Miri and Miichu's Journey

[Ranger]

Feeling like a summer was wasted switching practice sucks. I know the feeling of being held back and trying new things too.

 

I believe taking care of yourselves is most important. Practicing switching is good, but it's exhausting. Don't feel shame wanting to take a break; Get Akai imposed in a floaty, and have a splashing contest with Miri.

 

I think figuring out what's best for all of you as a system is really good progress, and that at its core is more important than actually being able to switch. Unresolved, it can be a huge barrier.

 

Hang in there, you guys are doing great.

[Guest]

My co-fronting thing with Miri is weird, like, what the heck is this even. It feels like we're a single thoughtform sometimes, working as a unit but seeing ourselves as 2 people. I even felt 'incomplete' when Miri went completely silent and it was me thinking alone, I felt more like myself and less like myself at the same time. It even gets unnerving sometimes.

 

We once had this weird theory that Miri and I merged long ago without knowing and because we didn't know, we had the expectation of still being two people, so surprise, new Miri headmate that believes she's actually original Miri. And that'd explain why 'Miri' can't switch out at all, because that'd mean me switching out too. We quickly brushed it off as bullshit though, but it lowkey would make sense, or maybe not? Idk.

 

I front all the time, but Miri thinks most of the time too while I am still fronting, and maybe that has caused some sort of 'identity blending' too heavy to undo. Heck, even a lot of the time, when she thinks, she does it under my identity, automatically and accidentally. So it results in 'me' thinking about her stuff. Yeah, identity puree. Or whatever, maybe Miri fronts everytime she gets too active mentally, but since we have this 'Miri can't front' expectation, we never notice and assume it's me. If that were true, then that'd explain why on Earth our host can't vanish from existence.

 

Another thing. So, Miri was always a huge escapist because the world was too heavy to deal with, so she turned to dangerous mindsets like solipsism to protect herself from it. When I became host, I got rid of those mindsets and got a 'gotta deal with it' attitude towards the world. And at first it was fine, but recently it seems like the shadows Miri ran away from are finally catching up with us. All the suffering and past struggles Miri always shrugged off under solipsism and the like instead of slowly let it process and heal, are crashing down on us all at the same time. 'Oh, OH, what do you mean it's not all a DREAM? oh crap, oh crap!'

 

We've had to deal with so much in so little time that we got a panic attack that I 100% believed was a heart attack which just amplified it. I thought it was a just-one-day thingy but we've been having attacks, even if small, since then, which was 1 week ago I think. Dissasociating pretty often and in exchange fearing it which only makes us dissasociate even more often. This is recent but I am anxious over it being a recurrent thing which probably isn't helping.

 

Idk, not in the best place mentally I guess.

[Yakumo]

Hmm, I'd say all of this is relatable and a perfectly natural reaction to an insane and deeply inhumane world. But in the end - Cui bono?

 

I am also someone constantly overthinking stuff and trying to solve the most complex problems that don't actually concern me - hell I'm doing it right now. I know it's hard - especially for intelligent and pondering people who desire to understand how and why exactly things work and want to find perfect solutions but one of the few benefits of getting old is you learn to accept certain stuff you can't change and direct your increasingly limited time and energy towards the important things in your life you can actually influence. I'm still awful at setting my priorities straight but I try. And having a very straightforward no-bullshit utilitarian tulpa helps. We also have our discussions on who's actually fronting, said what or even who's who or was in the past but I think it's entertaining at best. Doesn't matter at all as long as it works, there are more important goals to work on.

 

Also I don't think a healthy dose of escapism and solipsism is bad, it's rather a necessary and very effective coping mechanism. Everyone does it to a certain degree. I mean, facing the world straight on without any deeper personal meaning is - devastating. That's why religions are so popular. In the end they're nothing more than collective escapism. But they help people to deal with the world and share a common dream.

Also as Bear said don't dwell on things you can't change. Don't concern yourself with things you have no control over and which do not benefit you. Especially in difficult times. Use your energy wisely to heal and grow, try to surround yourself with beneficial people and throw anything harmful out of your life. It's not worth dealing with. Ignorance can be a bliss sometimes. In the end you may not be able to save the world but to carve out a niche to live in comfortably with some dear people.

I think this forum is a pretty good self-help group as lots of us are dealing with similar problems. Just remember you're never alone. I think that's the most awesome thing about tulpa-host relations. I'd also feel severely 'incomplete' and pretty vulnerable if Ido wasn't around and interfering with my thinking. And the other way round when sort-of(?) switched. Doesn't matter, works.

 

And lastly, hats-off to bearing the burden of daily life for your host, there are not many tulpas willing and able to do that.

[Guest]

That kinda made us feel better, Yakumo. I've been too harsh on my host's coping mechanism because I saw them as threats to our well being but I myself have some sort of 'symbological' coping mechanism, only difference being that I don't take it literally, I guess.

_________________________________________________________

 

Okay so I found a pattern in our disassociation problem, it happens the most when we're in a place where we wouldn't be able to immediately call for help or relax. The best way I have to explain it is feeling nauseous in class vs at home. At home you can just walk up and throw up in the toilet, but in class, you first gotta tell someone that you're feeling sick, and that makes it feel worse. And so, the places where it happened the most was at our friend's house (it was a bit uncomfortable), we disassociated so hard the two times we went there that we had to simply walk away and go home, then proceed to explain why we did so through the phone.

 

Another pattern is really obvious triggers. The most recent one was a video called 'places you've seen in your dreams' which was a -clearly jokingly- compilation of weird and oddly specific places that I am sure most people have dreamed about (like malls, parks, etc...). It hit jackpot in a few ones and then it kicked in, we started to feel disassociated and derealized 'this is a dream' and panicked for a while before calming down. Basically, anything that toys with 'reality is fake', even if just a joke. When my host was in the solipsistic mindset, she had derealization episodes that were really extreme but she shrugged them off as 'this is just proof that reality is indeed fake' but they were really scary, reality was shaking and turning upside down, literally.

 

On Tuesday we went to our aunt's house for the week since we felt like we needed a break from our stressful environment. It did actually help, we felt pretty alright and chill (except last night, oof) so we could focus on ourselves and clear our minds. After coming back, we were in a 'hey let's try to switch' mood so we sat down in the couch and put on music to block out external noises. I started focusing on getting Miri out of the body (didn't work) but got tired of it and decided to simply focus on...idk really? I was thinking a million things then I simply forgot, I couldn't remember anything of what I had just thought, and Miri didn't even remember if she was there, we simply skipped it. Like when you wake up and instantly forget the dream, it felt just like that, we weren't quite asleep but really relaxed.

 

This happens all the time though, just that it is annoying because I can't tell if we managed to switch or not. Oh but I do remember the brain showing us random memories that we didn't even know existed and it was pretty fun since it was from younger Miri's pov. 'Oh this street has a sex shop thus it's illegal!' and I had to explain to her why having a sex shop doesn't make a street 'illegal' lol might use these for future switching attempst and focus on them if there is nothing else.

 

Okay now more co fronting shenanigans. This evening we were talking to someone and the topic got a bit heated up, so I was quick to jump in and argue like I always do. But instead, Miri decided to be the one doing it and she asked me to proxy her. She felt soooo close to the front, almost like fronting herself very subtly, I felt like her, then like me, then like her again. Identity puree but it felt super wholesome??? Miri handled it so well, she was super mature about it and managed to take away my anxiety and calm us down, by bringing her pov to the front. I felt so safe and comfy simply trusting her and just being guided by her, damn it was such a positive moment, I should've been irritated, annoyed and frustrated, but there was a 'shield' preventing me from experiencing those feelings, I could literally felt them coming before being stopped by Miri's calmess.

 

Will keep playing with co fronting and influence each other and see what we get out of it. I don't know why but I am hopeful somehow that at least something interesting will happen, come on.

[Guest]

I think most of Wednesday and Thursday Miri was really active in the mind, not 'haha daydreaming go brrrr' but in a way that actually felt like we were co-fronting and doing stuff together. Basically, she spent the whole day talking to Matsi through me, I was proxying her all the time but I am pretty sure at some points she was actually fronting and doing stuff because it came out automatically and I genuinely felt disassociated from her. Either that or her influence was way too strong because the brain was confused and didn't know who it was.

 

This caused headaches and tiredness like it always does. On Thursday, she kept talking with her more, and Akai also fronted to talk to her, she was really enthusiastic about it which made me happy. She knows how to handle certain conversations way better, because of emotional detachment. So it was really good for when I start speaking from emotions and let myself get carried away, like a friend giving good advice because they're not emotionally attached to your problem.

 

Anyway, that night I tried to switch her out by listening to music and then 'talking to our brain' about how it should let us switch once and for all. Then the talk turned into a meeting with an imaginary psychologist (I think we were half dreaming at this point) and I told them about our problems. They asked us 'when did you realize you'd been bullied at school?' (???) and then here's the confusing thing: Miri replied, 'it was when I came back home and threw my bag and then daydreamed about how poorly I had been treated' and it shocked us because it was true, none of us remembered (or just hadn't thought about it in ages) and it was like we just got back in time to live those moments again, it truly felt like past Miri, and we thought it was cool. But that's just the normal part, the good part is that Miri was at the front! she woke up fronting on her own for no reason. When she replied that, it was like she just got launched at the front and she panicked because it felt like it was me replying as her, but it was her. Sorry Miri, but that's how the front feels.

 

I truly hope that remembering how the front is supposed to feel, she will have an easier time getting closer to it, for real not just influencing me. Anyway, this morning it was  horrible, I had a really stressful nightmare that left us feeling super crappy and when we woke up, we were all sweaty and I felt different, like empty? not sure but I immediately got up and went straight to the shower, then went on with our day. In the evening, Miri tried to remember the events from this morning and she was super shocked I even took the shower. It's not like she couldn't remember, of course she could, but she felt weirdly detached from it. 'Hold up, you just did that? and I didn't even complain? how...' maybe Miri was half there and couldn't think much when it happened, wishful thinking I guess.

 

Oh, she kept talking to Matsi for a while in the evening and I got the worst headache I've ever gotten in my life. Head was burning and feeling like it was about to explode, and Miri couldn't even keep thinking (she wasn't even fronting, it was just me proxying her) and just wanted to stop and relax.

 

[Guest]

So...we have plenty of stuff to update on I guess. It's complicated, I don't even know what's going on anymore, it's gonna be kinda long..

 

First, a few pages ago, we talked about what we thought to be a ''side effect'' of trying to switch, and that was waking up as 'someone else'. We thought it might be the brain getting confused as to who it was since it fell asleep 'trying to switch' and used it as some sort of switching indicator. But it's been happening frequently and, I don't know how to explain it properly, but we don't think it's a sign of a failed switch anymore.

 

When this happens, ''I'' wake up as a new person, it isn't me at all yet it feels like it was me. There's zero recall of anything, while this lasts, it's like none of us even exist, it's just this empty, blank person in the front. 'Where am I? Who am I? Who is Mirichu, Miri or Akai?' none of that exists, but it's not 'gasp, I can't remember!', more like 'this is fine, I don't think about what I don't remember'. It's certainly not a dream because what this person (or me?) does while ''fronting'' it's still there the next morning. When this happens, the body tends to feel transparent or kind of hollow, I can't describe it.

 

Everytime, this 'new identity or whatever' remains the same, it is a female or feels female and it's like very vulnerable? we've had actual dreams from this thing's POV and it all was about this person being scared of super vulnerable, everytime this thing dreams, we feel like we didn't fall asleep at all. The first night it happened, I was super weirded out because I felt like I had been up all night.

 

Two days ago, I wrote something and decided to read it out loud for English practice, and then Miri noticed, 'hey our voice...isn't it a bit weird, why does it sound different, have you cleared your throat? and why can't you talk?', yes it did sound different and I could barely pronounce, as if we had forgotten how words are supposed to sound like. I then realized, we were dissociated from the body, barely feeling the vocal cords and our voice sounded like it came from outside the body. 'Oh no, gotta ground ourselves quickly' and started drawing, how to say, it felt like 'someone else' was with us at the front. We felt detached from the drawings, like sure it was me feeling it but there was some weird disconnection. Then it simply went away on its own and we went back to normal.

 

That same night, I went to bed talking to our brain (self monologue, brain didn't reply back lel) and then woke up, realizing the window was closed and all the cushions rearranged, and I didn't have the blanket despite it being really cold, I somehow felt warm, or had the idea I was feeling warm. I was weirded out because supposedly it was the first time we woke up. But trying to recall, I realized that no, it was the second. I apparently had woken up and did all that, because I was cold then I was warm. But I didn't feel like it was me, it felt like it was another person, another Mirichu, and I was watching from outside the body.

 

Then after that, fell asleep again and dreamed about being this thing, and she was really scared, she never talks or thinks, it just panics or cries. After I woke from the dream, it still was this thing fronting, and the wind was blowing hard so she covered herself under the blankets and panicked, then -snap- 'What am I doing? I am not even scared of the wind' and I was me again.

 

Last night, I don't know what we were thinking, but we tried to summon or trigger this thing, and nothing happened, we were unable. So I guess this is good as it means that it isn't belief based but we still avoid personifying it so we don't get undesired walk-ins. And today, something really stressful happened and we just wanted to switch out and vanish, we were feeling very dissociated so we again tried to summon it -hey whatever you are, go ahead and take the front- nothing, the only thing was a random mini flashback of some random memory of Miri as a kid with her bike, and that was all, so rip. I tried hard to switch out but nothing, dissociated as heck but still in the front, great. Come on brain, now two front stucks?

 

So yeah, that was a bit long but it's something that intrigues us and we wanna find out what it is, but I guess it has to happen naturally, no idea how to trigger it. Eh I guess for other updates, lots of stressful things going out in our life and I don't even feel like a tulpa anymore, I don't even feel like myself and we're constantly dissociating because of said stress. Also realized that dissociation was always a huge part of our lives and we had no idea because we were under the assumption dissociation was something akin to out of body experiences and was like 'lol no, we don't have that' but turns out we do, be it constantly zoning out, excessive daydreaming and derealization.

 

We also had a 'gasp I cannot believe this' moment not long ago. So, our partner told us about something that reminded us of something Miri used to have as a kid. And that is 'feeling detached of what I am doing', so, when Miri was a kid, she'd often say stuff and then realizing she didn't feel like it was her the one saying it 'hey hold up, that wasn't me, someone else did it' and I have vivid memories of her asking her father if he also experienced it. Then realized that was eerily similar to when I front and Miri suddenly detaches from me. It is the same feeling! She experienced it as a kid a lot, then vanished in her teen years and came back when I started fronting. I don't know how to fit this piece in the big puzzle of switching tho

 

Damn the brain is acting weird, I don't know what happened, like it flipped a switch and everything is upside down. But we've been dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress lately so yeah.

 

[Ido]

>be under severe stress
>already show DID-like symptoms
>push a randomly appearing manifestation of fear to front 'for science'

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[Bear]

Did you have really traumatic events before the age of 12?

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Ido said:

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, nothing went wrong because nothing happened lol It wasn't 'for science', we were stressed, all of us wanted a way out and weren't thinking properly, so the thought popped up.

 

8 hours ago, Bear said:

Did you have really traumatic events before the age of 12?

Yeah, we struggled with denial on this one for a while, because I guess we were super focused on recent trauma that happened in teen years, so we kinda ignored childhood and brushed it off as 'happy'. But tbf, a 5 years old already being sick of the world isn't very normal so I guess, not 'damn mom just died in car crash' levels but 'this sucks, I wish I lived somewhere else' instead.

 

Anyway, you can have trauma and dissociation and still not develop DID, that is unintentional, and our plurality was pretty much intentional.

[Bear]

The only experience I have like this I recognized yesterday because I read your explanation. I had a huge list of things to do and it was like, I only have exactly enough time to do them, it was timed and everything, so I was concentrating on doing them so much that it felt like it wasn't me doing them, I was off in wonderland and dissociated from the stress and rush of these chores so much that I completely forget what I was doing, whether I had done any of them or not and had to concentrate really hard to remember that, yeah I did this and that and my next task is blah blah...

 

This has probably happened many times and I just never thought of it past that, but it reminded me of what you described. In my case it was obvious that BodyOS was doing the things, they weren't particularly difficult and I'd done them countless times, so that's right up it's alley. Interestingly enough, how BodyOS works for me sometimes, I basically had a list of things and the body was checking them off without my input between to such an extent that I had no memory of doing them at all. Just like arriving at the destination without any memory of how you got there. BodyOS doesn't think and it doesn't have memories of what it does, there's no consciousness associated to it, not even 1%. The whole point is that you're 100% dissociated with reality.

 

The difference in your case is that your 'helper' is also a scared little child and that reminded me a little of age regression associated to 'littles.' If this 'helper' isn't thinking or remembering anything, I'd rather blame the BodyOS and it acts purely on conditioning. However, I never felt BodyOS ever have its own emotions. It's absolutely incapable of them and that's how autoreset works, because if I completely leave the front with everyone else, then emotions dissipate, thoughts dissapear and a clean slate is left.