The ramblings of some self-proclaimed mad men

[Ice909]

It's been two years and some change since we last gave a progress report, and I'm afraid this one isn't very happy. Rather, it's a brief retelling of our system's history, and what we've been up to (or rather, what we haven't) since I last posted here. 

 

Our system has stagnated greatly since we began almost 6 years ago. Back then, I was a bright-eyed middle schooler who believed in psychic powers and magick. Now, I'm a college drop-out with no job and few prospects. The world is all topsy turvy and the place I once thought I had in it, I'm suddenly not so sure of anymore. We initially had a lot of growth, almost entirely due to my own immaturity and lack of understanding for just what I was doing. My reasons were childish and materialistic. I wanted different system mates with different forms. I based them off my OCs, as I'm sure many tulpamancers have before. But our size swelled. What was once just myself and Esper, soon turned into a system of 16, eventually 17 around late 2019. I was just a kid, and I had oodles of time to myself, and I didn't want to be alone. That's how I rationalized it. I didn't have a friend group, so I made my friends. And while my system mates have helped immensely in that regard, the desire for friends and a partner out of system grew too large. The time I had for my system became mostly times before bed and early in the morning, as I was falling asleep and waking up, respectively. Over time, that's only gotten worse. We had to cut back on how many of us were active, doing a monthly check to see who wanted to be active and who wanted to go into dormancy. I confess, though, we haven't done one of those checks in the better part of a year. The idea was to start small, then gradually work our way up to the brain being able to support all of us at once. But that never happened. Our system, instead, shrunk. For a while, our roster consisted of myself, Esper, Layy, Janey, Emily, and Chloe. But recently, it's mostly been just Emily, Janey, and I. We stopped practicing things like switching and possession a while ago. The most use we get out of either is when I'm reluctant to do something, like asking someone something, or getting out of bed. I pray many nights that we'll find the motivation to continue practicing, and that our system will be able to support more people being active, but I know that it's in vain. 

I've been a terrible host. I've made little to no effort to even try. I can make excuses all I'd like, about how my life out of system has gotten busy, or about how I have many friends now in person and online, but still. It doesn't matter what my system mates say to comfort me, because at the end of the day, I failed them. I gave them life, brought them into this world, only to cast the overwhelming majority of them aside, like playthings I discarded once I got bored. And yet, I refuse to let go. I hold onto that silly hope that one day, things will work out. But will they? 

 

6 years ago, I was the epitome of an escapist. I believed in magick and the like because I wanted to believe that there was more to this world. I knew that I was likely wrong, but that didn't stop me. My faith in those sorts of things only truly faded around year 3 or 4. Around year 2, I became a VR enthusiast. I wanted to be someone else, in a world that was new and fantastical. I prayed that one day, technology would allow for our system to thrive in such a virtual landscape. Simultaneously, I held the belief (and still do) that I (Or rather, Esper, with I merely being another half) was reincarnated. That in year 1924, we were born a wolf pup, but quickly thereafter, our life ended prematurely. We believe that this life as a human is a second chance. That belief has guided my views an immense amount. I'm no longer the same awkward wannabe-runaway. I live to see and experience all the beauty in this world, good and bad. I fully embrace my life. Or at least, I try to. Despite that guiding feeling of wanting to live life to the fullest, I've been grappling with a crushing lack of motivation for years. Depression, I'm well aware, but not something that meds have helped with, and I've been unable to go to therapy. Though I wish to do all these amazing things, I don't even have the motivation to follow a Godot tutorial. Being raised a "gifted" kid, I don't take to failure very well, and things I don't immediately grasp become frustrating. Seeing my peers excel when I'm still falling short led to an incredible feeling of inadequacy. I've been trying to get a job, any job, for months now, almost a year, to basically no success. My game dev ventures haven't gone much of anywhere, nor have my voice acting endeavors. My schooling is halted because even though I want to go back to college, changing majors from computer science to English, I'm on academic probation from failing all my classes the last semester I went, due to lack of motivation. I have these great ideas, and these delusions of grandeur, but it's all talk, just as it is with my system. It's always been all talk. But how do I move past that? How do I get the motivation to do those tough things, when the very thought of it makes me want to cry out of feeling unworthy? How? How, I ask, do I get out of this slump? It doesn't matter if I'm on my antidepressants and ADHD meds or not. The result is the same. 

 

I'm watching my friends graduate college, get married, move out, all that. And here I am, clacking away on my keyboard, wondering what I need to do to change my situation. Because apparently, I'd rather spend more time trying to find some mystical advice rather than just... doing it. This whole spiel spawned from me getting a flash drive at Staples for a Windows install. I'm gifting a PC I have lying around to a friend. But the flash drive I got, it has orange accents. It reminded me of Compact. Initially, I used a white and orange flash drive to represent him. That drive is long since gone, but now there's this one. And staring at it, it serves as a reminded. A reminder of my failures. Of my insufficiencies. Of how I failed to be the host that my system deserved. But even after all that, what am I going to do? What am I going to change? Nothing. It's hard to describe, but in trying to muster up the will to even do that, my brain just blanks out, like I woke up in the middle of the night and don't remember what I was dreaming. I feel immobilized. I know it's a common ADHD thing, but God, I wish I didn't have to contend with it. And yet, I can't even find myself feeling bad. I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. Like I long since recognized that, yep, it is what it is. I'm not going to change this. I've accepted that. But no, wait, that can't be right, can it? How can I give up so easily? But that's just it. It isn't so easily. it's been 6 years. Things are coming to a point where I'm having to accept the fact that, unless there's some major shift, Our system is how it is. Small, with many waiting, sleeping, occasionally stirring when something, be it a name, or a picture, or a sound, reminds me of them. That's just how it is. 

 

I ask of you, my dear friends, what do I do? I'm not unhappy these days, merely unsatisfied. But then, I feel as though I can never be satisfied. How do I fix this? Please. 

[Ranger]

Howdy Ice. It's been awhile, and believe it or not I missed you a little.

 

Right now we're not in the best place either- we dropped out of college, have a panic attack if we try to apply for a job, can't drive, we're on a high dose of anti-depressants but it seems to not be effective.

 

But we have an idea of what are problems are, and I'm wondering if we're in similar boats because we have similar problems. We found out that well, we're uh... _{I feel really ashamed to say here...} I also have a tendency of finding people with trauma histories and hanging out with them- I can't think of a single person I spent a lot of time with in the cobud (tulpa) commuity who didn't have trauma.

 

We realized our trauma is extremely detrimental to our day-to-day life. Back around the beginning of 2023, we realized Gray's parents are abusive. Turns out, emotional abuse towards you for your whole life can fuck you up. For the last almost couple years, we found how pretty much every problem we have can be viewed as a trauma response- our bad brain fog, "we can't use our brain cells", lack of motivation for things including stuff we enjoy or used to enjoy, our panic attacks, and even our creativity and processing speed.

 

...we started to split. Gray was first. And then in 3 days time he integrated. And then I split. I integrated in 1 day. And then Gray sharded. And then I split. and then Stars (Dream and his other clones) started to collapse.

We figured out we can ask our brain to represent large chunks of our trauma as thoughtforms we could talk to. And by building trust with our trauma parts, we have had tremendous success. While progress is slower than we would like, Gray feels okay while self-learning code stuff and I recovered from some of my .info trauma already. As of now, Stars is stable, we have prevented at least 2 splits, and Gray is making progress on other trauma work so I can then focus on undoing my split. We also found out the thoughtforms that were created would have been the thoughtforms formed if we split- we met the thoughtforms that used to be Gray and I's splits from the first time.

Granted, the splitting could have happened due to our EMDR therapy work, well, happened early. We were doing EMDR therapy work before Gray split the first time. However, I think we were a ticking time bomb and the EMDR therapy gave us more control over the end results. We do EMDR on our own now, and we continue to heal bit by bit every day.

I know you don't have access to EMDR therapy, but seeing yourself through a trauma lens may help greatly. Having thoughtforms to talk to, heck even micro parts to talk to during our trauma work isn't even an EMDR thing- we ended up adding something we needed to make the trauma work effective. However, I think you may be able to do this without thoughtforms to talk to if you don't want that. We pretty much asked ourselves for guidance and then when our mind wanders we get clues- your mind will probably do the same.

Here's what I recommend:

• If possible, have a crisis line on hand. In case something goes wrong, you'll have someone to talk to.
• Ask crisis line people for resources. They may be able to point you to someone who can help you, or at least give you something to look into.
• DON'T dig into your trauma unless you know what you're doing. You can re-traumatize yourself if you try to figure out your conflicting emotions before you're ready to. You need awareness and/or connectivity. You want to listen to yourself, not dig into the trauma.
• Set your main objective to being getting into a better situation. Making enough money to get out of the house for instance. It's okay if you're not ready for college, we won't be for a long time either.

---

 

I know that's maybe not what you were expecting. For us, cocreation as a whole has been on the backseat. But it's not indefinitely on hold.

My non-trauma part headmates are looking forward to us being happier as we make more trauma work progress. They want us to do art of them, they like to chime in online, they want to play, and eat food they like as they usually do. We expect that they can help work on our indie game dev project stuff if they want to, and lately they have enjoyed hanging out with our online best friend. Just recently, Gray got in an art mood and HOPEFULLY Exabier will finally have a pfp he can show off to people.

The whole system will be happier if their host(s) are happier. It's not a failure to do self-care and self-work, it's actually the responsible thing to do. Survival is a bare bones requirement for everything.

Worst case scenario- you guys can also integrate or dissipate if needed. We are currently a system of 10 members, counting all of Stars' clones as 1 member and not counting all of the trauma parts since they are parts of either me, Gray, or Stars. Not including trauma integrations, we had 5 in-system integrations and 2 dissipations (Adriel is the only cobud who is an integration of 3 former cobuds). Our headmates made these decisions on their own.

[Ice909]

Certainly not the response I expected, but not an unwelcome one. But I wonder, how much would it help? For as long as I can remember, I've had crippling self-awareness; that same self-awareness is what makes the feeling of powerlessness all the worse. 

 

Frequently, I get the urge to sob. It's a fleeting feeling, not triggered by just sad things, but by happy things, too. Just a release for pent-up emotion, I suppose. But I can never quite force the tears out before the feeling fades. Just now, I was reading the about EMDR, as I haven't heard of it before, and the feeling came upon me again. I don't know why, exactly. Let me see if I can trigger it again. 

Nope, no luck. Though I have an idea of why it triggered there. The feeling that there's something so wrong with me that I'd have to use that sort of therapy is a thought I don't like. I feel like I can acknowledge it no-problem on a surface level, but any deeper understanding eludes me. Like my brain would rather be in denial. 

But like I said, sometimes I get that feeling during happy moments, too. Overall, I've been more emotional lately. Small things like a friend getting me a gift, will almost cause me to bawl my eyes out. Only almost. Part of me wonders if it's the opposite; if it's my brain trying to overcompensate during moments that should evoke emotion. But if that's the case, why did the feeling come over me when I looked up the therapy thing? I can't say. 

 

Regarding potential solutions to our size problem, I've briefly considered both integration and dissipation, and the prior is much more likely. The later just feels... wrong. & the way I see dissipation, it's only true if the memory is gone in its entirety. Elsewise it's dormancy, as it is now. Or maybe it's only dormancy because I say it's dormancy, and not dissipation? 

 

I want to get my life in order but it's easier said than done. Just as you put it, Ranger, there's this brain fog. "We can't use our brain cells." I know it's a symptom of both ADHD and depression, both of which we have, but if that's the case, why don't our meds help? Side note, something I noticed, when talking about things regarding our mental health, I use plural pronouns, but when I describe things out of system, I use singular pronouns to refer to myself and our system. Wonder if that has anything to do with anything. Oh well. I'm largly sure we have BPD. Dunno if meds for that would help or not, but my concerta and zoloft seemingly just made things worse in the long run, so it's really anyone's guess. I don't have any point to make or whatever, I'm just rambling. I'll call it here for now. Thanks for listening, and thank you for your advice, @Ranger. I've much to think about. 

[Ice909]

Had that feeling again. Forgot to mention that it's not just crying, but laughing, and screaming. Just the urge to release all the emotion. An aching to be vulnerable, if even just for a moment. Came about from texting a guy I've been talking with. I'll spare the details, but he reaffirmed to me that he cares about me when I was feeling anxious that he was cross with me, and if you know my lore, you'll know that's a recurring anxiety of mine. 

[Ranger]

There is the option of screaming in wonderland. Gray's trauma parts have been doing that when they're overwhelmed. We don't want to make a lot of noise, and the end result in the physical world is tensed up muscles, shaking, and silent screams.

 

[September13]

Hello Ice. Simmie has urged me to come on and talk to you because she sees a lot of similarities between ourselves, so hopefully I'll be able to say something useful.

 

I understand a lot of what you're going through. Like you I was a "gifted" kid who went on to have a hard time with things that didn't come naturally. I had magical beliefs myself, "knowing" they were not technically true but clinging to them anyway. I had an inflated idea of my self-importance.  I went through a crisis when I was around your current age where I could feel that self-mythology crumble around me, I felt totally inadequate compared to the people around me. I tumbled out of college after two years because I simply did not have the motivation to go to class or do the work. (That seems to be surprisingly common in this community.)

 

For me that was almost twenty years ago and I've lived a lot of life since then. I wish I could tell you that I have gained some great wisdom or learned great strategies for getting past this, but in truth, it's an ongoing process that I am still going through today and often feel like I'm still at the very beginning of. My coping strategies were not always the wisest, and a lot of the potentially promising things that I attempted ended up failing, either right away or slowly over time. I could give you standard good advice (Such as "creating systems" over "having goals") but I know all too well ADHD-brain makes implementing even the most sincerely-believed advice difficult if not impossible.

 

I guess the best general advice I can give you is to do the best with the tools that you have. You need to have a realistic appraisal of what your abilities are and how you might be able to use them to increase your quality of life according to your values. Even small and seemingly unimportant things can be meaningful. For instance, I have always wanted to travel the world but I've never had the ability to do so. However, I DO have the ability to visit just about every town in New Jersey and eastern Pennsylvania and take in the sights, to get just a whiff of the million little stories that lie down every street. One might argue that things such as this is downgrading your expectations for yourself, but I think it is merely making the best with what you've got.

 

Something else I would recommend to you is taking long walks. I find walks to be incredibly stimulating; they help me organize me thoughts like little else can. Some walks I talk to Simmie the entire time, other walks I just vibe, not really thinking about anything in particular but just letting my mind wander where it may as I take in the sights around me. I don't know if you're a coffee drinker but I often enjoy a nice cup of hot coffee on these walks, even on a hot day, and I have been in the habit of taking sunrise walks in the summer before the heat gets unbearable, starting before 6am.

 

Also, I recommend singing in the car. No, really, LOL. It's a great way to let out emotions of all kinds. During 2020 I used to listen to Weezer's Pinkerton album front-to-back on the way home from work every day and sing along with it. Put on whatever kind of music you like, turn it up loud, and sing along with it as loud as you want to.

 

And here is something that is no doubt doing to be infuriating but it's true--age helps. A lot of the piss and vinegar you feel when you are young settles down as time passes. I don't know exactly how old you are but I seem to remember you are around 20 years old? I can tell you that a significant mellowing happens to most guys after the age of 25, and especially after the age of 30. I can tell you there are so many things that used to bother me so much that I barely worry about anymore. You tend to adopt an "it-is-what-it-is" attitude about things and become more accepting of things you can't change. I understand this is infuriating to hear because it is completely passive, but at least you know that this level of angst does not remain forever.

I almost went through this entire reply without mentioning Tulpamancy on a Tulpamancy board, lol. But I will say this: The best thing you can do for your system is to live well and be happy. Do not beat yourself up about being a bad host--your systemmates care much more about your wellbeing than they do giving them attention. And don't forget they can look after one another too.

 

That's about it for now, I hope there was something in all of this that is of value to you. I wish all the best for you and would like to pass along that Simmie thinks about you often and has a great fondness for you. (I'm praying for you, Ice! 🙏) Feel free to reach out to either of us if you'd like to talk.

-Phil

[Ice909]

That's just it, Phil. A lot of that advice, I've long-since put into action. I'm not unhappy, merely dissatisfied. I value my life greatly and I love seeing new things and going to new places. I ride an e scooter all over my area (About a 10 mile radius, including access to a train station which can take me across the state for free), and often sing while doing so. A year ago, I had a religious crisis that redefined my spiritual beliefs, and in general I like to think I've grown into a man that genuinely wants the best for people. That urge to release pent up emotion frequently comes over me on my outings, usually when I see something that's just beautiful, which as far as I'm concerned, is just about everything. None of that is the issue, I don't think. In fact, I'd wager all of that is incredibly healthy. Yet in spite of all of that, I'm still unsatisfied. I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied. I recognized a pattern long ago about people I'm romantically attracted to; I like guys that don't give me the time of day. People that will give the occasional remark or "I love you" but otherwise are effectively leading me on. I don't have them, and that's intoxicating, because I want them. Once I have them, it becomes boring. I fucking hate making a Hamilton reference like some high school drama club freshman, but it reminds me of the song "Satisfied" from the Hamilton soundtrack, hopefully for obvious reasons for anyone familiar with the song. That aside, it doesn't change the fact that, at the end of the day, I want that which I cannot have. That feeling permeates through me mainly on a subconscious level. I try to be humble and accepting and grateful of all that I have, but deep down, it's not enough. I'll keep trying in vain to make it enough, but it simply... isn't. It mainly comes up in my love life and professional life. With jobs I've had in the past, I tend to have a "grass is greener" mentality. And with love, well, I already told y'all about that. Again, not sure where I'm going with this. I don't know what I want, a lot of the time. I can't even simply say "more" because it's not that simple. Oh well. 

[Somnalchemist]

I identify with a lot of what you are saying, so I'll skip the pep-talk and my life story and go straight to brass tacks. For medication: I used Wellbutrin/bupropion. The effects were subtle, and eventually my brain figured out what it was doing and could emulate the effects on its own. I'll assume you have the meditation experience to do the same. If you want to know more about my experiences with it, let me know. Second, I recommend Mark Mason's books "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and "Models: How to Attract Women with Honesty". They have little to do with the title, and are mostly about how to be honest and vulnerable with yourself in a healthy way. I think you will be surprised how many problems go away when you acknowledge them directly. Not in a passive "sure this might as well happen" way, but in a defiant "Yes, I'm crazy, what are YOU going to do about it?". Finally, in regards to your spiritual/magical beliefs: just because they may not be true, doesn't mean they can't be useful. I'd like to tell you that there is a golden path where God smiles upon you and riches fall in your lap. I'd like to tell you that I've found it and tell you my life story. It would even be true, to a point, but I am also aware of the obvious limits.

Spoiler

Trust me, if I had the ear of the Almighty there would be more fire and brimstone in the streets. This whole peace and love thing isn't working.

 

I will say that something is keeping you here instead of in your head. Something matters. The job, money, house, and love is all normie stuff. Whether you are super special and advanced or broken beyond repair, the normal rules don't exactly work for you anymore. You fell through the cracks. You're free, in a sense. You can yell racial slurs or advocate your personal cult fight for your pet political issue. What are they going to do? Get you fired? Turn your friends against you? The fact that nothing matters, itself, doesn't matter!  You can make shit up and decide that it's more important than everyone else's made up shit. The world wants to ostracize you so that you'll come crawling back to their system, but you are literally a system on your own. Flip the board over and call yourself the winner.

[Ice909]

 

30 minutes ago, Somnalchemist said:

I identify with a lot of what you are saying, so I'll skip the pep-talk and my life story and go straight to brass tacks. For medication: I used Wellbutrin/bupropion. The effects were subtle, and eventually my brain figured out what it was doing and could emulate the effects on its own. I'll assume you have the meditation experience to do the same. If you want to know more about my experiences with it, let me know. Second, I recommend Mark Mason's books "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" and "Models: How to Attract Women with Honesty". They have little to do with the title, and are mostly about how to be honest and vulnerable with yourself in a healthy way. I think you will be surprised how many problems go away when you acknowledge them directly. Not in a passive "sure this might as well happen" way, but in a defiant "Yes, I'm crazy, what are YOU going to do about it?". Finally, in regards to your spiritual/magical beliefs: just because they may not be true, doesn't mean they can't be useful. I'd like to tell you that there is a golden path where God smiles upon you and riches fall in your lap. I'd like to tell you that I've found it and tell you my life story. It would even be true, to a point, but I am also aware of the obvious limits.

  Reveal hidden contents

Trust me, if I had the ear of the Almighty there would be more fire and brimstone in the streets. This whole peace and love thing isn't working.

 

I will say that something is keeping you here instead of in your head. Something matters. The job, money, house, and love is all normie stuff. Whether you are super special and advanced or broken beyond repair, the normal rules don't exactly work for you anymore. You fell through the cracks. You're free, in a sense. You can yell racial slurs or advocate your personal cult fight for your pet political issue. What are they going to do? Get you fired? Turn your friends against you? The fact that nothing matters, itself, doesn't matter!  You can make shit up and decide that it's more important than everyone else's made up shit. The world wants to ostracize you so that you'll come crawling back to their system, but you are literally a system on your own. Flip the board over and call yourself the winner.

Absurdism, in other words. 

[Somnalchemist]

Quote

Absurdism, in other words.

 

I prefer to think of it as "survivalism". It doesn't sound like you are in a good place, and I doubt the "normal" options are going to work, so take what you can get. If it helps, keep it; if not, abandon it. Until you have a surplus of emotional energy and material reserves, you don't need to justify your actions beyond that.