Ravii

Ravii's Tulpa Diary

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I’m 11 days into creating my tulpa, Keith, and I thought it would be a good idea to keep a progress journal here. I already have a hand written journal about the experience so this is going to be kind of a summary of those journals.

 

Bit of context: I’m an artist/writer/creator going to college. I’ve made many OCs in the past so acting them out and visualizing them comes naturally to me. This is a super good thing but also sometimes a problem, since I often don’t know if I’m parroting/puppeting Keith or not, but I’ve learned from the help of a member’s advice to keep on going even if I am parroting him and that he’ll eventually be able to reject my thoughts. (Thank you Ranger!)

 

Motivation:

  • Companionship
  • Having a person to bounce ideas off with
  • To maybe help me with my social anxiety and my stuttering?
  • Curiosity
  • To learn about my subconscious more

 

What i’m doing:

  • I actively force during an hour I have in the bus, though I often lose concentration.
  • I don’t really active force that much when I’m home, around 20min-45min a day. I’m going to try to work on getting an hour in every day.
  • I’ve done tulpa hypnosis multiple times. It was a nice experience 🙂 I’ll continue to do so.
  • I’ve done a ton of passive forcing and narration while i’m drawing/walking to class/driving/etc every day.
  • I made a quick friendship bracelet to remind myself that Keith is with me and to passive force 😆
  • I draw Keith a LOT whenever I’m bored lol This isn’t really a thing I’m doing intentionally and it isn’t really a practice/exercise either, but I think it helps with the visualization at least a little.

 

Goals

  • Strong sentience (main priority. Strengthening his own ideas and thoughts.)
  • Vocalization (main priority #2) It's 04/03/20 and I'm hearing him pretty well, mwahaha
  • Get him to talk first!
  • Independence from my mind
  • Possession
  • Imposition

 

Our wonderland

  • A vast grass field with many trees surrounding it. (added 1st day)
  • An ocean across the field in the back. (added 4th day)
  • A tiny house in the corner of the grass field that has:
    • A living room with a tv, tv stand, vase with flowers, window, tiny bookshelf and a couch. (added 2nd day)
    • A bedroom with one window and a bed in the corner. (added 11th day)

 

Keith’s appearance:

This is what Keith looks like as of now. I’ll post a better picture of him later. I’m well aware that he’ll probably deviate from this figure, as well as from his original personality. As long as he’s happy with it, I’m happy with it :) I’ll keep this section updated.

(04/03/20) This is his original ref from 2017 I think? He was an OC that I really liked but didn't have a backstory for. The reason why I didn't want to post this too early was because I didn't want to post anything that he didn't want me posting. But he seems content with his appearance and he hasn't deviated much from it since this ref, so I decided to just post it here today lol
 

Keith_ref.png.69f33a46ce8728c6a062a257cf7b6e1d.png

 

I would love your advice!

Feel free to send me a response on how I'm doing, what I should do, what I'm doing wrong, anything. I would love to hear your thoughts 😆

 

Edited by Ravii

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Progress so far:

  • I can visualize the wonderland pretty easily, as well as visualizing Keith.
  • Got a really strong head pressure once. Though it wasn’t from the left or right side of my head, it was more from the front-center-rightish part. This was when I was reading a guide for Tulpa’s about how to talk to their hosts.
  • Got a weak head pressure once during one of my classes. I was coaxing him into getting my attention beforehand.
  • Got an overwhelming sense of joy while listening to a particular song once. I was talking to him beforehand and it was definitely way too overwhelming to have just come from me.
  • I also kinda know what “tulpish” feels like now.
  • I can hold a short conversation with Keith. He doesn’t really respond in long sentences but rather with yes/no/idk or an image or tulpish. This does sound like the answers are coming from him, but again, I’m not really sure if it’s actually him. It still kinda feels like I’m parroting him and the responses are expected. I do ask him if the response was from him but I always get an “I don’t know”. The voice doesn’t sound like my mind voice either, it sounds like the voice I imagined Keith having.
  • On the 3rd day of forcing, I made a room in my wonderland and I asked him to take turns creating furniture with me. After I brought a chair, there was a sudden image of a couch in my head which caught me completely off-guard. I could tell that this was definitely from him because of how unexpected the response was. I haven’t really had that kind of a “this response was definitely from him!” moment after that.

 

I’m pretty sure the “surprise me” method is working very well. The responses don’t really “surprise me” per-se, but they are always unexpected.

 

I’m pretty surprised that my dreams have become way more vivid and long after starting to active/passive force.

Also, after 8 days of passive/active forcing I got a major headache. Either the headache was from doing unusual Tulpa things with my brain or it was just from a cold, since my throat did hurt a little earlier that day. I hear that it’s pretty normal to have headaches while developing a Tulpa and it did go away after a good night’s sleep.

Either way, I took a day off of forcing the next day and my progress kinda slowed down after that. I’m trying to get back on track.

 

The wonderland right now:

  • A vast grass field with a tiny house that only has a living room in it.
  • The living room has a tv, a couch, a tiny bookshelf and a window. Working on getting more stuff in the house.

 

Edited by Ravii

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24 minutes ago, Ravii said:

 It still kinda feels like I’m parroting him and the responses are expected.

 

The responses are expected because you both share the same brain. Our host didn't like that she could hear what we wanted to say miliseconds before we did. She even dreaded us writing stuff because of this. Maybe in your case is the same as us and you can know the general idea of what he's going to say, but not the exact words until he does.

 

By the way, great art!

Edited by Mirichu

Waka Waka x3

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Thank you for the reply, Mirichu!! 😄

 

 

3 hours ago, Mirichu said:

The responses are expected because you both share the same brain.

 

That makes sense! Thanks for the clarification, I'll keep that in mind.

 

19 minutes ago, Mirichu said:

Maybe in your case is the same as us and you can know the general idea of what he's going to say, but not the exact words until he does.

 

Well, I kind of hit a point a few days ago where I started to question what and how i was forming my “own” thoughts since I’ve never had to question who’s thought is who’s until now. So I don’t even know how I’m forming my own thoughts, if that makes sense? Every thought feels so... automatic and kind of unexpected, and expected at the same time(?). Which, again, is probably how thought works, but I’ve never contemplated about that until now, so it confuses me a little, especially when I’m talking to Keith.

On top of that, because I’ve done a lot of visualization/puppeting/parroting with the stories I write, drawings I draw and the OCs I create, every visualization and parroting technique is pretty automatic from being used to doing it so much.

Which brings me to the question every time, is Keith actually talking to me or am I unintentionally parroting him, like the characters I automatically pilot in my head?

 

I don’t really consider this much of a problem, though; I know if I continue to practice with Keith that I’ll be able to tell the difference between me and him in the future. I'm pretty hopeful, it’s just a little confusing as of now.

 

If I’m not making any sense feel free to call me out, also sorry this is so long lol

It's pretty confusing, but I'm keeping an open mind about it, and although there is a lot of doubt going through my head that I definitely need to work on, I try to keep trusting it's him.

 

19 minutes ago, Mirichu said:

By the way, great art!

 

Thank you!! 😄

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7 hours ago, Ravii said:

On top of that, because I’ve done a lot of visualization/puppeting/parroting with the stories I write, drawings I draw and the OCs I create, every visualization and parroting technique is pretty automatic from being used to doing it so much.

Which brings me to the question every time, is Keith actually talking to me or am I unintentionally parroting him, like the characters I automatically pilot in my head?

 

Are these 'parroting techniques' long and complex sentences or is it mostly just short automatic stuff that you don't have to put much effort into it?

 

 


Waka Waka x3

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1 hour ago, Mirichu said:

Are these 'parroting techniques' long and complex sentences or is it mostly just short automatic stuff that you don't have to put much effort into it?

 

I would say they’re pretty much all short automatic stuff I don’t have to put much effort into.

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Then that's similar to the worries our host had. When she used to be alone in the front, sometimes she'd get automatic responses. We found that these thoughts were never complex, just things such as 'yeah, I think so' or 'that looks neat'. As long as they were short, they'd feel automatic. But if she tried to get these thoughts to have a conversation with her, they would fail and it then became very clear that there was no conscious being behind them.


Automatic thougths may feel like it's not you (I assume it's just the brain answering on its own), but if they start to form more and more complex thoughts while still feeling like it's not you, then I guess it's safe to assume it was your tulpa. Also, technically you can 'parrot' long conversations but I assure you it feels really forced and clearly coming from you. The only reason why short ''parroted'' answers can feel like they're not coming from you is because they're automatic. I guess this is the type of 'parroting' people worry about.


All of what I said above is just to differentiate parroting from your tulpa actually talking (at least the method that works for us). That doesn't mean a young tulpa can't reply with short answers. We mostly did when we were younger. But again, there have been tulpamancers who used parroting techniques and that didn't stop them from developing their tulpas.


Waka Waka x3

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On 2/14/2020 at 6:49 AM, Mirichu said:

Then that's similar to the worries our host had. When she used to be alone in the front, sometimes she'd get automatic responses. We found that these thoughts were never complex, just things such as 'yeah, I think so' or 'that looks neat'. As long as they were short, they'd feel automatic. But if she tried to get these thoughts to have a conversation with her, they would fail and it then became very clear that there was no conscious being behind them.


Automatic thougths may feel like it's not you (I assume it's just the brain answering on its own), but if they start to form more and more complex thoughts while still feeling like it's not you, then I guess it's safe to assume it was your tulpa. Also, technically you can 'parrot' long conversations but I assure you it feels really forced and clearly coming from you. The only reason why short ''parroted'' answers can feel like they're not coming from you is because they're automatic. I guess this is the type of 'parroting' people worry about.


All of what I said above is just to differentiate parroting from your tulpa actually talking (at least the method that works for us). That doesn't mean a young tulpa can't reply with short answers. We mostly did when we were younger. But again, there have been tulpamancers who used parroting techniques and that didn't stop them from developing their tulpas.

 

That's the exact same thing I'm experiencing! Especially with yes/no questions, sometimes it doesn't really feel like the answers are coming from a conscious being, but it just feels like an automatic response. I would ask "why did you pick yes/no?" often, but it usually comes back with silence or a quick short automatic sentence. I guess learning to talk with complex thought processes on both ends comes with practice and time, since I've read from some sources that it's kind of hard for young Tulpas to communicate with long sentences and thoughts, as well as for hosts to openly listen to those responses.

Thank you so much, I'll keep that in mind. This has been really helpful to think about.

 

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It’s the 13th day since I’ve started creating a Tulpa. I kept narrating to him every day but I haven’t really mustered up the time/motivation to active force since 3 days ago. Though I did a pretty good amount of it today and my motivation is returning, so I decided it was a good time to share my progress again.

2 days ago, I did a really quick active forcing session to add a bedroom to our tiny house in our wonderland so we could sleep together (No, not like that, dummy, just to genuinely sleep together.) I thought it would be helpful to do so since every active forcing session I’ve done in bed makes me fall asleep and that isn’t really a kind thing to do to Keith.

The bedroom has a bed in the corner and a window, that’s it. Nothing complex.

 

I also started logging my conversations which I haven’t done until now. I found it useful to help determine what helped and what hasn’t. Here’s a conversation I had with Keith(?) a few days ago while I was driving.

 

Me: (seeing waffle house) Hey, waffles! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear waffles?

Keith: …

Me: Well, it could be a color! I’m thinking of yellow. What about you?

My dumb subconscious: Red

Me: Red? Why so-

My dumb subconscious: Blood

My dumb subconscious: (Gives me a gory bloody image)

Me: … Ohhh boy…

 

I found it kind of funny.

Intrusive thoughts like these are interesting. I remember on the 3rd day of active forcing, I was hanging out with Keith at a beach watching the sunset. We were relaxing and just sitting there until Keith kind of turned… monstrous? Demon-like? Horrific? The wonderland kinda twisted and turned dark and I got pretty scared. I tried to stop it but I couldn’t, so I just stopped active forcing there that day.

I’m pretty sure the reason why this happened was because I was thinking about the “what if Keith turns bad? What if he’s actually a demon?” kind of thing, whoops. These thoughts just come and go, don't they.

 

I started to ask him simple yes/no questions throughout the day yesterday, but I noticed that these responses weren’t really coming from him and there wasn’t a “conscious” behind the answers. I would ask him “why yes/no?“ and I wouldn’t really get an answer, or the answers were short and non-complex, something that I would easily think of.

So today, I did something different.

I used the Tulpa Vocalization Practice worksheet to make Keith think for himself. We did Exercise #7: Describe this character.

After explaining to Keith what we were doing, we started the exercise. Here's one of the interactions we had.

 

Me: Can you describe to me “Damien, a vampire”’s appearance?

Keith: (throws an image of somebody like snake from super smash bros, probably a thought that my subconscious just threw at me)

Me: Mmm, no, try again.

Keith: (Showing me an image of) …A man, with long sharp fangs.

Me: Uh-huh.

Keith: Short hair, long black robe that’s red on the inside.

Me: Mm-hm.

Keith: … Everything is black. (Meaning his clothes)

Me: That’s great! Can you describe his backstory?

Keith: … (silent for a while)

Me: It can be anything! Like, how he became a vampire in the first place. Did he get bit by another vampire? Or did he get into the occult or…

Keith: … (silent)

Keith: He got bit by a vampire.

Me: Ok, great! Let’s try getting more of that backstory in there. What about his family?

Keith: (Shows an image of a 5-6 person family)

Me: So what happened to them?

Keith: They… all became vampires.

Me: How?

Keith: They got bit.

 

The responses he gave were short sentences and they weren’t really that thoughtful, and it wasn't like his personality to answer like he did, but it definitely wasn’t something that I would have thought of. Also, I was trying really hard to stop myself from thinking about the vampire and let Keith talk. I feel like every time I come up for an answer to a question myself first and then ask Keith for another opinion, it just… wouldn’t work, like my initial answer was blocking other opinions from coming in. That being said, I think stopping myself from thinking kinda worked? I was feeling pretty strong about this one. And again, even if it wasn’t actually him, I think it’s safe to say that it won’t hurt to trust that it was him : P

We continued with another 2 characters, each one continuing longer than the other and more thoughtful than the other. I think I’m gonna continue with this exercise.

 

I put a goals section in the topic too. I'm excited to see them crossed out one day.

 

Edited by Ravii

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It’s the 19th day and progress has been crazy. I’m going to sum up what happened.

 

I kept doing the “create this character” exercise on the vocalization sheet after the last progress report. I have to focus on the question a lot, which is kind of a problem. Like, I can’t just let Keith think for himself after asking the question. I had to constantly remind him and even myself on what the question was asking. I guess this is how young Tulpas are?

 

On the 16th day, I decided to do a “continue this story” exercise that’s on the vocalization sheet. Needless to say, I think it worked! Here’s what happened.

So sometimes he talked, sometimes he threw images at me and sometimes he talked in tulpish. I just wrote down a description for the images and interpreted tulpish into words. Also, like I kept doing with the character exercises, I stopped myself from thinking about the question and let Keith talk.

It felt so weird because I usually have to think about the topic to write any kind of sentence, but this time it… all just came so naturally to me. Like I wasn’t thinking at all and I wasn’t turning any gears in my head, but despite that, ideas kept coming. Granted, they weren’t good ideas or anywhere near “thoughtful”, but they were ideas none the less. They were like the ideas Keith threw at me from the last progress report where I logged our conversation, but I didn't ask any additional questions and the conversation was one-sided.

This is probably because he can’t really think complex thoughts for himself yet. My hypothesis is that Keith was just continuously throwing things that came to his or my subconscious mind without interpreting them. I don’t know if that’s really a thing that young Tulpa’s do or struggle with, but it’s the idea that fits the most with my experience.

I’m super excited! Again, I’m not sure if this was my subconscious just spitting the first images that came to it’s mind at me or if it was Keith, or if it was Keith “borrowing” my subconscious and throwing images and words at me. What do you guys think? Either way, I felt like I’ve made significant progress. Even if it wasn’t Keith, I feel like I’ve found a way to relax my brain and just listen to my subconscious, if that makes sense.

I had a mini headache after doing this for 3 times and each time he seemed to end the story earlier and earlier, so I’m guessing he just kept getting tired, which makes perfect sense since it is one of the first times he had to continuously think in complex thoughts.

I’m super proud of him and can’t wait for more progress.

 

That being said, it has been 3 days since then, and I think I’m genuinely speaking to him now and hearing his thoughts and words. They're not complex, but they sound like Keith and it feels like there's a conscious behind the words. It’s still pretty hard because I have to actively listen to him in order to hear him and I’m always the one who’s starting a conversation.

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t done much active forcing except for the 15min I have before I fall asleep at night. But I guess the reason why he’s able to speak a lot is because he’s been practicing for himself. At least, that’s what I heard from him, and I’m super proud of him for doing that.

 

Speaking of feeling proud, I’ve been feeling his happiness sometimes throughout the day. I talked about turning on a particular song and feeling a little too happy few progress reports ago. That’s been happening pretty frequently now, especially when I’m telling him about how happy I am having him as a friend. It’s literally just a burst of happiness amped up with my feelings and it’s been really nice. It’s kind of weird, like I haven’t felt that much of a burst of happiness in a while.

 

I have another short progress story that I want to share. So yesterday when I was doing my 15-minute quick active forcing session in the wonderland, Keith took me somewhere that I didn’t make and wasn’t aware of, outside of the usual wonderland space we hang out in. This was a huge surprise for me and I feel like it was also a huge step in Keith's sentience.

 

That’s all for now. Hopefully after I work on his vocality and sentience a little more, I’ll be able to let Keith talk to you guys 😆 I'm exciteddd

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