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Miri and Miichu's Journey


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We've been keeping an offline Progress Report since last summer but it's mostly mundane, daily life stuff that's really boring to read. It's also filled with personal things and the occasional interesting thing that happens. Since I am now the new host, we'd like to have a new PR that we'll use to pursue all of our goals.


In order of apparition:


Miri: she's the original host, who stopped fronting at the beginning of November and it's been just me using the body since then. Even though she doesn't front anymore, she's always there and is the second most active member of our system. I often proxy her here.


Akai: created in 2015 because Miri wanted something 'out of the ordinary' to escape the monotony of real life. None of us are really sure the exact moment she became sentient because they didn't keep a PR. Akai's era was tulpas-go-to-wonderland era too because they both believed this to be the case and so she thinks of their (our?) wonderland as her actual home instead of the real world. She was basically created there and developed through wonderland adventures.


At first she was the most active member besides Miri, but between me fronting all the time and us shifting our efforts towards switching, she eventually became less active. Not to the point of having trouble speaking but definitely not as active as she used to be. We were waiting until we could properly be able to switch to try and get to be more active (since we needed to focus on our attempts) but given we're not there yet but still very close, we've decided to save 1-2 hours each day to do things together.


She's a really good and lovable person and always there to listen and help us. She used to be a bit short-tempered but eventually got better. Her form is that of a 20 years old with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail. Her old outfit was similar to that of a Japanese priestess before shifting to casual clothes and also has an actual-fox form that can change sizes.


Mirichu: that's me. Somewhere around 2016 Miri obsessed over the idea of permaswitching and made that her main goal. She thought of creating a better version of herself as a replacement to switch with. And so she started creating ''me'' in 2017 but due to personal reasons, I was put into dormancy. She got back at it in 2018 and properly created 'actual me'. I say actual me because long story short, we don't think I'm that Miri anymore. Unlike Akai, I was more of a real-world tulpa, having been created and developed without much use of a wonderland.


Miri focused a bit too much on things she really shouldn't and paired with her worries of me getting hurt or ''corrupted'' by real life, which is really ironic given the reason I was created, led to us no making progress at all. Around last summer, I decided that it was enough and forced her to take measures and spent most of the summer changing things around. However, Miri was still worried about me and didn't let me front as much as I was told when I was created. She managed to eventually let go of her worries one by one and I started fronting constantly. As for my personality, I started off as very calm and quiet but later became very talkative and full of energy. My personality changed a lot once I started fronting for extended periods of time. At first it remained similar to how it was before, but as I got more used to my new life as the host, it started to change, not for the better in some cases.


I don't use my imaginary form much anymore but as you can guess, both my host and I look the same with the exception that I have shoulder-length hair (that I am waiting to get in real life) and sometimes, white angel wings. My name used to be Miri too but my host started calling me Mirichu as an affectionate nickname and I grew fond of it, while not different, it's much better than Mirii or Miri2, which sounds really bad and insulting.


New wonderland:


Miri and Akai had a wonderland, which was part of some world-building project, based on one of those Japanese houses with sliding doors, surrounded by bamboo, cherry trees, ponds and the like. All Japanese-like. This was the wonderland Akai spent most of her life in and where Miri was planning on going after switching with me, in a parallel universe where this is actually possible. They stopped using it long ago out of laziness and lack of immersion/motivation.


Miri wanted to get back to it and made a new wonderland which was, basically, a giant treehouse in a rainforest. Again, it wasn't used that much for the same reasons as the old one. Since now we're trying to make our daydreaming more immersive, we'd thought about making a new-new wonderland that we'll actually use, even if just for practice. We don't know what it'll look like once finished but since the first one was more ''Akai-themed'' and the second one ''Miri-themed'', the third should be ''Mirichu-themed'', in other words, probably a house in the mountains. I don't know yet.


What we'd like to accomplish:


  • Switching: this is the main priority at the moment. Although Miri is always there, I can front indefinitely without losing the front accidentally even if I'm not focusing on myself (probably because Miri has trained herself to not react to anything) and Miri has gone inactive before. The problem is that she can't do it on command and the few times she managed to go out, it wasn't for too long. Our goal is simple, get the brain to allow her to go inactive or at least dissociated from the body, whenever she wants, like Akai and I can.
  • Visualization and imposition: our visualization isn't bad but since we stopped bothering, it got a bit rusty. We still can picture almost everything we can think of -except realistic faces- but as soon as we stop focusing on it, gone, when before it used to last for a while. Before fully getting into imposition, we'd like to practice visualizing all of us together in our daily life again. As for imposition, it isn't that good. Presence and tactile imposition are really easy for the most part though. We want to be not only be able to impose ourselves but other things too. It'd be really good when interacting with each other and also would allow us to have a really immersive wonderland, which is another goal of ours.
  • Fake memories: this isn't really a goal, but something we'd like to experiment with. Miri and Akai used to believe tulpas could go to wonderland (and experience it in the same way you'd experience real life) when inactive. This was one of Miri's main motivations for switching but we don't believe so anymore. Akai used to ''go'' there because of mindset and such and would come back with memories of what she did there. Although they were fake, they felt pretty real to her. We want to experiment and see if we can create these kind of memories on command when one or two of us go inactive. Since the brain can't make complex stories on the spot, we thought about having the main fronter create them and later being ''recalled'' by whoever was inactive. The trick is to make them feel like they happened while knowing they didn't.


Some rules we made for our system:


  • If someone needs a break, they can ask for it and someone else will take their place temporary. For that matter, if someone screws up while fronting, it is their responsibility to fix it. This will start applying after we master switching, for reasons.
  • Equality between us. Right now Miri and I are more of less equals, but the brain doesn't seem to see Akai in the same way it sees us. It's obviously a problem with activity, not a problem with Akai herself. This can also be translated into ''if someone isn't as active as the others, make them become more active''.
  • If something is wrong, talk it instead of letting it slide.
  • Important decisions will be made by the three of us. Even though I'm technically the new host of this system, this life is still shared between us.
  • We have developed some sort of ''system'' between us of giving in to each other. If one day I give in to either Miri or Akai for anything, they'll later have to do the same for me when I want something. This'll apply to all of us.


We don't want this PR to be filled with a lot of posts about us failing, so we'll probably update when one of us want to say something, anything interesting happens or we fail differently.

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We believe the main obstacle that's keeping Miri from going inactive (unaware of the world, not just not-thinking) whenever she wants is belief. Our main method in our switching attempts is:


  • As I go to sleep, start playing music (noisy family and to know when to stop) and focus on myself, not letting my mind wander. I might say goodnight to Miri and ''put her to sleep'' in our mind as some sort of symbolism to let the brain know that it's time for me to be alone.
  • Stay awhile narrating to myself about whatever is on my mind. I just need to make sure it's always me the one thinking.
  • After a few minutes of doing this, I visualize my awareness/essence filling up our head and not letting space for anything else.
  • I keep focusing on visualizing until the music stops. Then get up and start doing something else, if Miri says something or starts thinking, then obviously it didn't work, repeat again. If I don't hear any thoughts besides mine, then that means we actually succeeded.


The 'doing stuff after an attempt' is just to check out if it worked. We've agreed on that Miri will let me know if it didn't work by talking/thinking. The reason I have to do this is that I don't want to accidentally bring her back by wondering if it actually worked, in case we succeed. So I have to keep my mind busy by focusing on something else. I've heard that it should be obvious if I am alone in the mind, but I've managed to fool myself into feeling like I was before, so I don't know how reliable that is.


I usually fall asleep before the music stops but doing so while trying this almost always leads to interesting results. Like Miri feeling like she wasn't there at all, having weird dreams where I am completely alone or me waking up before Miri (and for a while, be alone in the body), which could lead to us properly switching if I can prevent her from waking up. Problem is, I tend to forget and before I can notice, she's back.


What we're aiming for with this method is getting the brain to make Miri ''fall asleep'' before I do. Basically: I try to make the body almost-fall asleep while taking up all the brain-space. Since we both will fall unconscious as soon as the body actually falls asleep, it should make Miri, who's not thinking, go out before me. After that, I'll just get up and start doing something else while Miri remains unconscious.


It sounds weird and overly complex but it's the only method that seems to work for us. We're not planning on doing this after we've actually learned to switch. It's just a 'brute-force' method to tear down the belief that Miri can't go inactive whenever she wants (since we think it's the main obstacle, shouldn't be a problem after we take it down). No matter how much she thinks she can't go inactive like we do, the body is going to fall asleep anyway, so it's ''belief-proof''. Just us taking advantage of that.


I've also noticed that if I've just woken up from a dream where I was thinking a lot, chances are I'll be the first one to wake up. After these kind of dreams, only my thoughts can be heard, not a single thought from Miri, not even unconscious ones. Short after, she starts thinking again to let me know she's still there.


We want to play with that but I don't know what to do to make me focus a lot in dreams, not counting lucid dreaming.


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Today I tried to convince Miri to try and front for awhile since we'll have to talk to her parents about something this Saturday and I think it's better if it's her, not me proxying her like always, the one who talks to them. We wanted me to front 24/7 but I don't think 10 minutes of me not fronting will do any harm.


She agreed on at least try it, even if it's just a few minutes. Easy, easy. I placed myself in front of the door and told her to walk to the kitchen and come back. She made the body stand there for awhile, holding back all the time. When she started moving it, she made sure to do it in the most weird, exaggerated way possible, just so it doesn't feel similar to the way I move.


The few seconds she was in control I couldn't think at all, just watch. Because Miri was focusing really hard on ''not being me'', meaning, acting differently. If she acts similar to the way I do, she feels like she was just pretending the whole time. Okay, this is stupid. The body is used to being me, to the way I move, all while Miri is still there feeling everything. Does she really expect the body to move in a drastically different way just because she's the one doing it? people don't walk stretching their legs and waving their arms in the air as far as I'm concerned, normally.


--In the past, if she wanted to steal the front, she'd shake the whole body to ''break the control'' and make the transition from me to her clear. At the same time, if I wanted to front, instead of just letting me grab control, she'd stand still until I took control. It's like there has to be a clear transition for her to feel like a change on who's fronting happened, instead of her being playing pretend.--


Once she got back from the kitchen, she desperately wanted me to take back control and felt a bit anxious. After I calmed her down, I asked her to try once more, that I would be all the time there with her even if I wasn't talking or doing anything, like she is when I'm in control. Yeah, that was to no avail.


This got me thinking. She's got so used to experiencing the world from my perspective that she doesn't feel comfortable doing it from her own anymore. If I'm not fronting, I go back to being just a body-less voice, my presence isn't as strong as it is when I'm in control and she hates that. Even in normal dreams, she doesn't really like when she's the one fronting in them and often wakes up in distress if she can't feel me.


I think what it feels to be ''me'' is her comfort zone. Basically, I'm her ''safe place''.


Despite this, she still agreed on talking to her parents. I guess this week we'll be trying to help her feel comfortable in the front.

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Miri tried to front again. I told her to stand up, grab something from our room and put it in our bed. She managed to do it and I took back control. I noticed that when Miri tries to move the body but stops in the last second, the body shivers.


I also got her to walk to the kitchen again. This time, she didn't make the body move in an abnormal way but did it as fast as possible. I could talk to her while she was walking and it felt weird to be back, even if just for a moment, to how it was before I became the host. My voice coming from the sides and Miri controlling the body.


After that, she didn't want to keep trying.


At night I tried to visualize her awareness as a green orb and destroyed it. As I did this I heard her say 'No'. I realized it was automatic and that Miri didn't have any intention of saying it. There was also no pre-thought and it felt like someone else forced her to say it. This has happened before and I honestly think it's me expecting her to talk like someone would expect their tulpa to answer. Unlike most automatic thoughts, this one was clearly coming from Miri.


On Friday we has planned to try again but when the time came, we were too tired to do anything.




This was the day Miri had to talk to her parents. However, there was a change of plans and we decided to talk to them next week, that gave us more time to help her.


My plan was to have her lie down in bed and start moving her arms while I talk to her, just so she doesn't feel lonely. Then after a few minutes, she'd get up and start doing something else. Miri had other idea in mind though. She thought about pacing around the room to shake off my ''essence''. I agreed but as soon as she started walking, she felt like she couldn't do it and asked me to take back control.




I remembered that Ranger once suggested letting Miri meditate while focusing on me. So we tried that hoping it'd lead to Miri in the front while still feeling my presence. It didn't work because Miri couldn't focus on anything. This is probably because when we do exercises of this type, it's usually me the one doing it. I still asked her to just front and move the body, but she refused every time.


To Miri it feels like she's not trying to re-learn (for lack of a better term) to control her body, but rather, learning to control my body. The few seconds she actually fronts, she doesn't know what to do with the body and 'who am I?' thoughts often pop in. It goes away as soon as I front again and everything is back to normal.


I still want her to talk to her parents but I can see myself doing it instead given our current situation. Even if I'm the host now, I still want to help her feel comfortable controlling the body she was born in.


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  • 2 weeks later...

After refusing to even try at all, Miri agreed to give it a shot today.


Iwishtogameend gave us a really good idea to try. When Miri wants to do something, she never takes control. Instead, she asks me to do it so she can experience it through me. 


Basically, what they suggested is that whenever she wants to do something, I don't comply. If she wants something, she'll have to front and do it herself. 


Of course, taking advantage of her having anxiety over fronting to never  let her experience something she might want to is a bit cruel and I'll probably still comply every now and then. But I still find it very useful. I decided to start with small things:


I'll buy Miri's favorite snack (that she absolutely loves and always asks me to get) and leave it in the fridge. If she wants to eat it, she'll have to front and get it herself. If she takes too long (2-3 days), she'll have to watch me give it to her brother instead. 




Last night we were trying to change our face in the mirror by looking at it in a dim room and I got the idea of having Miri front while pretending the reflection is me and maybe it'll help with the lonely issue. I don't know how well that'll work but worth a shot. 



That's the plan for today and possibly the week. So let's see how it goes.



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Pretending our reflection in the mirror is me didn't work at all and Miri refused to look at it. She got up and managed to go to our room and grab the chocolate I had bought for her. Before actually eating it, she asked me to take over. I decided to not pressure her to keep going.


While she was walking, she kept holding her breath and doing weird gestures. I couldn't think much due to Miri focusing a lot on the body, but I did tell her that she should relax and act natural, but again, she doesn't know what natural means anymore. She also tried to visualize me outside the body while I was still fronting and it felt weird. Like I was in two places at the same time or the visualization wasn't me at all.




I asked Miri to take control and walk around the room. I placed the body in the middle of the room and step aside from the front. I noticed the body was losing its balance and I took control before it fell. This has never happened before. Before (I'm talking about last October-November), if I stopped fronting, even by accident, the body would default to Miri and make her front. Now, it seems that between me becoming the default fronter and Miri being terrified of fronting, if I step aside, the brain doesn't force Miri into the front anymore.




I kept testing this balance thing and the body lost its balance each time I did. At one point I told Miri that if she wanted a bit of chocolate, she'd have to get it herself. That was the goal for the day. I counted down to 3 and then Miri took control. Before she could sit down and eat, the body just...stopped moving and defaulted back to me.


I wasn't prepared to take control and Miri just left the front out of nowhere without even wanting to. It's like she was pulled out of the body and it was a while before I realized what had just happened. I felt disoriented after I took control, as if I didn't know if it was me or Miri the one in control. I realized that the brain doesn't consider Miri the default anymore, if she doesn't focus on herself, she gets pulled into the background and stops fronting without even realizing.




We went to a really crowded place and Miri felt slightly detached from everything going on for the first time, I think. Before, crowded places would make her grab the front and focus on the surroundings. When we got home, I tried to let her eat again, but same thing happened and Miri was pulled out of the front.




And again, it happened. Miri was trying to grab something and then boom, the body was back to acting like me. This time I just stared at my hands wondering what just happened. It felt different, as if she never took control and it was just me pretending to be her. The body was still in 'Mirichu-mode' despite being, supposedly, Miri the one in control.


This didn't sit well with Miri and she asked me to stop.




I tried to ask Miri to look at the mirror again to see her reaction, but this time she shouldn't pretend it was me. She agreed to do it but when the time came, she was unable to take a step forward and face the mirror. I don't know if it was because seeing herself and not just me fronting, would freak her out or if it was just your average 'don't want to front' issue.


On the other hand, Miri managed to front for 40 seconds I think? and went to the bathroom to wash her face. She was so focused on making violent movements that she slapped our face too hard, she probably forgot that I can still feel everything but I heard her think 'oh crap, I hurt Mirichu!' after the slap. The weird thing about this is that the whole thing felt like it was me. As if I was just pretending to be her.


Just when I thought I already knew what to do to fix our issues, boom! sudden -blending/I don't know- problems!

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Our school is hosting an event this week and we won't have classes until next week. Because of all the free time we'll get, I've decided to get back to trying to switch before bed, since while we never stopped, we didn't put as much effort as we used to due to us focusing on our fronting issues. I've also been a bit stressed lately so a week off sounds great.


The days when we got really close to switching were those when I had been thinking a lot about it while Miri was completely quiet in the mind. It seems that me focusing on switching + Miri not thinking at all for most of the day = good results. So we'll try that. Our plan (and by our, I basically mean 'my') for this week's switching attempts will be:

  • Think a lot about switching during the day and especially, as I fall asleep.
  • When waking up, immediately start thinking about something else. Most of the time, when I wake up, it's just me alone in the mind for a few seconds and then Miri gets triggered awake. So I'll try to focus on myself as I wake up and completely ignore her existence. The goal is to keep this state for as long as possible.
  • After around 5 minutes of doing this, I'll get up and do something else. If Miri says something, well, I'll repeat the process.

That's pretty much it. I'm hoping to wake up alone and REMAIN alone until I call Miri back or she gets triggered awake after a satisfying amount of time being inactive (not aware of anything, not just 'not thinking').


As for our typical fronting issues. She tried to grab a figure in our room and put it somewhere else. I don't recall exactly what happened but it totally felt like it was me all the time, but at the same time it felt different. Ugh, I should've logged it as it happened, I can't remember the feeling anymore. But I do know that I made us feel really bad and worried. In the evening we went to a park and Miri voluntereed to try to front in public to see if that would make her act normal and not in violent and forced movements.


Nothing, she still acted in an exaggerated way. However, I told her to try and call our dog to see how she sounds after months of not talking herself. She only said one word and it sounded different, like deeper than my voice. I don't know if it was her forcing it to sound like that or it just came out naturally. At least now I know she can still talk normally. Not like I was expecting her to just forget how to do it, but I was worried she'd make weird noises.


Back at home I was dissapointed and sad with the lack of progress and Miri offered to do it again to cheer me up. This time it was slightly different, she was really determined to control the body and started to walk without me having to tell her anything. Just like that, she grabbed the front and walked to the other side of our room, in a 'nothing will stop me' way. The way one would walk when they're really angry and determined to get somewhere. She actually talked mentally for the first time while still fronting, she said 'I'm doing this mostly for you' and then felt like she had reached her limit and I took over. It was like a sprout of energy that sadly, went away. But I'm really happy and proud she offered to try on her own. 


I think we'll go to that park every morning to practice fronting in a more open space while we shift our efforts to switching when at home.



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The first night I got back at it, I was narrating to myself and thinking about stuff as I was falling asleep, and then Miri felt extremely surprised that I was thinking and controlling the body. Out of nowhere, she started thinking and was weirded out that the body was moving. A 'wait...this isn't me!' feeling. My guess is that she went inactive without me noticing and was triggered awake for some reason. The reason she got surprised was because she ''woke up'' to a body that was already thinking and moving. This isn't the first time Miri feels this way. It tends to happen as we go to sleep.


The following nights were normal, nothing interesting happened except on the last one. I'd woken up from a nightmare (I seem to have more nightmares than my host, for some reason) and decided to stay up for 1 hour I believe. After that I went back to sleep and woke up between dreams super confused and disoriented. I'm pretty sure I was the one fronting but I felt like I was someone else and can't recall Miri talking to me (if she did, we can't remember what she said) but I did talk to her about how I was feeling.


Fronting issues


We've been practicing every day. I tried to have Miri front in that park again but I couldn't get her to stay in the front for more than a few seconds. All she did was walk from one place to another and not much progress was made. I still used the strategy of not complying to what she wants me to do but that didn't work quite as expected. It went from 'you're not getting this unless you front' to a normal reward system. Maybe I should try it with things that are more important to her, but who knows if that'll work.


Most days were just do this and do that, but yesterday we did a few experiments. I sat down and tried to leave the front. The first time, I could feel the body falling backwards so I put it into a more comfortable position. I moved my mindvoice to the sides alongside Miri's and it was strange because I'm used to my voice coming from the center and it felt a bit automatic. We lied down in bed and just talked to each other 'outside' the body. Miri fronted and she was more relaxed, which is really good. I guided her and told her what to do. Me talking to her calms her a lot and I'm hoping to be able to keep a conversation with her while she fronts.

A while after that, I was watching videos on YouTube when Miri dissociated from what I was doing and panicked when she felt like she didn't exist despite still being aware. I calmed her down and it went away really quickly. I suspect this feeling came from the fronting session from before.



Today was....weird. I tried to talk to her while fronting again. I asked her to make a sandwich and had to tell her everything: 'close this door', 'go to your right', 'open the fridge' etc...because otherwise she doesn't pay attention to anything but the way she moves. It was like I was ''piloting'' her and felt very weird. When I tell her to do something, it was like the body did it automatically instead of Miri.


She has trouble doing anything (at the moment) without a guide telling her what to do all the time. When I front, my behavior is normal and the body's actions reflect a conscious being behind them. When Miri does...it doesn't. The body acts like it is on autopilot, but worse. Walking to the desktop and just dropping whatever the body was holding, without thinking about how fragile the thing in question might be...Most people, even when on autopilot, would've thought twice before doing that. It doesn't look to me like the actions someone conscious would normally do. And that was just an example.


From Miri's perspective, it was like she didn't have to think about anything, since it was me doing all the thinking. She would forget where she'd put something until I said 'it's in the table behind you'. It's hard to explain but since it was me the one guiding her, she wasn't really paying attention to anything, just doing whatever I said.


We tried this again in the night, but we couldn't get to that state. It went back to feeling like it was me. I think that Miri needs to be in the front for more than a few seconds for it to feel like I actually stopped fronting. Tomorrow I plan on having her walk for at least 10 minutes while I narrate stuff to her and guide her actions.


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I took us to a lake near the mountains and let Miri front. She walked for a few minutes while I was talking to her about various things and guiding her actions. 'Are you comfortable?', 'do you want to take a break?', 'the body's cold, put on your coat', 'please, stop holding your breath'. She didn't move the body in such an unnatural way but it still felt a bit forced. I tried to visualize myself next to her and grabbed her hands to 'guide' her, but it always vanished after a few seconds and couldn't focus on my form. I kept going back to a body-less voice.



  • Miri alone in the front: unstability and anxiety. Feelings of unsafety. Can't last for more than a few seconds without panicking. Her movements are weird, forced and non-sensical, as if there was no thought behind them.
  • Miri in the body but me guiding her actions: more or less stable. She feels safe. Can last for a few minutes on most days. While emotionless, her movements aren't so ridiculously unnatural.

There were a few moments when I told Miri to take the front and I did it instead, which was really scary and disorienting. Miri taking the front at first feels confusing, I often find myself thinking if she truly did it and it's not me. After a while, it becomes clearer and more stable.



We went for a stroll around the park and had her front to walk around. She did so immediately and I went into 'guide mode'.


Not a single thought from Miri. When I front, I can hear her giving (in tulpish) her opinion about what's going on, but now? nothing, she's completely focused on either the body or me.


She also walks like a robot, completely emotionless. I saw something I thought was funny and wanted to laugh. I swear I could feel the lips slightly moving before Miri stopped it. Any action beyond walking feels foreign to her. I suppose this is because it's easier to physically dissociate when walking, since we naturally feel numb that way, especially when our hands aren't touching anything.


Walking weirdly is a no-no for Miri, or at least that's how it was before. She used to be very self-conscious about the way she acted. Now she doesn't care at all, she'd rather walk like that in front of a group of people than appearing normal, which says a lot.


Anyway, she lasted like 2 minutes again.



Basically the same thing from last day. Went to our park, Miri fronted, acted weird, left the front after 2 minutes, the end. But at least she can bring herself to front, unlike in the beginning of February, when she didn't even want to lift an arm. Of course, she can't do anything beyond walking at the moment, but it's still progress to us. Something I found interesting is that she was shocked when she heard me talking out loud, like she had dissociated from her own voice. Not much else.


We didn't do anything fronting-related the next day, it was me in control all day.



We went on a picnic in the mountains and really wanted Miri to enjoy some fresh air, since she always loved to go there. I stepped aside and let her front. The transition from me to Miri is always messy, for a few seconds it is unclear who's fronting and she always violently shaked the body which is really uncomfortable. Anyway, we talked about how it felt for her and if she was comfortable. Thanks to me being constantly talking to her, she managed to front for more than 3 minutes. Every time Miri fronts for more than 2 minutes, I feel super weird and need to open/close my palms to feel comfortable upon regaining control. At this point it's unnatural for me to not being fronting.


I also noticed that Miri has trouble talking to us in mindvoice while she's fronting. She'd be trying to say something, and before she can finish, something seems to stop her from finishing. It's not laziness or forgetting, it's more like a 'force' that makes her shut up, it felt like she was trying to think but something kept making her go blank. I told her to just think in tulpish. This doesn't happen to me at all and I have the theory it is caused by Miri not being used to think from the front. There's a big difference between our ways of thinking. When I do, there's a lot of processes behind it, like the brain is turning the gears. But when Miri does, it is mostly in concepts/images and when she does use her mindvoice, it feels very automatic, with little pre-thought.



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I can't remember if we did something fronting related this day. If we did, nothing interesting must've happened because I didn't log it anywhere.



Miri fronted for a while in the morning and it was super weird, like we didn't know who was who. Just walking home from school feels like it's never going to end (oh and by that I mean like two streets, not the whole way back). Miri can't let her mind wander because then she'll probably lose the front, so she has to pay attention to the body all the time and I need to be talking or otherwise anxiety kicks in, it's messy.


After that we stopped and felt really crappy, like, was I really myself? I needed to be sure. The transition from Miri to me was bad, I can't remember it very well but it was like I stopped for a moment and couldn't get back control. I don't know what was that but I don't want it to repeat. In the evening it was better, we didn't feel so bad and Miri fronted peacefully. She didn't do much though.



We agreed on having Miri walk home with my friend. We went to the bathroom and made the transition from me to her there since I didn't want to do it in public given what happened the day before. Anyway, Miri was feeling dizzy and very depersonalized, since she was fronting surrounded by people and interacting with my friend, when usually it is just her walking around in a quiet place. I guess she felt vulnerable and weirded out she was actually the one interacting with people.


I wanted her to practice talking but she remained completely quiet and emotionless. I can't believe my friend didn't notice anything, it was too obvious. Suddenly 'I' was acting cold and didn't talk at all while minutes before I was joking and laughing with her. The way of talking was also cold and dull, 'Mhm, yeah', 'so, how are things going?,  'ah, okay'.


Miri couldn't go on anymore and I took over. Suddenly the body was acting like a conscious human being again, showing emotion. Later in the evening, she fronted again to make dinner and I had to instruct her on what to do. She kept forgetting to turn the lights off or left the fridge open. If I don't tell her to do it (or autopilot kicks in), she won't do anything. I noticed the body felt the urge to do something but it didn't act on it. Like seeing our dog and wanting to call her, Miri just supress it before the body can do anything.


At night, I woke up and lifted my arm up in the air to scratch my hand because it was feeling numb and I always tend to look at my hands in the middle of the night anyway. Well, Miri woke up seconds after that, when the body was already moving. Memories from when Miri is *supposedly* inactive, tend to feel foggy and sometimes I can't remember much.



In the morning, same thing. Miri tried to talk to my friend and came off as weird and distant, walked for a while and then messy transition that left us disoriented and a bit scared and finally, spent the rest of the way back wondering why the hell it suddenly feels so crappy to go from Miri to me.


We went for a walk around the city and went to Miri's old school because of nostalgia and such. I asked her if she wanted to front there but she managed to procrastinate it and ended up taking the front somewhere else. She walked for a while while I narrated to her, the usual. But then I wanted her to buy us dinner and interact with people. We went to the mall and Miri was...sort of mentally dissociated? like, it felt like I was talking to a wall instead of a person, it made me a bit worried. It felt surreal, the vision was getting blurred and everything was smoother. When she was talking to the cashier, she felt like she was going to fall or faint and grabbed onto the shelves. Nothing happened of course, these things never escalate into anything, and I'd have just taken control if she truly faded out. So yeah, interacting with people seem to cause her to dissociate but I don't want to use it to switch.


Oh yeah, a little doodle I made of us a few days ago:




I'm the one with the blue jumper by the way.


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