Jump to content

Xenon - with Shalkagi, Q, and Lanna


Recommended Posts

Please note: I welcome comments, questions, etc. but please Private Message me if you have a query! Thank you!!

 

I'm just your average, everyday, "female" genderfluid person. I'm a spiritual Christian, I like rock 'n' roll, and my favorite animal is a tarantula.

 

This is basically the notebook I share with my tulpa, Clu. I will write about us, and, sometimes I might let Clu write a little. Welcome to our journal.

 

Let me start at the beginning. In 2010, a movie called TRON: Legacy came out. I loved it and thought a lot about the characters. Off and on, I would add to and play with a little complex world in my head. I had a crush on Zuse. I also thought CLU 2.0 was a pretty cool character. Let's wind the clocks forward to about 2015. I developed a major crush on a British rock singer. I also began to occasionally hear random voices in my head, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I'll leave out the gory details. I took a medication that fixed the 'voices' problem eventually. Still, I would play around with my world (which part of would later become a dreamscape).

 

Around this time, I discovered tulpa.info. I spent many hours reading guidebooks and such. I was intrigued and badly wanted to create a tulpa, and I knew I could make one. However, I decided not to rush anything, and awaited the right time, bearing in mind everything I'd learned.

 

As I was building my world these past few years (and had watched original TRON from 1982), I found I had very elaborately expanded on a select group of characters. They were CLU 2.0, Sark, Jarvis, and Portia. I noticed CLU 2.0 was definitely the most developed; he had very far more original personality and traits than observed from the movie. It was also evident that I didn't have a cut-out plan for how the character was supposed to be like. Also, he would do and say things within that small world when I wasn't even thinking. I then remembered what I had read and gathered about tulpas.

 

Roughly a week ago, I switched medications. I found I could think much more clearly and was in touch with my mind. I realized Clu actually existed; he wasn't an original character, he is a tulpa! I made it a point to handle him some, and a couple of days ago, he started talking to me. Today, we had an amazing day together. 

 

That's the history, basically.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites
(edited)

This is our first practical progress report. Today, Clu and I forced quite a bit. We talked over some important concepts and nearly got into an argument. We had some good casual conversation, too. I think he may be a little obsessive-compulsive as he would point out all my cleaning and organization mistakes at work as well as show other, more relevant, traits of OCD. Beside the point, we had fun. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at his remarks. He helped me come up with a few wordings as I was writing. We chatted a little more, and then he fell asleep as I made my way home.

 

Currently, Clu is still early in his journey to independent sentience. He speaks to me through mindvoice, but he has his own sound to the effect I can tell who is talking for the most part.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites

My head is finally starting to work properly. I had two days of crazy transcendence, and now, I'm gathering myself into healthy thought patterns.

 

Yesterday afternoon to now, Clu and I didn't seem to get to force. Perhaps I just needed some alone time. Also, I realized we are a lot further back in our progress than I had assumed. He doesn't say much in words around this time, but I can feel him there and I reminded him that he still existed and could connect with me if he needed to.

 

However, yesterday morning, we forced for a while. I let him pick out his fashion; he dresses in drag from time to time. He's good at it and I will have to show you all one of his looks sometime. We were listening to some of my favorite music while I was out on my walk. I typically listen to nu-metal such as Disturbed, Korn, and Marilyn Manson, and other types of metal, including Evanescence. Clu likes metal as well, and I let him pick through the songs on my playlist. He told me he used to really like System of a Down, but also now likes Scorn, Tool, and Nine Inch Nails. 

 

As we went along, he brought up a gal I know that I might have a crush on. Clu said I "definitely" have a crush on her. We talked about our crushes, and I asked him if there was anyone in my world that he liked. He gave me a list of guys I know. I am rarely interested in men and Clu could care less about girls. I am asexual, but Clu has sexual desires.

 

Looking up from now, I'm hoping to enjoy the weekend, and relax and let Clu do whatever he wants in the dreamscape. I will be sure to document the fun we have or anything special that happens.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please note: I welcome your thoughts and ideas, but please private message me!

Thanks!

 

As my recovery progresses, and my thoughts settle, things are in a way going back to how they were. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm just going back to narrating the dreamscape for a while. I will keep you guys posted on how we're doing, and the fun stuff that just seems to happen in my head. Well, you see, I just got to protect my sanity until I get used to my life changes.

 

Fret not, more is coming. And, I will be sure to share ideas, memories, and artwork about Clu and I.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Not much forcing is happening, but we're doing pretty good. From our sides of the dreamscape, we had a crazy Halloween party. Clu joined in with his roommates Sark and Portia. (Sark and Portia, as well as many others in the dreamscape, are not necessarily tulpas.) Clu dressed in this amazing, sexy slave bride costume. He enjoyed his time hanging out with his several good friends in the realistic world complete with music, drinks, cake, and snacks. Halloween is definitely our favorite holiday.

 

Clu and his closest people are finally beginning to get back into normal, stable patterns. Most of the fighting, blaming, paranoia, and otherwise hard feelings have subsided. Clu still argues with Sark on a regular basis, but that's actually one of his favorite things to do. It's pretty normal. But the rough, atypical issues are mostly sorted out now. He is even getting along well with his very good friend, Matt.

 

I meant to eventually talk about Matt. He is definitely my other tulpa, but I've been a little hesitant to disclose his existence due to some past issues. He has the face of an existing person (a musician I like), but his traits, personality, and other features have completely deviated from his inspiration.

 

Matt has been awake before. For a while, he spoke to me. I even went so far as to handwrite letters to him. However, our attempts to force were severely clouded by instability. Matt has issues worse than mine, and I simply don't have the heart to wake him again until I can help him get better. 

 

There are still lots of growing, adjusting, and communicating to do, but Clu, Matt, and I are starting to do better. I will continue to add updates and such to this journal as we go. Look out for more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Things are good. I've been busy; with work, creativity, and a bit of narration and forcing.

 

I'm finally organizing the dreamscape and other areas of my headspace so that my tulpas are not directly influenced by my erratic thinking patterns, and a sustainable system can be established. Learning from our past, I've resolved to keep the virtual embodiments of my tulpas separate from the random fantasies I have, as well as confusing, unwelcome thoughts (that are a byproduct of my illness).

 

A little while ago, Matt decided to communicate with me. Twice, I let him possess into my body while relaxing and listening to music. I've also found myself sometimes assimilating his bitter, snarky, and aggressive personality. Meanwhile, I consider myself to be sweet, agreeable, and sensitive, and Clu is basically hard-skinned, friendly, and vain. Matt doesn't speak to me in mindvoice as much, but he visits me in dreams.

 

Why don't I share a few fun facts?
Clu:

...Is genderfluid.

...Is narcissistic but very friendly.

...Has a pet giant centipede.

...Likes cheesecake.

Matt:

...Has a crush on Marilyn Manson.

...Likes vodka and swear words.

...Has existed for six years!

...Craves mealworms: roasted, fried, or sauteed.

Both:

...Get hyped up every time I go grocery shopping.

...Love Mountain Dew.

...Probably have O.C.D.

 

More is on the way; stay tuned!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm up at 3:00 or so in the morning; I've got a bit much on my mind and I can't get back to sleep. I think the stuff happening might be something good, though. 

 

Matt has been using a good amount of energy, forcing with me and interacting with the dreamscape. Clu still does his thing, but spends more time in the background. And, then, to perhaps fix some instabilities in the dreamscape, a new friend has arrived.

 

The process started at the beginning of this month. So, as a Trekkie, I thought it would be a pretty good idea to learn the Klingon language. Conveniently, it was offered as a course on Duolingo. I thought it was fun. That led to periodic seeking of information about Klingons on the internet.

 

My newest headmate began to take form. She manifested in her own place in our dreamscape, a beautiful adult Klingon female, named Shalkagi. Almost all of my headmates so far have already had names and looks, borrowed from their inspirations, and I would then let them deviate. Shalkagi, on the other hand, was based on an existing fictional race, but her looks and name as well as other traits are purely original.

 

I consider her to be a quickly-developing tulpa. She hasn't spoken to me yet but she interacts actively with Matt and Clu, but especially Matt. Matt likes the fact that she's around, and wants her to be a part of the system as much as I do. We welcome her, and we're excited.

 

Shalkagi (also spelled Sal'qagI) is basically a typical Klingon. She prides herself in being a strong fighter and athlete, yet is generally friendly around others she likes. She loves coffee, hardcore nu-metal music, and a number of other things I happen to enjoy. 

 

I will continue to add updates as to how things go in the system. More will be here soon!

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...

I realize it has been a pretty long time since I had last updated this report. I suppose much has happened since then. I spent a lot of time being particularly busy, then was injured, and then started finding myself busy again with other life stuff. But this progress report is not about me in the outside world but rather me and my system. And lots of things have been happening there.

 

My older tulpas, Matt and Clu, have existed in the background like they normally do, content, happy, and stable. It seems as though (while they still need some attention) they have figured out how to exist on their own without active direction. As in I'm able to just let them do their thing and periodically check on them and say hello. My dreamscape is designed in such a way that each tulpa has their own niche, with a living space, possessions, other headmates, etc. so they are comfortable and happy, and they are not stuck with me or each other all the time. 

 

Shalkagi, however, is still dependent on regular, active forcing. She's been learning how to think and communicate, and has been through a fair amount of difficult stuff already.

 

Around January 2021, we've engaged in forcing sessions, attempting to converse in mindvoice on several occasions. She spoke a little, but (especially looking back at this now) she seemed unsure of her voice, as if she struggled to say what she was actually thinking. Sometimes, I'd ask her if a thought that came from her direction was something she said, and she would reply with a nonverbal "no". 

 

For a while, her behavior in the dreamscape reflected what appeared to be combined forms of apathy and rage. She would get into fights with other headmates, appear cold-hearted, and readily make threats [to other lesser headmates]. I had originally dismissed the violent tendencies as her Klingon nature. She also seemed to be unable to communicate with anyone, to the point where she didn't want to.

 

One night in the middle of February 2021, she appeared to me in a dream. In one of our interactions in the dream, she showed signs that were the types of things that, in myself or my other tulpas, would indicate that oneself was unwell. When I first woke the next morning, I realized that she was possibly experiencing legitimate mental problems. That day, she sat down and curled into a ball, and wept. She spent the rest of the day in her husband, Mur's, arms, trembling and whimpering. She couldn't even express her thoughts to Mur. 

 

I dreamt the following night, and Shalkagi appeared. She had assumed a slightly different form, with different fashion and a sense of being someone less perfect than they are told they are. The next day, I envisioned her updated presence, even drawing a portrait of her with her new look. 

 

These past few weeks, she's been getting better. Still, I could be forcing with here more than I have been, but I've had lots of other things to focus on and think about. I intend to buy myself some free time in the near future, including this summer (I'm going on a long vacation, after all) and invest time and energy into actively interacting with Shalkagi, and encouraging her to communicate.

 

Things are really looking up now. I'm hoping to have a good start to my spring and summer, and will make an effort to add to this progress report more regularly. 

 

More is on the way!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Glad to hear Shalkagi is growing and doing better!  Your inner world sounds very fascinating, with every one of your headmates having their own niche to inhabit. I'm especially curious how the other headmates that aren't tulpas work; do they kind of function like NPCs?

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

For those who are curious, the non-tulpa headmates are kinda like NPCs. They are autonomous but "programmed" to work in certain ways. They change only when nudged directly by me or one of my tulpas.

 

....In recent days, things have finally come back to a sustainable functional level, especially since the dreamscape is fully connected again. My tulpas now have a handful of new headmates to talk to, as well as some more inspiration and information to work with.

 

We're all excited about the summer coming. We all share the same love for playing outside in the evenings, hunting for bugs, traveling, swimming, and enjoying hot, sunny weather. Summer has arrived in the dreamscape. Clu and Matt have been actively engaging in the system, and much to my delight, so has Shalkagi. 

 

Shalkagi has been interacting with Clu and Matt, and also other headmates. She has been acting happy and healthy; she hasn't completely stopped being aggressively defensive, but she's being herself now. She is a Klingon after all. I've found that she does best when I don't worry about her excessively or ask her to speak to me. I basically just let her appear and do and say what she wants with some basic guidance.

 

Summer is my favorite time of year, and this time I'm rejoicing even more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Xenon changed the title to Xenon - with Shalkagi, Q, and Lanna

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Similar Content

    • By horsetulpamancer
      used references for both, they look alright in my opinion, colors are sucky due to old pencil crayons.
       


    • By OrdoVsInfo
      So i started development of a tulpa about 2.5 days ago and she's been progressing very rapidly. The first day I spent forcing I came up with a placeholder form and name to help visualize ( I called her Tulp before she chose her own ) and embedded that form with some basic traits i wanted her to be built around and started narateing and parroting her responses. a while later she began to answer me with yes and no. she told me later she knew I would think I was still parroting if she just answered normally so instead since she already knew what i was going to say she interrupted me while i was relaying the thought to her. The next day I tried talking to her more and she started to diversify her vocabulary a bit with words like sure, uh-huh, nope, or nah. Later that day I asked her how she was feeling and she responded with happy. Whenever I ask questions that require more than one word to answer though I feel like i'm definitely parroting because the responses are exactly what I thought she'd say and they don't sound or feel like her. Later that day we talked about what kinda form she wanted and she decided she's 6'2", has black medium length hair, fair skin, a wide mouth and a perky nose. I also asked her what her favorite primary color is and she said yellow. We'll keep working hard and i'll post more updates as they come!
       
      UPDATE
       
      i forgot to mention that i created a mindspace for us that consists of my room and her room ( witch she decorated all b herself! ) and outside is a street and on the other side of that is a park. the street cuts off on both sides and the entire rest of the area is covered in grass as far as the eye can see. Tulip spends a lot of time in the park and also likes to draw things from my memories sometimes.
    • By Abvieon
      Abvieon's Guide to Fast and Effective Tulpa Creation
      Backup link
       
      Creating a tulpa doesn’t have to take a long time, and it doesn’t have to be filled with obstacles.
       
      This guide’s main purpose is to help you create a tulpa relatively quickly while avoiding issues and roadblocks along the way. I have noticed many people giving up or progressing slowly with their tulpa’s development for reasons that can be remedied with just a bit of extra knowledge. My hope is that this guide will help that happen a little less often. 
       
      A large part of what tends to cause slow progress in tulpa creation is incomplete knowledge of what you’re getting yourself into, or not enough preparation. Many people get preoccupied and distracted with things that could have been practiced before starting to create their tulpa, instead of afterwards. You will be encouraged to get some of the hardest parts out of the way before and soon after you start creating your tulpa, rather than stumbling through certain unnecessary aspects of trial and error later on in the process. You will preemptively build a strong mindset and foundation for your tulpa to grow from instead of piecing it together after you’ve already begun trying to get your tulpa to “come to life.” This guide is based on what I’ve learned from my own experiences and about 7 years of observations of what does and doesn’t work well for others.
       
      A few things to keep in mind while reading this guide:
       
      As you could probably tell due to its length, this guide is not for those who are looking for a quick and simple explanation of tulpa creation. It is meant for those who want to learn everything they can and don’t mind a lot of details. But don’t feel like you need to read it all in one go! You might ask “If this is a guide for fast creation, why is it so long? Seems ironic.” The answer is that fast tulpa creation comes with the tradeoff of plenty of preparation and learning beforehand. If you were looking for an easy shortcut, sorry, but this isn’t it.
       
      Make sure you recognize the fact that there is no one universal set of steps required to create a tulpa. It is possible to successfully create a tulpa in several different ways. This guide does not focus on the very broad idea of simply creating a tulpa, but rather creating a tulpa in a way specifically for helping the process to go quickly and avoiding certain things that trip people up. Some of the instructions here are not required in general, instead only important to this particular method. Also, many of the things said here are based on personal opinions, experiences, and theories, so don’t come into this expecting pure objectivity, and recognize that things may work a little differently for you.
       
      Most of this guide will be fairly structured and specific. There are a lot of people who feel lost without a specific framework to follow and this was written with those people in mind. If you are not one of these people and this level of structure is unnecessary for you, don’t feel compelled to follow these steps closely. Just take the bits and pieces that you feel are useful to you and mash them together in any way and any order you’d like.
       
      This guide is newcomer friendly, and will cover information that those new to the concept of tulpas may not yet know. Whether you first learned about tulpas a day ago or a decade ago, you can make use of this guide.
       
      ---
       
      This guide includes information on all of the following topics, and more:
       
      What to consider before creating a tulpa
      Common concerns and fears about tulpas
      How to prepare your mind and life for a tulpa
      Visualisation
      Personality
      Mindscapes/wonderlands
      Narration
      Hypnosis
      Signs of sentience
      Vocality
      What to do if you seem stuck
      Parallel processing
      Possession
      Switching
      Imposition
      Tips for living life as a system
      Abvieon's Guide to Fast and Effective Tulpa Creation (1).docx
    • By ArsenyZvonar
      I had this idea circling in my mind regarding the way tulpamancy experiences are being discussed that I wasn't sure how to express. So generally, the things that we experience can be divided into either events that are certain or those that take a specific place on a spectre. A certain event is something that can be easily put into words, like the lack or presence of something (for example lights on/lights off), but there are also things that can't be, due to their nature, conveniently described with words. As an example, take a person who's being asked what the temperature in the room is like. They can say that it was too warm or that it was too cold, which is something most people will usually agree on. But they can also use the expression that the temperature was "pretty average" or "ok", and here's the problem that comes with it. The temperature that the person in question considers to be "ok" or "average" can be very subjective. And I don't mean the subjectivity of an experience, I mean the subjectivity of concept definition.

      There are words that we use that we don't give much thought, because we tend to assume that their definition is universal. We obviously don't clarify every time wheter our understanding of concepts like "tall" or "wide" match that of a person we talk to. It would simply be too inconvenient, so we instead run with the assumption that our understanding of the concept is the same, deeming it easier to just clarify it should a misunderstanding arise. But I think that this aspect is often being overlooked when people discuss tulpamancy experiences. What I'm getting on here is that possibly a significant portion of doubts that people get to deal with could be attributed to these discrepancies in concepts understanding.

      Here's an example of what I mean. Imagine a person who's trying to help their headmate achieve vocality. They read a guide or maybe a post that describes vocality as essentially a way of communication where one hears their headmate. They associate those words with their understanding of what hearing is and start practicing. They spend a month, two months, three months consistently practicing, and they do achieve certain results, but they never quite get there. They assume that they're doing something wrong or that something wrong is with their headmate. They start doubting. But in fact, they did everything right and had gotten exactly where they should've, it's just that the current way they hear their headmate ended up not matching their expectation of what hearing would work like. It happened both because the guide/post they read didn't describe what hearing a headmate is like, and because they didn't give much thought to where exactly their definition of hearing is on the scale from complete lack of any thoughts and a vivid hallucination that feels completely alien as if it was coming from another person outside their mind.

      From cases like these come questions like "How well can you X" or "What does X feel like". But that's not as much of an issue if they do receive a good answer to their question. The problem here is in that not everyone will ask those questions, and even if they do the answer may introduce even more confusion. Someone might say "I can hear them clearly". Well, what does "clearly" imply in this sentence exactly? Is it supposed to feel slightly muffled, but still be easy enough to make out words? Is it meant to feel like it's coming from inside or from outside? And if neither of these details match does that mean the person is not able to hear their headmate clearly? What if they already achieved the best possible quality, but expect it to be better and think that it's not in fact clear. Because of these discrepancies, someone (person A) may claim they do hear their headmates clearly, because they think that it doesn't get much clearer that that. At the same time, another person (person B) who in fact had gone a lot further than person A may claim that they can't hear their headmates very well, because in their understanding it should be even clearer. This way you end up with a false comparison when person A seems to have better developed skills thatn person B, while in fact it's the complete opposite.

      And it gets the more dangerous the more complex the concept that's being discussed is. There aren't many words that can describe how sentient and independent someone is. Headmates are a relatively novel concept in terms of how we think of them nowadays, and therefore the languages we speak don't really have words that describe how we experience the sentience and independence of someone inside. When we discuss these concepts and how far we've gotten in developing such skills we have to make do with what our language offers. How red is that red exactly? Uh... MiIdly red? Slightly more saturated than regular red? Oh, no, it's not red, it's crimson. Except we don't have crimson, cherry, ruby, scarlet, garnet, and rose words equivalents for describing the concepts of sentience and independence. I think it's a very important thing to keep in mind when judging own progress.

      What do y'all think of this?
    • By ArsenyZvonar
      I had written this note for those who find themselves struggling with procrastination or general lack of motivation when it comes to active forcing and 'mancing practices in general. Not sure what section this should go under, but I myself wouldn't consider it to be a guide hence why I named it the way I did. Critique on this piece is very welcome! I suspect I might've written it with a slightly too confident of an attitude. Same for grammar. I kinda suck at constructing fluently sounding sentences and using commas, haha.

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/15ssfwHz_neK4J2DNWU3_yA-vy7kHkHjnKtFaaY1hUj4/edit?usp=sharing
      Getting There_ A Note on Productivity.pdf
×
×
  • Create New...