Miri and Miichu's Journey

[Guest]

No matter how many times I look at it, switching for us seems to boil down to the combination of Miri being quiet + me focusing on myself, since she's still mentally active. We hear people telling us that not thinking = being inactive. But if that's the case, then why are there hosts who don't seem to be able to switch out despite the tulpa being the one doing all the thinking? It is true that the more I focus on myself, the fainter Miri feels, but it barely gets to the point where she actually switches out. I wondered what would happen if I did this for 1 month, not letting Miri think and constantly doing things related to me.

 

Our current situation is:

• I'm the default fronter. For anything, the brain will always default to me, even if what I am going to do is more of a host thing. There are times where I feel less like myself but it never goes back to Miri, it's still me the one fronting, just with a weaker feeling of 'Mirichu-ness'.
• Miri is always there, observing. No matter what I do, she's always there 24/7, experiencing the world as if she were me. If I'd been focusing really hard on something, she might feel weaker or more detached, but she's still there.

Our goals for this month are basically:

• Not letting Miri think at all, not a single thought from her. If she does, I'll either think of it as mine or just supress it.
• Narrate to myself a lot, try to not let my thoughts wander for as much as possible.
• Do things specifically associated to me, I'll try to avoid doing anything that has a 'Miri' label on it.
• Shift my focus towards switching. Try everyday and keep it on my mind as main topic.

 

However, I do have my concerns too. One of my fears is that Miri will ''become me'', since when I front, to her it feels like she's me. I want her to stop experiencing, not us becoming one. As for now, we're clearly two different people in the mind, she's like a very active tulpa and I am the host, we talk a lot and so, our identities remain separated. The brain has already forgotten how to act like her when she fronts, what I fear is that if this plan fails, it'll also forget how she used to think too, leading to her basically becoming one with me or an empty canvas. I think this is a fear I need to get rid of because it might prevent me from letting Miri switch out, in fear of losing her, I guess. Maybe it's just paranoia and it doesn't make any sense, who knows.

 

Hope it doesn't have to be 1 month and Miri switches out by the end of the first week, if 1 month has passed but we see results, we'll keep going for as long as necessary.

 

[Guest]

I actually had an interesting dream last night. At some point Akai took over and started fronting in the dream, however, it actually felt like it was her. I didn't feel like myself at all while she was fronting, she freaked out a bit that she was controlling the body, but Akai doesn't dream at all and after she was done, we didn't see her in the rest of our dreams. Which makes me wonder if it was actually her or...? we've been other people in dreams and it always felt like we were still us, this felt different which is why I honestly have no idea if it was her or not.

 

About switching plan

I wanted to finish everything school related between yesterday and today so I could focus 100% on switching, but I wasn't able to so we've decided to finally start tomorrow with the plan from last entry. Ranger told us it would be good if I forced Miri a few minutes a day, in case things go south. He also recommended ignoring Miri's thoughts instead of thinking of them as mine, so that's what I'll do. I'm still a bit anxious over basically suppressing my host for a whole month, I'm not very fond of the idea to be honest, but we feel like there's no other way to finally be able to properly switch.

 

I also think 'what if after we finally make it, Miri decides to just dissapear for days or weeks at a time?' and that makes me sad. I'm well aware my host's original intention was to switch out to her wonderland and leave me running life, but...that's in the past. It felt fair when she was first thinking about my creation, when there was no emotional bonding at all. I'm used to have her by my side all the time and it honestly feels like it's 'us against the world' in a way, it's a very nice feeling of mutual support and teamwork, I don't want that to end, to be honest.

 

Miri: Mirichu would like me to say here that I promise I won't leave even if I end up changing my mind. Not many places to go when it's all confabulation anyway.

 

Yeah, that sounded cheesy but I wanted her to promise me, not much I can do if she ends up changing her mind in the end, and it feels wrong to guilt-trip someone with 'you promised, feel bad!' but Miri told me it was fine and that she'll try her best to not break that promise. And I really need to get 'what if's' and worries aside if we truly want this plan to work. We've also agreed on immediately stopping if Miri starts feeling uncomfortable or too weak.

 

With that off the way, we'll start tomorrow and up until around the middle of May or longer if things are going well. I'll spend my time with Akai instead and get her more active, but main priority is focusing on switching and myself. Our brain should prepare for some intense switching overload.

 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Guest

[Guest]

I don't know what I was thinking when I said I was going to start with the switching plan while still having a lot of work to finish in just a few days. I couldn't focus and Miri didn't feel weak at all. But fortunately, I'm finally done for at least 1 week, which gives me the perfect opening to get things going.

 

Our switching plan will be divided in 3 parts:

• Part 1. This will be some sort of mental overload that will last for 1 week to weaken Miri mentally and get our brain into 'switching mode'. Basically, me shifting 99% of my focus to switching, reading and writing about it all the time. This will also be paired with attempts before falling asleep, but the main priority is not giving Miri any active time by heavily focusing on something else.
• Part 2. A more relaxed version of Part 1. I'll still focus on switching but I'll allow myself to do something else not related to it while I try to get Akai active. Around this point I'll start to have at least 2-3 switching attempts in the middle of the day too, instead of just at night. The main reason why we don't do this from the beginning is because given Miri's current mental activity, she'd probably get hooked up on what I'm doing and back to square 1. At least 2 weeks doing this.
• Part 3. At this point, I think Miri will be weak enough that it'll be easy to switch her out (if she hasn't on her own by this point). The other two parts were more of a warm up, this one will be just me trying to remove her from the front by actively trying and shifting my focus towards Akai to keep myself distracted. This will go on for as long as necessary.

In short: getting host into a very weak mental state while I focus on something else. In theory it should work, but who knows given our luck with this. The main obstacle would be getting past the point where Miri doesn't pay attention to what I am doing. Example: I am reading a thread and I can feel her giving her opinion in tulpish ('oh yeah, that's how it works for us!') which is what I believe could be keeping her from finally going inactive. This is mostly automatic though, so Miri herself can't control it very well, the only way I have of stopping it is by thinking over her. If I can keep up doing this for long enough, it might be able to silence her definitely, which is why focusing on something 24/7 is for, can't allow any opening in the brain for her to think. It's going to be mentally taxing though.

 

I'm also really interested in knowing to what degree Miri is influencing me without wanting to. Ie: getting past a store and feeling the urge to buy something I'm not even interested in but Miri is. When Miri is quiet in the mind I feel much more like myself, since there's not mixed thoughts. I won't be surprised if I find that she had way too much influence over me, indirectly.

 

Tonight's method.

Okay I don't want to waste time so I'll start with a switching attempt tonight. It basically consists on me waking up in the middle of the night, getting our mind a bit active by reading stuff and then sit down in our bed and visualize different scenarios that'd allow us switch (ie: an orb representing our colors swapping places or Miri's slowly fading away) for 30 minutes. After that time has passed, if Miri is still there, she'll tell me or I'll hear her thinking. I...don't know what I'm hoping with this method, I guess if I fall asleep doing this, I might dream about it and somehow it'll happen for real (?), wishful thinking.

[uncannyfellow]

Whoo, looks like you're pulling out all the stops for this! I'm very interested in seeing how this experiment turns out - please keep updating here!

[Guest]

Nighttime.

 

Went to bed around 1am and asked my host to go quiet. After she did, I narrated to myself about different switching methods and how I think it all works. I can't recall her interrupting me at all. At some point I talked about how I disliked the idea of us merging and when I recalled it next morning, host was surprised (while I wasn't) that I had thought about that, which could mean she was inactive by that point. I also tried to feel alone in the front but failed.

 

Woke around 4am and sat down in our bed. I tried to visualize two orbs with our colors, I slowly visualized my orb pushing host's out of the brain and fading away. Then I tried to put my hand in our forehead and ''absorb'' her awareness. My head was hurting so I lied down (big mistake) and kept doing these exercises for a while. At some point I moved my arm and it felt completely alien to Miri, this is a sign she was getting dissociated from the body. The more dissociated the more alien movements feel.

 

I fell asleep in the middle of the exercises and in the dream (it didn't carry on to our dreams, sadly) I was with my host as per usual, but we're not sure who was fronting. Apparently it was me but it felt like it was her and I was just observing and commenting. I know for sure my host was there since the body woke up reacting to stuff only she would react to.

 

Daytime

 

Miri still talked and was active since I still had to eat with our parents, which tends to make me uncomfortable because it's a reminder of 'gotta pretend to be my host' and the brain thinks of it as a Miri-activity, but since she never steals the front, it results in me feeling less like myself and bleh, I hate it. I didn't want to risk my host getting more active so I decided to make her go quiet after eating with them, so we can go the longest amount of time possible without getting interrupted by any Miri-activity (until next day).

 

17/04/2020 4:00pm - I say goodbye to my host and it begins.

 

It's really hard for Miri to not think at all: not using mindvoice? easy peasy. Not thinking at all? that's hard. It's just the first day but it's harder than expected. I wondered 'why is it that when I do something relaxing like drawing or chatting, Miri is able to go quiet?' but I was very wrong, she was never quiet to begin with. She just thought in tulpish and I didn't care that much, but now that I am trying to make her shut up completely, it is clear to me that she barely stopped thinking, it's so hard to keep her thoughts out. I can do it but keeping it for too long is tiring. Walking is the absolute worst because it is basically daydreaming fueling for Miri, pfft. Although I managed to absolutely destroy her thoughts on the spot on a few occasions.

 

I spent the rest of the day reading about switching and trying so hard to keep her silent all the time, failing a lot of them but also succeding every now and then. My head really hurts right now but I guess that's a good sign, now I just have to keep this for a whole week...ouch.

 

Lessons I learned today.

• Do not think about anything that could catch my host's attention.
• Do not listen to any song my host likes.
• Avoid interacting with our family as much as possible.
• Walking = bad.

I'll try the same method as last night and see if something happens. Also, here's a log of every time my host interrupts that I'll update every day to see how long it takes for her to finally shut up.

 

[Guest]

I went to bed narrating to myself as per usual. I fell asleep really quickly and woke up I don't know when, but I knew I should try to switch like I did last night. Yeah, I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I was really tired. Memories of this nigth are hazy though, I know it felt different but the feeling is pretty much gone by now. I just know it felt really similar to one night where I had spent the whole day doing the same thing I am doing now. Sign of progress? placebo? perhaps.

 

Miri didn't interrupt the few times I woke up in the middle of the night, but that's understandable, the brain was tired. Once I woke up in the morning, things were back to normal and Miri was there again, unfortunately.

 

I need to try harder with this. I can't just passively read about the topic while I listen to music that could distract me at any moment. If I want this to work I need to give everything I have, focus so hard that my head feels like exploding at the end of the day. I have a different approach for today.

 

 

See, one of the reasons Miri is so active in the mind is because she spent way too much daydreaming all her life. Two big triggers are: listening to music and walking. It's pretty much an automatic behavior. But if I don't listen to music, I risk getting distracted by external sounds or being alone with my thoughts, which could lead to an opening for Miri to think again. I then remembered how I used to listen to those 'focus videos' and got the idea of re-using that method. It is so boring and monotonous it won't be able to spark any daydreaming while still blocking out external sounds. I'll call it the 'daydream nullifier' hah.

 

But that's not all I want out of listening to it. I'll try to have our brain associate it with switching by listening to it on loop all day while I focus really hard on reading about it. After the association process is done, I'll listen to it during our real switching attempts and while sleeping, to see if it somehow influences our dreams, wishful thinking is strong on this one though.

 

So, today's plan is:

• Focus a lot on the topic, by reading about it and then thinking about what I've just read (yeah, basically like studying) then write down my thoughts.
• If I have to do something else that'd break my streak, like getting food or being with family, narrate to myself to keep other thoughts at bay.
• Listen to that video all day to create mental association.
• At nighttime, try to switch while playing it and then (if first attempt fails) fall asleep with it playing in the background.

I don't know how much it'll take for the brain to create that association but we've had songs that were instantly associated to something else so we'll see, I plan on using it for the rest of the week anyway.

Edited April 18, 2020 by Guest

[Matsuri]

From what I'm reading here, it feels like you have the most problems with random thoughts and associations. It seems like you automatically associate all things that isn't clearly you as Miri. A lot of things could as well be neutral noise in the head that doesn't have to be owned by anyone., but Miri has become so used associating with those kind of thoughts that it's just how the brain sees them in standard. Brain likes being active and think random stuff all the time. I think people used to call this kind of stuff "bodyOS". Head never really shuts up

[Guest]

The problem with us, is that we can, most of the time, tell if someone thought about something or it was just the brain answering on itself, because there's an intention behind it, you can feel someone pulling up the mental image, word, whatever it is. Although I won't deny some of it could be random thoughts and me answering to them as if I were talking to another person. Despite that, I'm still not really sure if every time I start walking, the brain plays something out of habit or because it was Miri doing it, I can tell if the thought had some effort to it, but sometimes it is automatic.

__________________________________________________________________________________

 

Last night was filled with weird dreams in which Miri was with me but Akai was too, I was calling her and I swear at some point it felt like it was actually her and not a dream character. She has been popping up in our dreams more frequently for literally no reason, especially since I began this experiment, despite her being in the same activity level as before. I don't remembery anything from last night, I went to bed and woke up next day with no memory in between, but I do have a feeling I called Akai in the middle of the night.

 

Eeek, I didn't follow my own plan, I didn't even remember to play that video at night. Around late evening I felt really burned out and just wanted to relax so I went on Discord and forum games and passively read about switching. Ouch, I felt really guilty afterwards since I had been complaining about Miri yet I failed myself too. She felt a bit faint in some occasions, but still present at all times. However, her thoughts were easy to stop on the spot after long periods of not talking.

 

I guess today's plan is the same as yesterday, let's see if I don't fail this time.

 

Edit: also, I remembered last night I thought about something and then Miri recalled it out of nowhere and was surprised she didn't see it in real time, so either I managed to accidentally hide my thoughts or she was out.

Edited April 19, 2020 by Guest

[Guest]

What is this? progress? in my progress report?

 

Seems like the mental quarantine I put my host into is actually working. Yesterday, in the late night, I managed to block out all her thoughts. I decided to challenge it and walk on purpose knowing this always triggers daydreams. I got up and walked around the house while paying attention to Miri's thoughts, except that I couldn't see any. I was like 'come on, think so I can stop you', but she really couldn't think at all. I was suppressing her thoughts before they even came up. She tried a lot of times and nothing would come up, she simply couldn't, I was on top on the mind. It also felt like my head was being constricted all the time, nothing like I had felt before.

 

Despite her not being thinking at all, she was still there, observing, dumbed down but observing. Then I thought 'what if I tried to apply the method I use to suppress her thoughts, but for her as a whole?' and I tried to do so once we were relaxed in bed. I visualized her form and then tried to stop it from existing, I don't know how to explain the process since it's basically sheer willpower. As I was doing this, I kept repeating in the mind 'Just relax, you won't notice, let me take care of everything, okay?' for a few minutes. At some point it felt really weird and surreal, as if my host was in the verge of falling unconscious. She stopped feeling my breathing and I tried my darn best to keep this going at all costs. It led to nothing because I fell asleep in the middle of it :' )

 

Anyway, something I still don't understand is what does a switched out host feel like? why would I feel weird because my host is switching out? as far as I am concerned, I'd only notice that my host isn't there after she has switched out, not in the middle of the process. But maybe it feels that way because it's something the body isn't used to do, or maybe it's a gradual process for a person who has been active in the front for years, as opposed to someone who goes inactive daily.

 

I am not going to get my hopes up yet, I need to do this for a while with consistent results before I can say it's working 100%, but I am still excited lol

Edited April 21, 2020 by Guest

[Guest]

On 4/21/2020 at 1:02 PM, Mirichu said:

What is this? progress? in my progress report?

Soooo, this was a one day thing, wasn't it?

 

Rule 1 of our system: if something that might scream 'progress!' happens, it'll happen once and never again. Ouch.

 

Yesterday I decided to go outside for the first time in forever to walk the dog and see if I could focus on myself. At first it was okay since I was focusing on the enviroment and all, but then the brain decided to mess with me. I kept getting memories of Miri's childhood every single time I saw something slightly related to them. The park? oh, here's a memory of when Miri hid behind the slide with a friend. That bench over there? yeah, that's where Miri decided to play Pokémon using the neighbor's wifi.

 

It was like everything triggered a random memory from the past, but they weren't bad memories, just mundane or even pleasant stuff. But despite of this, it felt intrusive. It wasn't Miri going 'aw, I remember this', she wasn't doing anything herself. It was the brain triggering them automatically, and it hasn't happened before, not like this. I came up with two theories:

 

A) Miri was getting weaker and more fainter, and the brain desperately tried to keep her in place by recalling her memories. For whatever reason.

 

B) The brain simply wants to go back to better times. We've been both associating with Miri's childhood recently a lot (and in my case, with 2019 too, since that's when I was happier) especially since the Coronavirus thing started.

 

Anyway, it bothered me because it's like the brain thinks only Miri's memories matter. I can make memories too, so I'd appreciate next time this happens, it's my memories and not hers. Also, the night before that, I kept having dreams from my host's perspective, yet it was me. It was like the brain tried to run Miri on me.

 

Experiment progress

I've decided to keep doing the Part 1 of the plan for longer. We need more time for it to work. But depiste Miri getting more silent, I can still feel her thinking in the background, very faintly, just feelings. So I don't know what the approach will be.

Edited April 24, 2020 by Guest