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Miri and Miichu's Journey


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I gueeeess I feel a bit better physically, neck is a bit stiffy still but I am not in constant agony anymore. Mentally... well idk, we're constantly dissociating and I hate it. Identity dissociation is the only good dissociation we have, 'Oh I am Miri now, but I trust Miri so it's ok' instead of 'aw shit I lost control of the body and talked non sense, humilliating myself', derealization and depersonalization both suck ass. We've been doing a lot of trauma work in therapy recently so maybe that's why we feel extra dissociated lately.

 

We officially gave up on trying to switch out Miri, we thought that maybe the reason she doesn't 'black out' is because we have way too good communication (???). Because we sure as heck blacked out when this thing from entries ago switched in. If to switch I need to put up some dumb barriers between me and my host then hah, miss me with that. Sure, there are systems who can switch out and have good communication but idk.

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What a crazy week we've had with dissociation, we've experienced some concerning stuff that left us 'maybe we're DID after all and tupper.info folks were right' (looking at you, Ido), including blacking out and finding items in different places. Therapist seems to agree with what we've told her, talked a bit about the controversy surrounding it and she still sees us as different ''parts''.

 

It feels weird because it's not 'damn, Miri has DID and I am part of it' but 'oh no, we both have it' so if we ened up having, we're together on that one. Therapist wants to treat Miri and personally talk to her, literally tried to trigger her to the front during therapy, to no avail.

 

In the evening, however, I tried to have Miri imagine her in first person in the front. To our surprise, she ended up fronting without realizing, to which she gasped and left the front ASAP, BUT now we know what works for us. Back to the days of trying to have Miri front, yeah?

 

I don't think this is a progress report anymore, literally left tulpamancy activities like imposition, I doubt we should tamper with subjective reality.

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5 hours ago, Mirichu said:

'maybe we're DID after all and tupper.info folks were right' (looking at you, Ido)

Present!

 

Spoiler

1634604754_Itoldyoudog.thumb.jpg.c32af7b8f257d6ccd5b8578f41a48c10.jpg 

 

over 9000h in GIMP

 

Super Girls don't cry

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I think I am not holding the front properly most of the time. I left the front and suddenly I regained my old personality, so my current one is just a mix between me and whatever default personality Miri built on autopilot. In a way, it's like there's a third person that goes by body's name, and depending on who's fronting, they can be more like Mirichu or more like Miri. Or maybe this is what happens when Miri and I co-front all the time, personalities get mixed.

 

Whatever, she fronted for a few seconds and it was confusing as heck. Miri was pretty scared and so was I because we didn't know who was who.

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I think we're gonna take a break from all tulpa stuff including tulpa.info. Things were really bad after finding out about trauma and playing with dissociation, this past days we haven't been focusing on tulpa stuff that much and we haven't dissociated as frequently as we did last week, which is a huge relief. I think something that changed was our perception of dissociation, before, it used to be a 'hey, we're switching!' signal, now it has become a reminder of underlying issues and sometimes ngl, it can feel like I am dying, which makes me dread it a lot. I don't want to have anything to do with dissociation, I don't want to play with that anymore.

 

Not gonna lie but after suspecting DID, we lurked the subreddit and searched a lot, so we're taking a break from that too, well, no, not a break, we're stopping doing that forever, I want nothing to do with it. It's all so toxic, we got lots of dissociation when we were thinking about stuff like trauma and the like. We still need to do trauma work but it's useless to worry about the past, we just need to process it. I still don't know if calling myself tulpa, alter sounds iffy still because denial and what if it's just glorified tulpamancy , so headmate it is. Akai surely seems more tulpa than me, she never came with traumatic memories or became stuck. Blah whatever.

 

I don't think being plural is bad for us, we benefit from it a lot, it's just... the whole switching, imposition, etc... Miri and I are good co-fronting, we stopped pursuing blacking out or whatever long ago, are we really 'switching' when we both are fronting all the time? and imposition, I am gonna be honest, we wanted to hallucinate whole wonderlands, we wanted to make a virtual reality thingy, Bre made it sound possible, but playing like that with subjective reality, for us would've been catastrophic. Is that what someone who used to believe reality was fake needs? 😂

 

On the other hand, Miri is showing interest in stuff beyond 'I am happy if you are, Miichu', she wants to play Pokémon herself, haha. She wants to exist and do stuff on her own, so that's amazing.

 

Anyway... I don't think we'll disappear from .info forever, just until we've mentally healed a bit, it's nothing against the community, just tulpamancy and the crazy dissociation it caused us. And we also need to work on moving out, filling out stuff, studying the language, etc... so we'll be really busy anyway. It's time for us to move on and get the life we want, instead of living under our parents' wings like we did all our life.

 

That's like my favorite song and heavily associated with starting anew.

 

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Good luck with everything, I hope you all take care and you can heal during your break. It's good to focus on your mental health and life stuff, we wish you the best!

Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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