Miri and Miichu's Journey

[Misha]

[Misha] yes, we miss you! ♡  

 

[Ashley] it sounds awfu, feel better soon. 

 

[SheShe] don't push yourself, relax and know that you'll recover fully. 

 

[Bear] Dang, and some idiots here deny that it even exists.

[Guest]

Yeah, people don't like to be inconvenienced, so they deny.

[Ranger]

I'm glad you were able to put some puzzle pieces together! Congratulations!

 

I'm sorry you're sick with Covid, that's awful.

 

You know, I wondered about it with the Felights, and now I'm wondering about it with you guys. Maybe the reason switching isn't working or it took so long to get results is because there's some trauma work that needs to be addressed.

 

I'm not sure why, how, or if this is even on the right track, but it would explain a lot if it turns out to be the case.

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, Ranger said:

You know, I wondered about it with the Felights, and now I'm wondering about it with you guys. Maybe the reason switching isn't working or it took so long to get results is because there's some trauma work that needs to be addressed.

Yup, thought the same exact thing (and about the Felights too, mind you), the fact that Miri had some specific dissociation going on as a kid, then vanished for most of her life and came back when I started fronting was pretty suspicious.

 

[Guest]

Went to the doctor and got diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and a depressive episode. Experienced lots of traumatic events this summer that left us in a state of constant panic/anxiety. Dissociation all the time and multiple daily panic attacks, can't even go to school so I had to email the headmaster and they said that it was okay if I took it online. They gave us a treatment for anxiety and got an appointment with a psychiatrist next week to get directed to whatever psychologist they see fit for us. Kinda been undereating lately because of reflux, so that left us really weak and feeling dizzy. The doctor was really nice and understanding with us and knew how anxious we were about our health, so she had us get lots of tests for heart and blabla, and it all came back perfectly fine. God it feels amazing to go even if just a few minutes, without thinking you're gonna die.

 

Not much on the tulpa front, just that having a headmate think all the time while I control the body, sort of like a puppet, seems to stop panic attacks on the spot but only if they're building up, once out of control, not much we can do, which is most of the time sadly :')

[GrayTheCat]

I was diagnosed with GAD as well, and 2016-2018 was really hard for me.

 

Something I didn't think applied much until now- I always wondered if being "front stuck" was some kind of defense measure for me. I never panicked nearly as much as I could have with all of my headmates because I felt like reality was an anchor I could depend on. So I felt like "This is the body's experience, this is real, I'm safe." While I don't think that's true for all or possibly most anxious tulpamancers, but it's interesting to me there could be a parallel there.

 

At the very least, feeling stressed out is enough to lock up our switching. When Ranger accidentally triggered my fear related to my parents, I couldn't let him switch even when I wanted him too. I think it's different because of your situation, but it could apply to an extent. If it does, it's probably not the whole story, and it's not exactly what Ranger was thinking last time he posted.

 

We were receiving treatment for therapy for awhile, and the end of 2019, after roughly a year's worth of therapy, was when Ranger figured it out (but arguably, we were capable of switching before that by 6 months, still after a significant amount of therapy).

Edited September 29, 2020 by Ranger

[Guest]

Really relieving to hear, Cat. I do wonder if we've always been this anxious and stressed without caring for it and that's why we're so screwed up.

[Guest]

Finally started school and gotta say I got extremely nostalgic, waking up early and all that, brings back good memories cuz school for me is heavily tied to when I was actually happy and first becoming host. I have lots of projects already F, but the month I skipped is justified so I just have to do it on my own pace, dang it Miri and Akai, you told me we'd take turns! but guess who has to do it, correct, me, sighs.

 

And also started therapy and it feels good to be able to be myself and get the damn help we need. We got confirmed what we experienced was indeed childhood abuse and there's no justification, we stopped doubting until our brain decides that our parents never meant ill and we were just being bad kids. 'Just stop being so weak, people have it worse so this automatically means your trauma never happened' - our lovely brain

[Guest]

I just caught myself acting like Miri, her same quirks. And noticed that sometimes I seem to mimick her subconsciously, it's like she's 'fronting but under my identity, still believing we're Mirichu' (hence the impression 'she can't front') or maybe extreme passive influence?

 

Yesterday in therapy, I behaved so much like myself, not a single quirk or anything related to Miri, and it was so noticeable even to us. There was some strong emotional amnesia for Miri afterwards, this amnesia never happens when I 'feel' like Miri, coincidentally. I don't know why it happens, it just does. And it's always school friends or parents, when I am with friends in school, I can feel it, the facial quirks and way of talking Miri had, some 'comical side' that just comes out of nowhere everytime. But when I talked about plurality with my friend, these quirks didn't happen, because I was being myself.

 

With Miri's childhood friend, I don't see these quirks happening either, I behave normal, he even pointed out that 'Miri' felt different, don't know why around certain people and not this guy who was such an important part of Miri's life, shouldn't he be a trigger for Miri instead of the school friends I personally spent a lot of time with? I can't figure out this brain.

 

But then, when Miri purposely gets close to the front, I get headaches and feel dissociated, and that doesn't happen when I 'behave like Miri but still Mirichu', I don't even get very strong emotional amnesia, just a 'hey that was so out of character of me' feeling. Sometimes it also feels like ''I'' suddenly take over and I become myself again. I once talked about how I felt less like myself, because it genuinely feels like most of the time I am just this neutral person who goes by body's name, and sometimes, 'proper me', the me that seems to have been left behind, takes over and my tone of voice, mood and mannerism change and I feel like myself again. So I don't know if I am kinda living on autopilot or constantly sharing control with Miri.

[Misha]

9 hours ago, Mirichu said:

Yesterday in therapy, I behaved so much like myself, not a single quirk or anything related to Miri, and it was so noticeable even to us.

 

9 hours ago, Mirichu said:

So I don't know if I am kinda living on autopilot or constantly sharing control with Miri.

 

[Bear] take this in total, it applies here though it's speaks about posession and switching. It's a copy of something we posted in reddit.

 

Quote

[Misha] This is one of the harder aspects of tulpamancy. For us, Bear was content in proxying us and he didn't care. That attitude removed any anxiety or stress and let it happen naturally. We spent some time on Discord and eventually it was just easier for us to type for ourselves. Later we realized that no one is really doing the typing, it's kind of a BodyOS function after a while.

We did practice switching and we followed the same logic, Proxy-coposession-switch. It took some practice to be sure that Bear was actually switched out, but once he did it was very obvious because we could do things he couldn't do himself. He had a lot of triggers and anxieties and they were preventing him from acting logically. He's lose it. We didn't.

[Bear] that in itself was remarkable, but when I was able to completely dissociate from the body, then I could truly experience a non-corporeal existence. What you actually are is very minimal and lightweight. Pure thought compared to a totality of electro-chemical-physical ownership. When I was able to go dormant, it was very clear that I wasn't the body, and the body actually 'feels' a lot like me, obviously it would since I was associated with it for many years. Funny thing is, when Ashley fronted for a week straight and did some things I never did, *she* trained the body and in those tasks directly afterward the body felt like her.

I believe this is where some people get their thinking stuck in the mode that they can't leave front. It's wrong, you can be completely gone and BodyOS will do things out of habbit even though you're clearly not there. The body is a remarkable trainable built in servator, but it can only do what you train it to do. It is semi-autonomous but does not think on its own.

I hope this puts it in a little perspective.

 

 

[Ashley] When you are fronting while doing things you've never done before, you are training the body, so those things will feel like you even when you do them later. This also explains why you're slowly associating to the BodyOS quirks and they're being more painted with your essence so to speak. It all makes perfect sense to us.

Edited October 15, 2020 by Misha