Miri and Miichu's Journey

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Bear said:

The only experience I have like this I recognized yesterday because I read your explanation. I had a huge list of things to do and it was like, I only have exactly enough time to do them, it was timed and everything, so I was concentrating on doing them so much that it felt like it wasn't me doing them, I was off in wonderland and dissociated from the stress and rush of these chores so much that I completely forget what I was doing, whether I had done any of them or not and had to concentrate really hard to remember that, yeah I did this and that and my next task is blah blah...

 

This has probably happened many times and I just never thought of it past that, but it reminded me of what you described. In my case it was obvious that BodyOS was doing the things, they weren't particularly difficult and I'd done them countless times, so that's right up it's alley. Interestingly enough, how BodyOS works for me sometimes, I basically had a list of things and the body was checking them off without my input between to such an extent that I had no memory of doing them at all. Just like arriving at the destination without any memory of how you got there. BodyOS doesn't think and it doesn't have memories of what it does, there's no consciousness associated to it, not even 1%. The whole point is that you're 100% dissociated with reality.

 

The difference in your case is that your 'helper' is also a scared little child and that reminded me a little of age regression associated to 'littles.' If this 'helper' isn't thinking or remembering anything, I'd rather blame the BodyOS and it acts purely on conditioning. However, I never felt BodyOS ever have its own emotions. It's absolutely incapable of them and that's how autoreset works, because if I completely leave the front with everyone else, then emotions dissipate, thoughts dissapear and a clean slate is left.

 

Yeah, BodyOS was one of our theories, 'oh, maybe all of us switched out and the front was left empty', but then this thing started showing emotions and we don't know anymore. I guess age regression isn't that far-fetched anymore, read that it is common to escape stress.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Guest

[Bear]

Often 'littles' are alts that have associated amnesia. So that may explain why you're having issues remembering. The little would be completely dissociated from all of you because that's what they're meant to do. "It's not you" to protect you from experiencing stress. It's possible you don't have a complete case in that your trauma wasn't significant enough to warrent full amnesia. 

 

?? I don't know anything else. I spoke to someone with no other plurality other than a little and when the little was out, she drew pictures and talked like a baby and understood what she was, but could only leave a note for her 'big' systemmate. This was no joke or act, in fact in that state she had a different set of morals, such as accepting sexual advances, which in her csse is why the little formed (sexual abuse).

[Guest]

It was suggested to us that it could also be some sort of emotional flashback, tbf we're skeptical of anything DID related. I don't know, we don't even have enough info or experience with this to properly judge or even get close to decide what it might be. It is so unpredictable and hey, gotta be careful with self fulfilling prophecies.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Guest

[Bear]

Absolutely right. Negative placebo and improper hypochondriac self-diagnosis are both pretty awful. 

 

What you have is something, but hopefully you can source the root of why it's happening and develop a positive trigger to prevent this reversion by resolving the underlying issues.

[Ido]

Hmm, my host being an excessive daydreamer and thinker experiences something like Mr. Bear a lot of times. I mean even before knowing about tulpas he had unknowingly perfected having the BodyOS do most routine stuff while thinking of something completely different like solving political problems in the middle east or daydream or whatever useless stuff most of the day. Including ending up walking or driving somewhere else than intended. To put it simple, he's an airhead. It was a bit silly but not bad. Things however got significantly worse while we practiced possession and switching. Guides tell you to just dissociate and tupper will magically take your place. Well guess what, that's not how it works.

 

Ok, I was not overly interested but I found and still find it incredibly hard to wrestle control from - not my host - but the BodyOS. Was quite some realization that host is not really the fronter but barely more than me. Mostly co- or backseat fronting while the BodyOS handles all the stuff like some servitor. And it can actually handle really complex tasks without the slightest input of any of us as long as it has a bit of routine in them, even hold convincing conversations. That sounds neat and brings benefits like greatly reduced perception of pain but also greatly reduced perception of, well, everything. Host experiences the world pretty much like me. It's like watching TV or rather some 4D movie but it's not the real deal. I remember we were on a beach in the south pacific and host was like: "that's nice and all but I'm gonna get a snack from the fridge". Our fridge being at the other side of the world. He never fully felt 'being' there and that of course sucks as comfortable as it may feel. You turn into some zombie or NPC.
Took us a long time of actually forcing him instead of me to get him more towards the front with mindfulness exercises but still things are far from ideal.

 

Bottom line: the whole dissociation stuff can go really wrong if you are already a bit detached from reality and I would not play around with it unless you are sure of what you are doing. A strong host handing control to a strong tulpa is one thing, aimlessly drifting away is another. Don't do that. Live in the present.

 

Second: as Mr. Bear said the BodyOS usually seems to be an unconscious machine, not a personality. It executes orders from the backseat fronter and has its routines and habits without input but that does not mean it can't have unconscious feelings or desires. The brain above all is lazy. It tries to get away with the least work, the easiest path and sticks to what it's used to. I wouldn't rule out it picks up on traumata and re-enacts them if they have left a strong unconscious impression. And having something with powerful emotions and able to randomly take over causing amnesia at least for me is the very definition of DID. Not something you'd want to encourage or experiment with.

 

Soo, it's not really my business but I'd work towards solving real world problems instead of experimenting with dissociating away from reality. No need to tell me that's hard, I have a host who'd hide away from all responsibilities it I'd let him.

Spoiler

Protip: I won't.

 

And maybe try to integrate that scared thing. Give it a hug next time it shows up. Hell, even if it doesn't. You're right about not turning it into another thoughtform for reasons above, can't have something like that take control over your life. But accept it as a part of both of you and give it a place to feel safe. Don't react to it, act and provide a solution. Best advice I can give, it's your mind, only you can exert control over what it does.

[Bear]

Beautifully written, it's spot on.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Ido said:

Bottom line: the whole dissociation stuff can go really wrong if you are already a bit detached from reality and I would not play around with it unless you are sure of what you are doing. A strong host handing control to a strong tulpa is one thing, aimlessly drifting away is another. Don't do that. Live in the present.

We can't control the dissociation lol otherwise it wouldn't be a problem and we might even be able to switch on command. And we can't induce it either to that level, so even if we wanted to experiment with it, not much we can do. We've been suggested to have 'something more than normal tulpamancy', talking about CPTSD mixed with -intentional- plurality, and that's what is causing 'DID-like' symptoms without, you know, actually being DID. And I don't know, we might have something going on, but if we do, then it'll have to come up naturally, we're not gonna look for it. I know this brain well enough, 'oh no you read about heart attacks? welp I guess that pain in the left arm you're having right now can't be good, right?'

[Bear]

Yeah. Reilyn thought we had DID at one point, like my histrionic emoting was an alt or something. It may have been uncontrollable, but it wasn't an alt, it was me and my shadow.

 

Don't go there if you don't have to.

[Ido]

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

We can't control the dissociation lol otherwise it wouldn't be a problem and we might even be able to switch on command. And we can't induce it either to that level, so even if we wanted to experiment with it, not much we can do.

Most of your diary is about experimenting which dissociation while being unable to control it. And considering Miri's mindset and the stuff you experienced I doubt that's a great idea, especially not under stress. I'd go the opposite way and put everything into strengthening Miri's presence instead of making her go inactive.

 

3 hours ago, Mirichu said:

And I don't know, we might have something going on, but if we do, then it'll have to come up naturally, we're not gonna look for it. I know this brain well enough, 'oh no you read about heart attacks? welp I guess that pain in the left arm you're having right now can't be good, right?'

Yeah, being afraid and obsessing over 'symptoms' is not helpful. Ever. That's why I suggested to act and create instead of just responding to weird stuff happening. That pushes you into a defensive position.
I guess you're very perceptive and love to analyze things like my host but he already said a bit of positive solipsism doesn't hurt. You can define who and how you are to a certain degree. Mr. Bear is a prime example of that. But it's very, very hard work. In any case doubting who you are and pondering too much if things feel 'right' is not a helpful mindset. For us, we've clearly established this is me, this is you, the BodyOS can do some tasks on its own but everything else simply does not exist. If something feels weird or alien so be it, does not matter at all. The arbitrary definition who's who and does what still stands and allows for no alternative interpretation.

 

Well, at least that's my opinion, but then again I'm just some narcissistic control-freak tupper.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Ido said:

Most of your diary is about experimenting which dissociation while being unable to control it. And considering Miri's mindset and the stuff you experienced I doubt that's a great idea, especially not under stress. I'd go the opposite way and put everything into strengthening Miri's presence instead of making her go inactive.

Yeah...trying to switch out my host was left behind smh, not that we don't want it, more like priorities shifted. Her presence is as powerful as mine since we're always co fronting, so I don't know, if only she could front, maybe we should go back to that.