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Mirichu

Mirichu, Miri and Akai's PR

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We've been keeping an offline Progress Report since last summer but it's mostly mundane, daily life stuff that's really boring to read. It's also filled with personal things and the occasional interesting thing that happens. Since I am now the new host, we'd like to have a new PR that we'll use to pursue all of our goals.

 

In order of apparition:

 

Miri: she's the original host, who stopped fronting at the beginning of November and it's been just me using the body since then. Even though she doesn't front anymore, she's always there and is the second most active member of our system. I often proxy her here.

 

Akai: created in 2015 because Miri wanted something 'out of the ordinary' to escape the monotony of real life. None of us are really sure the exact moment she became sentient because they didn't keep a PR. Akai's era was tulpas-go-to-wonderland era too because they both believed this to be the case and so she thinks of their (our?) wonderland as her actual home instead of the real world. She was basically created there and developed through wonderland adventures.

 

At first she was the most active member besides Miri, but between me fronting all the time and us shifting our efforts towards switching, she eventually became less active. Not to the point of having trouble speaking but definitely not as active as she used to be. We were waiting until we could properly be able to switch to try and get to be more active (since we needed to focus on our attempts) but given we're not there yet but still very close, we've decided to save 1-2 hours each day to do things together.

 

She's a really good and lovable person and always there to listen and help us. She used to be a bit short-tempered but eventually got better. Her form is that of a 20 years old with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail. Her old outfit was similar to that of a Japanese priestess before shifting to casual clothes and also had an actual-fox form that she doesn't use anymore.

 

Both Miri and Akai will get fronting time too, if they want, once we master switching. As for the moment, we want me front 24/7. I'll also proxy them whenever they want.

 

Mirichu: that's me. Somewhere around 2016 Miri obsessed over the idea of permaswitching and made that her main goal. She thought of creating a better version of herself as a replacement to switch with. And so she started creating ''me'' in 2017 but due to personal reasons, I was put into dormancy. She got back at it in 2018 and properly created 'actual me'. I say actual me because long story short, we don't think I'm that Miri anymore. Unlike Akai, I was more of a real-world tulpa, having been created and developed without much use of a wonderland.

 

Miri focused a bit too much on things she really shouldn't and paired with her worries of me getting hurt or ''corrupted'' by real life, which is really ironic given the reason I was created, led to us no making progress at all. Around last summer, I decided that it was enough and forced her to take measures and spent most of the summer changing things around. However, Miri was still worried about me and didn't let me front as much as I was told when I was created. She managed to eventually let go of her worries one by one and I started fronting constantly. As for my personality, I started off as very calm and quiet but later became very talkative and full of energy. My personality changed a lot once I started fronting for extended periods of time. At first it remained similar to how it was before, but as I got more used to my new life as the host, it started to change, not for the better in some cases.

 

I don't use my imaginary form much anymore but as you can guess, both my host and I look the same with the exception that I have shoulder-lenght hair (that I am waiting to get in real life) and sometimes, white angel wings. My name used to be Miri too but my host started calling me Mirichu as an affectionate nickname and I grew fond of it, while not different, it's much better than Mirii or Miri2, which sounds really bad and insulting.

 

New wonderland:

 

Miri and Akai had a wonderland, which was part of some world-building project, based on one of those Japanese houses with sliding doors, surrounded by bamboo, cherry trees, ponds and the like. All Japanese-like. This was the wonderland Akai spent most of her life in and where Miri was planning on going after switching with me, in a parallel universe where this is actually possible. They stopped using it long ago out of laziness and lack of immersion/motivation.

 

Miri wanted to get back to it and made a new wonderland which was, basically, a giant treehouse in a rainforest. Again, it wasn't used that much for the same reasons as the old one. Since now we're trying to make our daydreaming more immersive, we'd thought about making a new-new wonderland that we'll actually use, even if just for practice. We don't know what it'll look like once finished but since the first one was more ''Akai-themed'' and the second one ''Miri-themed'', the third should be ''Mirichu-themed'', in other words, probably a house in the mountains. I don't know yet.

 

What we'd like to accomplish:

 

  • Switching: this is the main priority at the moment. Although Miri is always there, I can front indefinitely without losing the front accidentally even if I'm not focusing on myself (probably because Miri has trained herself to not react to anything) and Miri has gone inactive before. The problem is that she can't do it on command and the few times she managed to go out, it wasn't for too long. Our goal is simple, get the brain to allow her to go inactive or at least dissociated from the body, whenever she wants, like Akai and I can.
  • Visualization and imposition: our visualization isn't bad but since we stopped bothering, it got a bit rusty. We still can picture almost everything we can think of -except realistic faces- but as soon as we stop focusing on it, gone, when before it used to last for a while. Before fully getting into imposition, we'd like to practive visualizing all of us together in our daily life again. As for imposition, it isn't that good. Presence and tactile imposition are really easy for the most part though. We want to be not only be able to impose ourselves but other things too. It'd be really good when interacting with each other and also would allow us to have a really immersive wonderland, which is another goal of ours.
  • Dreaming together: we rarely appeared in Miri's dreams before, when we did it was just a dream version of ourselves and not really us. This changed drastically when I started fronting 24/7. Possession alone didn't make the trick, nor did casual fronting. It took me a few weeks of fronting non-stop before I could have my own dreams. Now I appear in almost all of our dreams and it's often from my own perspective. We'd like to fix this and make Akai dream with us, after switching's done, we'll try to make her appear too. That was for normal dreams but we also want to master lucid dreaming so we can have lots of fun every night together.
  • Fake memories: this isn't really a goal, but something we'd like to experiment with. Miri and Akai used to believe tulpas could go to wonderland (and experience it in the same way you'd experience real life) when inactive. This was one of Miri's main motivations for switching but we don't believe so anymore. Akai used to ''go'' there because of mindset and such and would come back with memories of what she did there. Although they were fake, they felt pretty real to her. We want to experiment and see if we can create these kind of memories on command when one or two of us go inactive. Since the brain can't make complex stories on the spot, we thought about having the main fronter create them and later being ''recalled'' by whoever was inactive. The trick is to make them feel like they happened while knowing they didn't.

 

Some rules we made for our system:

 

I someone needs a break, they can ask for it and someone else will take their place temporary. For that matter, if someone screws up while fronting, it is their responsibility to fix it. This will start applying after we master switching, for reasons.

 

Equality between us. Right now Miri and I are more of less equals, but the brain doesn't seem to see Akai in the same way it sees us. It's obviously a problem with activity, not a problem with Akai herself. This can also be translated into ''if someone isn't as active as the others, make them become more active''.

 

If something is wrong, talk it instead of letting it slide.

 

Important decisions will be made by the three of us. Even though I'm technically the new host of this system, this life is still shared between us.

 

We have developed some sort of ''system'' between us of giving in to each other. If one day I give in to either Miri or Akai for anything, they'll later have to do the same for me when I want something. This'll apply to all of us.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

 

We don't want this PR to be filled with a lot of posts about us failing, so we'll probably update when one of us want to say something, anything interesting happens or we fail differently.

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We believe the main obstacle that's keeping Miri from going inactive (unaware of the world, not just not-thinking) whenever she wants is belief. Our main method in our switching attempts is:

 

  • As I go to sleep, start playing music (noisy family and to know when to stop) and focus on myself, not letting my mind wander. I might say goodnight to Miri and ''put her to sleep'' in our mind as some sort of symbolism to let the brain know that it's time for me to be alone.
  • Stay awhile narrating to myself about whatever is on my mind. I just need to make sure it's always me the one thinking.
  • After a few minutes of doing this, I visualize my awareness/essence filling up our head and not letting space for anything else.
  • I keep focusing on visualizing until the music stops. Then get up and start doing something else, if Miri says something or starts thinking, then obviously it didn't work, repeat again. If I don't hear any thoughts besides mine, then that means we actually succeeded.

 

The 'doing stuff after an attempt' is just to check out if it worked. We've agreed on that Miri will let me know if it didn't work by talking/thinking. The reason I have to do this is that I don't want to accidentally bring her back by wondering if it actually worked, in case we succeed. So I have to keep my mind busy by focusing on something else. I've heard that it should be obvious if I am alone in the mind, but I've managed to fool myself into feeling like I was before, so I don't know how reliable that is.

 

I usually fall asleep before the music stops but doing so while trying this almost always leads to interesting results. Like Miri feeling like she wasn't there at all, having weird dreams where I am completely alone or me waking up before Miri (and for a while, be alone in the body), which could lead to us properly switching if I can prevent her from waking up. Problem is, I tend to forget and before I can notice, she's back.

 

What we're aiming for with this method is getting the brain to make Miri ''fall asleep'' before I do. Basically: I try to make the body almost-fall asleep while taking up all the brain-space. Since we both will fall unconscious as soon as the body actually falls asleep, it should make Miri, who's not thinking, go out before me. After that, I'll just get up and start doing something else while Miri remains unconscious.

 

It sounds weird and overly complex but it's the only method that seems to work for us. We're not planning on doing this after we've actually learned to switch. It's just a 'brute-force' method to tear down the belief that Miri can't go inactive whenever she wants (since we think it's the main obstacle, shouldn't be a problem after we take it down). No matter how much she thinks she can't go inactive like we do, the body is going to fall asleep anyway, so it's ''belief-proof''. Just us taking advantage of that.

 

I've also noticed that if I've just woken up from a dream where I was thinking a lot, chances are I'll be the first one to wake up. After these kind of dreams, only my thoughts can be heard, not a single thought from Miri, not even unconscious ones. Short after, she starts thinking again to let me know she's still there.

 

We want to play with that but I don't know what to do to make me focus a lot in dreams, not counting lucid dreaming.

 

 

 

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Today I tried to convince Miri to try and front for awhile since we'll have to talk to her parents about something this Saturday and I think it's better if it's her, not me proxying her like always, the one who talks to them. We wanted me to front 24/7 but I don't think 10 minutes of me not fronting will do any harm.

 

She agreed on at least try it, even if it's just a few minutes. Easy, easy. I placed myself in front of the door and told her to walk to the kitchen and come back. She made the body stand there for awhile, holding back all the time. When she started moving it, she made sure to do it in the most weird, exaggerated way possible, just so it doesn't feel similar to the way I move.

 

The few seconds she was in control I couldn't think at all, just watch. Because Miri was focusing really hard on ''not being me'', meaning, acting differently. If she acts similar to the way I do, she feels like she was just pretending the whole time. Okay, this is stupid. The body is used to being me, to the way I move, all while Miri is still there feeling everything. Does she really expect the body to move in a drastically different way just because she's the one doing it? people don't walk stretching their legs and waving their arms in the air as far as I'm concerned, normally.

 

--In the past, if she wanted to steal the front, she'd shake the whole body to ''break the control'' and make the transition from me to her clear. At the same time, if I wanted to front, instead of just letting me grab control, she'd stand still until I took control. It's like there has to be a clear transition for her to feel like a change on who's fronting happened, instead of her being playing pretend.--

 

Once she got back from the kitchen, she desperately wanted me to take back control and felt a bit anxious. After I calmed her down, I asked her to try once more, that I would be all the time there with her even if I wasn't talking or doing anything, like she is when I'm in control. Yeah, that was to no avail.

 

This got me thinking. She's got so used to experiencing the world from my perspective that she doesn't feel comfortable doing it from her own anymore. If I'm not fronting, I go back to being just a body-less voice, my presence isn't as strong as it is when I'm in control and she hates that. Even in normal dreams, she doesn't really like when she's the one fronting in them and often wakes up in distress if she can't feel me.

 

I think what it feels to be ''me'' is her comfort zone. Basically, I'm her ''safe place''.

 

Despite this, she still agreed on talking to her parents. I guess this week we'll be trying to help her feel comfortable in the front.

Edited by Mirichu

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Thursday

 

Miri tried to front again. I told her to stand up, grab something from our room and put it in our bed. She managed to do it and I took back control. I noticed that when Miri tries to move the body but stops in the last second, the body shivers.

 

I also got her to walk to the kitchen again. This time, she didn't make the body move in an abnormal way but did it as fast as possible. I could talk to her while she was walking and it felt weird to be back, even if just for a moment, to how it was before I became the host. My voice coming from the sides and Miri controlling the body.

 

After that, she didn't want to keep trying.

 

At night I tried to visualize her awareness as a green orb and destroyed it. As I did this I heard her say 'No'. I realized it was automatic and that Miri didn't have any intention of saying it. There was also no pre-thought and it felt like someone else forced her to say it. This has happened before and I honestly think it's me expecting her to talk like someone would expect their tulpa to answer. Unlike most automatic thoughts, this one was clearly coming from Miri.

 

On Friday we has planned to try again but when the time came, we were too tired to do anything.

 

Saturday

 

This was the day Miri had to talk to her parents. However, there was a change of plans and we decided to talk to them next week, that gave us more time to help her.

 

My plan was to have her lie down in bed and start moving her arms while I talk to her, just so she doesn't feel lonely. Then after a few minutes, she'd get up and start doing something else. Miri had other idea in mind though. She thought about pacing around the room to shake off my ''essence''. I agreed but as soon as she started walking, she felt like she couldn't do it and asked me to take back control.

 

Sunday

 

I remembered that Ranger once suggested letting Miri meditate while focusing on me. So we tried that hoping it'd lead to Miri in the front while still feeling my presence. It didn't work because Miri couldn't focus on anything. This is probably because when we do exercises of this type, it's usually me the one doing it. I still asked her to just front and move the body, but she refused every time.

 

To Miri it feels like she's not trying to re-learn (for lack of a better term) to control her body, but rather, learning to control my body. The few seconds she actually fronts, she doesn't know what to do with the body and 'who am I?' thoughts often pop in. It goes away as soon as I front again and everything is back to normal.

 

I still want her to talk to her parents but I can see myself doing it instead given our current situation. Even if I'm the host now, I still want to help her feel comfortable controlling the body she was born in.

 

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After refusing to even try at all, Miri agreed to give it a shot today.

 

Iwishtogameend gave us a really good idea to try. When Miri wants to do something, she never takes control. Instead, she asks me to do it so she can experience it through me. 

 

Basically, what they suggested is that whenever she wants to do something, I don't comply. If she wants something, she'll have to front and do it herself. 

 

Of course, taking advantage of her having anxiety over fronting to never  let her experience something she might want to is a bit cruel and I'll probably still comply every now and then. But I still find it very useful. I decided to start with small things:

 

I'll buy Miri's favorite snack (that she absolutely loves and always asks me to get) and leave it in the fridge. If she wants to eat it, she'll have to front and get it herself. If she takes too long (2-3 days), she'll have to watch me give it to her brother instead. 

 

_____________________________________

 

Last night we were trying to change our face in the mirror by looking at it in a dim room and I got the idea of having Miri front while pretending the reflection is me and maybe it'll help with the lonely issue. I don't know how well that'll work but worth a shot. 

 

 

That's the plan for today and possibly the week. So let's see how it goes.

 

 

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