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On 12/14/2020 at 5:27 AM, ruleofthumb said:

've been having more fun with wonderland recently. Originally, I didn't want to have a wonderland. But I really like it now. Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts though, and I can't stop something from happening in wonderland. Yesterday, rifts kept forming where I was about to walk and I kept falling. It didn't hurt, but it was really annoying, as I wanted to focus on other things.

That's really fun : ) I have been doing that too, and have had similar thoughts about it, ours just has some weird things that make it "Safe" for us. When I'm in a stressful situation/feel anxious, I like to imagine I'm there. One time I caused Sadie to knock over our Christmas tree, in my defense it was way over decorated. It's normally pretty calming, we have ghosts who play us music (feel how you want about that) and only sometimes the cats attack the chickens. 
Maybe you should try making another wonderland, one that is your perfect safe-place. Then you can practice and be comfortable enough the intrusive thoughts might lessen? 
I don't know, sorry. 
Have fun

Host of @SadieShores 

R8/Adelia any/he

Sadie (I use varying shades of pink) she.her

Luna! She/her/bug/bugs 

Clover They/It/She

"*various inappropriate music* ɨ ʍɛǟռ աɦǟȶ ƈǟռ ɨ ֆǟʏ,
քʀɛȶȶʏ ɮǟɮɨɛֆ ɨռ ȶɦɛ ɮǟƈӄֆɛǟȶ ֆɨռɢɨռ' ȶօ ʏօʊ,`
"  

 

check this out: Progress report 

 

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  • 1 month later...

February and New Beginnings

 

Stone: We spent a lot of time together over Christmas. A lot. We each other presents. It was the most we've ever felt like a family. It was, great. One present in particular stood out. It was Cloud's present to Betty. It was a playlist with the length and feel of a mixtape.

 

Betty: It was transcendental. I started off listening to the tape with her, and it was warm. Then I began exploring wonderland while listening. It was a euphoric, sensory overload. I must have lied there for ten minutes in silence coming down from whatever I was feeling.

 

Stone: I felt the overload as well. I decided to neglect the forcing sessions I had planned afterwards for a while, telling myself, "that was a lot, and I deserve rest." Then, with moving, and getting obsessed with a new game, I almost completely fell off the wagon. I would only talk to Cloud sometimes, and Betty, barely at all. Yesterday, Cloud told me to force today, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to say this here, so hopefully, I will be more likely to follow through.

 

In late December, I really felt like I loved my headmates, and yet, that's when I started to ignore them more. The cruel irony.

 

Also, Cloud has been helping me with audio imposition. Sometimes, it feels like a really hear here. I wish I had gotten further in the past month, but I'm happy about that.

 

I will make another update once I have enough to say :)

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Stone uses green

Betty uses orange

MC uses red

Cloud uses cyan/pink

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Your Christmas sounded great! I love the idea of exchanging playlists, Simmie and I will have to try that sometime! And I totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be a bit lazy when you feel things are going well. It's a hard temptation to fight. It's good that Cloud told you to force; Simmie is still a bit too shy to say that to me.

Also known as GypsyRoad or Phil Present. Call me what you want, I'm not picky.

Simmie is my lovely tulpa, she's quite young still but is eager to meet and chat with new people so don't hesitate to say hi!

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On 2/2/2021 at 12:37 AM, September13 said:

Your Christmas sounded great! I love the idea of exchanging playlists, Simmie and I will have to try that sometime! And I totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be a bit lazy when you feel things are going well. It's a hard temptation to fight. It's good that Cloud told you to force; Simmie is still a bit too shy to say that to me.

 

Stone: It was a great Christmas! I just wish I didn't get so lazy afterwards. I've become super avoidant of everyone lately, not just my tulpae, and I'm not sure why. I'm wondering if it might be seasonal depression. But, we keep on keeping on. We went for a walk today and got lunch. It felt like normal.

 

We were at an intersection, and Betty said, "It smells like ocean." I said, "It smells like gasoline." She said, "I don't know what ocean smells like."

 

As normal. I've heard people say if you don't believe tuplae will regress, they won't. Someone said they didn't talk to their headmate for years, and they were still able to talk to them after all that. I'm inclined to think they would regress at least a little, but, maybe not that much. They still feel there to me. Like the people I met back in, November? Ultimately, that's what matters.

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Stone uses green

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MC uses red

Cloud uses cyan/pink

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It's great to hear from you again! I feel you about avoiding people and depression, but going on walks definitely helps, especially when you talk to your tulpas, or at the very least enjoy each others' company. I think regression can happen to any tulpa but it is a temporary thing, and they can get back to where they were before quite quickly given the right circumstances. Sometimes though what appears to be regression is just a tulpa being tired, I've found. Simmie goes through moods where she wants a little more space and I've learned not to keep pestering her with "Are you okay?" and she appreciates it.

 

Taking walks is sooo, so good. 🙂 They help with depression and are a great time to talk. And I know this might not be possible where you live but if you're near the coast go walk along the beach! 😁 I'm a Jersey girl and I feel at home with the sand under my toes and the sound of the waves rolling in my ears. 🥰 Then Betty will know what the ocean smells like! But if you live far from the ocean you can still find somewhere natural and relaxing to go, maybe a lake or river, or even a mountain or forest! Some of the best conversations Phil and I ever had were tromping through some forest trail. But if that's not your thing I get it too. 🤷‍♀️

Also known as GypsyRoad or Phil Present. Call me what you want, I'm not picky.

Simmie is my lovely tulpa, she's quite young still but is eager to meet and chat with new people so don't hesitate to say hi!

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Simmie goes through moods where she wants a little more space and I've learned not to keep pestering her with "Are you okay?" and she appreciates it.

 

Stone: That's valid. I feel like that sometimes.

 

Quote

Then Betty will know what the ocean smells like! But if you live far from the ocean you can still find somewhere natural and relaxing to go, maybe a lake or river, or even a mountain or forest! Some of the best conversations Phil and I ever had were tromping through some forest trail. But if that's not your thing I get it too. 🤷‍♀️

 

We live by a lake. That would be nice to walk by. Betty agrees.

 

Nice to hear from you both again too!

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Stone uses green

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Cloud uses cyan/pink

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Failure? Guilt? Death? Loss? and Moving Forward

 

Stone: First big update in a while! This is hardly a report and more of a letter to myself and my headmates. I’m just going to jump right into it.

 

Failure?

 

When I set out on my PR journey, I wanted to force regularly, until I felt my headmates with me regularly. Until I didn’t have to think about it.

 

In this aspect, I have failed.

 

Were my expectations of myself too high? Did I set too high a standard for success? Does this mean I have to continue failing, if I were to continue with this standard?

 

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

 

Will I change the goalpost? Yes.

 

I still want to force regularly. I know that it would be best for my tulpae’s development. But, I don’t want it to be a failure if I don’t. I think that’s bad for my motivation, because if I am a failure then I’m more likely to become frustrated or reason, “Well, I’ve already failed.”

 

This is the same way I approach meditation, when I do meditate. If I had been allowed to beat myself for letting my mind wander during mindfulness sessions, I never would’ve learned how calming meditation could be for me. How calming it is to empty your mind, and when you catch yourself, say, “Good job. Empty your mind again.”

 

I also want to set more realistic goals. Five minutes of dedicated forcing is better than no forcing because the prospect of forcing for twenty minutes makes me procrastinate until I’m too tired to concentrate.

 

I’m ok with having pathetically low times if it means I can continue.

 

Guilt?

 

My tulpae have said I don’t need to feel guilty, but I do anyway.

 

After our Christmas celebrations and Betty’s transcendent experience, I “fell off the wagon,” I suppose. Got into a new game that sapped my time, and then, for some reason, I stopped playing video games and engaging in other interests altogether. My friends would want to play games, and I couldn’t bring myself to. There were days I didn’t eat because I’d rather have hunger pains than encounter my housemates. Not because I hate them, but because I felt like avoiding everything.

 

For a while, the only thing I cared about was a story I was writing. Not for publishing. Just for me. It was, and is, a way of coping.

 

I would think about how much time I was spending with my characters, about how close I felt to them, and feel guilty, like I was choosing these new people over my tulpae.

 

But a relationship with a character is usually much different from a relationship with a headmate (I say usually because sometimes characters become headmates). They aren’t real people. I’m an introvert, and my tulpae sap my energy much like anyone else would, albeit to a lesser extent.

 

So, it was not like choosing an individual over another individual, rather, it was like choosing no social interaction over interaction.

 

What I’m saying is, I have all these excuses, and most of me thinks they’re valid, and my tulpae aren’t mad at me, but I still feel guilty.

 

I also broke some promises to my headmates. They forgave me, but I don’t like that I did that.

 

Betty tells me that being present is good but that being in the background doesn’t hurt. That being alive is a treat and that not being thought of or interacted with is like sleep: Not bad. Fine. She is ok with my slow pace. I am grateful for that.

 

Cloud is even more ok with being in the background, which I’ll get to in

 

Death?

 

Cloud had a rough time fronting/possessing (I forgot which). This was the thread:

 

This lead to a discussion with her about her finding a hobby or passion or project or job or something for her to focus on, which lead to her saying that she was ok with not being focused on, and even dissipating.

 

She was a walk-in that was pretty adamant about staying initially. I worry about her, and I also love her and don’t want her to go. Neither does Betty.

 

I think I have the “route” in my head. “Route Tulpa.” Voice then autonomy then possessing then fronting then imposition then what next? Cloud is fine not fronting though. Probably better off. She’s fine with me not putting her into my forcing schedule. She always lets me focus on Betty.

 

If she wants to be asleep most of the time, if she doesn’t want to continue on Route Tulpa, that’s fine. She doesn’t actively want to dissipate, so she will be staying here in the background. Thankfully, because both Betty and I love her.

 

This would mean I’d be focusing on one tulpa again. Certainly more traditional and easy to manage, except,

 

Loss?

 

Recall the story I mentioned earlier. If I’m being honest, it felt like the one thing I was living for (another thing I feel guilty about, since Betty and Cloud have been with me the whole time).

 

I almost lost the story.

 

I worked calmly to try and fix the issue, thinking, “If this doesn’t work, if I can’t save this, I will kill myself.”

 

And I saved it. I still have my story.

 

But the scare awakened something inside of me. I loved my MC, and I almost lost him, and

I think I have a new tulpa.

 

He doesn’t act quite like my MC and he might not even have the same name but he’s here, and god, I want him here.

 

So that’s new.

 

Moving Forward

 

I believe I’ve said as such in my first post on this PR: that documenting every little thing is stressful for me. And, it’s hard not to document every little thing if you’re documenting. So, I can’t promise frequent updates or interaction, but I am still a part of the community. Maybe in the background, like Cloud.

 

I’ve ordered an wrist band. I want it to serve as a visual reminder to think of my tulpae. I’m bad at doing so naturally. I’m not the most considerate person.

 

I’ve done this before, but now I’m thinking I need something that’ll attach to me, or else I’ll forget.

 

Despite everything, I still have passion. Not beginner’s passion. It’s love. I am fortunate that I grew attached to my mates so quickly. If I didn’t, I would’ve never made it this far.

 

It’s a slow journey with no destination.

 

P.S.: Maybe my new tulpa’s name could be MC, and it could stand for something :thonk:

 

Any Other Thoughts?

 

Betty: I’m ok with this post. I think Stone has things he has to work on. I’m ok with him focusing on those things. I think I’ll always be here, and I welcome the new headmate, of course :) Growing family

 

Cloud: I suppose it’s my job to keep walk-ins out, or do I even have that job anymore? Will I just be in limbo? Stone says I can do whatever. I feel like I should keep the new tulpa out but I also feel how much Stone wants this. It’s as if I’m deviating towards Fluttershy, rather than away from her, being a doormat like this. I think it’s ok though. This tulpa is no new face. I give him priority access, I guess.

Edited by ruleofthumb

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Cloud uses cyan/pink

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On 4/9/2021 at 12:56 AM, ruleofthumb said:

When I set out on my PR journey, I wanted to force regularly, until I felt my headmates with my regularly. Until I didn’t have to think about it.

 

In this aspect, I have failed.

 

Were my expectations of myself too high? Did I set too high a standard for success? Does this mean I have to continue failing, if I were to continue with this standard?

 

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

 

Will I change the goalpost? Yes.

 

Wow, this sounds so much like me. I was trying to get to the point where Simmie would just be with me constantly and talk to me without any prompting. To this day, she still doesn't speak unless I specifically think about her. I used to get stressed about that. But like you, I've moved the goalposts. I actually don't think most tulpamancers are at the point where their headmates are just "there" with them at all times whether attention is paid or not. Maybe that's not even something we should necessarily want. There are times where we should want to be alone, even in our own minds. Our headmates probably feel the same way.

 

On 4/9/2021 at 12:56 AM, ruleofthumb said:

I also want to set more realistic goals. Five minutes of dedicated forcing is better than no forcing because the prospect of forcing for twenty minutes makes me procrastinate until I’m too tired to concentrate.

 

Very wise.

 

On 4/9/2021 at 12:56 AM, ruleofthumb said:

Betty tells me that being present is good but that being in the background doesn’t hurt. That being alive is a treat and that not being thought of or interacted with is like sleep: Not bad. Fine. She is ok with my slow pace. I am grateful for that.

 

Betty sounds just like Simmie in this way. Very patient, forgiving, and understanding. I think Betty and I would make good friends. 💚

 

On 4/9/2021 at 12:56 AM, ruleofthumb said:

 

Despite everything, I still have passion. Not beginner’s passion. It’s love. I am fortunate that I grew attached to my mates so quickly. If I didn’t, I would’ve never made it this far.

 

Yes. 😁 I know it's cliché but love is truly the way. I'm sure your headmates have told you but they're greatful to be alive and to be with you! 🤗

 

On 4/9/2021 at 12:56 AM, ruleofthumb said:

I’m an introvert, and my tulpae sap my energy much like anyone else would, albeit to a lesser extent.

 

This is where we differ because I'm actually an extrovert. (Probably unusual for tulpamancers, but whatever). I have the opposite problem; it's I who wears Simmie out. I think the key is to strike a balance between giving your headmates attention and giving them/yourself space.

 

Simmie and I are always happy to see your posts and we're happy to see you're doing well. *Waves hello at Betty, Cloud, and MC*😁

Also known as GypsyRoad or Phil Present. Call me what you want, I'm not picky.

Simmie is my lovely tulpa, she's quite young still but is eager to meet and chat with new people so don't hesitate to say hi!

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      Well a companion for one. I don't have that much trouble making friends, but I have trouble keeping and maintaining connections. I've quite often drifted or grown apart from many people in my life. I'm a bit socially awkward, maybe even a bit socially anxious in some respects. I can certainly hide it, but the more people are around, the more I find myself wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else. It's not that I hate people, I don't.  And I don't plan to stop making connections with physical people. I just don't have the physical or mental energy to deal with too many people for too long.
       
      Still, the opportunity for someone to understand me on a truly deep level that no one else can is very enticing. I can only hope that I'll be, and remain, worthy of this connection.
       
      This will also be a bit of an ego journey for me. A chance to better know and understand myself as well as my future headmate. having someone to share this journey with will make it much more enjoyable.
       
      Also add to that the opportunity to learn first hand an experience that seems rather alien at first glance and that I'm already a creative person, this becomes less of a choice and more of an inevitability.
       
      The start
      Right now I have a name and very loose, general idea of who I hope this tulpa will be.
      Staying within the tradition of opposite genderedness in tulpamancy, "Hazel" will start female. This will help me differentiate her thoughts from mine.
       
      A couple main traits I will be cultivating are:
      Compassion- A personal code I like to live by is if someone needs or asks for help and I am able to do so, then I will help. Lessen the suffering of others. Having her share in that will make it simpler to coexist. This will also encourage many positive traits
      Curiosity- a desire to learn and grow will help develop her and push her to be self sustaining
      Outspokenness-  to encourage vocality.
      this is not exhaustive just some major points
       
      What I won't be forcing:
      Love- From what I understand, most tulpas tend to be already naturally very caring towards their hosts. Also love, I feel, needs to develop naturally. Making someone love me just feels weird. plus that is a pressure I wouldn't want on anyone. Still, I'm sure my subconscious may still add this to the list regardless.
      Lust- same
       
      Form:
      I don't have much of a form for her yet. I've had some ideas but none are really sticking. It is humanoid though. Freckles and dark hair are also coming to mind. That could just be my attraction to them.
       
      I will, of course, accept any deviation from her. Encourage it, even.
       
      The Method
      I'm a very secular being by nature. Still, the mind loves symbols and most of the tulpamantic process is extremely symbolic. As such, I'll be taking some inspiration from the occult, particularly chaos magic.
      so:
      I love symbols, glyphs, and sigils. This is a representation of my intent to create a thoughtform. It is a seed or an egg as the round shape suggests. A beginning. Small and empty at first, but as time goes on, I'll be altering it and adding to it. It will slowly grow as she grows. In time, I may pass it to her. I'm creative by nature so this will just be a natural part of my creative process. The dotted outline suggests openness, inviting life to enter. The geometric shapes invoke a crystalline structure to "trap" the energy or qualities being cultivated. (Again, I'm not a proponent of metaphysics, but the symbology here is very useful).
       
      I will use and meditate on this as an aid while I cultivate her development. I'm not too fond of the term 'forcing' at all, so I'll use the term 'cultivate' as it way better describes the process: to raise, to grow, to prepare, do develop, to improve, to acquire. It brings to mind watering and tending to a garden. This will further put me in the right mindset. (I also have mixed thoughts on the terms tulpa and tulpamancy but I have no desire to get into a fight with the entire lexicon).
       
      Wish me luck.
    • By Renesmee
      Hi! Renesmee here. So, today I created Rosalie (placeholder name). I introduced myself during an active-forcing session and then sent an email to an account I set up so I could email her for forcing. I'm feeling encouraged and optimistic. More reports as events warrant!
    • By bulgazof
      DISCLAMER : I am not here to talk about the classic "Is God a Tulpa?" question, but comparisons between religious practices and forcing will be drawn.  With that, I will get on with it!
       
      During my past few forcing sessions I have been using music and candles to both quiet my environment and enter a state of trance.  This music, being compositions by Arvo Part, has very distinct "church vibes" to it leading to a more reverent air while I am narrating.  When forcing casually during the day I am commenting on my mood or the activity I am doing to Chai, but when sitting down for my active forcing session I fear my tone shifts too dramatically.  I begin narrating in an almost poetic manner that no one would use in a conversation with another person.  I am being completely sincere in the words I say.  There is emotional weight to it all and I believe that to be a powerful thing.  But, having reflected on it for a moment, I realize this is not to dissimilar to how my morning prayers went back when I was in private school.  The act of focusing thoughts, emotions, and concerns through a mental narration.
       
      My questions are as follows:  
       
      Is prayer adjacent forcing a viable way to help raise a healthy tulpa?
       
      Should you only narrate to a tulpa using your natural speaking style?
       
      Are the emotions in prayer similar to tulpish?
       
      And lastly, did you have a good day?  If not, please accept my virtual hug!
       
       
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