Mirichu

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That doesn't really match with our experiences. I've done new things and I still get my host's quirks. Or the opposite, old things heavily associated to Miri but feel like me.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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I can see our fun tulpamancy days ending, and I hate it with a deep, burning passion. So...how, when, just when did it go from 'heeeey fun tulpamancy, let's go switchy switchy!' to 'just how SCREWED UP are we really?'

 

Okay..first, therapy. The woman is amazing and knows what she's doing, but it's been only two sessions and I can already look back and go 'holy crap if we aren't overwhelming to deal with' even she herself said it, she said that we were a unique case and a challenge for her. How bad do you have to have it for a professional with decades of experience to tell you that. I just thought 'oops lol' when she first said it, but looking back, I simply cry. The first session was alright.

 

The second one tho...maybe it was the integration talk or the fact that she straight up said that while she needs more sessions with us to get to know us, she thinks we're very likely to have a dissociative disorder. Even after I explained over and over about our tulpa stuff. Idk, hearing it in voice by a professional made us die inside, because I knew we had dissociation going on, but I always used our 'lack of amnesia' as a safe card to use against having a disorder. Yeah..that aged like milk, because we apparently do. She confirmed that the way our memory works is not normal at all.

 

One thing I am TERRIFIED of is misdiagnosis and autosuggestion, already explained this concern to therapist and she understood. Like, say she diagnoses us with BPD or DID, and it's a wrong diagnosis, but because we believe it, brain starts creating symptoms that weren't there before. Sure, we can look back into the past and check for symptoms or patterns, but what if it's fake memories tho? I know brain can make those sooo easily. Miri once talked to a friend about how 'sometimes I can't remember how I got somewhere or how I came to do what I was doing, like I just appear there out of thin air' and that was pretty scary but at least was tangible proof because it was written in text, you can't confabulate that. And it was before tulpamancy or before Miri even knew what dissociation even was, so the brain simply didn't have the knowledge necessary to autosuggest itself. Now, if we suddenly start experiencing symptoms right after reading about them, when we never did before...yeah I am suspicious.

 

The ''final blow'' was psychiatrist in the evening. The first session I had with her, I skipped plurality and the big delusions, because I simply was too scared and wasn't prepared mentally. But therapist said it was necessary for us to tell her, for proper treatment. I swear I was having a panic attack in the waiting room, I don't know why, I didn't have this problem with therapist, but with psychiatrist I just had a very hard time. When I told her about us I just felt so nauseous and sick, because it went from 'yay tupper friends' to 'might be something serious' and it made me physically sick. I simply felt like I was asking for help to get rid of headmates, even though it obviously wasn't what I was doing.

 

Then I explained how Miri literally believed reality was fake and she was god, and she looked at us like we were someone who needed to go to a psych ward. See, the first time we went and told her about ''minor'' delusions, she gave us antipsychotic meds, but it was a very low dosage. We didn't take them because we were waiting to see what therapist had to say, then therapist was like 'okay wait until you tell her about this and see if meds change'. Guess what? after hearing what I had to say today, without even having taken the pills once to see results, she doubled the dosage...It just hurt. I felt that on every single level.

 

I felt like we were just to hard to deal with and we were so screwed up in the mind. I just wanted to cry after leaving the clinic. I wanted to cry because I can never get back the life I had last year, when we were happy and didn't even know there was trauma or underlying disorders, we simply lived life and were content. I can't even tell when it all started. Miri was delusional and psychotic all along and I know she's hurt too, but you see, 'creative and prone to fantasy thinking' doesn't hurt as much as 'psychotic'. That's such a strong and ugly word no one wants to hear about themselves. But at least Miri was happy in her delusions, she wanted to live in them, she felt safer than without them. The problem comes when you wanna live in the same reality as everyone else, but you can't.

 

It hit me so hard because our 'default disorder' was always OCD, and that was kinda it, you know? we accepted it because it is a very well known and 'sucks but okay' kind of disorder, similar to depression and anxiety I guess. But disorders like BPD, schizophrenia, DID, bipolar, etc, were always the 'bad and extreme disorders that only other people have' so when you get veeery close to one of those, that's when it gets bad.

 

It's so sad, how Miri wanted to live in her own subjective reality, but couldn't. And now that I want to live in objective reality, I can't either. How pathetic, I hate it. Kinda hoping therapist, after a bunch of sessions, goes, 'okay it was just glorified tulpamancy after all, you're ok' lol


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Hmm, I guess it's better to face a frightful end than fright without end. It may sound pathetic but in all honesty see this as a new beginning and an opportunity to grow. A way out of a dead end even if this way may be painful and terrifying now.

 

I already gave my opinion based on what you told us here - if this is not some form of dissociative disorder than I dunno what else is supposed to be. In any case it clearly has a severely negative impact on your life and needs to be addressed by a professional. You have taken this step, you seem to trust your therapist so that's already something positive. Above all, remember - no matter what happens - you are not alone in this. Neither you as a person nor as a system. There are others willing to lend you a hand. That's an extremely valuable asset not everyone can count on. Keep reminding yourself of that, I am convinced it helps.

 

In addition to therapy and possibly medication I strongly suggest to take a proactive stance on this. No therapist and no meds will help you if you don't accept help from others and help yourself. Bear should serve as a role-model in this, if tuppering has taught me anything it is that personalities can be rebuilt and improved to an unbelievable degree. The mind is malleable. Your anxiety, guilt, self-loathing - they need to be overcome.
No that's not easy, it's incredibly hard and painful but it can be done. And with even the smallest success and growth things become progressively easier and easier.

 

Also please discern between living in your personal fantasy world and dissociative disorders. There's nothing wrong with living in your own reality as long as you don't pose a threat to yourself and others and at least and remain on professional terms with the consensus "reality" of the society you live in. Society itself is a grand collective fantasy world and most people are in some way delusional. What's important is that it works. At least most of the time. So I'd say that should be your goal here.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

The problem comes when you wanna live in the same reality as everyone else, but you can't.

Yep. So don't. Do you really wanna be like everyone else for the sake of being like everyone else like some NPC? Hell I wouldn't. I worked 40 years NOT to live in the same reality as average people. And I love it! Or look at Mistgod. The man lives in a fantasy world beyond belief with Melian by his side for almost his entire life - and openly telling everyone about her - while still being a functioning family man, teacher and friend. Not an easy and average one perhaps but he's happy and it works for him. It's all about carving out a niche to live the life you want to. Takes work, money and a lot of guts but it's doable. More than ever nowadays in our 'diverse' society. So don't worry too much about that part. Just keep things within reason.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

Then I explained how Miri literally believed reality was fake and she was god, and she looked at us like we were someone who needed to go to a psych ward.

Well uh, yeah, can't really blame her eh?

Spoiler

 

Yes, the DID / BPD / schizo / psychotic label sucks because such people are perceived not just as odd but as dangerous or at least deeply disturbing. No idea what can be done about it, that's the job of professionals. But surely sulking about what a terrible and difficult person you are is not helpful. Just like an ill person won't get better from brooding over their illness and blaming themselves for it. It's not your fault, ok? So accept the situation, do what you can do, work on the parts you can work on, one small step at a time.

 

Therapist said you're an unique case and a challenge. Ain't that - good? Better than some standard case which gets sent home with meds without receiving any attention. It's a chance to get involved with the therapist and learn from each other. Well that's what I'd do but I'm some crazy scientist after all. Provided you like and trust her. It's a very personal matter after all.

 

In any case no, there's no going back. Only forward. My last advice - go full Hernando Cortez. Burn your ships, march on into the future. No turning back on confabulated "good ol' times".

 

Ahh, there I go wasting my time solving other people's problems again without being asked instead of doing my work. Sorry, can't help it :P

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11 hours ago, Yakumo said:

There's nothing wrong with living in your own reality as long as you don't pose a threat to yourself and others

 

+1

 

11 hours ago, Yakumo said:

Do you really wanna be like everyone else for the sake of being like everyone else like some NPC?

 

+1

 

Hey, you may have problems, but there's a rash of psych's here telling the community that having head friends is a disease. No sir, they're misinformed and misdiagnosed in my opinion. Ask yourself, would you be better off if you never had them, if that answer is no, then tell them that. If they're not listening, then it's time to find a new psych that will listen instead of placing you in a box.

 

I don't know the whole story only you do. To be fair, I never tell anyone about my system outside of obscure and anonymous internet forums, and luckily I don't have any co-conditions that need attention. I am a 1% employee at work and a successful entrepreneur. I have a hellish life condition because of intense workload and working with highly stressed people who become unhinged at times. My system is my support network, my friends who I don't otherwise have time for, and my comfort.

 

I can weather many extreme situations without ill effect or emotional outburst now. I just survived one recently. I was peace incarnate in a tempest maelstrom. That doesn't mean it didn't effect me, I had to really spend a lot of time processing reality lately to be able to prevent it from traumatizing me. Seriously, my work could cause PTSD. My system was there coaching me and supporting me. Zero drama came from me and that helped the situation immensely. You wouldn't believe what kind of bullshit happens around here.  Stakes are higher than I could even bear two years ago. This isn't something I would assume you're dealing with or I hope you will ever have to deal with, but you have your own problems, so I'm not trying to compare them. When you come through a hardship and survive, you either learn nothing and become damaged by it or you learn something and become stronger for it.

 

What is a tulpa? Maybe we should start there. A delusion? A maladaptive syndrome? Fuck that. If so then I don't have tulpas. I have a very ordered set of interactive facets that allow me to handle different situations. Ask me to integrate? Done, we are one, because no one can police my mind; not any psych, not this community. If you say I'm doing something wrong, after all the good my system has dome for me, then you're ignorant and your opinion is invalid. Propose that onto yourself and your system. Of course you're going to look like DID to a psych. That's all they know. I didn't know anything about this community without actually being here for an extended length of time. No Wikipedia entry is going to explain it. Even if you had amnesia, who cares.

 

Society wants good little soldiers. but the truly exemplary among us don't fit in nicely controlled boxes. Unfortunately you're still impressionable and will listen to authority. If you've been paying attention to me over the years, you know I don't give a fuck about authority or what they think. The only one who knows me is me, so don't label me, I don't fit in your boxes.

 

So now, as for you, I don't know the extent you and Matsi are going through, but it sounds like you're both being shoehorned into boxes, from my perspective, that's what I see.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, luckily you can't just 'integrate' and have it stick without a drive to do so. So if that's the path and life is worse without them you know what to do.

 

Also, I did change myself completely at the age of 19 the first time. I had many issues, phobias and a serious health condition. I came out of an abusive home and living on my own with very little money and no means to get more was scary, but I did everything I could to get my first degree and hold it together just enough to graduate with honors. Then suddenly I was in a hellish job that was high stress and the people were weird. I had to move jobs to find the right fit. Then just as I was getting comfortable, finishing my second degree at the same time, I was laid off. Six months of worry later I got another job. It was awful, hopeless insanity. Thank god I had the will to get yet another degree that would help me find the job I'm in now and allow me to settle in. I am thriving now, and you could say I had every opportunity and 100% luck, but don't discount my will and determination. When I left my abusive situation all I could afford was the ghetto, seriously. You couldn't openly walk the streets in my hood unless you were affiliated. I wasn't, and for some reason I wasn't targeted. I got out of there the moment I got my first real job. My life wasn't comfortable, and maybe it never will be, but I make it so by shear will. In those moments that reality is unavoidable, I do my best to weather those storms.

 

I think personally that the biggest problem tulpamancers have is the need to come out. Why does anyone need to know anything about your headmates but you and your closest friends. Can you live a normal life? That's what a psych is trying to fix. They are under the assumption that you can't without something changing so they're going to find something to change.

 

I M O

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12 hours ago, Yakumo said:

Also please discern between living in your personal fantasy world and dissociative disorders. There's nothing wrong with living in your own reality as long as you don't pose a threat to yourself and others and at least and remain on professional terms with the consensus "reality" of the society you live in. Society itself is a grand collective fantasy world and most people are in some way delusional. What's important is that it works. At least most of the time. So I'd say that should be your goal here.

Well, it's impossible for me to live in true objective reality or whatever, it will always be seen through my lens no matter if I want it or not. Society is the only fantasy world I can live in so that's the one I am gonna aim for lol I really don't mind a normal, average life like everyone else, rather...enjoying what this world has to offer, without relying on escapism or fantasies. The problem comes when those ''fantasies'' are shoved down your throat even if you resist them. This brain has pretty weird and delusional thinking patterns that aren't fixed by just 'not wanting to escape reality'

 

Our plural stuff could be easily seen as 'bad fantasy, you psycho!' by others, but it doesn't bother me because this ''fantasy'' actually benefits me. Miri never wanted to be a part of society, it was me through fronting who made her be part of society, despite me struggling too, but at least I have the desire to change. So to other people's eyes, Miri went from someone depressed and barely getting through, to someone who can somewhat

function and wants to be part of their so desirable society, I ''fixed'' her, even if the original person is still inside being miserable, you know.

 

13 hours ago, Yakumo said:

Therapist said you're an unique case and a challenge. Ain't that - good? Better than some standard case which gets sent home with meds without receiving any attention.

I don't think that's very good, I'd rather get sent home because my problem was so easy to fix that we didn't need more sessions. 'Your case is unique, you're gonna be a challenge' was the most complimenting and oof thing at the same time ever. I prefer to be the boring patient who vents about their school or love life instead of some 'woah, that's so fucked up' patient who needs years of therapy to even function.

 

@Bear Our therapist doesn't think being multiple people in one is the main issue, she doesn't think we're fantasy either. She initially assumed being multiple caused us issues, but I will have to make it clear how much of a positive influence I was in Miri's life. Of course, I assume she sees it as 'okay we have the part who wants to live and thrive: Mirichu, and the part who is miserable and wants to escape life: Miri, so maybe if we integrated the two, there wouldn't be a miserable part dragging down the strong part...', she even tried to pull out a 'try to teach Miri what you're learning here, okay?' and could've just said 'hey she's here, you can talk to her through me' but that'd be really annoying, she wants to treat Miri too, whenever she fronts lol

 

The main issue is crippling dissociation, like...there's not even amnesia between me and Miri! isn't that the disorderly part of DID and the like? we did have amnesia with this thing that sometimes fronted, and that'd be the ''disorder'' part, but not between the two of us. She asked me if I remembered seeing Miri in childhood memories, because they're usually in 3rd person, but like, even Miri feels like she was just watching outside the body...She cannot recognize herself at all in those, there's really strong dissociation going on with most childhood memories. But that'd only prove that Miri was always prone to dissociation. I sometimes wish I came to be in childhood, but that'd mean I was traumatic in origin, and that's not good. I mean, I was, I am the indirect result of my host being traumatized, but I really doubt I was ''born'' during a traumatic event.

 


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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First of all, let's be real a minute. Escapism into tulpamancy and fantasy vs. escapism into heavy drugs. Think on that. It's an epidemic here and has been for 50 years, so if you can avoid that, play with your head friends all day every day; and, if you can do that and go to school or work, there ain't a GD think wrong with you. Seriously. If you're catatonic and racked with anxiety or just out of it, like checked out, then exhaust any other causes before you start taking anti-psych meds or anything else. I am no expert but this all sounds like they're treating something that's not a problem and scaring you and Matsi into thinking this "symptom" is the major cause of anything. It's the one they see, that's my point, so they grab onto it and pull.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

Well, it's impossible for me to live in true objective reality or whatever, it will always be seen through my lens no matter if I want it or not.

 

If you ask me, this is real. If you think you're in objective reality, that's not. I'm not confused, conditioning and previous experience drive new experience, that's purely psychological.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

The problem comes when those ''fantasies'' are shoved down your throat even if you resist them.

 

You mean like every single form of modern media...

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

because this ''fantasy'' actually benefits me

 

Yes, thank you.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

Miri went from someone depressed and barely getting through, to someone who can somewhat function and wants to be part of their so desirable society, I ''fixed'' her, even if the original person is still inside being miserable, you know

 

This is the sanest thinking I can imagine.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

'try to teach Miri what you're learning here, okay?'

 

This is exactly what Ashley did for me. Still, thank goodness we didn't become Bashley to fix me because that would only have either ignored the shadow work I needed or lost both of us in the process. Bashley is fine, but Bashley isn't Bear or Ashley. The work to turn negative triggers into positive triggers or at least neutral doesn't destroy or ignore what happened, it accepts what happened and makes you stronger and more resilient because of it.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

The main issue is crippling dissociation

 

It's a shame the psych wasn't given this symptom alone, because imo it should be treated alone. Idk how someone outside of this community mindset would understand how plurality could actually improve the odds of recovery and growth. I never would have believed that myself.

 

2 hours ago, Mirichu said:

I am the indirect result of my host being traumatized, but I really doubt I was ''born'' during a traumatic event.

 

Be careful here because it's very wrong. Not the way Miri described it anyway. Miri making you and you suddenly appearing and taking over are worlds apart. Look at Reilyn, she appeared and took front permanently, nearly pushing the original out completely and didn't know what was going on. 

 

You were created and rarely said a peep until you started to front and now you're stronger than Miri, but that's not the same thing. 

 

I'm just giving my advice, take it for what it is.

 

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27 minutes ago, Bear said:

First of all, let's be real a minute. Escapism into tulpamancy and fantasy vs. escapism into heavy drugs. Think on that. It's an epidemic here and has been for 50 years, so if you can avoid that, play with your head friends all day every day; and, if you can do that and go to school or work, there ain't a GD think wrong with you. Seriously. If you're catatonic and racked with anxiety or just out of it, like checked out, then exhaust any other causes before you start taking anti-psych meds or anything else. I am no expert but this all sounds like they're treating something that's not a problem and scaring you and Matsi into thinking this "symptom" is the major cause of anything. It's the one they see, that's my point, so they grab onto it and pull.

One thing is fun daydreaming and fantasy stuff as a hobby, and other thing is when you let said fantasy consume your whole life and start neglecting your real life. Yes, without drugs or being catatonic, and it is so scarily easy to do. The main job of the psychiatrist is to give you meds so you can at least function, they're not there to talk to you and guide you until you feel better, that's the therapist's job. Are there meds for dissociation? I don't think it's something that can be treated with meds (correct me if I am wrong because I really don't know lol), however, you can treat psychosis. We happened to have both dissociation and psychotic symptoms. Voices that aren't headmates and clearly threatening + very strong harmful delusions are symptoms that need to be treated, hence the antipsychosis meds, she didn't give us those to treat our ''plurality''.


Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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Seems like therapy is gonna get interesting soon, first sessions were just me telling her stuff about ourselves and the like. But yesterday she started doing trauma work with us and at first I thought it wouldn't work as we didn't even know what we should be feeling, really strong emotional amnesia for all the memories she wanted to work with us, so that makes it harder I guess.

 

I was telling her how Miri or I were feeling as we imagined the scene, then at some point I started talking stuff I didn't know I was saying and I couldn't tell what I was saying because my words were coming out of my mouth faster than I could process them in my mind, I can't even remember what I said tbf. I noticed my voice sounded different and I felt less and less like myself, but still fronting, if that makes sense. I got really scared and just snapped out of it because even our leg was shaking lol, it's the same feeling we get when we backed off from a switch attempt. I guess I was scared of losing control and potentially behaving or saying really embarrassing stuff, but it's her job so I shouldn't be embarrassed. I couldn't induce this feeling again the rest of the session.

 

Not much else, but this sounds promising. I really want to know what's wrong with us and feels almost like a self discovery journey. As for tulpa stuff... idk, we even lost interest in switching, maybe we accidentally do it in therapy and Miri ends up fronting, but nah, that's old. Miri and I are good being co-fronting all the time. I still enjoyed when Miri would sometimes take the front from me and we'd both front equally, we're aiming for that.

Edited by Mirichu

Hello, I'm Mirichu, although you can call me Miichu, and I'm the main fronter of this system.

The others are Miri, who's the original host and Akai, but they don't talk much here.

Progress Report and my Art Thread

How long until my host shuts up

________________

Waka Waka x3

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