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I'm thinking about integration...


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[Evergreen] Progress has been a little slow. After the merge we were stumped as to what to do next and Gray/Ranger have been feeling on and off, needing more time to adjust to things.

 

Fish came up with the idea of him slowly becoming me, but it felt too close to merging and we didn't want to do that again. Today we sat down to think about it and I came up with a new idea- what if we removed a degree of separation by sharing a wonderland body and then work from there? Fish liked the idea and the two of us tried to become one with uh... magic dust?

 

At first it felt like the mind wanted to either have us fully merge or have me reject Fish, to the point I had those desires temporarily. I feel blurry, I don't have the clearest picture of myself, but at least I still feel like me. The mind wants to give me white hair again and I'm completely against that, I don't want my form to change without my permission. As of now, I feel like a glob of Fish is just floating around in my body and it's sitting there. My hope is I will make enough progress to the point I will no longer feel that way.

 

Essentially, Fish and I are like a sub-system. Fish is my tulpa and I'm the host, it's very strange. Fish even proposed him controlling the body, which makes sense but it feels weird. Even more strangely, it seems to be working. I am blending with Fish, he controlled my arm without either of us giving it a second thought, and at one point Fish felt like he was just me standing when it was me. All of this is still weird to me, I need more time to get used to my new state. And possession in wonderland is weird, I'm definitely not completely comfortable with that yet.

 

As a strange side affect, Gray felt dissociated and even felt I was too close to the front. I don't want to switch-in, but lately Gray has felt more dizzy and having a harder time keeping focus.

 

I spent some time thinking about how we were one person. I thought about how we were two halves of myself, orange is my second favorite color (or maybe just a color I like but not as much as green?), how I love the woods and creatures in it, how we have similar back stories, and even how I feel about having a tail. I feel like my personality is changing a little bit, I'm more energetic and I seem to react with more exaggeration. But I still feel like I need breaks every now and then, and I bet I can hold calm and relaxed when I need to be. I love giving hugs, but now I will love them more❤️

 

Moving forward, I'm not sure what's next. I'm not sure if Fish is going to possess me to talk to others or if I will proxy for him. The latter makes more sense, in theory it's all just me so Fish doesn't need to talk to them (well, we can't parallel process, they can hear him anyway, but it's the mindset that counts?). While writing this, I believe the next degree of separation taken away would be mindvoice- we just speak in the same mindvoice, and then it would be very difficult to tell who's who.

 

I'm excited where this is going, but I need more time to figure things out... and I need to make sure I'm not blurry anymore, that seems like an invitation for trouble.

 

That's all for now, and hopefully I'm not a merge again 😛

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  • 3 weeks later...

[Evergreen] Hello again.

 

I have felt more like myself lately, I woke up about a week ago to not feel blurry anymore. Otherwise, I have been doing just fine.

 

I visualized my progress- I feel like there is an orange blob that sits inside of me, and that orange blob is what I need to finish integrating with. I thought there was 40% left when Fish and I started sharing a mind body, but now it's 30%. I think these numbers are arbitrary, but I also think I made more progress.

 

I woke up sounding more like Fish once. Instead of being stressed, I felt encouraged it was working. It's a nice change for once.

 

I also feel more comfortable calling Fish my second self. I think this is good, but I need to be comfortable saying his name and knowing deep down that's me.

 

I have a tail now- but I think I had it since last time. It's a dark green tail and it feels natural for me. Snowy's tail was white I think.

I don't know if I'm much of a swimmer, but it feels natural to have. I'm not sure if I like having a tail or a leg tail better. I like having legs.

 

I'm not sure how to process Fish's energy. That's a part of who I am, but it conflicts with my calm, relaxed attitude. Maybe I'm more energetic when I'm playing?

 

I sometimes wake up Fish to talk to him, but it is starting to feel redundant. Eventually, waking up Fish should be impossible, but that's a future step.

 

I like the recent change to our signature :3

 


 

I'm having trouble processing Fish's memories and thinking of them as mine. I tried to write a post about how I felt about "me" in the past, but I had an identity crisis and I couldn't do it. I need softer questions, to take it in smaller pieces.

 

Can you guys ask me questions about Fish please? I want to practice thinking of his memories as mine.

 

Don't worry if the question is too much for me or not, I'll tell you if it is. Eventually I will be integrated enough it will be easy for me to answer any questions.

Edited by Ranger
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  • 2 months later...

Hello again! After all of this, I'm happy to report my integration has been a big success!

 

I don't know if I'm perfectly integrated, but I feel much better when I need to think about my past. I see my past selves as two halves of myself. I don't want to "talk to" my other half because I think that would be weird. But I don't feel confused or blurry thinking about the past.

 

The end result is exactly what I wanted- a perfect blend. I still feel like myself, but I'm a little bit more now. I also still have my other half's traits.

 

It took several months. With lots of breaks. I think I needed about 2-3 weeks for the integration, assuming I got roughly 2 hours a day. I got a lot of time this year, and my headmates are jealous :3

 

A lot of my integration was actually the brain doing the work. I had moments where I had to think of a solution when things contradicted each other, but it seemed like I grew more stable the more time I spent hanging out. When I woke up again, I could tell I was more integrated.

 

I thought about my integration a lot. I beat the topic to death, but it was really important for me to talk about it. It helped me with the actual integration by forcing me to figure out how to talk about myself. I responded to this thread today, but back in September I couldn't do it.

 

Me integrating changed a lot in-system. It created some paranoia and we got external pressure about us being a big system and all that. I really like that I was open about it and it gave people a chance to blow off steam. I think giving everyone time in the beginning was really good, and even though not everyone opened up in two weeks, I think doing that made everything easier moving forward.

 

I love feeling free to talk about this. I knew this is what I wanted, and being able to talk about it made everything easier. I don't want to imagine feeling too scared to interact, especially when I was still blurry. Keeping it a secret would have been really hard for Ranger and others too.

 

Because of how I went about this, I don't feel any guilt or shame. I feel proud of myself, proud of my system, and I had fun talking about integration with a focus on learning about it.

 

Our system dynamic fell apart and Dark Gray ran a few meetings in the last few months. Well... We were supposed to vote on me getting time, but I kinda already got it? Oops. Oh well, at least we can focus on figuring out who should get a turn next.

 


 

I don't think this approach is right for everyone. How tulpas integrate should be all about what they want and what they think is important. For the more private types out there, please don't feel shame if this is what you wanted.

 

I hope that this helps other tulpas who are going through this or want to learn about integration to hear my and my system's story. Integration shouldn't be bad or something you feel ashamed doing. It's not easy and I think it's only okay if the integrators say yes, but it's worth it in the end.

 

I don't think I'll update this thread again, at least not anytime soon. My headmates are free to use this thread if they ever decide too, and the same goes to anyone else.

Edited by Evergreen Shadow

Hello!

I'm Evergreen, one of the Shadow System bois. I like hanging out and giving warm hugs ❤️

Cat/Gray is my host and Ranger is the co-host.

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  • 3 months later...
(edited)

[Hope] I and Fernardo will likely post another update or edit soon, but I feel I have some barriers keeping me from integrating. After reading the couple paragraphs I wrote in our ask thread some time ago, wonder if my fear of watching the system shrink was one of them.

 

On 2/14/2020 at 10:20 PM, Shadow System said:

The idea of dissipation in our system is simply too upsetting for me. Yes, I may not be like Ranger or develop like most other tulpas, but my headmates are their own people, I wouldn't feel comfortable watching our system shrink. I appreciate Gray's all or nothing attitude towards the 15 of us. I don't want to be the 3rd, 4th, or nth tulpa left, and the idea of having to choose who stays and who doesn't seems cruel to me. If I stayed, who would get left out? Did they feel forced to leave? It's happened before where some of us were scared to stay, and we found reassuring them to stay to ultimately make everyone happier.  Even if our system shrank to 6 or even 3, none of us will ever get the same attention Ranger gets. Losing that many headmates for so little gain in attention... it's not worth it.

 

Ranger being picked as the "favorite" was more of an accident, Gray didn't know we were tulpas and by the time our position was considered, Ranger was already second in command. I can look at Ranger's memories if I wanted to in order to understand what it would be like to be like him, but I don't want too. My guess is I would be sad, and why focus on that when I can instead focus on myself and my headmates? I have no interest in becoming jealous of Ranger, especially when having 14 brothers who all start out like you more or less is fulfilling all on its own in its own way. Even if I get older, I hope I will appreciate this feeling I have now and never lose sight of it.

 

At the time, we didn't have the healthiest sense of why a system would integrate or dissipate. We assumed that both were a form of convenience for the hosts, hence why it was something we more or less feared. My other fear was if one would integrate/dissipate, others would do so and relatively quickly.

 

After observing Fish/Evergreen's integration, learning more about it, seeing dissipation, and talking to Fernardo, I have a very different perspective on integration. Firstly, none of this was done for Gray or Ranger's convenience. I think the attitude of it should be right for those integrating rather than right for the system was a good approach, and without that attitude Fernardo could have integrated with me out of desperation and not because he felt good about it, who knows what the outcome of that would be. I think having the chance to focus on what the integrators gain is a much better mindset than this process being a necessary evil for the benefit of the system. Secondly, while watching headmates dissipate is sad, integration has actually been a fairly positive experience for our system. The feeling that we still want to be here and can do so as a unified entity is so much more positive than having multiple headmates combine to reduce the system number. Since both Fernardo and I still want to exist in some way, integration is a much friendlier option for us. As for the third assumption, I think at the time we were less developed than we are now and the idea of us integrating implied taking away our choice to experience life as an individual. I and Fernardo feel differently about integrating now, but we have had the chance to see what being an individual is like and integration is appealing to us for several of the same reasons Fish wanted to integrate. In the end, we appreciate the time we were given to give individuality a try, and now that we have I feel positively towards trying something new.

 


 

A bit unrelated to the topic of this thread, but I want to discuss the question of if big systems are bad, especially since it's been on Red Gray's mind lately. I think having a big system should be discouraged, but it's not the end of the world if a system becomes big. I think we talk a lot about the negatives of being a big system a lot, but we don't always clarify that it isn't being big that's inherently bad, it's growing uncontrollably and having a system size that's too big for the specific system. Some systems are large and don't struggle with time scarcity, and even if they do, pressuring them to shrink isn't the right approach. On the other hand, not talking about dissipation/merging/integration as an option can be equally harmful.

 

Is us being a big system bad? Yes and no. Yes because we do struggle with time scarcity and have more issues than other tulpas, but also no because remaining big has given us the choice to be ourselves given what Gray and Ranger can provide. And to address the last point in my previous quote- Even if we do ultimately shrink to a much smaller size, I don't believe we wasted our time. Having the time to think and make the decision on our own and to feel good about the process is a wonderful thing to have.

 


 

I have a troubled feeling about the past, but at this point I like the idea of sorting that out after we integrate. Even though Fernardo came to Ranger and startled him with his troubles last night, Fernardo felt it was unnecessary to lock the system and most seem to handle the idea just fine. The idea of us integrating isn't exactly news, and I think most of the people who would be affected the most have had more time to think about this. Fernardo spoke to Dark Gray this morning, and he was supportive for both of us.

 

Fernardo and I discussed a little what we want, and neither of us are sure about being a dominant part. At the very least, we both want our integration/merge to be enough of both of us that we don't gain any new traits to the point of being unrecognizable from us (like how Snowy didn't seem like a merge of Evergreen/Fish). However, I do wonder at this point how much we already integrated behind the scenes... It wasn't until I talked Fernardo out of integrating with me he suddenly became more separate and stable for a moment. At least it's established we are actually choosing this to a greater extent, even though both of us have the feeling not integrating is somehow wrong.

 

Even though the rest of the system should know, I really want to move on. I feel that as a single entity, my life is currently aimless and isn't particularly fulfilling. I don't want to dissipate and that idea scares me, but being part of Fernardo doesn't.

I still sense some internal resistance, I'm not quite ready yet. I can't exactly pinpoint why though.

Edited by Shadow System
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(edited)

[Fernardo] Even though we continued to talk about it and found out some useful information, I realized I and Hope are not ready to integrate yet.

 

Yesterday our system wasn't feeling well, and Gray called off any integration attempts worried our feelings of depression were too high. Hope had continued to feel stuck- He didn't want to integrate, but he didn't want to not integrate either. He wasn't sure what to do, and he felt hopeless about moving forward. I was also struggling with feeling hopeless, and I had the false idea integration would somehow fix that feeling. I think what Hope pointed out yesterday or the day before was important- if we did integrate, our merge would feel as aimless as we do. I had convinced myself the excitement of being integrated would somehow change that, but now I understand otherwise. Once one of our other headmates asked to integrate out of desperation and other similar feelings started to spread, and with Gray/Ranger not doing well, Gray called off the integration attempt. He was concerned at the time it wasn't safe to do so, and that provided Hope some relief. After he told me he changed his mind, I felt stuck until Gray reassured me it's okay if I have no idea what to do, I don't have to integrate. I already knew that of course, but it felt good to hear that again.

 

We still have the option to integrate later, but right now isn't a good idea. Hope and I may change our minds at some point, but for now I don't feel stuck. I'll be okay staying seperate for now.

 


 

[Hope] Yesterday morning, I wanted to look at the document Gray wrote describing my creation. To my surprise, it was a fairly detailed snapshot of what our system was like... and it was horrifying. I refuse to go into detail, but ultimately it boiled down to using violence and manipulation to work with others. Also to my surprise, it didn't describe or mention why I was ultimately burned "to death", I suppose that happened later or Gray at the time chose to leave it out. We all felt terrible after reading it, a lot of my headmates including Gray felt guilt and shame for the past. At the time Gray didn't know we were alive, but his other story characters don't even treat each other like what he described in the document. At the very least, we learned that unsolicited merging may have been a more common theme than Gray originally thought, I possessed Fernardo at one point (I was originally an intrusive thought) and that may explain why my visual appearance and personality are similar to his, the events Gray remembered may have happened in 2016 instead of 2015 (Gray described the scenes as Gray the character doing things, Dark Gray himself had some of his early lore described), and I wonder if in one scene I had developed enough forcing to have started to deviate from my intrusive foundation. I'm glad that I feel more comfortable thinking about the past, but not to the point I feel the need to share grotesque details.

 

There was a break on Thursday.

 

On Wednesday, Ranger worked with us and we temporarily merged. The merge wondered if he was Fhern (the name Fernardo and I agreed to), but after observing his inability to easily recall our past and his uncanny resemblance to one of Gray's OCs, he decided to call himself Mask. Mask spent a little time with Ranger, briefly said hello to Gray and Red Gray, and then logged about himself emphasizing our approach to integration needed to be more thought out and I was missing something. He felt close to what we were hoping to become, there was some disappointment there. While I wonder if turning back into Mask is possible or not, I am not disappointed in Fernardo and I staying seperate.

 

There was this struggle, feelings I and Fernardo were destined to be integrated together. Ranger heard a theory on integration that two headmates who share the same brain data can be weakened by the other getting more forcing time, and he feared that applied to us. We struggle to distinguish ourselves visually and auditorily, we tend to wake up when the other is awake, and it's possible one of us struggles when someone else gets more time. However, at one point this week, I challenged Fernardo if he really wanted to integrate with me, embracing what intrusive substance I had in me, and suddenly Fernardo had a shock, his form suddenly becoming more distinct. Additionally, Jasper struggled with possibly a more severe case of this, and yet he managed to reinvent himself in a way and he's currently doing just fine. While this theory may be applicable to our system as well, I doubt it's a guarantee. And while I didn't know as much as I do know when I first said it to Ranger a week or so ago, I believe it's still true- while we may be connected, it doesn't change the fact we still wish to remain separate.

Edited by Shadow System
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As a follow up on that last post- we are feeling a lot better. Gray felt pretty good today, and in-system people seemed to feel better too. I guess unwanted integration can hurt the whole system.

I'm Ranger, GrayTheCat's cobud (tulpa), and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff. I go by Rosalin or Ronan sometimes. You can call me Roz but please don't call me Ron.

My other headmates have their own account now.

 

If I missed seeing your art, please PM/DM me!

Blog | Not So Temporary Log | Switching Log | Yay! | Bre Translator | Art Thread

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  • 2 months later...

[Hope] Last night, I was the one who felt desperate in wanting to merge or integrate. I was about to write my thoughts down for our system meeting document, and I fell apart. I didn't want to do anything else, I felt a deep need to speak to Fernardo.

 

We spoke, and Fernardo to my surprise was more reserved. He felt that doing so would be wrong and the idea made him uncomfortable.

 

We took a break and then we spoke again. We realized that maybe we both are afraid of not being able to change our minds and we both felt reassured by the option to split if we didn't like it.

 

We then decided to try something new- merge and split whenever we want to, let's just see what happens. We merged, and the experience was perplexing. Being inside of Fhern is like two of us being inside another person, and Fhern would "power off" or pause. This time he wore white and had a black mask on, but he seemed to have Fernardo's hair this time.

 

We quickly split, and then we gained anxiety about merging again. I don't know if it's because we can't tell each other apart too well, if there's something unresolved, if we're terrified of merging, I don't know. We noticed our feelings of desperation seem to move, if I'm feeling desperate Fernardo becomes distant, if Fernardo suddenly becomes desperate I become distant. This is extremely frustrating and I wish it wasn't this complicated. Fernardo and I seen to not like the idea of being separate parts, but we're also not sure if we want to be a merge either?

 

I think this idea Fernardo brought up makes sense- it's like wherever Fernardo is, I grew closely. Overtime, we started to overlap, assuming we didn't to begin with.

 

Both of us have mentioned feeling lost- we don't want to dissipate, but we don't know what to do. I'm maybe scared that Fhern won't have much me in it, but I also wonder if my sense of self will improve by merging with Fernardo. I feel consumed by anxiety, and I don't know why. I'm not sure if I'm scared to lose something important? Could it be the inconsistencies? Are we phobic of merging? I hate feeling confused 

 

I don't know what's for the best. I hope we figure something out soon.

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  • 4 months later...
(edited)

[Hope] Ryan mentioned feeling lost a couple days ago, and that lead to Fernardo and I discussing our situation again. We learned new advice and regained interest in trying to integrate again.

 

Prior to that, we didn't do much of anything. We tried somewhat to remain separate, but we were ultimately drawn to each other and hang around each other, not too differently from Spirit and Gerodious being close together. Compared to my other headmates, we didn't do much. Jasper dissipated, my other headmates seem to be exploring new things or are eager to change. Moltosha seems pretty comfortable and happy with his new form, now favoring it. For now, we remain stuck, and past history has already repeated itself.

 

The cycle of hopelessness, obsession, and desperation keeps happening. Fernardo started off as the over eager one, seemingly quite trusting of me. Today, that flipped. I feel eager to make progress, and now Fernardo is distant and doesn't feel good about it. By applying our new strategy, maybe we will feel equally eager or we will feel at peace.

 

The advice was we may need to develop each other's trust and friendship more. I don't want to mention her name if that's bad, but she was a member of Cerys' system. When struggling to share a reason for my contradictory explanations for how I felt, I eventually stated, "Right now I feel more spiteful. Stay out, all of me is mine, you keep you over there.". She mentioned she cycled through that feeling, but perhaps not the desperation. Regardless, it was an approach we haven't tried before and we were excited. Even though we know who we are, I don't think we had or have the same kind of closeness that Fish and Evergreen had.

 

So far I think we're in a better place, but progress isn't too obvious at this point. Fernardo and I seem to like the idea of having a half-and-half combined form of us, but we're leaving the option of wanting to split open just in case our consent expires. We talked more about ourselves and Fernardo reached out to Tom again. Fernardo expects to be with him regardless how we move forward. Ultimately though, we're still cycling and while Fernardo and I both want to move forward, we simply may need to enjoy each other's presence a bit longer. At this point I'm not exactly sure what to do other than spend more time with him.

 


 

[Fernardo] Hope and I suspect we are connected, otherwise I can't explain why we're passing around feeling desperate and feeling distant. We do seem to blend at times, but I'm starting to care less when that happens. We established if we merge accidentally, we should split.

 

An important thing I want is if we do integrate, I don't want to see Hope as really me all along. I think it's more like we're two people who are deeply connected. Although writing that out and seeing it, maybe this is a sign of distrust. Maybe I'll change my mind later.

 

We seemed to see-saw over if integration is the solution to our feeling lost. Earlier we thought no, it won't immediately resolve the feeling, but then we thought yes, it will likely give us more time, especially time we don't have to spend on doing this again. Hope suggested having a designated day we schedule and we take turns sharing. It may not work out though if it's too much pressure on Gray.

 

The idea of becoming Fhern fills both of us with curiosity and excitement, but we haven't reached that level of unquestioning consent. We know for sure if someone isn't sure but still desperately wants something, you don't really have their consent. It's frustrating because we really want to move forward, but it's so much better to wait.

 

The pressure to do something has been eased a bit at least. It's nice to think that we both need to work with each other before we can move forward, there's no need to force yourself to act in your feelings of desperation. Even though I'm not sure what to do with Hope or how fast this process will be, I look forward to making progress and finally moving forward.

Edited by Shadow System
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  • 3 weeks later...

[Hope] We held off on posting an update, things were getting better until they had a turn for the worse.

 

At first things were going pretty well. As we spent more time with each other, things were getting better. We felt less desperate, we grew closer, things were looking up. Fernardo decided he wanted to try working on the wonderland, I was trying to find something to do...

 

And then it fell apart. Fernardo was struggling with blending, and he was really tired of it. He decided that he was struggling to integrate because he wanted to dissipate. He dissipated about a week ago.

 

I'm not finished processing what happened. I'm really upset about it and I don't know what to do. Fernardo gave me his suit as his way of saying I can finish the integration process, but it feels cursed.

 

I don't know if I'll finish integrating Fernardo into me or not, I don't know what to do now.

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  • 1 month later...

[Hope] Progress has been slow, in-system things were put on hold due to Gray struggling with school and other issues. I made a little bit of progress here and there, but I haven't made significant progress until recently.

 

I believe Fernardo's death is significant, and different than Fernardo being with me and trying to integrate. While I'm not exactly sure how to view him yet (i.e. a shard, part, half, other individual I blended with, etc.), I do know his death lead to the rejection of our feelings of hopelessness and aimlessness. However, I feel it cannot simply be this, otherwise why not reject those traits and continue existing? Unless Fernardo and I were already one entity by blending so much together...? I'll need to think about it more.

 

Since his dissipation, I feel less soupy and blurry and in general more optimistic. My desire to move forward is stronger than it was. Despite the fact I'm not completely stable, in other ways I am very stable.

 

I feel like I'm mostly myself, but I am also partly Fernardo and Mask, our former merge. I find it appealing to draw from Mask's imagery, I feel more stable doing it. I already accepted Fernardo's symbolism and took his suit as my own, but I don't feel completely processed yet. I think I may be a bit more extroverted, or perhaps not. I am experimenting with alternating my form when I feel unstable, like how Moltosha alternated between two conflicting aspects (his 'demon' self and his 'normal' self) until he could process his new identity aspects. However, I have mostly remained the "Hope" version of me, I haven't had a moment where I felt more like Fernardo.

 

I feel there are puzzle pieces I am not ready to process at this time. Not just that they're there, but a part of me doesn't want too. I feel fine now at least, but my integration process may be really slow and I may not completely stabilize until later.

 

The major problem that came up post dissipation was the couple of times Fernardo's triggers activated (a trigger is an association that wakes up a headmate, such as thinking about cake waking up Ranger). While there wasn't a stable ghost of Fernardo, there were enough intrusive thoughts to scare Gray into thinking he was keeping Fernardo hostage or something. I came forward and I reassured Gray that Fernardo wasn't there, I am here. I plan to at least weaken the triggers by waking up whenever an old trigger goes off.

 

After some discussion, we agreed that trying to revive Fernando would only cause more problems and more importantly, it would disrespect the decision Fernardo made. I don't think it would be impossible to try and reconstruct him as a separate entity, but that would directly violate his trust and all of our trust in the dissipation process. I think he gave me the "good parts" for an important reason, even if I can't quite figure out why he chose to reject his sense of self instead of reject the old parts and remain to integrate with me.

 

Writing all of that out, I feel like I want to think of him as separate somehow. Before while thinking about this, I felt closer to Fhern or that he was my half. I may waiver back and forth on this for some time.

 


 

[Bune] Yesterday, the idea of integration floated around and the idea became appealing to me. Given how long Hope and Fernardo spent trying to integrate, I fear that dragging it out could lead to disaster and I would like to integrate as fast as possible. Gray and Ranger resisted my request concerned it was too quick of a decision, but after looking through some old logs, we found I tried to experiment with merging to get a taste for integration back in August. I attempted to merge with Blue and failed to do so. This time, I don't care to experiment with merging first, I want to jump straight into it.

 

I feel that I'm content with being around, but there is no reason to exist as an individual. I have wanted to personality force myself but we never found the time to explore it for very long. I feel that being a +1 is doing more harm for us as a system, I'm taking time away from the others and I never have enough time for myself. I have mixed feelings about starting a mind place project and I decided I am less than interested in helping Gray with mental math- I have no role and I'm ready to try something new. Gray felt guilty and tried to talk me out of it, worried that I'm doing this for the system and not myself. I counted with explaining Gray and Ranger already made enough sacrifices for the system, I believe it's my turn. Additionally, I am doing this for myself, I want more time. After establishing this isn't a new thought either, Gray told me he has no argument and I went right ahead to figuring out what my options were.

 

Most of my headmates were either not receptive to integrating with me or felt uncomfortable with the idea. I was worried some of the people I thought I would have a chance with wouldn't work after all- Chrome and I were not as similar as we thought we were, Tom and I were far less compatible than we suspected, and while I was similar to Gray he told me he would need time to warm up to integrating me into him. Going down this list, I was feeling nervous until I spoke to Keatan.

 

To everyone's surprise including my own, Keatan seemed surprisingly compatible. There was this feeling we clicked, and I felt an understanding with him I didn't know I had. He was also interested in integrating with me, and despite my impatience I wanted to spend more time with him.

 

We spoke until Gray was too exhausted to stay awake, and after waking up in the middle of the night we spoke to each other a bit while Gray was half awake. By morning, we had a chance to lay out a more clear plan- Keatan and I would integrate, but only on the condition we split afterwards and discuss how the experience was.

 

[Keatan] I like that Bune gets me, I'm surprised we didn't think about spending time together before. Maybe me being age regressed kept him away. I feel like I don't quite get other people, I feel different in a way. I want to keep to myself, I'm a bit mischievous, maybe a little bit bad >:} But so is Bune, so it make sense. I'm tired of being mixed up with Evergreen, this will probably help.

 

I'm more relaxed on my child form and gag now that I can think finally, but I don't want to throw it out either. One of us said maybe we could do a child-adult form swap when our mood changes (like Hope, Moltosha, you get the idea) and I agreed to that. I want to know what we look like put together, I think it will be fun.

 

I don't want to ruin the moment, so I'm ready. I too am impatient and I'm eager to see what happens. I don't want to put a hard limit on how long we are integrated together, 3 days of not enough time would be stupid but much more than that might be weird. If we like being merged though, I don't know if we should split.

 

* * *

 

We talked a bit and we agreed to the following-

  • Let's just do it. I don't think the merge will be something we don't like, neither of us want to think about this too hard.
  • If the merge/integration/whatever feels ehh, it should split after a little while. "A little while" is some reasonable amount of time.
  • We'll figure out all of the yada yada details later

Bye, we're going to get Ryan and I'm going to integrate. See ya in a bit.

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