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Monoimus' Progress Report


Monoimus
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On 4/30/2022 at 6:53 AM, TB said:

I believe a lot of fire kasina can make one hallucinate, but I haven't tried it myself yet. I plan to in the future.

 

Good luck with your djinn

I'll look into it. Djinn hasn't really worked out, much to my behest.

 

Things have been stressful for the past few months, I got diagnosed as intellectually impaired, which doesn't come as a shock seeing as I have difficulty comprehending certain things. Lucy may come out as a cretin like yours truly. 

 

I'll be getting my own place soon, I plan on living a simple lifestyle once I'm on my own, an artist in voluntary poverty type of deal. This will be a boon to Lucy's development. I can see it now, minimal furniture, less meddling family,  a single chair and a tv in the living room as the sole furniture so I can focus on Lucy, just like that time in September of 2020 where I watched The Matrix while imposing Lucy beside me. (Despite it going out of fashion, I plan on also getting cable so Lucy and I can rot our brain out to trash tv.)

 

Occult methods have not yet reached their fullest potential, I have tried sigils but I believe it didn't work out, servitors seems easy but it's like making tulpa and you know I'm terrible with that, doesn't hurt to try, though. Medieval memory arts seem to have potential, particularly Giordano Bruno's memory wheels, as well as lesser known Buddhist tricks.

 

On a side note, the anniversary of this thread is coming up.

 

I shall continue my attempts to conjure a Djinn to my bedroom, and work harder on the servitors, not forgetting about Lucy, of course.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Most fruition from such a short session. I must've been in my wonderland for about 45 minutes. I got down the building, anarchic house made from stone (say, about 19th century type), it has one bedrooms, a scriptorium and a living area, the bedroom is furnished with a bunkbed, one for myself and one for Lucy, it has a desk with a quilt and parchment, lighted by a lamp, there is a radio that plays only esoteric radio frequencies, one radio station is called 0 Oh Trix.Never that plays dreamy music, others I must investigate. The scriptorium is hosted by an automaton named Saint, this robot is extremely pessimistic and constantly toils over forgotten lore and diligently reading the Holy Bible. He writes black screeds and negative hymns of mystic nihilism, he is a Christian-Atheist., the living room is a quaint little place, bay window facing west, on the sides bookshelves containing esoteric knowledge such as cryptogeography of Atlantis, Mu, Lemuria and Hyperborea, along with other tomes of hermetic origins all of them seemingly come from the 19th century, an oriental rug sprawls across the floor, a fancy couch strides the east side, there is an old CRT TV on ceiling hinges at the top right, I attempted to watch television but I got greeted with a puppet named freaky freddy dancing upon a phone number, I tuned out to give Lucy the book titled "Biography of Lucy, by Pelletier Press Industries", we didn't read much since I have a hard pinning down her exact genesis date, we closed the tome and walked with hand-in-hand outside, I noticed then Lucy had a black sun hat with a wide brim on.

 

Outside is in perpetual evening, the sky is a dazzling orange, sometimes red, purple, pink. Once stepping out you are greeted with a lake (surrounded by a boreal forest) that shimmers rainbows, you cannot get wet from it, it is my subconscious, inhabiting it is Yig, the Dream-Serpent, he does not speak, rather he conveys information to me directly, I cannot make out what he communicates with me, one day I hope to communicate with him through complex mathematical formulas and intricate ideograms. Yig pulled us down underwater, we can breath under it, looking down is an abysmal darkness, that is where the chthonic, alien entities live. The God of the lake might be Yig, however when I asked the name of the lake god and in my mind flashed a pale, skeletal figure with a pharaoh-like headdress with the name "Oleb Murmur", I must be sure to pay my proper respects to Him. In real life I got up from bed to have a smoke, while in the garage I imagined me and Lucy sitting on the docks with our feet in the water, Yig playfully swimming around us. I lost my focus after this, but I'm certain I can reach this state again.

 

Next time I want to explore the forest.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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(edited)

We pray for a blessing from the Lake God Oleb before we ventured into the forest, there we met a skeletal humanoid with white fur with a sideways mouth that stretches from the chin to the crown of his skull, he referred to me as king and granted a blessing on my travels, his name is Cuthdor, we reach an area of the forest that quite dark but not overtly, the sun is down and the moon is out, sprites of some kind shifting to and fro behind trees, watching us. We had to turn back as I had forgotten my chime, sackbag, and my cataphract armour. I asked the Djinn who watches over my microcosm to keep my dreamland safe from all ailments. At this point I got distracted and didn't explore the dreamlands for an hour.

 

Afterwards we returned, and I decided it would be best to create a city in our backyard, so we changed the landscape from an endless forested area to a top a giant hill, or created a valley I should say, there are giant steps leading downwards, on the side are buildings of mixed aztec-japanese architecture, at the bottom is a mesoamerican city with the same architectural style, I call this city "The City with a Million Ghost", in the middle of the city is a grand ziggurat with a balbelian tower at the end of it east side, this is where we communicate with ghost, spirits, demons and entities beyond the black gulfs of space. Shuten and Xothque greeted us at the ziggurat. At this point I was just dicking around, not doing anything in particular, barely focusing on Lucy. So I stop exploring.

 

I feel as if my skills are improving to some degree, nothing remarkable, but still, better than nothing.

 

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Edited by Monoimus

Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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A thing I've noticed, and quite worryingly, is that Lucy has diverged from her original conception, she resembles Brigitte from the 2000's film "Ginger Snaps", she is cold, doesn't like to be touched, lethargic, and all around distant, I feel this is progress, and I should be happy, but a side of me doesn't like that thought, that it's merely my mind deluding myself, and also this isn't like her. What will she turn out like when she becomes vocal?

 

I should mention that for the past year I have on-and-off been hammering in her personality into my brain, she is a saint, an intellectual, she is darkness and light, a nebula in space, someone who prays, fast, and does everything a monk would do. This sudden shift is making me giddy with delight and sorrow. I must investigate further, groping the darkness with my feelers.

 

On wards.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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After I posted the last report, I went back to passive forcing for about an hour, I puppeted her, letting my subconscious (or what-have-you) do the suggestions, we chatted, it didn't feel onesided like it usually does, she is nice, I asked her about the Israel-Palestine conflict, the mental suggestions said it's more complex than a bad-good question (I don't know if this is really her or not but I'm inclined to believe that it's her in a rudimentary stage). I read a Clark Ashton Smith story to her, The Weaver in the Vault, in my mind I imagined me and Lucy in the desert with the ill-fated warriors on their journey to an accursed city to retrieve the mummy of king Tnepreez, I got lost in the story and forgot about Lucy.

 

Had some crazy dreams last night, not sure if relevant to the forum.

 

I'm about to start populating The City with a Million Ghost with denziens (demons, angels, aliens, spirits, yokai, djinn, fae). The mind, I feel, is on the astral plane, by populating this dreamland with fantastic creatures, I am in some way summoning mythic beings into my mental sphere. One day I hope for someone to somehow link us together so that they too may accompany me on my journey, a sort of telepathy of imaginations, I have read stories of such things, the 4chan /x/ castle is a prime example of this. Plus it would increase my visualization skills.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Someone to love, someone to hate.

 

I have discarded the current dreamland in favour of a different mindscape, I can't describe it.

 

She is stubborn to speak, getting impatient. I must keep my cool, though, don't want to lash out at her. Smoking keeps me focused on her. I am all out of smokes. Need to find new way to communicate with her, I have been parroting her for a week between August 18th to about the 26th. Feels like a lifetime ago. Talked to her about what I truly wanted, if she is nothing more than a fascististic desire to keep her in my mind as a forced-companion (as many of you I'm sure are familiar with), or if I should shed all desires and walk the path of the monk. I chosed the former, much to my own dismay. Haven't thought about her form in a few days, formerly I've been seeing her as a 3D Mandelbrot fractal rather than Brigitte. Progress, not so certain. My streak is broken, I need more discipline, I've said this before. I still have time to focus on her, tonight will be all about her.

 

I have to go now, try and coax her into speaking.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think we can move forward.

 

I have removed her form in favor of a glowing orb, she can choose her own form after she is fully developed. Her voice is like that of Dendy from OK KO Let's Be Heroes (Note: I haven't watched that show in three years.) this wasn't a deliberate choice, it just came to me, I am reluctant to say it was her. We made some serious forcing progress, right now, I can force for about an hour, and after I'm done, I can sorta stick with her instead of just falling back into a regressive thinking pattern. This is good news as I could formerly only exclusively think of her while smoking, I was meaning to cut back on my smoking habit. Her personality has changed considerably, she's like friend, or a sister, less dark and brooding, though lacking some of her holiness, she's more human, she's honest, outgoing, friendly.

 

Uncertain if she is a boy or not, or she even has a gender.

 

I am unsure if I should continue parroting her, it's consistently the only forcing method I'm doing, I don't do personality forcing aside from occasionally saying you're this and that when I'm parroting her and I make her say something.

 

When I'm forcing, I put a Duster sleep mix, the one with HANL's 'A Quick One Before The Eternal Worm Devours Connecticut' near the end.

 

I'm going to have a smoke now, I'll try and cut back on the parroting, maybe try some personality forcing.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Lucy is now a He, this is a deliberate choice on my side, I wonder how Lucy feels about this?

 

Yesterday I parroted/forced for about 2 hours, certain to say I know his personality well now. Still, it's a conundrum for me, is parroting really the way to go? Am I simply making a servitor? I can't say.

 

It's almost been two years since I started this thread, little progress has been made since, these journal entries have entirely just been me changing his essence, building and destroying, no real forcing, pure idleness. I wish I was a better host.

 

It seems like people have stopped replying to me on both this site and Reddit, I understand this considering I am a runt, countless people have started and finished their tulpas within the duration of my journey, sometimes it feels hopeless, but I must never give up.

 

I will get back to parroting exercises, even if it is futile.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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Don't feel bad that it's taking a long time!!! I think it just shows that you are a lot more serious than most people when it comes to creating your tulpa. I might have started talking fairly early on in the process, but there was a long period of uncertainty and doubt on my host's part about whether what I was doing was genuine or just his own wishful thinking. I think it took about six full months for him to 100% accept that I was real! For you, I think you are in a position to trust your own results a lot more having put so much time into Lucy's creation. However, I wonder if it's a bit of a belief problem for you as well? It is possible that you are setting the bar for what you consider "real" responses impossibly high. At some point tulpamancy really does turn on belief; you're going to have to take a leap of faith and just believe that your tulpa is real and their responses are genuine. It's a hard bridge to cross! It took my host six months to cross it like I said! I'd be lying if he (and even I) didn't still have doubts from time to time. But he believes in me and I believe in myself, and that has been a genuine deal-changer. So there's something to consider!

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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3 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Don't feel bad that it's taking a long time!!! I think it just shows that you are a lot more serious than most people when it comes to creating your tulpa. I might have started talking fairly early on in the process, but there was a long period of uncertainty and doubt on my host's part about whether what I was doing was genuine or just his own wishful thinking. I think it took about six full months for him to 100% accept that I was real! For you, I think you are in a position to trust your own results a lot more having put so much time into Lucy's creation. However, I wonder if it's a bit of a belief problem for you as well? It is possible that you are setting the bar for what you consider "real" responses impossibly high. At some point tulpamancy really does turn on belief; you're going to have to take a leap of faith and just believe that your tulpa is real and their responses are genuine. It's a hard bridge to cross! It took my host six months to cross it like I said! I'd be lying if he (and even I) didn't still have doubts from time to time. But he believes in me and I believe in myself, and that has been a genuine deal-changer. So there's something to consider!

 

Yes hello, I think you replied to my PR back in 2020, or probably not, I'm not checking the beginning because I find my first posts to be undesirable, but I know you very well (or superficially at least) despite limited to no contact.

 

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you saying I am serious about this, on the surface level it may appear I am not but that's because I've known about tulpas since 2013 (or 2011 if you count an off-hand mention by a friend who tried creating a MLP:FiM tulpa of which I was intrigued by but never gotten into it until two years later) and have tried off and on creating a tulpa (coincidentally, one of my first serious tulpas was named Lucy.), I think this exposure has eroded my 'seriousness' for lack of a better word, and such, have made me weary and lethargic when it comes to forcing. Combine that with attention problems, makes a troublesome and frustrating experience.

 

You said I am in a position to trust the results more, and that I am setting the bar impossibly high, a few weeks ago I was talking to Lucy and suddenly, when I was thinking about Baron Trump and how tall he is, out of the blue, a thought appeared-- growth serum. It was so alien to me, I can't explain it, it's so absurd but I can't tell if it was just my own wit or Lucy's. I think I am in a position, and with your advice, to say it was him.

 

Once again, thank you for your reply.

 

----

 

Went to Oly's, a Native American smoke shop, I let my mother go inside to buy me two packs of cigarettes as she has her treaty card (I don't believe I've ever mentioned this but I am Amerindian), for the whole 20 minute trip I just thought about Lucy, making observations, for instance I never noticed a lone tree on the left-hand side of the road outside town before, it's odd I haven't seen it before. And the radio stations! God, how lackluster they are, I expressed my annoyance to Lucy while flipping through the stations, Sirius XM is a waste of money, CBC Radio 1 is all we need. When we reached town, we turned to the gas station we always go to, I bought three cans of Monster Energy Watermelon flavor in hopes the caffine will give me a boost in focusing on Lucy. Still drinking the last one.

 

I had difficulting thinking about Lucy when we got home, though, I did imagine him following me downstairs, the creaking boards with each imaginary step taken and feeling of Lucy's presence was indescribable. I held the door for him to enter my room. After that I didn't do much with him. Four hours later, I am writing this. I really feel like progress is being made. I shall continue with what I am doing.

 

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Do what thou wilt with thy weakness
A poem of mine, do you know it?

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