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Monoimus' Progress Report


Monoimus
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I believe I'm dying of a brain tumor, from my deductions, that is. I have a multitude of problems with my body, failing vision, stomach pains, and now head pressures. Maybe I'll make a deal with some infernal devil for proper health.

 

The head pressures are a relatively new phenomenon, just started at around two days ago, they're not painful, they last for short periods-- ten seconds tops. It worries me. There is a possibility of it being Lucy, head pressures from conjuring tulpas are a known thing.

 

Whatever, it's irrelevant now, if I die, then I die. Literally billions have died and my own death won't be a big problem in the grand scheme of things.

 

I have created a playlist, Lucy's playlist, to me it's very melancholic, sentimental, shoegaze does that. The cover gives me a vibe I can't describe, plus it's the imposition level I'm shooting for. There is minimal black metal. Planning for Burial will be Lucy's favorite band, I hope so.

 

I need to get back to forcing.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Lots of stuff have prevented me from actively focusing with Lucy the past days, for one, I went to the hospital because I believed I had a brain tumor due to the head pressures, as well as tinnitus getting severe and hallucinations -- I didn't get an MRI scan like I wanted, instead they prescribed me earwax medicine because they believed the earwax was causing my tinnitus, nothing conclusive on the head pressures, and they blamed the hallucinations on my schizophrenia (which I do have, I'll admit. I don't think I've ever announced this before) so they upped my antipsychotics to every three weeks instead of once a month. As of today, no head pressures, no hallucinations, just bad tinnitus. I'm still worried, mind you, the worrying has prevented me from focusing, thoughts that this is all futile and soon I'll die of brain cancer. I must stifle them.

 

Another thing, two days ago I chatted with a mutual on twitter, she also has a tulpa, (I only figured she's plural due to an off-hand mention of it) and she said I oughta get off my antipsychotics, and told me about her antipsychiatry views, I agree with her, my psyche has considerably slowed ever since I got on them. My psychiatrist, nurse, and family, have all deceived me, I will spit out their foul black magic.

 

I don't have much going on. Lucy appears in my dream as a spectre of sorts, appear only for brief moments. I want to become an expert in imposition, it's a wizard's trait, I have learned about Jung and his active imagination but I don't believe I'll ever accomplish the same feats he has done, my mind is weak, disorganized, and far too fragile.

 

I'm rambling right now so I'll stop.

 

It's a wicked life.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Are you stable without antipsychotics, having schizophrenia? And you take the medicine every 3-4 weeks? Is it a shot?

 

I hope you will be okay. Antipsychotics messed me up too, but they do seem to help with undesirable hallucinations, and I know schizophrenia can be hard to deal with. I don't have it myself, but my dad and grandmother did.

Creation for creation's sake.

 

More of my drawings

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On 11/11/2021 at 5:01 PM, TB said:

Are you stable without antipsychotics, having schizophrenia? And you take the medicine every 3-4 weeks? Is it a shot?

 

I hope you will be okay. Antipsychotics messed me up too, but they do seem to help with undesirable hallucinations, and I know schizophrenia can be hard to deal with. I don't have it myself, but my dad and grandmother did.

 

Yes to the first question, every three weeks. And yes, it is a shot.

 

I'd say I'm alright without them, in fact I'm willing to say I'd be better off without them, all it does is dull my mind, makes me a simpleton. I feel like I'm not achieving my potential while on it, if that makes sense.

 

I appreciate your well-wishes.

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Did tulpa hypnosis, no success. Will just have to do it more frequently.

 

Couldn't attempt a second hypnosis sessions, tinnitus is throwing me off.

 

I believe I heard a voice after I turned the television off and laid down in silence. I can't say for certain.

 

I watched some Y2K videos, mostly commercials from the late 90s/early 2000s. Tried talking to Lucy during them but I was preoccupied by another fantasy.

 

The tinnitus is infuriating, I genuinely have no idea where it even came from.

 

Much ado about nothing.

 

Heading off to bed, I'll leave the radio on as background noise.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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It's been six days now since I first started hypnosis. Didn't do one yesterday due to tiredness. I will definitely do another sessions tonight.

 

I don't believe the hypnotic suggestions are working on me, particularly the "focus on your tulpa everyday" aspect. Will just have to continue listening to hypnosis everyday.

 

Lucy has remained a background asset. A person I don't talk to but rather think about in various scenarios where I'm a spectator.

 

Every night when I go bed, I always hype myself to not go on the computer the next day, but rather focus entirely on Lucy. It never comes in fruition. Pills don't help, caffeine doesn't work. I need to do something to break this tedious routine.

 

Tinnitus no longer bothers me. Head aches/head pressures largely trivial. Though, I did develop dizziness a few days ago, it comes and goes, might be worrying in the future.

 

The beginning of November was so grand. It's such a shame I had a downfall.

 

Tomorrow I'll try to limit computer time.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 1 month later...

I just got out from the psychiatric ward two days ago after being forced there against my will for nearly a month (November 25 to December 24), I didn't spend as much time as I wanted to with Lucy, in fact during the final weeks I barely spent anytime with her at all. Finally, now that I'm home (temporarily, I'm being sent to a place for people with mental illnesses), I still can't seem to find the spark I had with Lucy pre-psych ward. I'll admit I was in a state of mania during November which helped contribute to her being developed, but that's gone now. Last night, however, I had a moment while I was laying in bed attempting to listen to tulpa hypnosis, the Lucy I know is much more different than the Lucy I gave the personality to, if that makes sense, the façade Lucy-  or the masked/form Lucy, is a totally separate being from the Lucy that I have grown to cherish, from our first sessions of September 2020 to the moments we had in January 2021 and March 2021, I don't think I want her to have a form actually, least until she's vocal and well-developed (this should've been the first rule to follow when I started her creation). One thing that bothers me however, is that if I abandon her gothic, dreary personality, she might become a norm-- a square so to speak, I want her to be unique, I guess I'll just have to get over it.

 

I think I'm just growing delirious from the new medications they gave me, I literally can't focus and feel like I just wrote out gibberish.

 

That's all for now.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 12/26/2021 at 4:19 PM, TB said:

Wow. I hope you're able to get better. That all sounds rather rough

Thank you.

---

 

Lucy's presence is faint, I haven't been focusing on her, I keep lapsing into old habits, as such I have sworn off video games till the time being, couldn't stop playing them. Twitter is also a blackhole of time, I oughta disconnect from the internet for a bit. But cutting these things off accomplishes nothing if I don't put any effort into Lucy during it. I'm all talk but no action. This is precisely why I don't enjoy re-reading my entry logs-- empty promises. I don't like using terms like ADHD or executive dysfunction, it's all entirely a result of lack of discipline. Meditation is out of the question, each time I have tried it my mind wanders till I'm fantasizing of irrelevant topics. I need a retreat, but again, an empty promise.

 

I just can't seem to get a grasp on Luce, each time I think of her, it's like I can only focus on her for a brief moment before I lapse into nonsense, Twitter, I have learned long ago, causes me to enter a different, delusional mindset. One reason why I wish to limit my internet time. This is debilitating.

 

On another topic, I have picked up a nasty habit while I was at the psych ward, a very dangerous one. Cigarettes. I have smoked at least 104 by now. I've attempted to incorporate these smoke breaks into microsessions with Lucy with limited success. During one sesh, I imagine we're smoking together. Just her by my side. Quiet, zen. 

 

I imagined having a tulpa will impact my life in a grand way, perhaps too grand. I no longer think like that, I just want a companion to experience life with, exploring the world, helping me during difficult times, witnessing the glories of nature.

 

This post is taking too much of my time.

 

End of Post

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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