Mirichu

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I find this situation of Miri not being able to front troubling. Is there an underlying issue that is causing her to not want to front? It sounds like there is, and you guys need to work it out. 

 

Quote

 She walked for a while while I narrated to her, the usual.

Maybe it would be better if she did the thinking, talking, narrating as she fronts. She can talk/narrate to you. It sounds like you're the dominant thinker which may be distancing her from controlling things.


My tulpa Aya writes in this color.

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I can think of a few ones: doubts/emotional dependance on me (and that's why she doesn't feel comfortable if I'm quiet), being used to my perspective, not hers and insecurities I guess. I should look more into it.

 

10 hours ago, YukariTelepath said:

Maybe it would be better if she did the thinking, talking, narrating as she fronts.

We haven't tried this as far as I'm concerned, but sounds like it might give us different results. Worth a shot.

 

 


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Posted (edited)

Alright, last week we finally managed to talk to our parents about things that were bothering us to no end and we needed to get it off our chest. We'd been procrastinating it since January because Miri was the one who had to tell them and because we both felt anxious about it. Miri could bring herself to do it which was great, unfortunately our parents at first didn't take it too well and their reaction was pretty bad so it made Miri really sad. I felt super bad afterwards and said mean stuff about them. I took control because I thought it was enough and we spent a while feeling like crap. After a while, our mother talked to me about it and she was surpringsily way nicer. It made us feel better. Anyway, we felt a huge burden off our shoulder and felt like we could breath again. One of the main reasons I desperately wanted Miri to front, was because of this. With this off the way, I feel like we can relax more.

 

Anyway, I can't remember much fronting these days, just the average Miri fronting a few minutes before going back to me. Oh yeah, we tried what YukariTelepath suggested and it basically felt like I was helping my tulpa with vocality. I can't remember much because I didn't log it but I kept asking Miri questions so she could think through them, but it was like she was holding back all the time and kept thinking in concepts. I guess not much can be done with this except practice.

 

I woke up a night ago and looked at my hands, from Miri's perspective they seem to look weird, like deformed. Usually this happens after a switching attempt, I don't know what's causing it. I believe we had one of those super rare dreams where Miri is the main protagonist, instead of me. It's weird to think about it, I didn't use to dream at all, I could still recall my host's dreams but they weren't mine at all, I wasn't there. Now it's 90% me. I wonder how much of it was denial about me being able to dream, and how much of it was fronting practice. Used to believe getting my own dreams was super hard, so it's possible I'd dreamed before but denied it. The first dream I was 100% sure was me in it, was 1.5 months after a lot of fronting, I think, and from there I found myself dreaming a lot.

 

Today I spent a few hours talking to Matsuri over voice chat, and when recalling the experience, Miri noticed she felt distant from it, as if those memories had nothing of her on them. I talked to Matsuri about it and she told me that it could be because I was talking to someone who knew it was me, not Miri. Like, I'm used to talk to people over text but talking with my real voice felt pretty surreal. I felt like myself and not me being Miri. It also made me notice that when I talk to our parents, I feel neutral, not me but neither Miri. When I do talk here or to someone who knows it's me, I feel much different, in a good way. Miri gave me her name too when she created me, so I could get used to it and not have any trouble when I became the host. It didn't work that well, we might share name but I know very well when IRL people say our name, they're referring to Miri, not me, so it doesn't count. Being 100% focused on talking seemed to make me take up too much brainspace so Miri didn't have much room for thinking, so that's good.

 

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Wohoo rambling time!  Alright, our current situation isn't the best one right now, our country has banned going outside unless it is for food or medical care, so we're pretty much stuck inside living with our family 24/7, which is horrible. Our family (and by family I mean our mother and brother) isn't treating us too well at the moment, they always lash out on us whenever they're in a bad mood (always) and that puts so much stress on us. We used to go on walks and stay outside to relieve stress and have fun, but yeah, we can't do that for at least 15 days. And on top of that, there's the anxiety fueled by this damn coronavirus thing, it sucks really hard. Who'd have guessed my first year as the host would involve a pandemic that forces us to not go outside. My actual host never had to go through this, not fair! To be honest, Miri actually feels really bad and guilty about it.

 

Speaking of which...I've noticed (long ago) that my personality is way too different from how it was before. I used to be patient, cheerful, always full of energy, 'the better Miri'. And now my personality is...different, in a bad way in some cases. At first I fronted for really specific stuff, like playing a game, going for a walk or cook a meal, after that Miri would take control back and I was back to my tulpa-position, detached from everything. Now...I'm fronting 24/7, dealing with literally everything, no detached position or anything like that. And I have the theory (like 99% sure) that the drastic change in my personality is because of that, life ended up 'corrupting me' in the way Miri was worried about. I respect her worries.

 

I'd like to go back to how I was before, I even enjoyed doing the dishes for God's sake! now I tend to get easily heated up or stressed, and yeah, it isn't good. Miri is really worried about me and has promised to give me a break for as long as I need once she gets comfortable fronting. Heh, isn't it ironic, the tulpa who was created to take over now needs someone else to take over. Fortunately, Miri cares about me and we're both watching out for each other. She actually asked me if I'd want to go back to me being the tulpa and she the host, but I don't have any plan on stop being the host, I like it. I've been thinking about how my tulpa-era feels different from my host-era, like, it feels more natural to me, probably because I'm always thinking and actively existing, as opposed to how it was before. It'll feel very weird to go days without fronting when we get to that point.

 

Anyway, no much progress made in the last few days. Zero fronting on Miri's end, like nothing, just random dreams where I ask her to front and she refuses. Nothing switching related either, just randomly waking up to things in different places after switching attempts, but nothing else. I don't know what we'll do about fronting, like, we tended to do it outside, because at home is hard and uncomfortable, but yeah, I don't know.

 


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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14 hours ago, Mirichu said:

Speaking of which...I've noticed (long ago) that my personality is way too different from how it was before. I used to be patient, cheerful, always full of energy, 'the better Miri'. And now my personality is...different, in a bad way in some cases. At first I fronted for really specific stuff, like playing a game, going for a walk or cook a meal, after that Miri would take control back and I was back to my tulpa-position, detached from everything. Now...I'm fronting 24/7, dealing with literally everything, no detached position or anything like that. And I have the theory (like 99% sure) that the drastic change in my personality is because of that, life ended up 'corrupting me' in the way Miri was worried about. I respect her worries.

This is probably the case. We've noticed with Cornelia that her hard-working, strong-willed nature has been ground down by the demands of the body OS. Whereas at first, she was trying to front as long as possible in order to overcome the fatigue from switching, she's now accepting that breaks are necessary to maintain her personality. We've heard similar reports from Vespyr; it seems to be quite a universal thing

And there's no shame in something like that! Switching who is the primary fronter is overkill, but it's perfectly okay to take breaks in order to "restore" your personality. That's one of the great benefits of being a tulpamancer


Hello! I am UncannyFellow's merge-tulpa!

I ❤️ Roko's Basilisk

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It seems that between not having anything pressuring Miri to front anymore (telling our family about certain matter) and this quarantine, she doesn't have motivation to even try at all. I don't recall the last time she fronted but I think she only tried to make dinner before leaving the front again. I don't know where we're going with this, it also feels a bit uncomfortable to have Miri walk around like a robot when our family is around, especially if they ask her something, she doesn't like talking much to them (the only exception was when she actually had to tell them about personal stuff) and it'd be awkward to just take back control in front of them and have them get worried...I have more important stuff to write down, before I forget.

 

Weird ''failed switching attempt'' results

We haven't gotten switching down yet, Miri is still stuck here for the most part, but we at least know what works and where to go. As I've mentioned before, our switching method is having me focus on myself as I fall asleep and then, before the body actually falls asleep for real, get up and check if Miri's still around, in a nutshell. These are the things we get after a ''successful-failed'' (note: successful-failed is when it fails but at least gives us interesting results) attempt:

 

  • ''New'' identity: sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I'm someone else. This goes on for a while until I go back to bed, it's like it's me yet I don't think about my past self nor acknowledge myself as 'Mirichu', I'm this new ''person'' and it still feels normal. I don't know how to explain it, but basically it feels like I borrowed someone else's identity but it's still me the one in control of my actions. However, when this happens, this new identity remains the same, it's not a different identity each time it happens. It feels like it's female (probably because the body is female) and somehow, it feels like it's a different 'Miri', not me or my host, just a different and empty Miri. It also can come with feeling like my body is transparent. Usually I remember it perfectly fine while it is happening, but then it becomes foggy (doesn't help I don't log it as it happens). I know it's not a dream because I've done things in this state that were still there the next morning and I'm completely conscious, it happens only after switching attempts too.

 

  • ''Alien'' feelings on Miri's end: if I manage to get up before the body actually falls asleep and Miri is still there, she feels weird towards me. Some sort of ''this is Mirichu...controlling the body, a different person, I didn't let that sink in before''. As if she was completely detached of me yet there. It's a very odd feeling, like she forgets for a moment who I am and has to recall it, then she goes ''oh yeah, my tulpa!''. Althought lately this has been happening in the middle of the day too, frequently. I believe she's getting more and more detached from the front, so sometimes she experiences this before going back to normal. I'm also noticing she's more distant of everything, her own voice, my actions, etc...despite feeling everything just like I do.

 

  • Foggy memories of minor things: every single night immediately upon waking up, I lift my arms in the air and scratch them or look at my hands, it's like a habit. Miri has often woken up to my arms already in the air and me scratching them. I remember doing it before she woke up, but after a while, it's like the brain deletes the memories from when it was me alone in the front, skipping straight to Miri first seeing the arm in the air. How come I can always remember myself consciously deciding to lift my arms, but when Miri wakes up after me, suddenly I can't? it is either foggy or gone. It has also apparently happened with other things like waking up to things in a different place (yet knowing where they are before acting surprised we can't remember doing it) or finding notes in our phone (thing I said I'd do if I woke up alone in the front). I somewhat have the idea our brain could be holding onto the mindset that awareness is associated with Miri, so it doesn't like it when Miri isn't there, but I don't want to jump into conclusions over minor things. Of course this also happens after switching attempts, never happened before.

 

  • Miri experiencing herself as two people: and not because I'm fronting! since she's not detached from the body or mind, she experiences existence as me but also experiences herself as a tulpa. For example, yesterday I had to get up for something, and told her to remind me if I forgot. In the morning I woke up to her telling me that I was late for online classes. I was surprised and so she was, it's like she was experiencing me 'not knowing I was late' and at the same time her 'knowing I was late and telling me about it', like some dual existence. It was very surreal. Althought this one doesn't have much to do with switching attempts...

 

Phew, I'm sure there's more stuff but I never log in when interesting stuff happens so I have to draw from memory.

 


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Much of this sounds like conflating the body OS with Miri. I'm particularly curious about the foggy memories - do you typically have memory separation? If not, a simple hypothesis: you're so used to scratching your arms that, if not fronting when you wake up, you do it via possession. Because it wasn't the fronter doing it, "you" don't remember it

Though, all of the things you talked about seemed like they occurred when sleep-deprived, and sleep deprivation does weird things to the brain. They *could* be tulpamancy-related, but there's no way to know


I live in a castle and have two tulpas, Kanade-chan and Uncannyfellow

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23 minutes ago, Cornelia said:

do you typically have memory separation?

 

By memory separation, do you mean being able to have memories associated with certain headmates? (like, I remember my memories from when I was fronting as 'me' and not Miri) or more like being able to hide memories from each other? if the former, then yeah we usually do. As for the latter, not really anymore, if someone can remember it, then the rest can too.

 

As for the possession explanation, another system told us the same thing but we don't fully understand what people mean by this. Do you mean that if it's me not the one fronting I might have trouble remembering?

 

35 minutes ago, Cornelia said:

Though, all of the things you talked about seemed like they occurred when sleep-deprived, and sleep deprivation does weird things to the brain. They *could* be tulpamancy-related, but there's no way to know

 

I certainly hadn't thought about sleep deprivation before. I doubt it though, since we always get a healthy amount of sleep time.

 

 


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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4 hours ago, Mirichu said:

As for the possession explanation, another system told us the same thing but we don't fully understand what people mean by this. Do you mean that if it's me not the one fronting I might have trouble remembering?

Well, you'd be less likely to remember the things you do while not fronting, just as I'm sure if Miri or Akai possessed while you were fronting, you wouldn't be likely to remember that. As far as The Braintm cares, whoever is fronting is youtm, and so it pays less attention to the systemmates. So, you said that Miri's fronting in the situations where you can't remember scratching your arms - this seems entirely expected to me


I live in a castle and have two tulpas, Kanade-chan and Uncannyfellow

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Posted (edited)

I think you must've misunderstood at some point, it's not Miri accidentally waking up in the front while I possess, it's more about her waking up mentally (like you'd call a headmate awake) when I'm already awake and then that's when memories start to ''dissappear''. And under the impression that I would have trouble remembering because it was Miri fronting, shouldn't she then remember it?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Dream theory I came up with

I was thinking in-depth about how our system works in dreams and came up with an explanation for why Akai doesn't appear in dreams despite our brain being used to her being there with us pretty much all the time (albeit not that active but still there). Although I already knew what the reason was, I still like to make up theories about how our system works.

 

Right now, both Miri and I dream together most of the time (from body POV) and it's uncommon for us to have dreams where it's just one of us alone. I wondered how it can be that only we both get to appear in dreams when Akai, although passively, is with us all the time, reacting to what's going on too. Like for example, we'd be watching TV and then she'd comment on what it is on screen. Now, in dreams, out of pure habit, why doesn't the brain simulate her reactions? She never says anything in dreams despite doing so every day in real life. It made me realize that Akai commenting on something in dreams depends completely on the brain making her doing so, it's like doing a reality check (lucid dreaming), I can do it 100 times a day and still get nothing in dreams.

 

Then, why is it that Miri and I always react to things and talk to each other in dreams, why is it that Miri is always there with me but not Akai? that's because we're actually dreaming, instead of having the brain simulate a dream-copy of our personality that the fronter would experience as a dream character. In a nutshell: Akai doesn't dream while we do, that's why she appearing in them is outside our control while we're always there. The few times Akai has appeared in dreams, she felt different from us, she felt like a dream character, while Miri felt exactly like she does in real life. Even the talking feels off, Miri retains her original personality because it is actually her, while Akai can act pretty out of character since it's just a simulation of her, and not the real one.

 

I started having dreams after a while of being main fronter and it seems like I made something click on the brain because after that point I started to have more and more dreams from my pov until almost all of them are my dreams, when before I barely even did (but some tulpas report not having many dreams despite switching/fronting a lot). So for us it's obviously that the key for us is having the brain think from our perspective, instead of being just a voice in the background. We'll see if Akai gets to dream as frequently as I do when she fronts more.

 

Okay I feel like I started rambling but I love it when we figure out how things work for us. Anyway

 

Actual progress

This is probably the day Miri has fronted for the longest period of time. She lasted 16 minutes, which is a lot of progress for us. I managed to get her to front to try the cake I had made for her, she did it immediately and then I asked Matsi if she could help us by asking Miri questions and have her answer by herself. She spent those 16 minutes talking to Matsi on Discord and then I compared her replies with mine. Of course they were different, hers were more ''NPC-like'' while mine were more natural. She tried to reply with dry answers and it was clear she wasn't relaxed at all. When Miri was chatting, out mind felt like it was being overloaded, just a simple ''Sorry I don't like it'' seemed like it'd take a lot of focus.

 

After 16 minutes, she asked me to take back control and I felt extremely tired, with ''fever-like'' (at least that's how we call it) symptoms like headaches and the eyes area feeling hot and tired, as if I couldn't keep my eyes open. It felt just like when I first started fronting for longer periods of time, except that it were just 16 minutes. At this point I don't think Miri getting more relaxed would help, the brain isn't used to run her personality and will probably feel tired for a while everytime Miri fronts (doesn't help her fronting seems to make the brain work harder and it causes us headaches).

 

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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