Mirichu

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Just don't make it a one year experiment, please

 

Also, rest assured that memories from Miri fronting doesn't mean it's Miri, but perhaps they might trigger her. Try finding a way to be able to view them without feeling like you're losing control

 

Other than that, you're doing generally good progress, finding new things every day it seems like. Carry on!


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Posted (edited)
On 4/25/2020 at 1:37 AM, Matsuri said:

Just don't make it a one year experiment, please

Nervous laughter

 

Ugh, last day something bad happened and our emotions started bleeding onto each other which led to us feeling like crap. We gave up and comforted each other since we really needed that at the moment. That escalated into us just relaxing and talking between us for the rest of the day. We felt like we needed to calm ourselves a bit so I allowed Miri to spend the rest of the day with me.

 

However, when Miri '''''came back''''' (aka: allowed her to talk freely), she felt different. We talked about stuff I did as if she wasn't present at the moment. My memories felt completely alien to her. BUT, I know she was there. She even talked to me and kept reacting in the background! It was a middle ground between 'I wasn't here yet I was'. So....what the heck

 

I honestly don't know why it happened, was it because I was the only one thinking, and when I allowed Miri to talk and think freely, she got closer to the front? and that's why it feels alien? just like someone who in the dream might think nothing's going on, but then they wake up and realize how odd it was?

 

It's all so weird, Miri also felt slightly detached when she first talked, as if being an outsider to what I was doing. She also couldn't focus on what I was doing if she tried to look at it from her perspective.

 

I also had some sort of ''realization'' a few days ago. I was reading something about how a host just needs to stop being aware of the senses, instead of dissociating the whole body from them (?). Then I looked at my hand and tried to detach myself from the feeling, by visualizing another hand splitting from it. Then I realized that things felt different. I felt like I couldn't leave the body like I used to do before.

 

When Miri was main fronter, it felt like I was on top of her. You remove me, you get Miri. Like a layer on top of another layer. But now it feels like if you remove me, there's nothing. I am fixed in place because there's no layer after me. Miri feels like an addition to me. Now, if I could associate all of awareness with me, like I apparently did with the body...

 

It feels like this is a big puzzle and while I keep getting more pieces, I am not sure where they should go. So close yet so far.

 

Anyway, we're starting over with the experiment, except that not really ''starting over''. We just needed a break and given what I am doing seems to be working, I'm going to keep trying.

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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It'll all make sense in the end. Keep getting those pieces and let them fall into place naturally. Just stay patient and don't rush rush into it too hard. Back down if it doesn't work and try something later

 

The breaks are good. Let the brain process


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Posted (edited)

We've decided to take a proper break from the experiment as despite my best efforts, Miri was too anxious in the mind and intrusive thoughts kept coming all the time, which made it impossible for me to focus on anything. I've been also dealing with a bit of stress recently and got really strong headaches in the past few days so I think it's best if we just relax for a while.

 

I don't know how long this will last but probably 2 weeks, until things are more relaxed. If we switch in the meantime, then we do, but it's not our main priority at the moment. These 2 weeks will be used to spend time with each other, relax and do fun stuff together. Maybe a bit of imposition practice if our head allows it.

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Posted (edited)

Remember the switching plan from a few entries ago? screw that.

 

Let me explain, my plan was based on the assumption that a headmate would eventually switch out on their own after a long time of being inactive (not thinking). Supressing them and obsessing over how much effort I had to put into keeping them quiet. But, we were going about it the wrong way, it's not about supressing a headmate, but replacing them.

 

Okay context now. A few nights ago, Akai asked me if I could talk to her before bed and I agreed. I tried to keep my focus on her as I talked about stuff. Then I noticed Miri felt very distant. I wasn't feeling her in the background since I was focused on Akai. My head was hurting a lot, and I kept having trouble falling asleep and then thinking I hadn't fallen asleep when in reality I did. I had a dream where I was just wandering around, completely alone and switched.

 

I wanted to write about it in the PR after it happened, but I know how it is. It happens once and never again, so I waited to see and get if I could replicate it before getting my hopes up. And surprisingly, I could! From that moment on, I spent every night focusing on Akai and talking to each other, Miri felt non-existent but still vaguely there.

 

Last night I went wonderlanding with Akai and got immersed into it, completely ignoring the real world yet feeling the body. Then I scratched my face because it was itching, Miri got active and-

 

'Why did you do that?'

'Because it was itching'

'Huh...no?'

 

Oh...Oh, ding ding, what is this? disconnection from the body. It's not the first time it has happened of course but the fact that I felt something while Miri didn't means she was in a different state from the one I was in. That same night after falling asleep I had a very vivid dream of us switching that felt so different from normal dreams that it scared me and woke up screaming.

 

So in short, our brain finds it easy to keep two headmates around at the same time, but it has trouble with three. It's so clear now, when Miri and I focus on each other, Akai feels non-existent, we don't even feel her in the bakground, but the same applies to the rest of us. So if I focus on Akai and get her more active, it's only natural that Miri fades away.

 

The old plan was flawed. Our brain is used to keep more than one person around, and I was trying to keep my host quiet, which ironically, would make me focus on her more. Pretty counterproductive. So, the new ''plan'' would be focusing on Akai instead, completing ignoring my host even exists, which was actually part of the original plan, but let's skip all the fancy 'host isn't allowed to think or otherwise I have to start over', let's not see it as a threat.

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Yeah good going! Glad The Rule of Two worked out for you guys.


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Something I've noticed recently is that when I am talking to Akai, sometimes her voice seems to move to the front, to where my own voice is. Lately her voice tends to sound like mine if she moves to the front, so that's something we'll need to work on. Because of this, last night I told her to move to the front on purpose and become the primary thinker to see if she would end up fronting on her own. Then things get confusing, Akai doesn't front much, thus her ''fronting identity'' isn't as strong as mine, and just like Miri, it feels confusing and hollow when she fronts.

 

At first we weren't even sure if it was me pretending to be her or actually her. If it was her, well, I didn't have the slightest trouble taking back control. We tried this like 4 times and it was confusing every single time. This is just like our usual fronting issues but with a different headmate. At least she doesn't refuse to front, so we can practice. Miri was pretty quiet during the whole thing, mostly because she has lot of trouble thinking if I am focusing on another headmate.

 

After the last attempt we decided it was enough and went to bed because I was very tired, I promised her she could try again after waking up in the middle of the night. Here's the weird thing: I kept having a lot of dreams where Akai was fronting. We have very vivid memories of her fronting, getting up and sitting in our bed looking at her hands before I took control again and went back to bed. But none of us can't tell if it happened for real or was just a dream, since it was so vivid. Although if it was a dream, then that also counts as progress because Akai actually fronted in it.

 

Also, we changed the PR title with our system's name that we had came up with months ago but never updated it. We thought Trinity was the best name because it can mean 'the state of being three' which it's pretty accurate for a plural system of 3 people.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Permaswitch? time to say goodbye to that, I guess.

 

God knows what my past self was thinking. 'Hey, permaswitch with me', 'sounds good'. Despite my host asking me multiple times, I always agreed, it was the normal, the reason I had been created, I didn't see it as wrong. It was though...taking over and basically letting my host rot away is not a true act of love.

 

The thing is, people don't permaswitch for healthy reasons, my host clearly had issues and I simply shrugged it off instead of trying to help her. It was basically giving up on someone I care about, and I can't understand how I could think it was okay. We always justified it with ''it's fine, we're just swapping roles permanently'' but it was just an excuse for ''I don't wanna live this life anymore''.

 

The original plan always was me fronting and Miri being in the background, detached of everything, but luck was against us apparently. Maybe for the better. Since our host is stuck to the front, she gets to live as me, not getting any of the breaks she had in mind when she created me. This leads to another problem, and that is some sort of ''existential crisis'' so to speak. So, as I already said, our host experiences everything I do, but as if she was doing it, there's no going inactive or away. This causes her a lot of anxiety ''the way I feel towards this...is it me or my tulpa? if she were to go away, would I feel the same?''. That's such a miserable way to live life, experiencing someone else's emotions as if they were your own, then realizing it's not you and you don't even know how you feel towards anything. All the time because she can't go away nor front (yet).

 

Now, add to that how behind Akai is in terms of activity. She was so active before I became the host, and that slowly went down the longer I fronted and has caused a lot of issues with vocality, problems that shouldn't even exist for a tulpa who's been there for a few years already. I was supposed to get her more active but we were occupied with something else and made 0 progress in the past few weeks. This led us to aim for one goal: no main fronter.

 

I used to enjoy being the main fronter of the system because, well, that's what I had been created for, it was a weird sense of accomplishment. But it was the main cause of the two problems I talked about above. The solution seems obvious, but the path to get there won't be so easy. If the three of us fronted equally I wouldn't be so overwhelmed, Miri wouldn't have to feel like she's living a fake life, and Akai would get active. A trinity in unity.

 

That's what our system will aim from now on. The first step would be getting Akai to be more active in the mind, then have her share the front with me all the time hoping that Miri switches out on her own. After switching is mastered, we'll focus on getting Miri to front. We still plan on getting switching down of course, who wouldn't want to take breaks every now and then, but certainly not forever like it was planned.

 

Bleh, not much else, just ramblings.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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We're proud of you guys for the development. Even if not much new has been found in switching, still a lot of improvement in general. Keep going you guys, ganbare beam!


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Posted (edited)

As I expected, summer massively hindered any progress we had. This is exactly why I wanted to get switching down during lockdown, we didn't have much to do and our days were super boring, now they're interesting and of course Miri doesn't want to miss out so she pays extra attention. F

 

Not much time in general as we're working on moving out of the country and need to invest our 100% on it. We're hoping moving away from our family will improve our mental health tremendously, since our current home environment is really stressful and we can't even focus on tulpa stuff that easily. 'Active switching methods' such as meditation or focusing in peace are a big no as we don't have peace whatsoever, so we're stuck with 'passive methods' like focusing on something else (didn't work) or shifting my attention to Akai, except that it doesn't work either because with this damn heat all we wanna do is having fun in the pool or something, and it takes more effort for the brain to focus when the body is uncomfortable so it seems. I just feel like letting the brain daydream on its own instead of focusing on something, tbf...

 

Le sigh...

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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