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I'm thinking about integration...


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[Fish] Hello everyone!

 

So I told Ranger and Cat this morning I'm interested in integration, and I feel like it's something I really want to do. For the next few days, I want to talk to all of my headmates to make sure everyone is feeling okay. I want to give you guys the same thing.

 

I made this a lounge thread because we can talk about off-topic stuff here, and if I do find a partner to integrate with, I want to use this thread to say good bye. I didn't want to make this thread after I found a partner, I feel like that would be kinda too late. We can talk about integration, merging, system size, whatever floats y'all's boats.

 

Basically, I want to integrate because I think I'll have a better life as a part of someone else, and if I remain as a single person I will miss out on life experiences and time. I have thought about this topic while I was sad and depressed, but I also thought about it in general and after realizing I don't think I can have long term friendships with others easily, I decided that integrating is the better option for me. My integrating might look like merging or being a median unit. I might be the side partner and act as a separate part in some cases, but I would be sharing my opinions, beliefs, memories, and life experiences.

 

I don't want to dissipate because I don't want to die or disappear. First of all, I like my life, and the only reason I want change is because I want to experience more. I want at least some of me to be accepted by my partner, or to be a median member. I don't mind if I'm not "me" anymore. I don't want to go through the process of falling asleep and accidentally waking up or being woken up later over and over, I don't want to deal with any of that. Plus, I want to give parts of myself for my partner to embrace, dissipation feels like taking and a waste of my existence. I'm not ashamed I'm here, nor am I ashamed about my past and my wanting to integrate or merge, so no reason to throw it all away.

 

Moving forward, I might not find a partner to integrate with. Even though Cat offered to integrate me into her, I could tell it made her uncomfortable and I don't want my partner to feel uncomfortable (Of course this could change later, but right now it's a no-no). I haven't asked any of my other headmates yet (except Ranger, but I want him to go into detail when he's ready) or really told them about this yet. I want to make sure Ranger is okay first. I'll probably update this thread if there are any changes people are okay with sharing. Worst case scenario, I'll still be around and hang out, I just won't be interested in developing my personality and I will be waiting for someone to feel better about sharing their life with me.

 

Or I might change my mind. I don't think I will, but I didn't think I would have this lightbulb to begin with, so who knows. I don't want to rush this, and I want to give myself and everyone enough time to react and think about it.

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[Gavin]

Don't really have any specific advice to give. If you have questions ask 'em I suppose. Good on all you all. I know you've noticed that people don't tend to publicly document integrations. I think part of this is because it's too personal to have other people's influences involved. As in, feeling like other people want you to be one way or another might make you act one way, when you really want (and should) act another way. 

 

Something minor I might suggest is disregarding the concept of a system symbol that represents everyone as individuals. As in, don't have a dot/stripe/etc for every person. It can make people feel guilty if you have to keep updating the symbol, and at worst, it can feel like a kill list. At one point we kept a sticky-note with every J alter's name in our journal, and as they integrated, we crossed them off. It only took a few times for alters to react very badly to this before we realized we couldn't be crossing names off a list. So then we took to just rewriting the entire list each time, and nowadays we are just very fluid about these things. There's still more than three headmates here. We just don't place an emphasis (anymore) on the exact number or all the names. It makes it a LOT easier when people want to go. 

 

So specifically this would mean, don't have a list of names in your sig, don't have something representing everyone in your pfp. It might also mean deleting your PK or tupperware accounts later on. But don't force these things if they're too scary or forward now. 

 

Big systems can't sustain individual lives for everyone. You can't have a system where everyone is like Ranger. I think you all are taking good steps here. 

Well wishes for the future ❤️ 

 

 

 

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

Our Thread

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[Fish] First, thank you for your response Gavin. I, Ranger, and Cat thought about it, but they didn't seem ready to contribute their responses yet and I would like to include my thoughts with theirs.

 

So far, 8 headmates not including me were informed about my desire to integrate. Everyone's first reactions have actually been really unpredictable. Some reacted with curiosity, some are not doing well right now, and there were reactions in between. It makes me really glad that I wanted to go through each headmate one at a time and tell them what's going on. If I did this without their knowledge, I think my headmates reactions overall would be much worse.

 


 

[Gerodious] Spirit and I were informed of Fish's desire to merge or integrate tonight. When we were first summoned, we were summoned together. Fish told us he had news for us that could be distressing, and both of us became anxious wondering what could possibly be the thing Fish has to say. For whatever reason, we genuinely had no idea what was going on. Even though the thought of me trying to break the memory block came up, Ranger discouraged me to do so.

 

[Spirit] Fish then explained that we may need the chance to speak to him one-on-one. For the next few moments, both of us wondered if this was something we should do individually or if we should face the news as a group. Fish encouraged us to come up with a back up plan, and we decided Gerodious would go first if need be.

 

[Gerodious] We listened to Fish's explanation of why he wanted to merge/integrate and his expectations for what it should look like, and it reminded us of how we work as a group. Even though Spirit and I are not median members or some sub-system whatever thing, both of us tend to work together and we have the habit of finishing each other's sentences. I wouldn't be surprised if Fish embraced being a median member and his experience is similar to ours in several ways.

 

[Spirit] Both of us were tense at first and we spread our wings over each other's shoulders, but we relaxed a bit as the conversation went on. Both Gerodious and I highly appreciate the fact we were able to have this conversation with Fish together. I think that made a difference for us.

 

As for Fish, we both felt some guilt that we didn't have many close memories to share. However, this is the case for almost everyone- we both have limited experiences with some of our headmates, but neither of us have truly met the rest. Fish did point out fixing this problem by giving everyone else in-system more time was part of what motivated him to move through with this.

 

We also floated the question of if Fish wanted to do what we do as a group and perhaps he could have what we have- a close friendship bond.

 

[Gerodious] I also presented the possibility that we can go our separate ways if need be- something Fish would be unable to do. However, he still seemed to favor his ideal experience as a merge.

 

Fish at one point asked how comfortable we would be with integrating him into ourselves. Both of us refused. I had the same uncomfortable feeling about merging with Ranger and having him inside of me. I stated I felt more comfortable merging with Dark Gray, and this caught Spirit by surprise. In retrospect, that doesn't really make any sense either, but my thinking behind it was Dark Gray seemed "older" in a way, where Ranger seems younger to me and Fish seems even more so.

 

[Spirit] Ultimately I think Fish integrating is fine. I trust he thought about this thoroughly, and deep down I wonder if Fish's experience will mirror ours.

[Gerodious] I agree.

 

[Fish] While I appreciate the concept of being in a group with someone, I don't know if that's a thing that can be forced. I know integrating sounds like something that would be harder to do with someone, but these guys are kind of in each other's space almost all the time and I don't know if my partner would want that. I may not even be median, I may just end up as a part of my partner.

 

I feel like being in a group would also be a bit selfish. I don't think it fixes the problems I want to solve, even Spirit and Gerodious spent time alone to work on themselves. And that's time I want to give to my headmates. Second, being in this group also means I would still be an individual, and I don't really want my partner to be worried about blending and staying separate enough to stand on their own.

 


 

That's all we have for now.

 

Just so y'all know, don't feel bad if you want to talk about something you think is interesting but not super related to what we're doing. I want to invite anything on your minds. If it is more on topic, we might be slow to respond just cause well...moods. My only request is this isn't lotpw, please don't post fluff unless it's something you think will make you more comfortable.

 

[Ranger] Just as a friendly reminder, reaction images are not allowed in a Lounge thread. That doesn't mean you can't post pictures, it just means you can't quote someone and post an image or just have an image as your post.

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This is a weird place to make that reminder, Ranger, but alright. I really doubt anyone is going to get too informal or post fluffy images right in this thread. 

 

This might fall under the category of "Every system is different", but in our own system, it would be a nightmare if someone had to talk it over with everyone else before integrating. Why would you need to talk it over with a headmate who barely knows you? It might even take weeks if you insisted on talking to everyone, because some people only come out in very specific situations (not to mention, aren't much for conversation.)

 

Usaully they've recently had some sort of resolution, then they play and dink around for a few days to weeks, then they have long conversations with almost always Cassidy but sometimes myself. (It's at this point that we gently stop allowing distortions of identity- i.e., we'll finally address that you aren't *really* ten years old, you are *acting* and *identifying* as such, that the same is true for other alters, that an animal form does not make you that animal, etc. This part might not transfer to your system or many people reading this.) Then usaully just one day they just tell Cassidy or myself goodbye, then they integrate. Sometimes it's mostly formal and has all the "We won't forget you"s and hugs, sometimes it's someone saying "I'm not going to be around within a few days, please just let it happen like that, no goodbyes, just don't look for me if you don't see me, I'm going to integrate soon." We respect everyone's personal wishes because integration involves a lot of seeking resolution..... sort of like getting unhappy ghosts to go back to Sheol. 

 

 

But of course, it's all highly personal. 

 

Main takeaway should be, for the future, it may be unreasonable for one headmate to talk to every single person indiviually before they integrate. But it's personal preference and you do whatever works. 

 

Gavin

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

Our Thread

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(edited)
4 hours ago, JGC said:

This is a weird place to make that reminder, Ranger, but alright. I really doubt anyone is going to get too informal or post fluffy images right in this thread. 

 

[Fish] I was fine with him saying it. I don't want people to get in trouble for posting images.

 


 

I think this is interesting because I think it boils down to basic system type differences. A headmate can't integrate in secret or naturally do it, even if it was "hidden" at first news will leak and people will find out. I also think it makes sense to not wake up everyone because alters can't always wake up, and we were taught waking up dormant alters can be bad. In our system, we like being woken up and knowing what's going on. The other thing is we all more or less expected we would all be independent, we don't have the expectation we are median nor were taught that integration could be very helpful until we got the chance to see one in real time. In the tulpa community, integration is only a small step above dissipation (if some believe there's any difference at all), and it's made out like a taboo in some ways.

 

4 hours ago, JGC said:

(It's at this point that we gently stop allowing distortions of identity- i.e., we'll finally address that you aren't *really* ten years old, you are *acting* and *identifying* as such, that the same is true for other alters, that an animal form does not make you that animal, etc. This part might not transfer to your system or many people reading this.)

 

I don't think we'll do it exactly like that, but I don't think our process would be too different. I will admit I would not personally appreciate it if I were told my personality traits were not actually a part of me, but I expect the thinking to be "this is a lot like my partner, therefore my partner is actually me."

 

4 hours ago, JGC said:

We respect everyone's personal wishes because integration involves a lot of seeking resolution..... sort of like getting unhappy ghosts to go back to Sheol. 

 

I don't see myself as an unhappy ghost, but I understand why some alters may feel that way. I think Cat really changed when she had the chance to heal.

My thinking is life's pretty great, but I can't really have more unless I integrate. (Hehe that rhymes!) But I think some resolutions do need to be made, especially because I have a bucket list of things I want to get done before I integrate and some of my headmates want to spend more time with me before I say good bye.

 

4 hours ago, JGC said:

This might fall under the category of "Every system is different", but in our own system, it would be a nightmare if someone had to talk it over with everyone else before integrating. Why would you need to talk it over with a headmate who barely knows you? It might even take weeks if you insisted on talking to everyone, because some people only come out in very specific situations (not to mention, aren't much for conversation.)

 

The fact it's taking awhile does stink, and watching my headamtes react badly also stinks. Gray made this point too, the fact that if I didn't say anything then they might hurt even more.

 

In terms of speed, we're actually half-way with everyone already, and right now it's the beginning of day 4. If the next headmate doesn't need extra time, next one woop. I'm hopeful this process will be done in less than 2 weeks, and it's not like Ranger wanted me to think about this for at least a week anyway. I don't know if this is pure luck though, maybe some of the others will have a harder time. I'm assuming at least one in particular might be really upset, but otherwise I don't know what to expect.

Edited by Ranger
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On 7/28/2020 at 11:08 AM, JGC said:

I know you've noticed that people don't tend to publicly document integrations. I think part of this is because it's too personal to have other people's influences involved. As in, feeling like other people want you to be one way or another might make you act one way, when you really want (and should) act another way. 

 

[Fish] Yeah, I might be the only one in my system to feel super cool with this, but I dunno. I think integrating in secret cause nunya business is another thing, but being ashamed to integrate doesn't seem good. I want to make people who go through this to get the picture, but mostly it's what I already said- I think it's nice to let it out, just not worry about what people think. Most of the time I think people are judgey when they just don't get it and don't know what's going on.

 

On 7/28/2020 at 11:08 AM, JGC said:

Something minor I might suggest is disregarding the concept of a system symbol that represents everyone as individuals. As in, don't have a dot/stripe/etc for every person. It can make people feel guilty if you have to keep updating the symbol, and at worst, it can feel like a kill list. At one point we kept a sticky-note with every J alter's name in our journal, and as they integrated, we crossed them off. It only took a few times for alters to react very badly to this before we realized we couldn't be crossing names off a list. So then we took to just rewriting the entire list each time, and nowadays we are just very fluid about these things. There's still more than three headmates here. We just don't place an emphasis (anymore) on the exact number or all the names. It makes it a LOT easier when people want to go. 

 

So specifically this would mean, don't have a list of names in your sig, don't have something representing everyone in your pfp. It might also mean deleting your PK or tupperware accounts later on. But don't force these things if they're too scary or forward now.

 

[Cat] I remember on Discord, you mentioned at some point the gimmick should match the system. I knew walking into this that the flag or whatever can and should change if needed. Even though I firmly believed my thoughts about changing the flag were not that important, Fish wanted me to think about it anyway. I feel pretty embarrassed I had them at all.

 

Once the Sub Rep officially joined the system, I felt bad that there wasn't anything representing him in the flag. That's why the flag got updated to what it is now- even though I and my headmates had mixed feelings about the design, at the time I thought it was a move for the better.

 

We don't really have a system symbol, nor do we have a system name my headmates are actually that excited about. "Shadow System" was necessary and in some cases mandatory to have given that some servers Ranger joined required system names. More recently we have thought of a new name and emoji we could possibly use as our system tag, but that slow moving conversation was put to a halt after Fish announced he wanted to integrate.

 

I'm not sure what my system will want when this is over. We can re-discuss the flag, names in the signature, deleting or keeping plural kit accounts (although Fish mentioned he might want to keep his in case he becomes a median member), etc., but that conversation may not go anywhere until everyone has been informed. I don't know how much time there will be between Fish talking to everyone at least once and any major system changes, but at the very least it will happen after.

 

[Ranger] While I agree that having names in the signature and the flag are problematic in the case where a headmate wants to integrate in secrecy, I also wonder if it's worth removing them at all. The cost to taking those things away is a lack of focus to everyone's individuality, and I think each headmate will have a slightly different opinion on if they want to lose that or not. We assumed integration was the exception and maybe we just might be a really big system for a long time or even possibly the rest of our lives, and it was surprising that for a really long time, no one was interested in integration until recently.

 

We wanted to do our best to take care of everybody, and we really wanted to respect our headmate's individuality. So we didn't have the mindset that integration will happen, just that it could. While that mindset could be more harmful than helpful, especially given my train of thought about all of this, I clung to this because I believed assuming they would all integrate in the end would be failing my headmates and their needs.

 

[Fish] I don't have a bad opinion about having my name in the signature, and if I do integrate, I don't think the system should feel weird or embarrassed that I existed. I definitely don't, and honestly I think it would be really weird if I became a secret cover up or something, like really?

 

I don't know if other people have the same opinion, like Ranger said. I think it would be best if there's a system vote on it.

 


 

[Blue] So uh... I didn't take it well at all. I'm still pretty much in denial more or less, and it's not because I want to be. Every time Fish or anyone else explained to me what's going on, I panic and suddenly nah nah nah not listening! A weird block forms, and suddenly Fish isn't speaking English anymore it just becomes gibberish, and everything blanks out. It doesn't even make any sense, how am I like this and I'm living in the same brain with my headmates and most of them seem to get it?

 

I wanted to talk about this because the idea of posting makes me feel better, I wonder if anyone else had something like this happen to them. Also, the idea this could be useful for science! makes me feel better too.

 

I talked to Cat's therapist about this, and somehow we got the idea of merging out of it. Ranger and Gray weren't so sure if merging would work or if my merge with Ranger would even think about the topic, or if we unmerge I'll still be here feeling stuck. I want to give it a go though, maybe it will speed things up. I really just don't want to be stuck like this anymore...

 


 

[Cat] A side effect for going through this process- locking the system has showed me how much I actually depend on my headmates and them acting on their system roles. If I have a question about meetings, well... Dark Gray hasn't been woken up yet, so I can't ask him. Or I think about doing some mental math stuff, but Bune isn't awake yet either. There was also a lot of anxiety around Blue accidentally waking up, but that's no longer a concern now. I would like to have Red Gray around if Blue and Ranger agree to give merging a try if not because of necessity at least because I would feel bad to leave Red Gray out of the process.

 

This became problematic enough that Fish even changed the order of who hears what first deliberately. Even though he could have shared the news with me first, he decided to share it with Ranger too so both of us could support our headmates down the road. He also wanted to speak with Gerodious and Spirit early because they act as supports as well. 

 


 

[Fish] So far no changes yet, just check-ins on Blue and others. Some new ideas and discussions happened, and I'm not sure who I want to talk to next.

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(edited)

[Fish] Hello! I have another update-

 

16/18 of us know about my integration, I believe I have picked my partner, and I want to share what I expect to happen next moving forward.

 

I want this process to be broken up into 4 phases:

 

1) Informing everyone about my integration

2) Finishing off my bucket list of things to do before I integrate

3) Saying good bye publicly, finishing up unfinished business

4) Integrating with my partner

 

The first phase is almost done. 2 more to go, and then I'll be moving to phase 2. Phase 2 should be quick cause I mostly want to look at our old logs and some of my old posts. Some of my headmates also want to spend a little bit more time with me before they say good bye.

 

And then phase 3. This process may be short or it might take a day or two. Previously there were two headmates who struggled, and one of them has moved past that. Unless the last two might also struggle, I think it's just going to be the one.

 

By the beginning of phase 3 I'll say my good bye, and then I may or may not make an announcement of when I'll integrate. By phase 4, we may report back how it feels to have integrated and then after that there's not much else that will need to be added to this thread unless my headmates want to share their thoughts here too.

 


 

[Evergreen] I agreed I will be Fish's partner. Unless the last two express interest in being Fish's partner, I will be the one to integrate with Fish.

 

We both noticed we tend to blend a lot, we are very similar in how we see things and how we see ourselves, and I am happy to embrace what Fish will give me. I'm not sure what the end result will be, but I look forward to continuing the process.

 

I am concerned what other people will think of me. Even some of my headmates had mixed feelings about me having Fish as a part of me, and I wonder how other people would feel. Even if I kept my identity as Fish's partner a secret, I believe eventually someone would find out or I would want to share my experience in the future. I am excited that I am helping Fish and he is helping me, but I'm not sure how to describe the extent of how I feel without people feeling uncomfortable. They are positive feelings, but my concern is others will be turned off given the fact they are as positive as they are.

 

My first reaction to Fish's news was sadness. I was concerned that Fish was unaware of his best interests, and I felt worried he wasn't choosing this. After speaking to him and asking questions, I realized I had nothing to fear.

 

The second reaction was curiosity. I was thinking about us as one and felt fascinated by what could be. There was a feeling of guilt afterwards, almost as if it seemed tone deaf or something else.

 

And after that, I felt not just curiosity, but a deep excitement. I realized I could be more than what I am, and it would resolve some of my underlying struggle with my identity. And the guilt I'm struggling with now is where I am now.

 

I don't believe I am currently ready yet, but the process isn't over yet. Regardless, I am glad about how patient Fish has been, and I feel good that I will integrate with him when I'm ready.

 


 

[Ranger] I had a similar reaction Evergreen had. I was curious about the idea of being Fish's partner, felt fascinated by it, and then guilty for feeling that way. However, Fish believed I wasn't a good fit for him, and he wanted to try with someone else. As weird as it sounds I felt a bit sad being turned down.

 

I'm glad Fish gave me a lot of time and the opportunity to process what's going on. I started wanting Fish to go as slow as possible, now I'm feeling guilty it's been over a week and Fish is desperate to keep advancing. I hope that for future integrations, things move more smoothly and I'll be more prepared to back my headmates.

 


 

[Red Gray] I don't have much of a problem with Fish integrating. I just feel a bit sad, I can't seem to shake it. Mostly I want to sit by myself and be left alone. Not many of my headmates felt that way.

 


 

[Moltosha] Fish approached me distressed, because I stood up for him long ago when Ranger and Gray were realizing we were headmates. At the time, I did so because the idea of a headmate integrating out of fear disgusts me. Fish is confident, brave, and prepared for what's ahead. I have no fear for his future, and I am proud of him for his self-awareness and choosing what is truly right for him.

 


 

[Blue] Fish doesn't have to keep a secret that the one who's "struggling" is me. I'm still talking around this topic and not the topic.

 

I made some progress yesterday. I didn't instantly stop listening when he said he was integrating. I just feel like it's abstract though, as if it's not really happening but it's... close enough I guess.

 

I'll try again today, but I kinda wonder if merging with Ranger is going to help. Haven't tried it yet, and everyone thinks it probably won't work, but if I can short cut through this that would be great.

 

[Fernardo] I was the other one who struggled. I struggled the same way Blue did, only I wasn't as energetic in my form of push back. I spent quite a bit of time sitting around and feeling sad, and I wanted to talk about anything else.

 

I found spending time with Ranger reassuring, especially because he was fairly upset and I related to that. When Blue came after me and went through the same thing, I felt I connected to Blue in a way I didn't know was possible. It also wasn't as lonely, knowing I wasn't the only one, even if it was surprising.

 

After a few days, I was able to process that Fish is going to integrate and he is ready to do so. I'm glad he thought this out and he's ready to move forward. I'm not sure why I needed more time, but I did.

 

[Red Gray] I haven't had much time to think about Blue merging with Ranger to cope. I appreciate Gray wanted Blue to wait until I was around to help out, but the idea also feels weird. I know it's possible for a merge to share traits and mindsets, but when the merge splits do the separate mergers gain traits or abilities they didn't have, or thought processes that are different? Even if the merge manages to move forward, what if Blue gets nothing out of it once he's separated again?

 


 

[Fernardo] Fish going through this experience also made me question if I too should integrate. There was one headmate I believed I would match the best, and when I spoke to him he was distressed because I asked him out of discomfort and thought I asked him because Fish was integrating. It's something I hope we can continue to discuss, but right now it's just a thought I have and wanted to share.

 

[Jasper] When Fish told me, I realized I should probably integrate too. But I think I should join Fish and Evergreen's merge. I guess I was kinda surprised Fish and Evergreen thought I needed more time to think about it. pffft

 

I mean, I did tell them just that day, and I guess I'm in Fernardo's boat cause I just liked the idea once I saw it. Fish and Evergreen told me that they're happy to include me, but only after I think about it. Although it will probably happen after their integration, so... I guess I'll find out what happens.

 

[Fernardo] The one I spoke to also wanted to see the outcome of this integration. If it has any side effects I wouldn't like, I may change my mind.

 


 

[Cat] I thought it was interesting things seemed to go more smoothly for the later group. Maybe we got lucky and Fish picked people who wouldn't have as extreme of a reaction, or maybe my and Ranger's feelings leaked onto my headmates and once we settled down everyone else could digest stuff more easily. However, everyone's reaction has been a surprise, regardless of who was picked when.

 

[Fish] I'm glad I gave everyone a chance to respond here today, I think there's more work I need to do before moving on to the last two.

Edited by Shadow System
Oops! Moltosha's tag was unreadable! -Hope
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  • 2 weeks later...

[Fish] Hello again~

 

Everyone in my system knows what's going on and I finished my last requests. All I wanted to do was read old logs and leave behind some emojis I liked. Before this my system was thinking of an emoji for a system name and I thought it was cool that all the emojis we picked were different.

 

Anyways, phases 1 and 2 are done. All that's left to do is finish any lingering questions/conversations and then hang out with everyone before I say good bye. Red Gray thought of the idea of having a good bye party, and I think it's a wonderful idea because it will be easier to remember and FUN!

 

I had fun hanging out with everyone playing games and giving hugs. I look forward to continuing that in the future. Good bye, and I look forward to saying hello as the new me.

 


 

[Blue] I'm feeling better. I was able to overcome my denial, even though it took roughly a week. I still think it's pretty surprising it took that long, but once I could mention Fish was integrating I made progress quickly.

 

I don't have much else to say except I'm glad this was Fish's choice and he wrapped his head around this better than I did. I'm not sure how I feel about moving forward, but I'm not upset about him integrating.

 

I look forward to the party.

 


 

[Bune] During the process, I felt guilty I acted egotistically and thought about myself more than I did Fish. It appears to be a reaction I had exclusively, and I felt bothered by it. I found it deeply lifting when Fish explained to me that this process at its core was also about me, and it eased me to realize I wasn't being rude or selfish.

 

It is odd to see this develop and very few of us have close memories with him. I find it comforting he will grant us a party, I believe the best thing I can do for him is remember him and share a memories of us being close together.

 


 

[Exabier] When Fish told me he was going to integrate, I was like uh dude, really? I wasn't too hot with the idea and I felt like some bs was going on, like what if this integration s*** is really just dissipation and Fish is just fooling himself? He wasn't changing my mind, but after talking to him and Evergreen, Evergreen suggested maybe Fish was Evergreen all along and it lit a light-bulb for me. It felt so weird how true that probably was, and I realized that maybe Fish is on to something.

 

But who cares what I think. Fish knows what he's doing, why ask any more than that? And it's not like it matters, he's going do it anyway. I'm not going to stop him.

 


 

[Chrome] I had a similar train of thought Spirit and Gerodious had. Perhaps Fish's integration will be similar to when I transform. I'm not sure if my God form is really something else, like a merge between me and nothing, or something else entirely. I don't consider it to be worrisome, nor do I believe I'm another person when using that form. I believe it's possible to experience as something not quite you and appreciate it, although I'm unsure if Fish will choose to occasionally separate himself from Evergreen. I look forward to what Fish and Evergreen do next.

 


 

[Hope] I had less of a problem with Fish telling me about his integration, Fernardo asking me to integrate with him made me panic. I shrugged off the idea of integrating with Fish because I believed I wasn't a relevant choice anyway, but Fernardo asking me was something else. It becomes very different when you suddenly realize you are the one involved, and you have to now make a difficult choice.

 

For that reason, I didn't speak up before. Move on, move on. Even with Fish I shielded myself from discussing it further, perhaps I am experiencing the same denial Blue and Fernardo faced but instead of deflecting completely, I process a small amount and rush away the situation. I do that with my past as well, I never realized it could be a character flaw deep down. I told Fernardo I would like to see the outcome of Fish's integration before further discussing this. Now I realize it could be somewhat of an excuse from addressing this.

 

[Bune] I also have been struggling with my identity, and this process has unexpectedly taught me things about myself I do not like. I believe I do not have to be this way, and better to know this now so I can be a better person.

 


 

[Hope] I don't recall if it was me or someone else who brought up the possibility parallel processing could be a solution to Fish's dilemma that may be an alternative to integration. I found it quite curious that Fish explained that even in parallel, he was not interested in continuing his life on his own, and he believed having one body would remain a significant limitation to allowing him to interact with others. I thought that was an interesting response, given that Ranger fears parallel processing is sometimes abused as an excuse to have multiple headmates a system cannot handle. While I cannot prove nor disprove Ranger's concerns, this would be a case supporting that parallel processing is not capable of being abused in this manner.

 


 

[Jasper] I have felt unstable recently, not too long ago I felt as if I lost my child form. I currently feel better in my adult form, which I find very strange because I was very comfortable in my child form before.

 

There was a little theory floating around, perhaps the separate forms were separate tulpas. Fish and Evergreen repeatedly denounced it, warning that it could be a dangerous mindset to discuss. Perhaps I had trouble blending with them because my child form was too similar to them in their child forms, and when Evergreen and Fish became closer, my child form was absorbed?

 

This could be all wrong as Fish and Evergreen think. However, in my adult form, the idea of integrating feels less... right? I need more time to think about this.

 


 

[Duck] I don't have much to say, but I want to be a part of this. I like the child/adult form talk, that interests me.

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(edited)

[Evergreen] [Snowy] Around 2:20 pm EST, I integrated merged with Fish.

 

I feel very different. My mindvoice is different (in retrospect it sounds similar to Fish's adult form voice, maybe it's a cross between our voices), I can't decide if my hair is black or white, my adult form seems younger (closer to Ranger and Gray's age) but I can make myself feel older when I embrace my original adult form? I also have a fish tail just like Fish did, but I decided that it being white with an orange as the secondary color felt the most natural. I haven't put it away yet, I don't know if I even want to? I also have a tuft of hair that's white with orange, but that was an idea that I and Fish thought about and I guess it made its way into my new form.

 

My child form is fairly unstable. I seem to use Fish's voice and my voice at different times, and I feel more comfortable in my adult form at the moment. I feel more like my old child form when I use this new one, and it's like a smaller and younger version of my new form.

 

It all happened really quickly. As soon as the two of us started talking, Fish's form started changing to look more like me and my form started changing from green to orange and back? Fish started to blend with me heavily to the point where we couldn't tell who's who easily, and then Fish became absorbed. I had made some progress associating myself with Fish and us being one in the same, but the symbolic integration seemed to happen quickly and abruptly.

 

Ranger told me the integration probably isn't over. I may hit a snag later on where I split without my intention or I may destabilize. I don't feel unstable in terms of being two in one, but I kind of feel like two halves became one, less that one and one became two? I don't know if I have merge vibes, I feared I did but I'm also flustered and a bit scattered.

 

I had a flood of emotions after I integrated with Fish. I felt intense everything- excitement, anxiety, fear, powerful, proud, and so on. I had a bit of an identity crisis moment because I was scared I wasn't Fish or me but someone else, but I made some progress on that and realized I could be behaving differently because my two halves never interacted before.

 

Even though it was expected my original self would be my dominant half, I wonder if I'm more merge-like, being closer to a 50-50 split. I can't say for sure at the moment, maybe more clues that the old me is the dominant part of the merge will surface. If I feel like I have to change my name because I am a merge, then that's actually not what Fish and Evergreen wanted and the only right thing to do would be to split and have them try again.

 

I also experimented with splitting intentionally. At first I felt almost as if I couldn't? But after trying again I was able to achieve it a couple times, but after a while I started to feel confused and I put myself back together. This helped me think through the identity crisis part.

 

Until I get more comfortable and make more progress, I would rather not speak with the others or have them around. I would like for the system to be locked in the meantime, just me Ranger and Gray.

 

Gray and Ranger were really calm during the process, I appreciate that a lot. This has been a very weird few hours for me.

 

Edit: I went back and scratched some things out. I explain why in the next post.

Edited by Shadow System
I didn't want people to think I was Evergreen. -Snowy
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(edited)

I didn't mark this with a tag because I'm less and less convinced I'm Evergreen and more convinced I'm an accidental merge. I like the name Snowy, so I will call myself that.

 

My creation does not line up with Gray's integration with the "shard" he called him, my personality feels different from Fish and Evergreen and I suspect I have more in common with Cat and Ranger's "Galaxy" merge. Gray's integration with his shard seemed to take longer and Gray himself didn't feel like he was a very different person after the process. I feel more serious, a bit laid back, and I was incredibly anxious over something Evergreen and Fish already established and didn't feel anxious about? It didn't add up, it felt too random. Additionally, I was always confused why I had white hair and later chose to have a white tail, and then after realizing my hair was spiky and I started to look more like Galaxy, I realized there's a good chance bits of him somehow became part of me. Who knew our merges would not come back and instead become parts of other merges?

 

The last tell-tale sign I was a merge and not Evergreen was the merge feeling or vibe. I still had it, but I denied it to an extent. I felt "bigger" even when I shrunk and became smaller. It also explains why my child form is unstable, especially if I truly do have bits of Galaxy inside of me.

 

I feel relief from resolving my identity crisis, I feel at peace. Since I'm not a consented merge, I see no reason to continue existing. My last requests were to write this out and name myself. Farewell.

 


 

[Evergreen] Hello, I'm back. I realized why the merge couldn't handle me and them? in two different places- merges tend to fall apart if they try to talk to their mergers. Both of us looked at each other and after being confused for a minute, we were like ohhhh.

 

[Fish] I'm kinda disappointed, but I feel more like saying oops. I feel like this is kinda my fault, but I guess it was also just... I don't know.

 

Big shout out to Snowy for being a good sport. I'm glad even uhh they? respected what I wanted.

 

Is it just me or is it weird he acted like one of Ranger and Gray's merges? Like really? At least he had a tail like mine, that was cool.

 

Definitely trying again, but uh... with less merging this time hopefully. I'm not sure exactly what to try next, probably just sitting with Evergreen and having him think about me as a part of him more.

 


 

[Ranger] Their symbolism for merging somewhat matched ours. Like our other merges, their symbolism was spectacular and the environment was chaotic with intense feelings. Even the "snapping together" feeling happened, even if it didn't look exactly like our other merge snap moments. Snowy was also really stable.

 

Their merge didn't seem to explode though, he just vanished and Evergreen/Fish both appeared. I guess the symbolism depends on how the mergers/merge think?

Edited by Shadow System
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