Mirichu

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Okay okay okay, something happy for once! So, a few days ago we told our friend about our dissociation problems since we felt like we needed someone to know as I can already predict it happening a lot in school when we start again. She was so damn supportive about it that something inside us went 'gotta tell her about us'. I didn't even think twice, I called her 'hey can you hang out tomorrow, I have something important to tell you', zero doubts. So today we went on a reaaally long walk and 'does the word tulpa sound familiar?' she said no and then I explained briefly, 'and um..sometimes it can happen that the host doesn't want to be host anymore and the tulpa takes over..that's me, I am the tulpa' and that was the most surreal moment ever!
 
Damn her reaction was so genuine, it shows when a person believes you and when they don't, and she did. She was like in shock and spechless for a few seconds, after this point I explained everything so fast and fluently that I possibly skipped stuff, from when Miri found out about tulpamancy, to permaswitch, why I was created and everything in between. After I was done I asked her what she thought about it, how she's taking it, she was 'well, I am letting it sink in' then she fell silent for a while, '...you're three people!' and idk, it felt so wholesome, it was so pure, she said it smiling and said that she fully believed us and accepted us. I felt so much like myself that Miri dissociated from me lol
 
She was super interested, not in a 'wow I want it too!' way but in a 'I accept it and want to learn more about it and you' way which made us so darn happy. I felt super comfortable with her, I felt like I could be myself and fully explained everything, she kept asking more and more and we talked about it a lot, daaamn it felt so weid, mentioning Miri and Akai, explaining how our system works and everything, in person. And then I mentioned again our latest issues with dissociation, trauma and everything else, and she kept reassuring us that she'd be there for us and that if this 'thing' happened to take over while we're with her or we started acting weird, she'd take us to a calm place and talk to 'us' and comfort us until we're us again.
 
She even opened up to us more! Oh and she immediately started using the plural without us even telling her anything. We made sure to let her know when Miri fronted and when it was me, to avoid any potential 'who was I talking to' trust issues. She basically started connecting the dots on her own 'oh so when you did this and this...oooh'. We used to drop hints last year, talked about 'doppelgangers' and stuff, 'aaaha so you were the doppelganger!' And she talked to the three of us, I told her Miri has always been watching and influencing me because she can't leave, she didn't even feel uncomfortable 'well I know her too, I know both of you and you all share memories anyway' because there was a period of time where Miri would front and talk to her, she even hanged out with her, so she has spent time with both of us.
 
Goood, we feel so understood and validated. When Miri told someone about us, it ended up in a broken friendship and we swore to never ever tell someone else, but holy crap we hit jackpot on this one! She even said she'll help and support us when we go back to trying to have Miri front! daaamn between our partner and our friend, we feel safe.
 
Oh yeah, that aside, I think both Miri and I switched out last night???? we were laying in bed and then 'we woke up' with a 'we finally did it, we both switched out' feeling but we didn't know why? it felt like we had just switched in, and we were gone before that, but we can't recall much, we did recall for a few seconds before it vanished, or we have mixed memories or 'feelings'. It felt like someone else took over and it wasn't Akai, no, I don't know. We couldn't feel the body at all, I looked at my hands, I tried to feel them, nothing, they weren't numb, I simply couldn't feel them, same with our breathing. I layed down again and tried to fall asleep, then our hand started moving on its own, it wasn't a twitch or a spasm, it was our hand taking off a bandage we had without any of us doing it, and we just watched our hand move until it stopped and we fell asleep.

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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That's very nice to hear, the community really needs more positive "coming out as a tulpa/mancer" stories to inspire them lol. Like yes it can go terribly, but it can also go like this. It's all about gauging the possible reactions of who you want to tell ahead of time, and then going into it as if it's something you're interested in rather than instantly "Hi I'm not me" to them.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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4 hours ago, Mirichu said:

We couldn't feel the body at all, I looked at my hands, I tried to feel them, nothing, they weren't numb, I simply couldn't feel them, same with our breathing. I layed down again and tried to fall asleep, then our hand started moving on its own, it wasn't a twitch or a spasm, it was our hand taking off a bandage we had without any of us doing it, and we just watched our hand move until it stopped and we fell asleep.

 

Lots of weird stuff like that can happen. Hopefully you get the hang of it soon. You'll get a feel for what you want it to feel like, and that's how it'll be.

 

Congrats again!

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Massive breakthrough in our life, I guess. Partner and friends suggested a while ago we might have it, since 'your childhood, frankly, doesn't sound normal at all'. We thought about it, furiously denied and then thought about it again, and it's more than clear that we have some sort of CPTSD, and DAMN IF IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. The apparent-always-there fear and hatred for the world, excessive daydreaming and extreme escapism, hypervigilance, panic attacks, chronic pain with no medical explanation, dissociation and everything else I am forgetting. We'll get an appointment with a psychologist for next month but oh boy, it already explains so much.

 

For the longest time, we didn't know what was wrong. 'Why does Miri hate the world?' 'I guess because of suffering?' 'but when did it begin?' 'umm, since always?' and then we realized, Miri always hated the world, we couldn't figure out why, since as early as we can remember, she was tired of it and wanted something better. 'I am sure it's all those fantasy movies Miri got exposed to as a kid' was our explanation for why Miri 'wanted something better'. Permaswitch was a very clear red flag, 'I am gonna make another me to replace myself because I want her to enjoy life and totally not because I have issues' and other lies you can tell yourself.

 

We always thought our childhood was happy, because we were too focused on the abuse and suffering from teen years that it made us feel our childhood had been amazing, as we only had seemingly happy memories. But digging and digging more, we realized that it wasn't as happy as we thought. It was like a closed chapter we never looked back at, so we never bothered, unaware that it was an unresolved chapter that was affecting the whole story, so to speak.

 

So, I think we raised an eyebrow when I recalled some really traumatic memory of abuse and everything went downhill from there. We have some very vivid memories of childhood abuse but most of it is hints (Miri covering her head and panicking everytime someone gets mad? mmm, I wonder) or 'vibes', we often lack the actual memory. Emotional amnesia is also super common, and that led to a lot of denial and the eternal battle of 'I hate parents today, I love them tomorrow'. I invalidated this with the old 'hey your/our trauma wasn't so bad' because I was scared of admitting it.

 

'I am forgetting something really important, my life is a lie' was a reccurent theme in our life. Especially when it comes solipsism, the whole thing was basically 'something feels off...aha I know what it is! I was god and gave myself amnesia on purpose to experience a different life without knowing I was god'. She fully believed this was just a vessel or some fake persona she was using to experience the world as a normal human, and wanted to woke up 'to her old self' and regain all the suppressed memories. 'I want the truth and just the truth, come on world, give me a clue' 'You might not like it' 'I don't care, I will accept whatever it is'. This 'something is off...I am repressing something' wasn't her being god. It was trauma.

 

Miri was so deep into solipsism that she couldn't think of this 'off' feeling as the -basically- warning sign it was, and instead used it to deeply delude herself into lies. Then at some point I got the urge to front and take the reins of our life, and I slowly started to become the new host. When I did so, self development began, I got rid of old coping mechanisms and started digging more and more in our past.

 

Obsession with childhood began with me, Miri was so invested in her delusions that she didn't care about it. It was more than 'I wish I could go back in time', it was pure misery, feeling like I had been robbed from the childhood I never got to experience. I desperately tried to do anything that'd bring me closer to my host's childhood, like eating her favorite ice cream as a kid or listening to old songs. It got so bad that seeing kids happily playing became a trigger for me. I couldn't quite understand why I was so obsessed with our childhood, why I felt like I had been robbed from it. I didn't know why I cried and panicked when I saw some kid being abused in a show, why that exaggerated reaction, and I couldn't understand why this obsession of, um, imagining myself taking care of a kid Miri, as if I needed to protect her. Well, trauma explains EVERYTHING, it all makes sense now. The triggers, huge empathy and obsession with childhood.


I am the ''trauma-free'' one apparently, but that doesn't make me immune to its effects. However, no matter how bad I have it, after a while, the pain and misery goes away and emotional amnesia kicks in. Maybe this is why the brain forces me to stay in the front, our old good brain needs some sweet dopamine. I do wonder if symbolically, I was this 'true self' and that's why the 'truth' appeared when I became host, hah I know it's not true because I don't feel like I existed before I was actually created, but it sounds beautifully symbolic, doesn't it?

 

Anyway, this is such a big breakthrough, we finally can explain lots of things we shrugged off as 'it simply is' and maybe, we can figure out how our system works more, why our host can't switch out or why she, sighs, can't front either, there's so much we need to figure out. One thing is for sure, it will lead to lots of healing and self improvement, now that we know what we're dealing with and will get professional help, so we're looking forwards to that.

 

I am still impressed Miri went into solipsism with the idea of 'finding the truth (the truth she wanted, not actual truth y'know) and regain memories' and you know, actually found the 'truth'. Pretty cool foreshadowing, huh brain. Ironically, that pushed her further away from it. Mood.

 

''If only you would have calmly, without knowing anything, just feared the night...''

 

It used to come with a nice animation but it was taken down ;_;


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Nice post. Feels really honest to me. I like that you have recognized and identified the problem and taken steps to get professional help, even if your host cannot. Dr. Bob

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Ouchy, tested positive for Covid, I guess it was inevitable at this point, and tbf, kinda relieving. The stress, anxiety and fear were waaaay worse than the actual illness. Been already 1 week with symptoms and it felt like a normal cold except yesterday, which was awful because we could barely move and slept for most of the day, amped maybe by the muscle relaxation meds we took that made the body completely numb. We felt insanely better today, family is what worries us I guess, geez, why no one listened when we said we might have it.

 

Anyway, thanks to it we got some interesting experiences. Brain was super active, but body was fatigued and numb, so we ended up with extremely lifelike visualization while trying to fall asleep. Walked down some woods and I looked at my hands, it felt like real life, but we were still awake. Damn it was powerful. At night, after having slept 16 hrs with briefly awakenings, we were still able to sleep, but constantly woke up because of nightmares that I assume were caused by the illness, since we woke up really sweaty every time. We were constanly switching apparently, sometimes Miri taking the front and me moving to the sides and viceversa. A blendy mess we were. Didn't even know who was talking and sometimes I'd reply to myself thinking it was Miri lol

 

Recalled a bunch of past memories that truly, 100% felt like they had happened yesterday when in reality, they happened at least 17 years ago. Our sense of time was messed up and it was kinda spooky. Lots of internal chatter and 'dream characters' directly talking to us while we were in this limbo state between reality and dreams. Should've tried to enter a dream or impose something.

 

Okay, we're quarantined 15 days so thank goodness it was before school so we can't spread it. Time to go back to play games and shitpost all day, I guess. Phew, such misfortune.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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On 9/10/2020 at 3:41 AM, Mirichu said:

we ended up with extremely lifelike visualization while trying to fall asleep. Walked down some woods and I looked at my hands, it felt like real life, but we were still awake. Damn it was powerful.

 

That's what I call hypnagogic, it happens a lot for us.

 

On 9/10/2020 at 3:41 AM, Mirichu said:

Time to go back to play games and shitpost all day, I guess. Phew, such misfortune.

 

Then we don't see you again for a week...

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On 9/20/2020 at 2:23 AM, Bear said:

Then we don't see you again for a week...

 

Yeah..sickness got worse and I just didn't have it on me


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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God dammittt! First Covid, then really bad acid reflux for weeks that sparked horrible health anxiety because it felt like a heart attack, waking up with tachycardias and shaking every damn night which led to trips to the hospital to be told our heart in perfectly fine and it's probably anxiety screwing us up as per usual. Brain didn't really care and anxiety kept at it. Now that we seemed to be getting a tiny, bit, little better, BAM, head congestion and possible cold or who knows, Covid re-flare up??? bah, I am so tired of being sick, I just want my normal life back. Can't even bother to check the homework I supposedly had for this week because I just don't have the energy to do anything, god I hate this.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and co-fronts with me and Akai, but she doesn't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

________________

Waka Waka x3

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I hope you feel better soon


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

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