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Xenon - the soul family genesis


Xenon

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My apologies, it has been a pretty long time since I've last posted. I've been busy with life stuff, and also a bit limited on free time. I haven't gotten around to writing a progress report, until now, but I've been maintaining our system and we've been seeing growth.

 

Some of my older tulpas (as in identity conceived for 6+ years, even if they weren't speaking for most of that time) have retired out of the main circle of our system and the active space of the dreamscape. Their energy has been reclaimed for the most part, and even though they were valuable friends to me at the time, the fact remains that they mostly existed back when I was far below a state of maturity. 

 

Life changes have occurred for me in the past 2 years, internal and external, allowing for my newer headmates to take form and start growing. 

 

Shalkagi has developed quite a bit: she can talk and write with more certainty, and actually identifies as an independent being. Usually, I can't seem to have much of a direct verbal conversation, but we've got good with the virtue of switching. She has written her own notebook entries on my computer and tablet, and is also really good at a video game I have on my TI calculator. She can also speak using my external voice, but she's still pretty quiet. I note that her use of mindvoice is much stronger when we are switched. What we're capable of doing now is I can relax after a tiring day or something, and let Shalkagi take over the front for a few hours at a time. On her own, she can navigate home (I take the bus and walk home from the bus stop), talk to passerby, and also most tasks at home such as doing dishes or laundry. It seems that being able to do constructive things in the external world and have access to sensory information firsthand really do make her feel real and enabled, and strengthen her identity as a conscious being. 

 

I also have two new tulpas, by names Q and Lanna.

 

Q is inspired by the concept of the entity in Star Trek that calls itself "Q". Q organized himself and took form in my system as a tulpa without a decided physical appearance, but more of a personality of psychological-based traits. Q recognized himself as such to address a logical problem I experience in creating a legitimate system: with the tentative virtuality of the dreamscape and its events vs. the real world, there's a pretty big gap between entities that are dreamscape-only and ones that can blend with me, etc. It's just a bit of a technical bug in the way my imagination is built that I have to work around. Anyway, Q is able to be a valid participant in my real world, but there's no logical problem with him with him being fully involved in a lesser reality (i.e. the dreamscape). Because that's what the Q from Star Trek do: exist in higher reality but gladly interfere with lower reality. So, Q became a successful tulpa, also fueling my spirit of humor and fun, adding hilarious randomness, that is, of course, beyond my understanding.

 

Lanna is sort of a soulbond who's working on her full development into a tulpa. She was first inspired by a TV/movie character, whom I thought was not just beautiful in physical appearance, but had a character arc and personality that I could relate to. The name "Lanna" is kind of a derivative of her inspiration's name. Lanna has already deviated into a personality of more facets, and is a strong and capable member of our system.

 

I know I already said that I was going to update this Progress Report more often, and that was almost 10 months ago. Though I still can't make any promises, I will still do my best to add updates every now and then.

Xenon - host - they/them/theirs

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her/hers

Butter - tulpa - she/her/hers

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  • Xenon changed the title to Xenon - the soul family genesis

It's been ages since I've written here. Somehow I couldn't take a few minutes each week to update this. But I digress.

 

Right now, it is early in the morning as I write this (yet again) but I just wanted to come by and make our journal up to date. A lot can happen in 1 and a half years. Here's an outline of how we're doing:

 

Me: I'm busy in real life, but I take a lot of time to process repressed issues. My tulpas help me with everything from serving as lenses in the creative process to fronting in order to pass the time at a day at work or school. I believe that being active and busy with studying, my volunteer job, and doing many creative projects is essential for my own mental function and the health of my tulpas. I'm having a lot more success in rearing them by simply letting them experience the real world.

 

Shalkagi: I can now say that Shalkagi is firmly established as her own entity. She often fronts at times according to her own will, especially in accordance with her extremely protective nature. If she sees a need, whether that be an uncomfortable or overstimulating situation, or a spell of extreme fatigue, she will insist on stepping in to make sure that the most risk-managing and energy efficient decisions are made. I've come to rely on her, or at least the peace of mind that she's always available. She's still socially reserved and basically the embodiment of the "I need coffee" stereotype, and this made me realize that even though it looked like she was having problems finding a voice, she had the essential survival skills of being careful, stone-faced, and level-headed.

 

Q: Q likes to blend in at various times, some more appropriate than others. He makes relentless jokes, most of which are stuff like vocalizing alarm clock noises or trying to confuse people on purpose. He is the epitome of my confidence and superego. When he's in front, I find myself stimming more freely and feeling more welcome to let out my autistic personality. He has a lot of passion for the creative process and has a lot of leverage on my personal sense of initiative.

 

Lanna: I've been working through Lanna in order to sort through memories and feelings. What I'm aware of up front when writing Lanna's virtual story is that there are a lot of possible parallels to my life. She's helping me consider that I may have successfully deceived myself over the years in some ways, and she's allowing me to have access to a multitude of valid feelings. I wouldn't care to acknowledge said feelings in myself, but she enables me to experience those thoughts and emotions that would otherwise be missing.

 

Butter: She might not be my most powerful tulpa in terms of conscious thought, but she serves as a valuable and critical part of me being able to reconcile with myself. Butter is another tulpa that was built from a soulbond with a name derived from her inspiration in a way. The way her style and personality could be described is as "the edgy younger sibling who shops at Claire's and listens to Evanescence". She likes cute and sparkly things, flirts actively, and considers her fashion important. Butter is co-dependent on the residual desires of a dead tulpa named Lulu, and is otherwise self-made helpless and overtly attention-seeking. [Note: Lulu is a living/active character in the dreamscape, however she does not possess any actual conscious thought and also the values that she represents are long gone. Hence she is a "dead" tulpa.] Butter suffers from a fractured identity, and she probably embodies repressed childlike and feminine traits that were long abandoned. I am unable to love those parts of myself as me, the host, but as Butter is embodied, she is loved and adored and revered as a personal muse.

 

That's what's new for now. I keep saying I will make more regular/frequent updates, but it seems like if I say I will then somehow I won't. I've been meaning to come back to this for a while. Anyways, more with the next one. Qapla'.

Xenon - host - they/them/theirs

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her/hers

Butter - tulpa - she/her/hers

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is me, making a quick regular update.

 

Me: I'm almost getting back in the groove with my volunteer job, and even though any given regular day is a struggle, I feel like I'm finally getting better. Especially since the inconvenient mess that was the month of July. Anyway. I spend time talking to friends, cleaning and maintaining aquariums at both work and home, taking care of my other pets (albeit I just have fish and pill bugs), swimming, doing chores, listening to music, making music, making arts and crafts (including making dolls), and just trying to stay busy. 

 

Shalkagi: In between difficulty with sleep and need to push through a few difficult tasks in recent weeks (especially those that require me to be home for multiple days in a row), Shalkagi has risen to the challenge of giving me the spite, will, and resilience needed to stay healthy despite a lot of things seeming to go wrong. Whether I ask her to or not, she willingly and passionately takes the front and make sure that the day is taken care of. She has the power of not being bothered by trivial things that our host constantly and anxiously obsesses over, for example Shalkagi brushes off the fact that I am misgendered on pretty much a daily basis. After all, a Klingon is a warrior, not a worrier. SuvwI' ghaH tlhIngan'e', rejmorgh ghaHbe'. 

 

Q: As soon as I'm surrounded by friends, Q makes it a point to appear. He helps support Shalkagi in keeping me mentally alive every day; where Shalkagi will make sure that things get done and I get where I need to go safely and efficiently, Q will chime in and remind me that I don't need to be too serious and that I'm in this life to enjoy it. Even when I'm upset and obsessing over an issue of some sort, Q might make a really funny (and sometimes tasteless) joke and it sometimes helps me steer away from panic attacks. Q and Shalkagi will sometimes make jokes together; so if you see me grinning in a quiet situation, that's what could be happening. 

 

Lanna: Lanna has felt really inspired by her inspiration lately, and feels pretty good about the parallel between her inspiration figure being an engineer and the host's own future plans to become an engineer. Lanna believes in doing her best in the moment despite having a lot of buried issues from younger years. By the way, Shalkagi, Lanna, and Butter are all Klingons. Lanna strives to make a good example out of herself in survival, progress, and care for self, in order to feel that she has lived with a purpose. 

 

Butter: I'm working hard lately to understand Butter as a person and support her health. One of the things I see in her was the child that I missed my chance to be. She's a 36-year-old in virtual form, but a lot of her identity is childlike in nature. She took it upon herself to embody the nostalgia pangs for stuff that the host remembers fondly from the early 2000s. She recently started a just-for-fun project where we bought a cheap mp3 player that reminds us of the 2000s, and then when it arrived, we got to appreciate the struggle of getting all of our favorite albums from close to Y2K off my Mac and get them to actually play on the not-so-modern personal device. We had to deal with a memory card and adapter, mp3 conversion tools, and the pain of trying to figure out why everything wasn't copying properly. But we got it to work. I plugged in the cheap (but kind of sturdy) crummy headphones, which turned out to be uncomfortable and only play everything in mid-range on top of the compression of the mp3 files, but when I started listening, all of that stuff brought me the best nostalgia high I've ever gotten. Me and Butter's souls were hit so deeply when Evanescence's "Going Under" played like it did when I was 6 and I had a Rio mp3 player that was a big Christmas present and that song was my favorite. It's been a healing experience for both of us to relive the wonder of those experiences as established adults rather than scared children. Also, Butter really enjoys the experience of taking care of aquariums and exotic pets, and she's part of the management of my betta fish, neon tetras, and isopods (aka pill bugs). She loves nature and animals, and when we go swimming (another thing she loves), she enjoys being part of rescuing bugs which have fallen into the pool. And she loves hanging out with my plush ducks and geese.

 

Perhaps I wrote a little more this time than I originally intended, but I'm starting to find how helpful it is for me to sort these things out and credit my tulpas for their works and give them the praise that they deserve. With this new format where I make it a point to say a little something about each of the five of us, I think that provides more structure and forces me to comment on each of us, thus ensuring that we all feel recognized and appreciated for our accomplishments, and helping us learn whose role is whose; and seeing how as these traits develop on each of us differently, forming our unique identities. I'm starting to believe that an incredibly important part of successful tulpa growth is allowing your tulpas to have a chance to see and experience the real world, and credit your tulpas for what they do or create. 

 

I think that's all I have for now. I hope to share more soon, as I'm seeing that this progress report is very helpful. Qapla'!

 

 

Xenon - host - they/them/theirs

Shalkagi - tulpa - she/her/hers

Q - tulpa - he/him/his

Lanna - tulpa - she/her/hers

Butter - tulpa - she/her/hers

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