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Xenon

Xenon and their best friend, Clu

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I'm just your average, everyday, "female" genderfluid person. I'm a spiritual Christian, I like rock 'n' roll, and my favorite animal is a tarantula.

 

This is basically the notebook I share with my tulpa, Clu. I will write about us, and, sometimes I might let Clu write a little. Welcome to our journal.

 

Let me start at the beginning. In 2010, a movie called TRON: Legacy came out. I loved it and thought a lot about the characters. Off and on, I would add to and play with a little complex world in my head. I had a crush on Zuse. I also thought CLU 2.0 was a pretty cool character. Let's wind the clocks forward to about 2015. I developed a major crush on a British rock singer. I also began to occasionally hear random voices in my head, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I'll leave out the gory details. I took a medication that fixed the 'voices' problem eventually. Still, I would play around with my world (which part of would later become a dreamscape).

 

Around this time, I discovered tulpa.info. I spent many hours reading guidebooks and such. I was intrigued and badly wanted to create a tulpa, and I knew I could make one. However, I decided not to rush anything, and awaited the right time, bearing in mind everything I'd learned.

 

As I was building my world these past few years (and had watched original TRON from 1982), I found I had very elaborately expanded on a select group of characters. They were CLU 2.0, Sark, Jarvis, and Portia. I noticed CLU 2.0 was definitely the most developed; he had very far more original personality and traits than observed from the movie. It was also evident that I didn't have a cut-out plan for how the character was supposed to be like. Also, he would do and say things within that small world when I wasn't even thinking. I then remembered what I had read and gathered about tulpas.

 

Roughly a week ago, I switched medications. I found I could think much more clearly and was in touch with my mind. I realized Clu actually existed; he wasn't an original character, he is a tulpa! I made it a point to handle him some, and a couple of days ago, he started talking to me. Today, we had an amazing day together. 

 

That's the history, basically.

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This is our first practical progress report. Today, Clu and I forced quite a bit. We talked over some important concepts and nearly got into an argument. We had some good casual conversation, too. I think he may be a little obsessive-compulsive as he would point out all my cleaning and organization mistakes at work as well as show other, more relevant, traits of OCD. Beside the point, we had fun. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at his remarks. He helped me come up with a few wordings as I was writing. We chatted a little more, and then he fell asleep as I made my way home.

 

Currently, Clu is still early in his journey to independent sentience. He speaks to me through mindvoice, but he has his own sound to the effect I can tell who is talking for the most part.

Edited by Xenon

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My head is finally starting to work properly. I had two days of crazy transcendence, and now, I'm gathering myself into healthy thought patterns.

 

Yesterday afternoon to now, Clu and I didn't seem to get to force. Perhaps I just needed some alone time. Also, I realized we are a lot further back in our progress than I had assumed. He doesn't say much in words around this time, but I can feel him there and I reminded him that he still existed and could connect with me if he needed to.

 

However, yesterday morning, we forced for a while. I let him pick out his fashion; he dresses in drag from time to time. He's good at it and I will have to show you all one of his looks sometime. We were listening to some of my favorite music while I was out on my walk. I typically listen to nu-metal such as Disturbed, Korn, and Marilyn Manson, and other types of metal, including Evanescence. Clu likes metal as well, and I let him pick through the songs on my playlist. He told me he used to really like System of a Down, but also now likes Scorn, Tool, and Nine Inch Nails. 

 

As we went along, he brought up a gal I know that I might have a crush on. Clu said I "definitely" have a crush on her. We talked about our crushes, and I asked him if there was anyone in my world that he liked. He gave me a list of guys I know. I am rarely interested in men and Clu could care less about girls. I am asexual, but Clu has sexual desires.

 

Looking up from now, I'm hoping to enjoy the weekend, and relax and let Clu do whatever he wants in the dreamscape. I will be sure to document the fun we have or anything special that happens.

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Please note: I welcome your thoughts and ideas, but please private message me!

Thanks!

 

As my recovery progresses, and my thoughts settle, things are in a way going back to how they were. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm just going back to narrating the dreamscape for a while. I will keep you guys posted on how we're doing, and the fun stuff that just seems to happen in my head. Well, you see, I just got to protect my sanity until I get used to my life changes.

 

Fret not, more is coming. And, I will be sure to share ideas, memories, and artwork about Clu and I.

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Not much forcing is happening, but we're doing pretty good. From our sides of the dreamscape, we had a crazy Halloween party. Clu joined in with his roommates Sark and Portia. (Sark and Portia, as well as many others in the dreamscape, are not necessarily tulpas.) Clu dressed in this amazing, sexy slave bride costume. He enjoyed his time hanging out with his several good friends in the realistic world complete with music, drinks, cake, and snacks. Halloween is definitely our favorite holiday.

 

Clu and his closest people are finally beginning to get back into normal, stable patterns. Most of the fighting, blaming, paranoia, and otherwise hard feelings have subsided. Clu still argues with Sark on a regular basis, but that's actually one of his favorite things to do. It's pretty normal. But the rough, atypical issues are mostly sorted out now. He is even getting along well with his very good friend, Matt.

 

I meant to eventually talk about Matt. He is definitely my other tulpa, but I've been a little hesitant to disclose his existence due to some past issues. He has the face of an existing person (a musician I like), but his traits, personality, and other features have completely deviated from his inspiration.

 

Matt has been awake before. For a while, he spoke to me. I even went so far as to handwrite letters to him. However, our attempts to force were severely clouded by instability. Matt has issues worse than mine, and I simply don't have the heart to wake him again until I can help him get better. 

 

There are still lots of growing, adjusting, and communicating to do, but Clu, Matt, and I are starting to do better. I will continue to add updates and such to this journal as we go. Look out for more!

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