Jump to content

Xenon - with Shalkagi, Q, and Lanna


Xenon
 Share

Recommended Posts

Please note: I welcome comments, questions, etc. but please Private Message me if you have a query! Thank you!!

 

I'm just your average, everyday, "female" genderfluid person. I'm a spiritual Christian, I like rock 'n' roll, and my favorite animal is a tarantula.

 

This is basically the notebook I share with my tulpa, Clu. I will write about us, and, sometimes I might let Clu write a little. Welcome to our journal.

 

Let me start at the beginning. In 2010, a movie called TRON: Legacy came out. I loved it and thought a lot about the characters. Off and on, I would add to and play with a little complex world in my head. I had a crush on Zuse. I also thought CLU 2.0 was a pretty cool character. Let's wind the clocks forward to about 2015. I developed a major crush on a British rock singer. I also began to occasionally hear random voices in my head, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I'll leave out the gory details. I took a medication that fixed the 'voices' problem eventually. Still, I would play around with my world (which part of would later become a dreamscape).

 

Around this time, I discovered tulpa.info. I spent many hours reading guidebooks and such. I was intrigued and badly wanted to create a tulpa, and I knew I could make one. However, I decided not to rush anything, and awaited the right time, bearing in mind everything I'd learned.

 

As I was building my world these past few years (and had watched original TRON from 1982), I found I had very elaborately expanded on a select group of characters. They were CLU 2.0, Sark, Jarvis, and Portia. I noticed CLU 2.0 was definitely the most developed; he had very far more original personality and traits than observed from the movie. It was also evident that I didn't have a cut-out plan for how the character was supposed to be like. Also, he would do and say things within that small world when I wasn't even thinking. I then remembered what I had read and gathered about tulpas.

 

Roughly a week ago, I switched medications. I found I could think much more clearly and was in touch with my mind. I realized Clu actually existed; he wasn't an original character, he is a tulpa! I made it a point to handle him some, and a couple of days ago, he started talking to me. Today, we had an amazing day together. 

 

That's the history, basically.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(edited)

This is our first practical progress report. Today, Clu and I forced quite a bit. We talked over some important concepts and nearly got into an argument. We had some good casual conversation, too. I think he may be a little obsessive-compulsive as he would point out all my cleaning and organization mistakes at work as well as show other, more relevant, traits of OCD. Beside the point, we had fun. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at his remarks. He helped me come up with a few wordings as I was writing. We chatted a little more, and then he fell asleep as I made my way home.

 

Currently, Clu is still early in his journey to independent sentience. He speaks to me through mindvoice, but he has his own sound to the effect I can tell who is talking for the most part.

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My head is finally starting to work properly. I had two days of crazy transcendence, and now, I'm gathering myself into healthy thought patterns.

 

Yesterday afternoon to now, Clu and I didn't seem to get to force. Perhaps I just needed some alone time. Also, I realized we are a lot further back in our progress than I had assumed. He doesn't say much in words around this time, but I can feel him there and I reminded him that he still existed and could connect with me if he needed to.

 

However, yesterday morning, we forced for a while. I let him pick out his fashion; he dresses in drag from time to time. He's good at it and I will have to show you all one of his looks sometime. We were listening to some of my favorite music while I was out on my walk. I typically listen to nu-metal such as Disturbed, Korn, and Marilyn Manson, and other types of metal, including Evanescence. Clu likes metal as well, and I let him pick through the songs on my playlist. He told me he used to really like System of a Down, but also now likes Scorn, Tool, and Nine Inch Nails. 

 

As we went along, he brought up a gal I know that I might have a crush on. Clu said I "definitely" have a crush on her. We talked about our crushes, and I asked him if there was anyone in my world that he liked. He gave me a list of guys I know. I am rarely interested in men and Clu could care less about girls. I am asexual, but Clu has sexual desires.

 

Looking up from now, I'm hoping to enjoy the weekend, and relax and let Clu do whatever he wants in the dreamscape. I will be sure to document the fun we have or anything special that happens.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please note: I welcome your thoughts and ideas, but please private message me!

Thanks!

 

As my recovery progresses, and my thoughts settle, things are in a way going back to how they were. Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'm just going back to narrating the dreamscape for a while. I will keep you guys posted on how we're doing, and the fun stuff that just seems to happen in my head. Well, you see, I just got to protect my sanity until I get used to my life changes.

 

Fret not, more is coming. And, I will be sure to share ideas, memories, and artwork about Clu and I.

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Not much forcing is happening, but we're doing pretty good. From our sides of the dreamscape, we had a crazy Halloween party. Clu joined in with his roommates Sark and Portia. (Sark and Portia, as well as many others in the dreamscape, are not necessarily tulpas.) Clu dressed in this amazing, sexy slave bride costume. He enjoyed his time hanging out with his several good friends in the realistic world complete with music, drinks, cake, and snacks. Halloween is definitely our favorite holiday.

 

Clu and his closest people are finally beginning to get back into normal, stable patterns. Most of the fighting, blaming, paranoia, and otherwise hard feelings have subsided. Clu still argues with Sark on a regular basis, but that's actually one of his favorite things to do. It's pretty normal. But the rough, atypical issues are mostly sorted out now. He is even getting along well with his very good friend, Matt.

 

I meant to eventually talk about Matt. He is definitely my other tulpa, but I've been a little hesitant to disclose his existence due to some past issues. He has the face of an existing person (a musician I like), but his traits, personality, and other features have completely deviated from his inspiration.

 

Matt has been awake before. For a while, he spoke to me. I even went so far as to handwrite letters to him. However, our attempts to force were severely clouded by instability. Matt has issues worse than mine, and I simply don't have the heart to wake him again until I can help him get better. 

 

There are still lots of growing, adjusting, and communicating to do, but Clu, Matt, and I are starting to do better. I will continue to add updates and such to this journal as we go. Look out for more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Things are good. I've been busy; with work, creativity, and a bit of narration and forcing.

 

I'm finally organizing the dreamscape and other areas of my headspace so that my tulpas are not directly influenced by my erratic thinking patterns, and a sustainable system can be established. Learning from our past, I've resolved to keep the virtual embodiments of my tulpas separate from the random fantasies I have, as well as confusing, unwelcome thoughts (that are a byproduct of my illness).

 

A little while ago, Matt decided to communicate with me. Twice, I let him possess into my body while relaxing and listening to music. I've also found myself sometimes assimilating his bitter, snarky, and aggressive personality. Meanwhile, I consider myself to be sweet, agreeable, and sensitive, and Clu is basically hard-skinned, friendly, and vain. Matt doesn't speak to me in mindvoice as much, but he visits me in dreams.

 

Why don't I share a few fun facts?
Clu:

...Is genderfluid.

...Is narcissistic but very friendly.

...Has a pet giant centipede.

...Likes cheesecake.

Matt:

...Has a crush on Marilyn Manson.

...Likes vodka and swear words.

...Has existed for six years!

...Craves mealworms: roasted, fried, or sauteed.

Both:

...Get hyped up every time I go grocery shopping.

...Love Mountain Dew.

...Probably have O.C.D.

 

More is on the way; stay tuned!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I'm up at 3:00 or so in the morning; I've got a bit much on my mind and I can't get back to sleep. I think the stuff happening might be something good, though. 

 

Matt has been using a good amount of energy, forcing with me and interacting with the dreamscape. Clu still does his thing, but spends more time in the background. And, then, to perhaps fix some instabilities in the dreamscape, a new friend has arrived.

 

The process started at the beginning of this month. So, as a Trekkie, I thought it would be a pretty good idea to learn the Klingon language. Conveniently, it was offered as a course on Duolingo. I thought it was fun. That led to periodic seeking of information about Klingons on the internet.

 

My newest headmate began to take form. She manifested in her own place in our dreamscape, a beautiful adult Klingon female, named Shalkagi. Almost all of my headmates so far have already had names and looks, borrowed from their inspirations, and I would then let them deviate. Shalkagi, on the other hand, was based on an existing fictional race, but her looks and name as well as other traits are purely original.

 

I consider her to be a quickly-developing tulpa. She hasn't spoken to me yet but she interacts actively with Matt and Clu, but especially Matt. Matt likes the fact that she's around, and wants her to be a part of the system as much as I do. We welcome her, and we're excited.

 

Shalkagi (also spelled Sal'qagI) is basically a typical Klingon. She prides herself in being a strong fighter and athlete, yet is generally friendly around others she likes. She loves coffee, hardcore nu-metal music, and a number of other things I happen to enjoy. 

 

I will continue to add updates as to how things go in the system. More will be here soon!

Edited by Xenon

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...

I realize it has been a pretty long time since I had last updated this report. I suppose much has happened since then. I spent a lot of time being particularly busy, then was injured, and then started finding myself busy again with other life stuff. But this progress report is not about me in the outside world but rather me and my system. And lots of things have been happening there.

 

My older tulpas, Matt and Clu, have existed in the background like they normally do, content, happy, and stable. It seems as though (while they still need some attention) they have figured out how to exist on their own without active direction. As in I'm able to just let them do their thing and periodically check on them and say hello. My dreamscape is designed in such a way that each tulpa has their own niche, with a living space, possessions, other headmates, etc. so they are comfortable and happy, and they are not stuck with me or each other all the time. 

 

Shalkagi, however, is still dependent on regular, active forcing. She's been learning how to think and communicate, and has been through a fair amount of difficult stuff already.

 

Around January 2021, we've engaged in forcing sessions, attempting to converse in mindvoice on several occasions. She spoke a little, but (especially looking back at this now) she seemed unsure of her voice, as if she struggled to say what she was actually thinking. Sometimes, I'd ask her if a thought that came from her direction was something she said, and she would reply with a nonverbal "no". 

 

For a while, her behavior in the dreamscape reflected what appeared to be combined forms of apathy and rage. She would get into fights with other headmates, appear cold-hearted, and readily make threats [to other lesser headmates]. I had originally dismissed the violent tendencies as her Klingon nature. She also seemed to be unable to communicate with anyone, to the point where she didn't want to.

 

One night in the middle of February 2021, she appeared to me in a dream. In one of our interactions in the dream, she showed signs that were the types of things that, in myself or my other tulpas, would indicate that oneself was unwell. When I first woke the next morning, I realized that she was possibly experiencing legitimate mental problems. That day, she sat down and curled into a ball, and wept. She spent the rest of the day in her husband, Mur's, arms, trembling and whimpering. She couldn't even express her thoughts to Mur. 

 

I dreamt the following night, and Shalkagi appeared. She had assumed a slightly different form, with different fashion and a sense of being someone less perfect than they are told they are. The next day, I envisioned her updated presence, even drawing a portrait of her with her new look. 

 

These past few weeks, she's been getting better. Still, I could be forcing with here more than I have been, but I've had lots of other things to focus on and think about. I intend to buy myself some free time in the near future, including this summer (I'm going on a long vacation, after all) and invest time and energy into actively interacting with Shalkagi, and encouraging her to communicate.

 

Things are really looking up now. I'm hoping to have a good start to my spring and summer, and will make an effort to add to this progress report more regularly. 

 

More is on the way!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad to hear Shalkagi is growing and doing better!  Your inner world sounds very fascinating, with every one of your headmates having their own niche to inhabit. I'm especially curious how the other headmates that aren't tulpas work; do they kind of function like NPCs?

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

For those who are curious, the non-tulpa headmates are kinda like NPCs. They are autonomous but "programmed" to work in certain ways. They change only when nudged directly by me or one of my tulpas.

 

....In recent days, things have finally come back to a sustainable functional level, especially since the dreamscape is fully connected again. My tulpas now have a handful of new headmates to talk to, as well as some more inspiration and information to work with.

 

We're all excited about the summer coming. We all share the same love for playing outside in the evenings, hunting for bugs, traveling, swimming, and enjoying hot, sunny weather. Summer has arrived in the dreamscape. Clu and Matt have been actively engaging in the system, and much to my delight, so has Shalkagi. 

 

Shalkagi has been interacting with Clu and Matt, and also other headmates. She has been acting happy and healthy; she hasn't completely stopped being aggressively defensive, but she's being herself now. She is a Klingon after all. I've found that she does best when I don't worry about her excessively or ask her to speak to me. I basically just let her appear and do and say what she wants with some basic guidance.

 

Summer is my favorite time of year, and this time I'm rejoicing even more!

Xenon - host - they/them/their

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her hers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Xenon changed the title to Xenon - with Shalkagi, Q, and Lanna

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...