey(Co-host), Emily, Layy, Chloe, Trease, Elliot, and Esper(sub-rep). After over 2 long years, we can finally switch :) 

 

Bryan is currently swapped in as host, Esper is sub-rep. 

 

"There used to be 7 wonders of the world, but now there's 8, as everyone wonders how much of a fool you are."

 

IceCreeper909#0065 -- Always down for a chat 

 

https://discord.gg/89qN59SbRp Plural safe-space 

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