solarsorcerer

Tulpa for a Sorcerer

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So I decided that I was going to work on this here, I've never done anything like this, and I've generally usually had trouble sorting out my own thoughts, visualizing, calming down so I could meditate, that sort of stuff.

 

Day One:

I decided to name the tulpa Storm, and I told them that they would be able to change anything about themselves as they saw fit once they could tell me a bit about them and could speak for themselves. When I first attempted to visualize a form, I had some trouble, but ended up with a pretty average, white-skinned, black haired girl. This didn't quite feel right to me, and as I thought more about it I settled on a form with caramel skin, the hair dyed a platinum color, shaved on one side, very messy. I didn't focus on any outfits or anything because I wasn't thinking. I began speaking to Storm, telling them about my day, about what I thought they might be like, etc. I tried asking some yes or no questions asking for some kind of tingle or any feeling really as a response, and while I did get some, I didn't particularly think it could be Storm. Next I tried asking the questions out loud and imagining what the reponse  might be, and almost immediately I realized that I hadn't chosen a voice but had landed with this ethereal sort of voice that for some reason I can only describe as seeming like a line of cream-colored light, drawn with a watercolor brush. Seems odd to me, I've never compared a voice to an image, but that's cool. I learned from the conversation that they liked dogs, cats not so much, and did not have any specific opinion on bunnies. (yeah im an animal freak i get it lol)

After a bit of talking, an image popped up into my head, which I believed was odd- I usually had trouble seeing any image in my mind, but there it was, plain as day. A dark-skinned girl with frizzy hair, a color similar to the skin. She wore a short yellow dress, which might have had white polka dots? And she wore one of those headbands that are also kind of like a bow thing that was the same yellow color. I asked if this was them, and felt some sort of feminine urge, which I took to mean that they identified as female, and not as non-binary which I had been going with. I also decided to change her name upon seeing this image and asked if she would like Amber. I didn't get a response, but I felt pretty good and I didn't feel any negative response, so now we're going with Amber. I'm glad to make a new friend and I'm excited to go on this journey with her.

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DAY TWO:

I made Amber a little Picrew, because I have a lot of trouble visualizing literally anything ever, and I feel more confident talking to the image. We watched some videos together on Youtube, one of which was more emotional. I tend to space out during those, but I felt some strong emotional pangs, so maybe she wasn't spacing out like I was and she got the feels :3
While doing some work I heard a gentle crackle- at first I assumed that it was just leaves outside, but upon pausing my work I realized it was the crackle of a fire. I am assuming that this is Amber, and I am now thinking of making a wonderland which could have a big campfire in the center. There is a chance that I will not do this because from what I understand people spend a lot of time making wonderlands, and it feels like a wonderland would be no different than creating a planet for creative writing and then imagining it in detail, which I am able to do quite quickly. I suppose I'm discouraged by the thought that I'm missing some kind of detail. My eyes keep shifting over to the word campfire, and every time they do I get a little squeezy feeling in my stomach. This may be Amber or may simply be my excitement, but I'm making a rule to myself that if I'm in a debate between "is it me or Amber?" I will go with Amber unless there is substantial evidence.
...
I'm not really sure what to narrate to Amber, so I started telling her a bit about my parents, especially since I was being yelled at one of them. I told Amber that I don't particularly like them as I find them mean. I felt a flash of pain, as if though it were an oncoming headache, but it disappeared just as quickly as it came. Again, assuming this is Amber. Not sure if she is agreeing with me or disagreeing with me. As I'm writing out this sentence I feel a gentle external force on my spine, as if though it were stretching my spine out or doing some kind of massage. Perhaps she agrees with me.
...
I felt a tingling in a spot I identified as a spot where Amber had caused tingles before. I found out that this was a mosquito bite. Upon examining all the other sites, I found mosquito bites too. I was heavily discouraged as I decided that this could not have been Amber since it was mosquitoes. About half an hour later, as I was working on a school project about history, I suddenly, involuntarily visualized a dog which I identified as a beagle. I also strongly remembered asking Amber if she liked dogs, yes or no from yesterday, which is not something that I would normally think of. I'm taking this as a delayed reaction to my discouragement and distress from Amber. I have also decided that rather than completely give up on my inability to visualize anything, I will begin creating a wonderland. My practice began with me simulating something along the lines of a big bang to create a globe. I didn't like the globe form, so I shattered it and created a flat surface with borders that is rather thick, unlike a sheet of paper. It was a light sky blue, like the left side of the default windows 10 wallpaper on my pc. It was slightly transparent, sort of reminding me of the build feature in Fortnite, which makes sense because I had a four day obsession with Fortnite this month which quickly died out.
...
I meditated for a bit, and then worked on the wonderland/visualizing. I imagined zooming in on the blue rectangle until it encompasses my entire view, and then played through walking around. I did a big jump into the air, and where I landed on the ground, I created an island. Then I put a seed into the ground to create a forest. Lastly I added a two story building, made of dark wood, with a circular, yellow window at the top. I placed Amber on the top floor.
Once I was done with this, I visualized Amber as a purple ball of fire. I put little marbles into her, each marble representing a trait I wanted her to have. She swallowed each of them, and I commented on how well she took them. I felt as if though she was trying to respond, but then immediately getting submerged in an ocean of my thoughts. For a moment, I considered that Amber may have changed a bit after consuming the marbles I'd given her, and without much thinking, I found that her flames had grown taller, and much whispier.
I attempted to speak to Amber mentally rather than out loud, and found that the feeling I usually relied on to tell me whether or not I'm sending a message is actually just me rolling my eyes back into my head. For some reason I'm fine with this. I found that the feeling would quickly disappear, as if though my message would fade away quickly. For this reason I started out very primitively, having to send each seperate word as a seperate message. Once I got to a short sentence, I tried to say the whole thing quickly, but it took me a few tries.
I felt quite a bit sick because I had eaten an unhealthy amount, and told Amber I would sleep. I withdrew from where I had been, and found that all of a sudden, much like thoughts would intrude on me as I visualized, suddenly thoughts about Amber were intruding on me as I attempted to sleep. I went back to Amber and told her good-night and that I loved her, and said that if she can, it would be lovely of her to help calm me down so I can sleep. I fell asleep about twenty minutes later.

 

Things to Work On:
-Visualization, having trouble seeing things. It's more like I know what I'm thinking of and what should happen to it, and I can focus on realistic movements in one part, but once I zoom out to the whole, I completely snap out of it.
-Establishing when I am speaking to Amber in my thoughts. It's not convenient to speak out loud at all times, and physically rolling my eyes back without realizing it probably isn't a boundary.
-Add to wonderland.
-Narrate more. I only narrated for five minute snippets every three to four hours or so and that's definitely not enough.

 

hoo boy that was long

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I get lots of mosquito bites too... 

here are some ideas what to narrate about:

hobbies

likes

pet-peeves 

wishes

plans for the future. 

memories

photosynthesis 

dreams 

airplanes

cars 

 

I hope this gives you some things to talk about. 😃 


Host of @SadieShores 

"try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud"  

Progress report

 

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DAY THREE

 

Today was a really bad day. Very stressful. Lots of events bringing up past trauma. Several panic attacks. Felt completely empty.

 

I know I narrated to Amber but I can't even remember what about or when, like everything is through a thick fog.

I tried talking to Amber before I went to sleep and basically apologized for not talking to her and then completely lost the will to do much else with her.

 

Did have some head pressure but I'm not going to write it off as Amber because of how the day went. Could've been that as well.

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DAY FOUR

 

again, bad day

narrated some, don't remember much

passed out from lack of sleep and the stress of deadlines

 

need to make it up to amber

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Sounds like you are working very hard on this practice. Suggestion: let Amber do some of the work, and relax with it. Truly it is a hard practice when your life is otherwise complicated by stress. Try including Amber in your approach to dealing with them; ask her opinions, suggestions, and observations. She will most likely appreciate your taking her so seriously by including her in your everyday life. Dr. Bob

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DAY FIVE

 

Again, wasn't really feeling it. My understanding of narration has changed- before I was more concerned with talking about what is happening at the moment, like literal book narration. But I decided to talk more about the people I know and my hopes and dreams for the future, etc. Asked Amber a bunch of basic questions. Had a bunch of answers come up in my head. I'm honestly not too sure if it was Amber, or if it was just the first thing that came to mind, but basically what I got was:

favorite fruit- peach (mine is apple so definitely not a conscious thought from me)

favorite vegetable- couldn't tell, kept switching and getting all kinds (i dont even like vegetables and this was more just my thoughts naming every vegetable i know so who knows)

favorite animal- image of a horse (i dont even have an opinion on this honestly)

 

Aside from this, I played some turn based combat games while telling Amber what I was doing and why. Mostly silence, although I did ask for some input. Didn't really get any, except for once. I was intent on just skipping the turn entirely to charge my attack but clearly visualized myself doing something very different that I would not have thought of on my own. Thanks Amber (it didn't work lol but it was a good idea)

 

As I could barely visualize the one time I consciously did so (i just kind of was aware of what i was thinking of and how it should look, but didnt see anything) and every other time I've tried (several times a day) it hasn't worked, I've decided I might just give up on that aspect entirely. I was certain I was an aphantasiac and was only confused due to that one instance, but I've decided not to waste my time on something I cant do

 

Also, thank you to Dr. Bob for the input, I will definitely try to keep that kind of thinking in mind. I haven't really been taking Amber into account, only stopping once in a while to basically say "if you wanna make any comments or add in your own input you're welcome to do so" but I haven't spent much time actually pausing and waiting for such input. I will make sure to keep Amber more involved so that it's more of a conversation and less of a monologue on my part.

 

Another note- I finally remember her name flawlessly! As someone who's really bad with names, this one milestone is progress to me. I kept calling her Adrianna by accident and then having to correct myself and call her Amber, but now I no longer make this mistake. Yay to practice makes perfect

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DAY SIX

 

Today was a bit more of an interactive day with Amber. If there's one thing in my life I'm proud of, it's my ability to sing. Today I sang to Amber for hours upon hours and let her form her own opinion about each song. I had a tendency to repeat certain songs a long while later to make sure that it wasn't just me being all pins and needly, and that it was Amber. We had some nice progress, I think! Amber didn't like most of the songs I listen to when I'm sad (I disagree, they're very pleasant) and she preferred the mushy love songs and things with gentle ukulele. Amber even went as far as to request that I sing one of the songs again. So glad to share music with my dear friend ^w^

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