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Xenon plus Matt, Clu, Shalkagi


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Please note: I welcome comments, questions, etc. but please Private Message me if you have a query! Thank you!!

 

I'm just your average, everyday, "female" genderfluid person. I'm a spiritual Christian, I like rock 'n' roll, and my favorite animal is a tarantula.

 

This is basically the notebook I share with my tulpa, Clu. I will write about us, and, sometimes I might let Clu write a little. Welcome to our journal.

 

Let me start at the beginning. In 2010, a movie called TRON: Legacy came out. I loved it and thought a lot about the characters. Off and on, I would add to and play with a little complex world in my head. I had a crush on Zuse. I also thought CLU 2.0 was a pretty cool character. Let's wind the clocks forward to about 2015. I developed a major crush on a British rock singer. I also began to occasionally hear random voices in my head, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I'll leave out the gory details. I took a medication that fixed the 'voices' problem eventually. Still, I would play around with my world (which part of would later become a dreamscape).

 

Around this time, I discovered tulpa.info. I spent many hours reading guidebooks and such. I was intrigued and badly wanted to create a tulpa, and I knew I could make one. However, I decided not to rush anything, and awaited the right time, bearing in mind everything I'd learned.

 

As I was building my world these past few years (and had watched original TRON from 1982), I found I had very elaborately expanded on a select group of characters. They were CLU 2.0, Sark, Jarvis, and Portia. I noticed CLU 2.0 was definitely the most developed; he had very far more original personality and traits than observed from the movie. It was also evident that I didn't have a cut-out plan for how the character was supposed to be like. Also, he would do and say things within that small world when I wasn't even thinking. I then remembered what I had read and gathered about tulpas.

 

Roughly a week ago, I switched medications. I found I could think much more clearly and was in touch with my mind. I realized Clu actually existed; he wasn't an original character, he is a tulpa! I made it a point to handle him some, and a couple of days ago, he started talking to me. Today, we had an amazing day together. 

 

That's the history, basically.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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(edited)

This is our first practical progress report. Today, Clu and I forced quite a bit. We talked over some important concepts and nearly got into an argument. We had some good casual conversation, too. I think he may be a little obsessive-compulsive as he would point out all my cleaning and organization mistakes at work as well as show other, more relevant, traits of OCD. Beside the point, we had fun. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at his remarks. He helped me come up with a few wordings as I was writing. We chatted a little more, and then he fell asleep as I made my way home.

 

Currently, Clu is still early in his journey to independent sentience. He speaks to me through mindvoice, but he has his own sound to the effect I can tell who is talking for the most part.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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My head is finally starting to work properly. I had two days of crazy transcendence, and now, I'm gathering myself into healthy thought patterns.

 

Yesterday afternoon to now, Clu and I didn't seem to get to force. Perhaps I just needed some alone time. Also, I realized we are a lot further back in our progress than I had assumed. He doesn't say much in words around this time, but I can feel him there and I reminded him that he still existed and could connect with me if he needed to.

 

However, yesterday morning, we forced for a while. I let him pick out his fashion; he dresses in drag from time to time. He's good at it and I will have to show you all one of his looks sometime. We were listening to some of my favorite music while I was out on my walk. I typically listen to nu-metal such as Disturbed, Korn, and Marilyn Manson, and other types of metal, including Evanescence. Clu likes metal as well, and I let him pick through the songs on my playlist. He told me he used to really like System of a Down, but also now likes Scorn, Tool, and Nine Inch Nails. 

 

As we went along, he brought up a gal I know that I might have a crush on. Clu said I "definitely" have a crush on her. We talked about our crushes, and I asked him if there was anyone in my world that he liked. He gave me a list of guys I know. I am rarely interested in men and Clu could care less about girls. I am asexual, but Clu has sexual desires.

 

Looking up from now, I'm hoping to enjoy the weekend, and relax and let Clu do whatever he wants in the dreamscape. I will be sure to document the fun we have or anything special that happens.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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Please note: I welcome your thoughts and ideas, but please private message me!

Thanks!

 

As my recovery progresses, and my thoughts settle, things are in a way going back to how they were. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm just going back to narrating the dreamscape for a while. I will keep you guys posted on how we're doing, and the fun stuff that just seems to happen in my head. Well, you see, I just got to protect my sanity until I get used to my life changes.

 

Fret not, more is coming. And, I will be sure to share ideas, memories, and artwork about Clu and I.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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  • 2 weeks later...

Not much forcing is happening, but we're doing pretty good. From our sides of the dreamscape, we had a crazy Halloween party. Clu joined in with his roommates Sark and Portia. (Sark and Portia, as well as many others in the dreamscape, are not necessarily tulpas.) Clu dressed in this amazing, sexy slave bride costume. He enjoyed his time hanging out with his several good friends in the realistic world complete with music, drinks, cake, and snacks. Halloween is definitely our favorite holiday.

 

Clu and his closest people are finally beginning to get back into normal, stable patterns. Most of the fighting, blaming, paranoia, and otherwise hard feelings have subsided. Clu still argues with Sark on a regular basis, but that's actually one of his favorite things to do. It's pretty normal. But the rough, atypical issues are mostly sorted out now. He is even getting along well with his very good friend, Matt.

 

I meant to eventually talk about Matt. He is definitely my other tulpa, but I've been a little hesitant to disclose his existence due to some past issues. He has the face of an existing person (a musician I like), but his traits, personality, and other features have completely deviated from his inspiration.

 

Matt has been awake before. For a while, he spoke to me. I even went so far as to handwrite letters to him. However, our attempts to force were severely clouded by instability. Matt has issues worse than mine, and I simply don't have the heart to wake him again until I can help him get better. 

 

There are still lots of growing, adjusting, and communicating to do, but Clu, Matt, and I are starting to do better. I will continue to add updates and such to this journal as we go. Look out for more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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Things are good. I've been busy; with work, creativity, and a bit of narration and forcing.

 

I'm finally organizing the dreamscape and other areas of my headspace so that my tulpas are not directly influenced by my erratic thinking patterns, and a sustainable system can be established. Learning from our past, I've resolved to keep the virtual embodiments of my tulpas separate from the random fantasies I have, as well as confusing, unwelcome thoughts (that are a byproduct of my illness).

 

A little while ago, Matt decided to communicate with me. Twice, I let him possess into my body while relaxing and listening to music. I've also found myself sometimes assimilating his bitter, snarky, and aggressive personality. Meanwhile, I consider myself to be sweet, agreeable, and sensitive, and Clu is basically hard-skinned, friendly, and vain. Matt doesn't speak to me in mindvoice as much, but he visits me in dreams.

 

Why don't I share a few fun facts?
Clu:

...Is genderfluid.

...Is narcissistic but very friendly.

...Has a pet giant centipede.

...Likes cheesecake.

Matt:

...Has a crush on Marilyn Manson.

...Likes vodka and swear words.

...Has existed for six years!

...Craves mealworms: roasted, fried, or sauteed.

Both:

...Get hyped up every time I go grocery shopping.

...Love Mountain Dew.

...Probably have O.C.D.

 

More is on the way; stay tuned!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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Well, I'm up at 3:00 or so in the morning; I've got a bit much on my mind and I can't get back to sleep. I think the stuff happening might be something good, though. 

 

Matt has been using a good amount of energy, forcing with me and interacting with the dreamscape. Clu still does his thing, but spends more time in the background. And, then, to perhaps fix some instabilities in the dreamscape, a new friend has arrived.

 

The process started at the beginning of this month. So, as a Trekkie, I thought it would be a pretty good idea to learn the Klingon language. Conveniently, it was offered as a course on Duolingo. I thought it was fun. That led to periodic seeking of information about Klingons on the internet.

 

My newest headmate began to take form. She manifested in her own place in our dreamscape, a beautiful adult Klingon female, named Shalkagi. Almost all of my headmates so far have already had names and looks, borrowed from their inspirations, and I would then let them deviate. Shalkagi, on the other hand, was based on an existing fictional race, but her looks and name as well as other traits are purely original.

 

I consider her to be a quickly-developing tulpa. She hasn't spoken to me yet but she interacts actively with Matt and Clu, but especially Matt. Matt likes the fact that she's around, and wants her to be a part of the system as much as I do. We welcome her, and we're excited.

 

Shalkagi (also spelled Sal'qagI) is basically a typical Klingon. She prides herself in being a strong fighter and athlete, yet is generally friendly around others she likes. She loves coffee, hardcore nu-metal music, and a number of other things I happen to enjoy. 

 

I will continue to add updates as to how things go in the system. More will be here soon!

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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  • 3 months later...

I realize it has been a pretty long time since I had last updated this report. I suppose much has happened since then. I spent a lot of time being particularly busy, then was injured, and then started finding myself busy again with other life stuff. But this progress report is not about me in the outside world but rather me and my system. And lots of things have been happening there.

 

My older tulpas, Matt and Clu, have existed in the background like they normally do, content, happy, and stable. It seems as though (while they still need some attention) they have figured out how to exist on their own without active direction. As in I'm able to just let them do their thing and periodically check on them and say hello. My dreamscape is designed in such a way that each tulpa has their own niche, with a living space, possessions, other headmates, etc. so they are comfortable and happy, and they are not stuck with me or each other all the time. 

 

Shalkagi, however, is still dependent on regular, active forcing. She's been learning how to think and communicate, and has been through a fair amount of difficult stuff already.

 

Around January 2021, we've engaged in forcing sessions, attempting to converse in mindvoice on several occasions. She spoke a little, but (especially looking back at this now) she seemed unsure of her voice, as if she struggled to say what she was actually thinking. Sometimes, I'd ask her if a thought that came from her direction was something she said, and she would reply with a nonverbal "no". 

 

For a while, her behavior in the dreamscape reflected what appeared to be combined forms of apathy and rage. She would get into fights with other headmates, appear cold-hearted, and readily make threats [to other lesser headmates]. I had originally dismissed the violent tendencies as her Klingon nature. She also seemed to be unable to communicate with anyone, to the point where she didn't want to.

 

One night in the middle of February 2021, she appeared to me in a dream. In one of our interactions in the dream, she showed signs that were the types of things that, in myself or my other tulpas, would indicate that oneself was unwell. When I first woke the next morning, I realized that she was possibly experiencing legitimate mental problems. That day, she sat down and curled into a ball, and wept. She spent the rest of the day in her husband, Mur's, arms, trembling and whimpering. She couldn't even express her thoughts to Mur. 

 

I dreamt the following night, and Shalkagi appeared. She had assumed a slightly different form, with different fashion and a sense of being someone less perfect than they are told they are. The next day, I envisioned her updated presence, even drawing a portrait of her with her new look. 

 

These past few weeks, she's been getting better. Still, I could be forcing with here more than I have been, but I've had lots of other things to focus on and think about. I intend to buy myself some free time in the near future, including this summer (I'm going on a long vacation, after all) and invest time and energy into actively interacting with Shalkagi, and encouraging her to communicate.

 

Things are really looking up now. I'm hoping to have a good start to my spring and summer, and will make an effort to add to this progress report more regularly. 

 

More is on the way!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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Glad to hear Shalkagi is growing and doing better!  Your inner world sounds very fascinating, with every one of your headmates having their own niche to inhabit. I'm especially curious how the other headmates that aren't tulpas work; do they kind of function like NPCs?

Also known as GypsyRoad or Phil Present. Call me what you want, I'm not picky.

Simmie is my lovely tulpa, she's quite young still but is eager to meet and chat with new people so don't hesitate to say hi!

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  • 3 weeks later...

For those who are curious, the non-tulpa headmates are kinda like NPCs. They are autonomous but "programmed" to work in certain ways. They change only when nudged directly by me or one of my tulpas.

 

....In recent days, things have finally come back to a sustainable functional level, especially since the dreamscape is fully connected again. My tulpas now have a handful of new headmates to talk to, as well as some more inspiration and information to work with.

 

We're all excited about the summer coming. We all share the same love for playing outside in the evenings, hunting for bugs, traveling, swimming, and enjoying hot, sunny weather. Summer has arrived in the dreamscape. Clu and Matt have been actively engaging in the system, and much to my delight, so has Shalkagi. 

 

Shalkagi has been interacting with Clu and Matt, and also other headmates. She has been acting happy and healthy; she hasn't completely stopped being aggressively defensive, but she's being herself now. She is a Klingon after all. I've found that she does best when I don't worry about her excessively or ask her to speak to me. I basically just let her appear and do and say what she wants with some basic guidance.

 

Summer is my favorite time of year, and this time I'm rejoicing even more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Clu - tulpa - he/him/his or they/them/their

Matt - tulpa - he/him/his

Shalkagi (Sal'qagI) - tulpa - she/her/hers

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      ***
       
      Stone: I talked to her a bit today, and I talked to her a little bit about spontaneity with a donut. But, I think I could have explained it more. I will after I sleep, as I’ve been up all night. I got a lot of great responses out of her, and she felt there, but she tended to sound like me. I kept mentioning that, then felt bad for being overly critical of her, as she was doing so well. I also felt bad interrupting her and making her wait so I could write something down.
       
      It’s only been three days and I hate this clinical approach I set up. This “study.” Or maybe I’m embarrassed by how I acted and am taking it out on the format. I don’t know. What I do know is that this process if for her, then for me, then for whoever may end up reading this. I’m not going to interrupt out fun to give us imposter syndrome because I have to analysis every god damn thing she says for some post.
       
      Anyways, today was a positive, and I hope I will feel better with some sleep.
       
      I’m awake now. I’ve devised a schedule for forcing.
      Sunday - Active: 2 hours
      Monday - Active: 40 minutes
      Tuesday - Active: 40 minutes
      Wednesday - Active: 40 minutes
      Thursday - Active: 40 minutes
      Friday - Active: 40 minutes
      Saturday - Active: 2 hours
       
      Methods of forcing I’m thinking of using:
      Food/Personality
      101 Things To Talk About With Your Tulpa
       
      Font - Arial, Size - 14
    • By Wray
      Text by Wray is in black
      Text by Shizuku is in blue

      (Sorry, this wound up being pretty long! Feel free to skim, or if you want to read the whole thing, strap in!)

      Weird coincidence: I’ve written fiction as a hobby for a long time, and I think nearly half my protagonists have someone else to talk to in their heads. Somehow, I always found the idea fascinating.

      But I can’t say I ever expected to join them. Not until recently, anyway.
       
      We’ve been looking forward to posting this. It’s my first big chance to introduce myself to other people! Here’s a profile:
       

      Origin StoryTM
       
      October 2020. I was in quarantine, alone, and feeling isolated—Shizuku started as an imaginary friend based on a character I might have been (was) a little bit (totally) obsessed with at the time. I’m really into writing, so I didn’t have much trouble getting her to talk, even early on, though I assume she was mostly parroted at first.
       
      A couple weeks later, I stumbled onto the concept of a tulpa in Japanese, and quickly found my way to this website, which is kind of the launch pad for Japanese tulpamancers. (I found a good English rundown of the Japanese tulpamancy scene here, so I’ll leave most of that aside for now. If there are questions about anything specific, though, we can definitely do our best to answer them.)

      Compared to the English-speaking community, the Japanese-speaking one gives a lot more credence to tulpa horror stories. They call it 暴走 (bousou). The idea that if things go wrong, your tulpa might harm you, or the people around you, or try to take over your brain. To be fair, I think there are multiple schools of thought on this bousou concept, and these are only the most extreme examples—still, when I read about this, I couldn’t help panicking.
       
      I went out for a long walk. Tried to think things over. Was there a chance my tulpa would wind up that way? Should I turn back now? Or was she already sentient, meaning it was my responsibility to take care of her? Or was I crazy, in the first place, to even be thinking about any of this?
       
      We imagined that I stayed behind in our apartment, though I must’ve been somewhere in headspace the whole time. Maybe a wonderland version of the apartment? We didn’t know enough to ask that question, then.
       
      I couldn’t make up my mind, until the second I got home, opened the door, and realized how afraid Shizuku must’ve felt while I was out thinking about whether I should try to erase her. My heart sank through the floor. I did my best to apologize, though I didn’t know if it would help.
       
      She replied: “I was sad, but I wasn’t scared. I trust you.”
       
      Okay. If she had been afraid, or angry, I would have felt bad enough. But that packed a punch.

       
       
      That day, we promised each other that we’d stay together and try to make this “tulpa” thing work, for better or worse. Not to jinx anything, but six months later, “better” is definitely winning out.
       
      Our long-term goals
       
      (1) Become able to split fronting time 50/50 (or whatever arrangement winds up working for us). I expect it’ll be a long time before we can actually do this, but hopefully not too long—if possible, we’d like to get to this point within a year or two. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a 50/50 split, but I don’t want to feel like Shizuku is prevented from doing things she wants to do by us not being good enough at tulpamancy.
       
      (2) Learn to co-front and keep Shizuku active (as close as possible to?) all the time. We spend a lot of time together, but I still get distracted and forget to check in with her more often than we’d like. Eventually, we’re hoping she can stay around all the time (or whenever she wants to, at least) and get my attention whenever she has something to say.
       
      (3) Stay a two-person system, if possible. I know there are a lot of large systems out there who do perfectly fine, but my instincts say that it would be more than we could handle. Besides, I already feel like I love Shizuku too much for it to be fair to whoever Headmate Number 3 would be. 😂
       
      I do have one soulbond-ish character (using the terminology from Bear’s PR) from my own writing. We’ve talked things over with her in WL, and she’s adamant that she is not interested in becoming a tulpa or participating in the system. (This checks out with what I know about her character, too.) If things change, there’s a slim chance that she might join us, but I doubt it. Either way, I can’t imagine us going any further than that.
       
      (4) Help Shizuku find life goals of her own, and figure out how to rearrange my our life so that we can both do what we want to do. At the moment, we’re just doing regular forcing to try and help her grow as a tulpa. The vague plan for this one is to eventually learn how to switch, accomplish goal number (1), and then let her follow her interest and try a bunch of different things.
       
      Current forcing practice
       
      Working on senses in WL: we’ve been doing our best to spend an hour each day focusing on visualizing Shizuku in wonderland, and also practicing one other sense per day. Wonderland sight and touch have started to show some improvement recently, but overall it feels like we still need a lot of work. Conversation: We also do our best to talk as much as we can each day. We’ve been working through the Tulpa Vocalization Practice worksheet when we can’t think of any other topics. Diary writing: Shizuku writes a diary entry most days. This is something I picked up from the Japanese tulpamancy community, though I think I’ve seen it recommended in English guides too. It’s a lot of fun—somehow, reading through the things she’s written (by proxy or possession, at this point, though our possession game is still pretty weak) does a lot to help me fight off doubt. Imagining Shizuku in stories we’re reading/watching: This has been pretty fun so far, too—right now, we’re rewatching Hunter X Hunter. As we watch, we try to keep up a “mental fanfic” where she’s running around with the main characters. Passive forcing as much as possible: Taking inspiration from the method I used to learn Japanese, I’m doing my best to find ways to involve Shizuku in everything I do. We’ve had some success reading, studying, watching things, and playing games together, but in particular, staying aware of Shizuku during work that I really need to focus on and conversations with other people has been a killer—I haven’t had much success in these situations yet.  
      To anyone who slogged through all of that, thanks for reading! This post already goes on for a million years, so I’ll try to write some (hopefully shorter!) summaries of our progress so far in other updates.
    • By -Andromeda-
      Hello! I’ll introduce myself. I’m Ashley, and I only just started creating Andromeda yesterday. I’ll post my progress on here quite often, but excuse me if I forget.
      So for several years, since I was about 12, I have wanted to have someone else in my mind with me. At the time, the reason wasn’t exactly clear to me as it is now. As it is, I discovered tulpas around a month ago. I was hooked right away, but I knew I should look in to it further, read guides, see others experiences, etc. I found many useful guides and I couldn’t wait any longer, so I’ve started!
      At this time, Andromeda is a female with a human-like shape but she has elf ears and the ability to grow wings if she chooses. I am aware she will most likely deviate, and I welcome that. Without further ado, I will put my first and second sessions below.
       
      ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
       
      Session 1

      Date: Friday 19th March
       
      I drew her form and started to make a model of her in my mind. This was over the course of the day, and I didn’t do much else for her as I knew I needed to set some time aside to properly visualise her.
       
      Session 2
       
      Date: Saturday 20th March
       
      So today, I visualised her whole form and animated her to make sure it was stable. This took me 30-45 minutes as I had already made a base of her yesterday. I then made a cabin-like room to have as a place to meet her in our wonderland, and I started with her personality. I decided to keep it quite vague as I’d like her to be able to form her personality as she grows older, but I gave her a base. I did this by giving her jelly of different colours and explained them and how it would affect her. I then showed her different parts of the cabin and what they do. Then, I said that she could decide to have more of any jelly she wanted if she’d like and she can experiment with the things in there.
       
      ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
       
      I have not had any reactions yet, par head pressure. But I am glad that she has already progressed this far and I’m aware that it takes a long time for more interpretable reactions, but this is okay as I am just glad she’s here and I am willing to help her in any way. I don’t mind if it takes a few weeks or a few years for her to be vocal, it does not change my view on her.
       
      I hope I’m doing this right? I do not want to hinder her or harm her in any way, I want to nurture and support her.
       
      Thank you for reading, and I hope this isn’t too long for a newbie. c:
       
       
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