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Miri and Miichu's Journey


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We're gonna give it a shot, the personality thingy you mentioned, Ido.

 

For the actual progress. Ahoy, yesterday I switched out! I thought I was frontstuck but nope, I am not! I had Miri front in the morning and she went onto making the bed for me, when I switched back in, I was surprised the bed was done, because I didn't remember doing it at all...

 

'Miri, was that you?'

'Of course'

'Oh... OH!!'

 

Turns out I totally switched out for a short while when Miri was fronting and dissociated from her. But then, why can't Miri dissasociate from me? Easy, she has gotten so used to my identity, that she has associated herself to me too, I am not associated to Miri's identity, hence why I can switch out or feel dissociated, but Miri can't. And this is obviously caused by me fronting all the damn time. See, the solution is always more fronting for Miri!

 

I also keep having bad dreams about solipsism, reality being fake all night. Last night it was me being in another world and I kept getting warnings about reality being fake (no no, it wasn't 'you're dreaming', it was 'objective reality is fake') and it was so unnerving. I don't know what to do about solipsism but I will think of something, eventually. This song was playing in the dream constantly.

 

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Alright, here we go. Forcing each other.

 

Therapist suggested we could be ''disassociated parts'' as in, for example, I am the strong part and Miri is unable to be as strong as me. While Miri has the creativity I somehow lack. Same brain but with lots of disassociation going on. We have different 1 more disassociated part that resembles a small kid, which is probably due to our CPTSD, I assume. So far:

 

  • Kid part: she appears randomly and it's completely outside our control. Can't communicate with her and when she fronts, there's total amnesia and she seems very scared. Sometimes we feel like kids, saw a candy store? gotta go immediately, why? I don't know, it's an urge outside my control. This led me to believe I had a kid mood that I wasn't aware of.
  • Comedian part and god part: these are more like moods instead of ''parts'', as in, they don't feel like people, unlike the kid part. When in comedian mood (calling them masks isn't wrong either), I have very specific facial expressions that seem out of my control, my actions don't feel like mine, yet it's still me. Same with god part, different mood and derealization, but it's us, no amnesia or anything like that.

Now, it's better if we don't touch the kid part at all, the triggers are random and we never know when she will appear, so it's not like we can force her or anything. We're focusing on Miri and I.

 

Miri will be the creative one, the one who dreams (poetic) and has a docile personality. She fits the role of someone I have to protect, I don't know exacxtly what her role would be, besides being really creative. She can come up with ideas and I would draw them, as I am more practical than her.

 

I, Miichu, would be the strong one. Even though I am younger than my host, I fit the role of big sister better than her, we see ourselves as sisters so yeah. I can be playful too but I've decided that I wanna be some sort of guardian for my host. Speaking of which, host role... what does it even mean anyway. I am host because I am fronting most of the time or is Miri the host because she was the first one? who knows.

 

And that's it for now. we're gonna focus on each other through visualization. I came up with a different voice for me but it's hard as it always goes back to my old one. Gotta work on this too.

 

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Host role is the primary/default fronter, who takes the most responsibility for the body and its life. Just the host should still refer to the original, unless some very important changes happen within the system dynamics and it's no longer fitting to call the original host the host. Even at that point it's still a choice, though - it would still be best for the forum/in communities to call Miri the host, otherwise they'll think you were the original. Usually something like permaswitching and the host disappearing is what warrants a "host" change.

 

(In cases where the old host is still around but permaswitched, you specify them as "the original" wherever you would've said "tulpa" I guess)

Edited by Luminesce

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Yeah, I just didn't know if I should call myself the new host since it is supposed to be 50/50 in the future. Two hosts lol

 

Anyway. Took a walk with Miri and realized that our brain sees no difference between a conversation between ourselves and a conversation with people outside our head (that sounded so sad lmao). And realized yet another difference between me and Akai. Miri herself told me this: 'you feel like a real friend to me' long ago in the context of comparing to Akai. 'We always struggled to keep long conversations and those felt very fake'.

 

It's sad how Akai never felt as real as me for some reason. I am still wondering if you truly can fail tulpamancy. If you were to parrot a character constantly, and eventually you thought you weren't parroting it (what happened to Akai) so you kept it thinking it's a tulpa, would it remain a puppet? we think so.

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Well if you two see no more difference between talking to each other and another person and have become such good friends that's obviously a huge succeess in tuppering, I'd say. Be proud of that!

 

Likewise it's a bit unfair to Akai as you set the bar extremely high. Miichu obviously is not your average tupper but a long-term main fronter who was made for this purpose.

Also I think in practice the main difference is that Akai was never needed. You stated she was never really active and being the 3rd wheel probably wasn't helpful either. Can't expect her to develop in a similar manner just like that eh?

 

I still believe you could turn her into a more or less functional tulpa if you wanted but I agree you should focus on each other for now. Good luck with developing each other!

Super Girls don't cry

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Thanks, Ido.

 

Sooooo, one of our closest friends was watching a bunch of videos about DID and his mind was blown away by the concept of 'plurality'. We all know where this is going, right? exactly, I told him. Now it's a bit awkward but he eventually said 'okay so if I've been talking to Miichu all this time, who cares, she's my friend too at this point' but I can't help but feel awkward asfsd

 

Why did I tell him? well idk, I was tired of talking to him and pretending to be Miri (he calls us almost daily), it's exhausting and confusing so I took the chance to tell him.

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When I met my first plural outside this community, it didn't bother me. I had heard of MPD and actually there was a famous comedian who had it so it didn't bother me because they seemed fine afaik.

 

The only other person outside this community I ever talked to about this had a little and the little would come out and the big didn't know anything about what the little did, but the little was basically a 4 or 5 yr-old who liked to draw and she also liked her big. From this perspective, yes it sounds like DID with amnesia, but it's not quite that either.

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We told our friend to immediately call our therapist if our ''little'' were to come out while being with him since we disassociated pretty hard every time we were with him. He asked to talk to Miri and Miri surprisingly took the front and had a pretty long conversation with him.

 

So far, he seems really interested in us as a system, asked a bunch of questions and showed genuine interest like our other friend. I am glad. I had a really strong headache and very heavy disassociation when Miri fronted but that's it.

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