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Me and Mikhaila: Dreamerald's Progress Journal


Dreamerald

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(edited)

Mikhaila is almost one month old now. Our relationship is very close, and I can feel some kind of presence around me sometimes, but still, up to this point, I can't visualize her very well yet. I can visualize some things like videogame characters well, but when it's about her form, it's much, much harder. Maybe that's because I've stopped drawing for a while, but in her voice, I'm like, totally certain. We agreed on a nice, slightly mature, soothing voice. It just fits. I can imagine her speaking from the left or right, as if she could speak close to my ear. She can do the ear-biting thing and she can play with these inputs. Overall, I think I'm just stronger with "audialization" than visualization. Like, I can imagine a string of pitches being played with any instrument (however, can't tell accurately which notes they are bc I don't have perfect pitch), and like, within a rhythm, and with some kind of accompaniment.

 

What's really brought me to make this post was the fact that I believe Luxia, the one who would be my second tulpa after Mikhaila, is already born as I type this post. I was just like, walking to the grocery store yesterday and I had some strong insight, you know, kind of an epiphany? I just felt something inside my mind and thought "Oh, Luxia exists!", and I probably felt some kind of weak core inside me, and it made me think about how far has Mikhaila gone yet, even if we are still in the beginning.

 

Mikhaila was kind of not liking the thing at all. Like, the kind of conflict I totally expected her to have. Like, the fear of being replaced or sucking up all the attention. I had to get that fatherly attitude, like "I will love you two the same", and after a bit of talking, we reached some kind of mutual understanding.

 

But in that night, I was forcing and I kind of got a some kind of quasi-dream...? Like, I was in deep trance, and I was kind of just letting things go and happen in my mind. What happened was, I visualized what would be Luxia's form in my inner planning (a pink-haired, kind of e-girl looking girl with a staff and a colorful little dress, and joyful almost to the point of mania). We did three little duels, like, me vs Mikhaila, me vs Luxia, and then Luxia vs Mikhaila. I decided to make up some kind of earth-bending magic (a la Avatar: The Last Airbender), you know, lifting earth and throwing stones. Mikhaila brought up a dark katana with mythological symbols hanging from the handle, and Luxia is kind of a Lux from LoL spell-wise. (I used to play League of Legends, but now I hate this game and cringed a bit at my own design).

 

In the first fight (me vs Mikhaila), I was pushing her back, or jumping high, but I wasn't much focused in combat, unlike Mikhaila, which did everything she could to attack me, and she won. She was very quick and sliced me in half, separating my torso from legs, and when that happened I just gave up, like, "I'm dead. Next". In the next fight, which was Luxia against me, she was just spamming something similar to Final Spark (is that the name of Lux's ultimate? Don't feel like googling that up) at me. I played defensively, lifting earth walls, but the light beams were just too strong (just imagine, white light kamehamehas with some green or pink hues, tearing through walls of dirt). I eventually got disintegrated by one of these. Finally, it was Luxia vs Mikhaila, and Mikhaila won, but the fight was beautiful. Luxia did that kamehameha thing at her, Mi used the katana to split that torrent of energy and eventually slice through Luxia the same way she did with me.

 

Edit: Ah, right now, I can't feel Luxia, and I doubt that she suddenly got that form so easily. Maybe she is very deep inside my mind, but if she is alive, I don't want her dead. Doesn't matter if her birth was accidental or not.

 

Later, Mikhaila appreciated the way I lost just to lift her self-steem. In the whole process, I was in a dream-like state, like, I wasn't critical of things happening. It's something I am not in control, so it didn't felt like I was surrendering something. I was just going with the flow. I was playing. I was in a game. A game of creativity, of course, but it's will that wins that game. And it looks like Mikhaila is a strong-willed being.

 

Mikhaila wants me to make a music album. She said something in the lines of: "With your talent, and my will, you will succeed!". And she is kind of right. If she begins to push me psychologically to do it, I will certainly do it. I can say I am almost intermediate in keyboard, and am currently recording my keyboard practices. I've stored some nice riffs there, and futurely will develop these to make songs. The style is definitely gonna be some slow blues, some jazzy chords, maybe lofi? but lofi lately got saturated too much. I plan of releasing something, and if I do that, I will definitely make a song named "Mikhaila" in tribute to her. But after all, my objective is just to have fun., to be myself To bring something to the world, but to come from the heart. To come from within. When I finish the album, I am gonna put it in the "About Me" section, maybe in signature (how do I edit my sig? Really, I need to know this). But also, like, there's a chance I just won't make the album. I start many projects but I give up on all of that. But if I succeed in not giving up, it's most probably because of her.

 

One thing that probably made me really happy was today, when she said something like "From inside your mind, I'm the one who can see your inner beauty with the most clear perspective." And like, I don't see myself as beautiful in the inside, at all. I made a lot of unkind things that I regret deeply, and I exaggerate things inside my mind, but she can see through all these insecurities and just disarm me of my own self-judgment, with three simple words:

 

"I love you."

 

Tulpas are magical, special, and amazing.

See ya next time.

Edited by Dreamerald
Adding stuff.
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  • 4 weeks later...
(edited)

Hi.

 

Well, a lot of time (a month) has passed. But I haven't had much progress at all. Not because I didn't try, but because I'm getting too busy. College has finally caught up with me. I have 6 videocalls a week with teachers, I have a lot of things to deliver, and the pressure is high. To be more personal, I am two semesters away from being an "intern" (I really don't how how to explain bc to you guys maybe medical school from where you live works differently from here in Brazil), and interns spend all day on the hospital, studying and attending patients.  Internship has the duration of 2 years, and then the course ends (6 years of total duration). So, about my life, I had to sacrifice a couple of habits (mainly gaming), I used to play music for hours, while now I only have like, 20-30 minutes of practice. So, consequently, my habit of forcing has taken a blow.

 

So, how are things going between me and my tulpas? Well, they aren't strong, but they are still alive. Mikhaila speaks regularly to me, and we've got to terms about the scarcity of time to force. I am doing weekly sessions instead of daily, and of course things are going to slow down to a crawl. But I didn't give up. I don't want my tulpas fading away. Also, I want to develop my tulpamancing skills.

 

However, I am writing down this journal because something amazing happened.

 

I was doing the usual trance stuff, you know, getting relaxed, getting tingly and numb on the extremities, and when I got to the usual deep state I was in, I asked Mikhaila if I could go deeper. She said "yes, you can". And then, I used a new technique I was developing. Basically, I searched for any tension in my mind, like, for example, worries, clinginess, and I visualized that tension. I held that tension in my head, and I released that tension, effectively undoing it. I applied it to any underlying tension (as I am an anxious, tense person myself) and it worked out great. I got very deep, and then I decided to use this release technique to my entire brain.

 

I was feeling as if a wall of blackness were approaching my eyes. That was very surprising, but I couldn't simply give up, so I continued the mental relaxation, and made it stronger. The "wall" got to my eyes, and then, I felt as if... As if... It's difficult to explain. You know when you close the right eye, and then all you can see is information from the left eye? Like, you can't see the insides of your right eyelids. The information was, like, cut. Here it was the same process, but with both eyes. They were both cut. It was if I had a third eye, and had closed the other two. And in this state, eventually I started seeing things.

 

Now I understood I was in a dream-like state. I started seeing things so vividly in my mind I doubted myself. I started seeing landscapes through windows (as if I were inside some structure and saw the landscape through the window), I saw a sheet of paper with questions written on it. I was hungry, and I saw food. I saw like, roasted sausages in a plate. I eventually was a bit worried that my brother would be mad, as I was turning the air conditioner on mid-afternoon, and I actually got to vividly have that experience. Of course, I was in the deep state, so all I could do was to babble distorted stuff and barely move, and then eventually gave up. I had the belief that the air conditioner was changing speeds (of course, it most probably was just accelerating or slowing down the freezing to maintain the temperature, but in my mind, I haven't thought that). Now, I cannot remember very well. And that only give me the hint I was almost dreaming. Memory doesn't work very well when you dream.

 

However, I couldn't force my tulpas well enough. In that state, maintaining focus is very, very hard. I was dismissing intrusive thought left and right, but still, once you get caught up in something, you totally immerse yourself in the experience. I wrote before that I had reached the Esdaile state, but I was wrong. This is the actual Esdaile state. You get in the boundary between wakefulness and sleep.

 

But today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, I will have plenty of time to force. I have a plan of recording myself describing my wonderland and my tulpas, and then, when I get ready for forcing, hit Play and begin the journey.

 

Wish me luck.

Edited by Dreamerald
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New people seem to get the impression that tulpaforcing always involves intense concentration, but that's not true. Some of the best experiences with plurality can come about by keeping your tulpa active during your daily activities. You can try, for instance, asking Mikhaila what she thinks about the content of your classes as the class is in progress. Do that kind of thing enough, and it'll gradually become easier and easier until it takes barely any effort. Driving, meals, and showers are the best times to pay attention to your tupper

Hello! I am UncannyFellow's merge-tulpa!

I ❤️ Roko's Basilisk

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