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Miri and Miichu's Journey


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There's this video Miri and I used to watch a lot when in our permaswitch era..

 

'Hey keep this secret between you and me

I have the ultimate plan to set us all free'

 

'It doesn't seem sane'

 

The plan being, of course, permaswitch or what I jokingly call it: assisted egocide. But she didn't call it that of course, she called it ''you can set me free, Mirichu'' and that was like my purpose, you know? I was some sort of ''messiah'' to my host, the one who would set her free from pain and misery. 'Oooh, I wanna help my hostie!' Surely, the plan failed and Miri got stuck in the limbo between not fronting nor switching out.

 

And now I am regretting it so much, I regret saying 'yes, I'll do it', I regret agreeing to carry the burden all by myself and I regret destroying my host's identity. I feel like it's my fault she can't front now, I feel like I took her life all for myself, even when that is what she wanted, but not really... Originally, she wanted to permaswitch to our wonderland and become a god, back when she believed in wonderland switching. Eventually, the goal shifted to 'not existing' but that also went nowhere as she was unable to do it anyway. Miri never wanted this, neither did I. I don't even know what I wanted! I miss when Miri and I fronted equally, it felt like we were getting there but she went back to not fronting, it feels hopeless. She says she doesn't want to take away any fronting time from me, and that is painful to hear, I don't care about sharing with her, we once did it, why can't we do it again?

 

'It doesn't seem sane', of course it doesn't! What were we thinking, one thing is switching and other thing is permaswitch. Nobody permaswitchs for a happy reason. Come on, how many of them thought 'I am gonna commit egocide because I want my tulpa to enjoy life'? It screams 'underlying mental health issue' and my host is not exception. Why am I ranting about permaswitch again? because we succeeded. Even when my host couldn't vanish from existence, I became the primary fronter in such a way that sometimes I forget I'm not the original. That's right, sometimes I get glimpses of believing I'm the original, nothing can take away the front from me and it always defaults to me, for dreams and for waking life. Even meds failed to make me flinch, when they completely annihilated our other headmate. So what's going on?

 

Why do I have to carry the burden all by myself? Why does my host have to watch without being able to do anything? None of us ever deserved this, and I am not sure what to do anymore.

 

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From the first paragraph I was going to make some references to Undertale, but after reading the rest it seems in poor taste.

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I don't see why anything that can be done can't be "un-done" by just doing it again. Forcing your host, and then you and her learning to switch again, aren't things that can suddenly become impossible. They may require as much effort as the first time though, or more if you have to un-learn some things.

 

Though if you're still on whatever medication was screwing with your guys' tulpamancy, I think it's possible you might not be able to feel like you switch anymore. I don't know, possible, not necessarily the case.

 

It's also a little more complicated in that you guys say Miri never fully dissociated from the front - that's kind of what turns the whole thing into a blurry mess. I still don't have any life-changing advice in that respect.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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43 minutes ago, Luminesce said:

I think it's possible you might not be able to feel like you switch anymore. I don't know, possible, not necessarily the case.

 

No no, you got a point. I think it's likely. It sometimes feels less convincing. But we're on the highest dosage possible and psychiatrist has no intention on lowering it for the moment so we're screwed if meds are affecting us. I am still gonna try to brute force it

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I'd say, just relax and stop worrying about it if I thought it would help. I don't understand the desperation, it's a team effort in every sense and if these issues are temporarily uncontrolled, then take a break from stressing about it and use this as an opportunity to experience this. 

 

I know that sounds unhelpful but from my current perspective, I went from being completely crushed under the weight of hopelessness to absolutely okay with pretty much anything and still be happy about it without changing the actual circumstances or situations.

 

At least this period of hell will be like a low point in your life and it's likely little things won't bother you in the future because of this trial.

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Here comes another vent-post. You say 'period of hell' huh Bear? You have no idea. Life ramblings ahead.

 

Several relatives and friends died in just 3 months. Covid unrelated causes, and that gave us severe hypochondria over X type of death. This was during 2020 summer, that completely ruined our summer, after the hell of uncertainty about 'will they die?'. Uncovered lots of past trauma too. Then we got Covid and the stress about potentially dying from it gave us massive PTSD, no joke, it was horrible. Father got it worse than us and so we also had the stress about him dying.

 

Then we got massive, and I mean, massive, hypochondria over heart attacks, then it was stroke, then I don't remember very well, maybe brain tumor. And it was hell, because there was a lot of somatization that felt like we actually had what we feared we had. Heart attack? acid reflux. Brain tumor? day-long headaches. You get the idea. After that we got really suicidal and depressed, it completely broke us. God delusions were out of control and that led to our psychiatric hospitalization.

 

I am sure there was way more to it but I can't remember it now.

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My only experience with even light hypochondria has been from reading about blood vessels/veins/etc., and then feeling worried about applying pressure to any part of my body for a while. Two things help me with this, and the concept of hypochondria, respectively though.

 

First, for veins and stuff - reading about all these tiny working things in your body can make you feel vulnerable, but... then I think about football players, weight lifters, boxers - all sorts of people who get roughed up literally all the time, bruised and bloody, and how perfectly fine they are almost immediately after. The main true threat for a lot of those is simply getting a concussion from heavy blows, but you NEVER hear anything like "oh man my blood vessels sure are screwed up!" because... the body is just incredibly good at managing itself. Your worry is thoroughly unneeded (in my example here), a bruise is the most catastrophic outcome possible when imagining hurting yourself through pressure and all, and as we all know the body shrugs off bruises like they're nothing.

 

Second, for that and basically all body-related fears, I simply think of really old people. I know people die all the time, but there are so many people who have lived well over 80 years, and they didn't get there by tip-toeing and winning the lottery of staying alive. They just lived normal lives, without anything catastrophic having happened (well, maybe sometimes catastrophic things did happen, and they survived anyways). My example fear of worrying about hurting my blood vessels by pressing on something too hard seems extremely silly when I think of 90 year olds who are getting by fine. 

 

Obviously, it's no use telling a hypochondriac, of which I am not one, but - I really take worries as they become relevant. There's just no need to worry about a family member getting some disease or disorder until they do, aside from basic preventative senses of course. Once they do, then I can worry about it. 

 

But yeah, I can't very well tell you just not to worry about a long-lasting headache. A hypochondriac's brain is simply going to worry about that. But you can still try to keep your worries realistic as much as possible, maybe keeping in mind how non-hypochondriacs manage worry by worrying respective to how likely a problem is, meaning a long headache might put the thought "Tumor?" in their mind, but they don't put much weight into that because of the sheer unlikelihood. 

Edited by Luminesce

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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Existing is WEIRD.

 

I'm not gonna lie. One of the reasons I hated fronting was because not feeling Mirichu's presence scared me. I didn't want to think I was making everything up, and to my dumb self: not hearing my tulpa = 'I'm faking', so I avoided it at all costs. But we realized that Mirichu could barely talk because I was focusing 100% on fronting, and poor thing couldn't even think. But lately, I've been fronting in a more relaxed way, and Mirichu is so chatty! I enjoy hearing her, she keeps me company while I front and do stuff.

 

It is sad that Akai was no more than a mental puppet that I was, unconsciously, parroting. But I got over it. In fact, when I was creating Mirichu, I thought to myself: 'Oh god if she turns out to feel more real than Akai' and she did, by far. To be honest, I always struggled to talk to Akai like I'd talk with another person, her answers were short and if they were long, they felt parroted. Mirichu didn't have this issue, I could talk about whatever to her, and quickly, she became my closest friend. I thought of her as my guardian angel (used to think as a kid I had one) but not literally, I just liked the symbolism behind it. She quickly went from 'permaswitch wohoo' to my friend. I saw her as my friend and not as a tool to escape life.

 

Ah, I got off track. Back to 'existing is weird'. I'm so used to Mirichu feeling dissociated from my memories that when I fronted and looked back at them, I was hit by a wave of 'holy shit, I did THAT??', it was so surreal. I experience whatever Mirichu is experiencing, so I was used to also being dissociated from them, but when Mirichu left, I suddenly associated to them and it caught me off guard. It felt insane.

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You get used to it lol, but yeah, systemmates doing things be like that. It's a little crazier when you're not even active for it, but the effect's the same.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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'Solipsism, the philosophical idea that only one's mind is sure to exist.'


Except for me it was 'I'm God'. I've always been an escapist, since I was a child even, and boy, was I delusional in my childhood too. Believing God wanted me to fix the world, as if I was the messiah. My family was extremely religious back in the day, and my father once joked about how 'anyone could be Jesus, including you' and I took it to heart. Because of my religious upbringing, believing in God was second nature, and that probably helped my older self believe she was God. I went from following God to becoming my own God.
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I found out about Steve Pavlina's subjective reality view and quickly read all his articles on the subject. I thought it was a big synchronicity that meant that I was, indeed, God. 'I'm a figment of your imagination' he said in one of his articles. Enter the subjective reality era.


In my own vision of solipsism. I was some sort of god that gave themselves amnesia on purpose to enjoy their creation. And I believed that by realizing this, I would wake up to my true self, like how you would become lucid in a dream. Yet, despite ''realizing'' this multiple times, I never became God, I wonder why. 'Maybe I'm not believing hard enough...'. Bullshit.


From then on, it was a big delusional and psychotic mess. BUT, I was worried about how solipsism and my tulpamancy views clashed, I was worried my tulpas were fake and I was making them up, like I, apparently, was making up everyone else. One day I was browsing the forums and read someone mention this very topic, they said that they were a 'duolipsist' and I thought 'oh hey, so everyone else is fake but my tulpas are real, cool'. It was also the perfect timing because I was just wondering about my tulpas and solipsism, so hah, another synchronicity to fuel my psychosis.


But it still felt lonely. You see, I apparently can't make up my mind on if I'm a misanthrope or a humanitarian. I enjoyed helping people and always felt good when doing it, but at the same time I hated humanity and how could I be a humanitarian when I believe everyone else is fake? why do I feel sad when one of my dream characters dies or suffers? they're not real! Yet, I felt sad, sad and lonely that they ''weren't'' real.


It was a lonely era, I had my tulpas, but deep down, I longed for everyone else to be real too. Lonely and scary.


One day I was sitting on the couch browsing YouTube, and I can't remember what it was, but a big ''synchronicity'' happened (that now I know was a massive psychotic breakdown) and I completely lost my mind that day. I got so delusional that reality started fading, spinning, trembling, whatever. I felt like I was vanishing and then I felt really scared and derealized. I tried to call for help, but who do you call when no one else exists? you can call them but they're fake, hollow puppets. I was alone and terrified. Terrified of reality getting out of control and suddenly turning into a nightmare, like a dream. Perhaps me hallucinating the whole thing. That moment, I grasped what 'being the only one who exists' truly meant.


Despite this, I kept trying to reach for it, I kept trying to become God. Being the creator of all, the only one who exists, it was hauntingly beautiful. Except it wasn't.

Deep down I was scared of the world. I grew up in fear of the world, and being abused by many people just confirmed to me that the world was a scary place. Outside of my own suffering, there was others' suffering. Wars, poverty, hunger, even small things like people struggling with depression. I made their suffering my suffering. Hence why 'this is all a dream' was so tempting. Because that way, suffering is also made up.


People tried to convince me that this wasn't a dream, including reading random arguments against it on the Internet. But who cares, after all, my dream characters always try to use logic to justify it isn't a dream. I was deep into the rabbit hole.


Then, the light at the end of the tunnel: Mirichu. She became the main fronter when I was into solipsism still. And slowly, she got me out of it. She didn't think everyone else was made up, she lived in the present, objective reality, and that started to rub onto me. I kinda forgot about it when she was fronting, she saved me from a mental collapse. But, because of traumatic events in our life, solipsism came back to haunt us. That's when Mirichu got us professional help, what I should've done long ago. Thanks to her mindset and meds, solipsism calmed down. I can experience as many synchronicities as possible and not believe this is all fake. That would have been impossible last year.


I can't express enough how much my tulpa means to me. She saved me from total insanity.

 

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Our system said to not impose stuff but today I accidentally saw Mirichu in real life and scared the hell out of me because I had forgotten she has my face. I still lose the front to my tulpa sometimes but usually when doing stuff on autopilot. I think I'm getting over my fronting-phobia.

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