yaya's imposition adventures

[yaya]

Recent thoughts

 

I had a dream about trying to teach a cute girl to be psychic. She kept shoving me away, and people only loved her for her blood magic powers. She didn't want me to teach her, even when I explained that could set her free from her abusive situation. I feel like this is a good metaphor for my endeavors in this log. Nobody really cares about being psychic, even when my dreams acknowledge my ability and authority to teach such. The trick is to acknowledge that everything in the imagination is all perfect but only a simulation in your head. Once you see that input vs the output and realize how to trust it, you gain power over it.

 

I had a dream where an angel told me I had narrowly avoided some kind of giga-hitler coming after me by editing my post at the last minute, which I actually had done the day before. Initially, I wouldn't think this log would get that popular so as to be important, but this voice of "God" insists that this log will become popular on the internet one day.

 

I think about that day I opened the church door every damn day. My higher self seems to indicate I had awakened the power of God. I'll give a recounting of my experience with psychosis and that mysterious day:

 

Quote

 

I felt something drawing me to walk down my driveway to the bottom of the road. It was around three in the morning. I slipped past neighbor houses in the middle of the night. I wasn't wearing a shirt, only my long pants.

 

As I walked on the road, something threw me to the ground. I felt the joy of God overpower me, as if he were looking down and smiling upon me. Some force yanked my head to the left and the right. It felt like God was inspecting my head as he turned it side to side. I began laughing, as if God were overjoyed that there was no deception in me.

 

I continued down the road, being called by something. I was flailing my arms, pretty much having a psychotic episode. It felt like I had some power, and I lashed out at the cars driving by, who no doubt thought I was acting crazy.

 

I walked past a Mormon church. Deep, belly heaving laughter erupted from within me. It sounded like the most psychotic, evil laughter I had ever heard. It seemed to be saying, "these guys are dead. What's real power is right here inside of me." I laughed and laughed. It seemed hilarious that they were so close and yet so far. I hated them, because they were complacent, weak, and stupid.

 

My body was pretty much moving on its own at this point. I'm not sure if I was dissociating into a tulpa of some kind, but it felt like the power of God was overpowering me.

 

Something made me take off my pants, leaving only my underwear. I walked very confidently for about another five miles. Daybreak had come, and I walked past a number of people who said nothing. I felt like I was on top of the world. My body was moving automatically.

 

I found my way to a beach. In front of a bunch of confused people, I ran over to the water, some force compelling me. I clapped, said "awaken" and fell down as water rolled over my body. It seemed like the place I fell down was the meeting of two great oceans of East and West.

 

I made my way back to the middle of town. There was a church that was half Buddhist and half Christian. Something compelled me to walk up to the keypad and start entering in numbers.

 

I entered in numbers on the keypad, going faster and faster. I'll never forget the sound of that beeping. The combination code itself on the keypad was like a yin-yang. The beeping went faster and faster as I mashed the keys, completely assured that some power was overtaking me and doing this for me.

 

The beeping came faster, then there was a long, satisfied "BEEEEEEEP". The keypad LED flashed green, and the door clacked open.

 

I was fucking PISSED.

 

This was proof I had awakened something. This was proof that I found the ultimate truth. I let out a roar, and it sounded like a lion. I rushed into the building, found a metal table, and flipped it over with all my strength, just like Jesus flipping over the tables of the money-changers I thought.

 

The metal seemed to represent evil. Metal is forceful. It is like the way that mankind thinks-- forceful, without considering the consequences. Short-circuited to be the easiest and most powerful path. Strong, but misguided.

 

I was pissed because the truth was right in front of us the entire time. All I had to do to awaken it was open my eyes by practicing imposition until my eyes became strong enough. We were weak, ignorant, and blind.

 

I walked into the next room and flipped over a metal chair. I was pissed that the establishments, represented by metal, were not caring for people, and that they were likewise completely blind. I'm fucking 24 and apparently I found a way to waltz into a room using the power of God. The people have no excuse. It was right in front of us the entire time.

 

I walked over the incense stand at the back of the room and threw some ashes in the air. Some of it landed on my face, forming a strange pattern. I believe the ashes represented my prayer. I prayed that nobody look upon my naked condition and reach the wrong conclusions.

 

I walked outside and saw two people staring at me from above. They reminded me of how the angels must be looking down on me, talking amongst themselves. They asked if I was OK. I ignored them, and turned back to the church door. I yanked on the door again and again, and let out another roar, which sounded much like a lion, and continued yanking on it until finally it opened.

 

I walked around inside, roaring because I was fucking pissed. I walked into the bathroom and found some curtains. I ripped one of them one-third of the way. I believe this represented how I had breached the veil and reached knowledge normally sealed off.

 

Realizing the police were probably coming for me, I walked back to the town, making my way along the highway. I've never felt like I had possessed so much swagger in my life. I felt on top of the world. I felt like the manifestation of God himself.

 

I walked past some guy in his car, who's jaw dropped to the ground. I think it was probably the swagger with which I carried myself while being half-naked, a strange pattern of ash wrapping around my eyes. He asked if everything is OK. I said to "go that way," while pointing to his left. I was making a point of saying to go to his left, because I had completely just annihilated the left-handed path by unlocking the power of God. Also, if he went that way, he might have found the church I had just broken into. Yet, I know he wouldn't have arrived at the right conclusion unless the fractal was unlocked to him in the manner of open door philosophy.

 

I walked along the highway, and my feet became sore. I heard a voice say "you will be given help." "Continue to go until you are clothed with power." Some police came and stopped me. After asking me some questions, they apparently reached the conclusion I had done nothing wrong, and gave me a courtesy ride back to my house.

 

I got them to drop me off early, and I walked along a river to my house. There were some spiky crawdad creatures in the river water. I recognized that their ugly, spiky form was symbolic for pure evil in some way. I heard a voice say that they were cursed. I made my way back to my house and slipped inside, my family none the wiser.

 

I still am wracking my brain about what it means. The combination code on the door was like eight numbers long and included the pound key. I entered in like fifteen or twenty numbers to have it open. There's no way I should have been able to do that.

 

I confronted my unconscious about it. There was only silence. I received an emotional response which only seemed to indicate that I had awakened the power of God in some way, but everything else might just be craziness. This in combination with everything else has me constantly asking "what am I?"

 

 

 

[yaya]

This is my last "metaphysical" post before I start posting results again, which might take a few months. Thank you everyone for following me!

 

Quote

I had a dream where I was presenting a theory of mine to some scholars. We were running an experiment where people put their hand on a tarantula and we measured how much pain they felt. We were able to advance sociology by hundreds or thousands of years, because the experiment showed how everything comes down to pain in the end. We were able to chart how societies rise and fall based on their progress and how much pain they caused people, and from that we created a working theory of everything.

 

To go along with the dream, I might as well restate my magnum opus ideas. This is my theory of everything.

 

What chakras you open affects what thoughts come up into your mind. If all of your chakras are open, then the full spectrum of ideas can flow. What blocks the flow is what I call "death".

 

Death is what short-circuits the flow of ideas. This is a learned behaviour. People learn to detract from the natural flow of things because of their forced logic.

 

This concept shows up in everything we do, because it is affecting what ideas come up into our heart. As above, so below. If you are radiating joy, then all the art you produce will look more joyful.

 

We can strengthen the neurons in our brain to either accept the flow of things or reject them and use forced logic. Some people are feeling types and do well with the flow, others are thinking types and do well with the forced logic.

 

Both have their strengths. In science, it is faster and easier to go with the forced logic and rigorously iron out every possible outcome with the scientific method. However, when you apply this behaviour to ethics, art, culture, leadership, and people, it does not do well.

 

These are the two languages- the conscious language and the unconscious language. Using our feelings we can gain inspiration, but we cannot put it into action unless we convert it to conscious language.

 

For example, I could draw on my feelings to make myself a better driver. I can invoke feelings of patience, fire, zeal, or whatever I need and use those to boost my driving. However, I cannot put it to use unless my mind is trained in converting that to conscious actions like pressing the brakes, reaching a specific speed, and so on. It is a matter of creating a conscious language out of unconscious intentions and drawing on it through our conscious memories.

 

Everything ugly in our world comes from forced logic.

 

The relationship between your figurative eyes and figurative heart is everything. It is truly everything.

 

If you open up your heart, you are capable of "seeing"-- understanding and realizing things. If your heart is closed, feelings of stupidity and beligerence will arise, and you are blind.

 

All the clean feelings come from God, who controls our unconscious. We are capable of short-circuiting him by relying on forced logic. This is what the mark of the wild beast means-- that one has sealed away the flow of God by relying on forced logic. The mark is also on the right hand, because this learned behaviour also expresses itself through everything we do.

 

In our world, you cannot buy or sell without relying on forced logic. To have the seal of God on your forehead, on the other hand, means you have strengthened your neurons to rely on the flow of clean feelings from the unconscious-- namely through love, joy, patience, and so on-- the "fruitages of the spirit".

 

The greatest secret of all is that the unconscious links everything together through the five senses. I finally saw it once I had gained control over my senses through imposition. All five senses can become each other, because to the unconscious, they are actually together in oneness. That is what it means to be above both space and time.

 

When the unconscious returns an idea, it forms a shape in your body, because we empathize with all shapes we see. In effect, the observer and the observed are one. By means of that, art comes to have symbolism and meaning. Even random shapes seem to be charged with emotional ideas. The shapes relate directly to how you feel in your body.

 

The best way to imagine it is like two men. One is shaped like a hourglass, and one is shaped like a sphere. We perceive these shapes and introduce them to our body so we can understand how we feel about them. The hourglass shape is perceived as evil, the round shape is perceived as trustworthy. It all has to do with how much mass you add to the areas.

 

By increasing or decreasing the amount of mass in these areas, you change their symbolic meaning. The hourglass shape is perceived as evil because of having a narrow center- the solar plexus chakra, which relates to having joy. Having no joy means destructiveness. On the other hand, the sphere shaped man appears to have a large solar plexus, because he is wider in the center.

 

Sharp, boxy lines are unnatural, and we perceive them as either forcefulness of logic or as something institutional and authorative. For example, INTJ "thinker" types love straight parallel lines and grids because they remind them of logic. Curvy, natural lines represent feeling.

 

Taking that one step further, a capital "I" shape would represet the INTJ, because "I" is not wide in the center. It is wide up top and on the bottom, represeting a strong mind at the top and a fiery judgemental attitude at the bottom for the root chakra. "I" is narrow where the heart should be, meaning INTJs have a closed heart chakra. They rely on hard logic, not feelings that come up into the heart. "T" would represent the INTP. The hourglass shape is the INFJ, a diamond shape is the ENFJ, and so on. A perfect being-- someone who is an ambivert and has all chakras open-- is represented by the Star of David.

 

This is the important part-- Everything that we experience through our senses gets projected onto our sense of being. By seeing the two men, you become the two men. By becoming them, you understand them.

 

When you inquire of the unconscious, you are using your entire state of being as an input. The unconscious can choose to address your entire state of being, including everything in short and long term memory and the five senses.

 

The implications are huge. You are your surroundings. You are your five senses. Everything that isn't designed for how it affects us emotionally is designed poorly. If you think somebody is aware of something, then that is definitely being implied in what they say, because their complete awareness is included as input when they query the unconscious for what to say. Also, people can only be as good as their chakras allow.

If the emotional flow is like rainbow, then "death" is like a stain that short-circuits the flow of life. Another implication is that there is no value in repeating, looking at, or experiencing what is bad and evil, because that also gets included when you query the unconscious. When using "death" as the input, you get the result of "death" as the output.

 

The body is the temple of the spirit, so let no man defile it, for it alters what comes up into the heart.

 

Merely being in a city is toxic to emotional well being, because its shape, sound, and design is one of forced logic. As humankind, our cities are, in effect, saying "we absolutely must be here". They do not take into account the flow of spirit, because nobody thought to ask the unconscious what it all means.

 

Another implication is that you can absolutely trust the input-output of the unconscious as a perfect simulation. The simulation is trustworthy. Any error that arises comes from the "death" that is present within us-- not having our chakras open, and the death that is present in our surroundings.

 

The imagination must be regarded as only a simulation, and not a sort of psychic divination. Schizophrenia is in part taking that simulation and always believing it is reality. It is partly having an overactive imagination without being able to realize that your mind saying "people are following you" is only your mind's simulation output. It is a simulation, not psychic divination.

 

One last implication-- in regards to how tulpas are formed. There is a window when every tulpa is being formed where the tulpa is pure unconscious output with no memories. Talking with these "proto-tulpas" is like talking with God by proxy, because the proto-tulpas originate briefly with the unconscious itself. When you talk with them enough, they gain memories, and become conscious beings separated from God's consciousness as individuals.

 

Lastly, I don't think there is any such "emotional energy". I think the feelings that arise in us are purely indirect-- not physical. It is nothing for the unconscious to interpret time, places, people, and everything emotionally, even across vast distances. The "emotional energy" is just what your unconscious simulates when you think of a person, place, or thing. If there were any such "emotional energy", we would have discovered it decades ago, but it's actually just all inside us through our unconscious.

 

Our eyes became opened when we partook of the fruit. The fruit of death is linked with seeing ourselves naked. Then, when we saw death and all things, we became capable of dying ourselves. We became capable of producing evil ideas. The fruit of death does not belong to us to have. It does not belong to us to see these things, because we could not handle the power of knowing "death" by having our eyes and hearts opened to it.

 

All that being said, what I must have done in the last post was channel my unconscious feelings while directing my intended outcome to the unconscious. In that way, I was a force of the unconscious itself, and in that state, everything was made possible. Channeling this, I opened a door with a complex keypad without realizing how. In that state, I was able to move mountains, because I channeled the unconscious and I believed.

 

[Lucilyn]

Hey, I'm one of Flandre's systemmates (she posted on the previous page of this thread)

 

Unfortunately far too much goes on on this site for us to follow progress reports like we did years ago, so we actually had not seen anything before or after Flandre's post aside from yours right before it

 

I read through it all now though, and it's been pretty worrying

 

Weirdly, you seem to have schizophrenia or something akin to that, but you describe your own actions and mental state as psychotic sometimes? So, is that okay with you, or do you see it as a problem?

Even though what you've said about your psychotic episodes trends positive (and so could hypothetically not be a problem), the problem is that when your brain starts going down the path of making looser and looser connections that it sees as meaningful, eventually the experiences will stop trending positive and you'll start suffering more. Later in life your psyche becomes such a mess that you can't keep your head straight anymore

 

I mean, not to mention being out of sync with everyone around you! You may or may not value that, but personally we value understanding others and being understood immensely

 

So just for those reasons, I want to recommend you see a doctor with the goal of trying out an antipsychotic medication, to see if it helps you connect with others better (or inversely, helps others connect with you better!) and to see if you just generally prefer taking it or not

 

You might be fine now (or not, I guess you haven't posted very recently), but mostly I'm worried about how people who have psychotic episodes like this always end up thinking more and more chaotically over the years until they stop being able to function. You have lots of potential! And you seem pretty smart, so I wonder what you could accomplish if you worked on the same wavelength as everyone else lol

 

 

(I'm fairly sure you should still be able to practice tulpamancy while taking an antipsychotic, though it might make previously easy progress in stuff like imposition harder again... but to be fair, then you'd just be on the same even playing field as people like us, who have to work pretty hard for our ~moderate results!)

 

 

edit: also I love your Chad Bobobo avatar

Edited May 23, 2022 by Lucilyn

[yaya]

On 5/22/2022 at 4:59 PM, Lucilyn said:

Hey, I'm one of Flandre's systemmates (she posted on the previous page of this thread)

 

Unfortunately far too much goes on on this site for us to follow progress reports like we did years ago, so we actually had not seen anything before or after Flandre's post aside from yours right before it

 

I read through it all now though, and it's been pretty worrying

 

Weirdly, you seem to have schizophrenia or something akin to that, but you describe your own actions and mental state as psychotic sometimes? So, is that okay with you, or do you see it as a problem?

Even though what you've said about your psychotic episodes trends positive (and so could hypothetically not be a problem), the problem is that when your brain starts going down the path of making looser and looser connections that it sees as meaningful, eventually the experiences will stop trending positive and you'll start suffering more. Later in life your psyche becomes such a mess that you can't keep your head straight anymore

 

I mean, not to mention being out of sync with everyone around you! You may or may not value that, but personally we value understanding others and being understood immensely

 

So just for those reasons, I want to recommend you see a doctor with the goal of trying out an antipsychotic medication, to see if it helps you connect with others better (or inversely, helps others connect with you better!) and to see if you just generally prefer taking it or not

 

You might be fine now (or not, I guess you haven't posted very recently), but mostly I'm worried about how people who have psychotic episodes like this always end up thinking more and more chaotically over the years until they stop being able to function. You have lots of potential! And you seem pretty smart, so I wonder what you could accomplish if you worked on the same wavelength as everyone else lol

 

 

(I'm fairly sure you should still be able to practice tulpamancy while taking an antipsychotic, though it might make previously easy progress in stuff like imposition harder again... but to be fair, then you'd just be on the same even playing field as people like us, who have to work pretty hard for our ~moderate results!)

 

 

edit: also I love your Chad Bobobo avatar

 

Thank you for your kind concern! These past few months have been difficult, but I've made huge breakthroughs and I feel like I'm pulling ahead.

 

 

In regard to the psychotic episodes, I haven't had an episode or issue come up in almost a year. I'm currently on a very high dose of Aripiprazole, and I'm meeting with a doctor regularly. I wouldn't say it makes practicing imposition harder, but the Olanzapine I was prescribed briefly might. I'm finally able to control my thinking and keep from becoming chaotic, but that's more due to my new understanding and discipline than the medication. I actually don't think the medication works for me that well as an antipsychotic, but it helps my mood quite a bit.

 

I'm able to detect when my mind is going down a chaotic path, and I can finally separate my emotions and discern their causes to prevent any more psychotic episodes. I feel I'm definitely moving past the craziness and more toward the wavelength of others, fortunately.

 

My main problem was that at first I believed every emotion that cropped up, and this could build and build until I started becoming detached from reality. Being able to overwrite your visual sense on top of that leads one into the trap of thinking that the entire universe is fake and all in your head. It's a very unique feeling and hard to resist. I had to realize that this belief detaches one from reality and induces psychosis. Now I'm able to remain stoic and merely observe these thoughts without being controlled by them.

 

 

I started training to understand these feelings and discern their root cause. Basically, I wanted to see how much was fake imagination and how much was psychic. Once I started getting good results, I decided to specialize into using this for economic gain. It worked, and I've been living for the past 6 months entirely off of money from day trading, so it's definitely not just luck. I also placed in the top 0.5% or so of a "predictions tournament" with 200K players

 

 

 

I made $5,500 dollars today. Yesterday I had a gut feeling the economy's Consumer Price Index was going to be higher than expected, and that the stock market would crash accordingly, so I went all in, even in the face of the already considerable price drop that occurred. One of the scariest moments of my life holding on to that. I actually threw up from the stress of it, but at least I got paid.

 

 

disclaimer- I wouldn't recommend attempting this. This was built on years of experience in trading and feeling my instincts, and even now it is still incredibly difficult and basically suicidal.

 

 

Here's my theory of how it works

 

The unconscious works like a black box with input-output. The results are felt in your entire body according to how open your chakras are. Basically, it takes two ideas and compares them, and you feel the results in your body. The ideas can be a person, an idea, even yourself. With this power, anything is possible. The conditions it requires are incredibly difficult to attain, and it takes insane discipline to follow through with it.

 

First of all, one has to be completely brutally honest and willing to accept whatever the results are. The body is the canvas of the results, and the more you perfect it with physical training the easier it is. You have to be an emotional and judging type person and the mind has to be completely tranquil. Any closed chakra will short-circuit the results or change them. The mind and body should also be clean and completely holy so as not to interfere.

 

Then, what I do is I hold the target idea in my mind and carefully introduce other ideas, and the results start cropping up spontaneously. Sometimes it takes a couple hours, other times it takes seconds.

 

Example- I have my finger on the "buy" button for a trade and I consider backing down. This makes me either feel like a coward or a wise person. I consider going all in instead, and this makes me feel like an absolute Chad. I carefully analyze my thoughts and discern how I feel about them. I can feel that I'm just hesitating because I'm scared. I hold the idea of the market in my head for about a minute, and I get a spontaneous impression that something bad is about to happen to it.

 

Another example- Doing something that is morally gray and trying to decide whether it is right or wrong. The right decision makes you feel righteous, but when you consider the wrong decision feelings of evil and greed crop up inside of you. An evil person would act on the feelings of greed without hesitation because that is who they are. Because the feelings are reflected in the canvas of their body, this affects their posture, facial expressions, voice, movements and everything they express.

 

I call it "wish magic". It is also what connects everything together. We shape the world and the world shapes us in return. Everything from shape to sound carries an emotional charge, and it leaves an impression on us just by observing it. That's why my art is so colorful and curvy-- introducing any negative idea is like mixing oil with water.

 

Even as I write this, I can feel my solar plexus being slightly closed, and that may cause my tone to sound a slightly negative or bitter. I'm still working on it, but being slightly closed causes one's ego to collapse into an introverted state which is useful for psychic reads. When I interact with others though, I open it and let the joy flow while speeding up my thoughts. It's improved my life ten-fold and I can finally get stuff done. I'm glad to be able to share it with tulpas after mine have been so good to me as a sort of repayment to the community.

[yaya]

I've been stalling recently in progress. My instincts said that my current trajectory wasn't going to result in mastery, and this left me depressed. On top of that, I used psychic ability to get a good read on something, and I wasn't prepared for the answer. It basically sent me back to the shadow realm, and I'm still recovering.

 

I started trying to get a good psychic read on what to focus on, and it finally happened yesterday after weeks of trying. I got a good read and decided to focus on visualizations like this:

 

 

 

It works better because this adheres to my style of using the blob colors rather than trying to forcibly visualize a perfectly colored object. The subject of your imposition is incredibly important. Having the correct one allows you to have passion for your forcing. Previously, my focus was the rainbows, and during that period I saw the greatest progress.

 

After forcing for about five hours today, I'm starting to see great progress. I can hallucinate maybe a 2 or 3 out of 10 where 10 is the video above. That's why I emphasized the psychic aspect-- it's basically cheat codes for success if you understand and practice it.

 

I'm a firm believer in all or nothing when it comes to forcing. That's why I decided to specialize into the psychic-economic "tree" of skills, so that I would have enough time to devote myself completely. I should have enough for the next few months. I think the Tibetan monks were on to something when they practiced their techniques 24/7 in caves and their retreats.

 

I made this chart to emphasize self-mastery and willpower in forcing. The main goal should not be progress, but rather first to enjoy your forcing and build up enough willpower to force at least 5 hours a day. Results will come later. Then, once you have something that appears promising, you slam the pedal and nitro and go full blast for a couple of days or weeks to see if it pans out. Repeat until you find your groove.

 

I'd like to emphasize the short-term memory effect. Basically, looking at a reference image puts it into short-term memory, which is supposed to be mainly the front area of the brain, and basically this is the "tetris effect". Then, you learn to store it in long-term memory until you don't need a reference anymore, bridging the gap between memory and the senses. I've been using the video above as my reference, and it's working great.

 

Interesting dreams

 

Spoiler

I keep having dreams about using my brother's "weapon". He is an ENFJ, normally I am an INFJ. In the dreams, I use it to get kill after kill until I get bored. It represents my ability to conquer things by being an ambivert rather than strictly an introvert.

 

In another dream, I was trying to cross the "darth maul" laser barriers. I had to switch between introverted and extroverted back and forth to get through. Again, it emphasizes being an ambivert.

 

In one dream, somebody told me that I have one of the most gallant faces in my generation. I think it comes from having endured so much hardship and abuse while getting stronger and stronger.

 

I had a dream that I set up an attraction on a water slide ride like at Disney. I was able to create a little turbine in the water, but I was hiding most of it from the people on the ride. I think it means it's time for me to reach the next level with some actual results on my progress report rather than having such a simple contraption.

 

I have a reoccurring dream where I escape to a hidden tunnel in the back of the city. It takes hours to transverse it. There are usually little stations with people along the way. I follow the path all the way to the end until there's no more people. I find an area that nobody has ever been to, usually it's a Minecraft world. Usually, I find an area with tons of lava and diamonds everywhere. Sometimes there is a strong presence of evil. I think it represents some of the intellectual gems that I've recently found, especially regarding the nature of death and evil as it lives inside us.

 

In another dream, I had a bunch of boxes of ice cream stacked on my head. Usually, ice cream in my dreams represents intellectual or spiritual ideas.

 

 

 

I've decided that the next best thing to "going far together" is "going fast alone". It's too burdensome to try and refine my ideas enough to where they are palatable-- usually it ends in mockery and disaster, so I've decided I'm going to run alone as fast as I can and never let anyone catch me. See you on the other side.

Edited July 10, 2022 by yaya

[yaya]

Interesting Dreams

 

7/12/22

 

I had a dream that I had the infinity gauntlet on my left hand with six fingers. Assuming I'm not deluding myself, this means I may have hit the theoretical maximum on the psychic "tree" of specialization. "Wish magic" was an appropriate description for my practice, as was my commentary about "demolishing the left-handed path". It means I can potentially do anything I set my mind to. I've finally found the beginning of the end.

 

I had another dream a while ago. This one is probably the most meaningful to me today. I went to heaven and met some old men. I asked them a riddle-- "What is undeserved kindness?" They huddled together and talked among themselves. They came back and said to me, "We agree, but we also have a riddle for you. What is faithfulness?"

 

It relates to another one that I had. I was stuck in a loop in a carnival. Everybody would go around spending money on the machines. The cost became greater and greater over time. Eventually, everyone was forced to go through a line that lead to a holocaust. Once you went through the line, the loop would start over and the prices would increase. While standing in the line, I decided to sacrifice myself selflessly for a black man who stood next to me so that he didn't have to go through the holocaust. As it turns out, that's the only way to exit the loop, and I was the only one able to figure it out. After that, I saw a group of black people, and they all agreed that I deserved to exit the loop, although my experience in suffering was not much greater than their own.

 

I'll leave these two dreams as a riddle. They're massively important to me.

 

Lastly, I had a dream that my dad was building a "universe machine" that could alter space and time and grant wishes. It was made of giant pylons around the earth, with a huge coil above and below it. My dad explained that it puts pressure on the north and south poles of the universe, which causes it to transcend space and time. I then woke up from a dream (within the dream) where the machine killed my mom and sacrificed all these people when the machine became sentient. I set out to destroy the machine while my dad was away buying parts, and I freed all the animals that were held in cages around it. When he came back, I grabbed my stuff and left, not knowing where I would go or live, settling to basically be homeless. Then my dad was on the phone with some investors, and he promised he'd have it rebuilt by the weekend.

 

I think my dad represents a part of myself in this dream. My uncle was also there investing in the machine, who I consider a symbol of righteousness, although he's sometimes misguided. The dream represents that I have a very solid technical understanding of my "wish magic", but I'm conflicted about using it. "Putting pressure on the poles of the universe" most likely means the macro and microscopic, while the earth probably means the brain.

The pylons might mean having unlocked every chakra, granting true freedom and opportunity. In the dream, I told my dad he wasn't ready to control such power. That might be true of me in real life concerning this project. However, this is founded in relative innocence, as the presence of my uncle seems to represent. The scientist in me (who is represented by my dad, an INTJ scientist) probably won't be able to halt with this journey thread. I have to see the machine work, maybe even if it kills me. That's why I put the motto below the image above, "what art the type of the magi, than to be tried by the tempest of one's own flames?" It basically means "controlling power is life itself, so why be afraid or back down?"

 

7/30/22

 

New Focus

 

I think I got a good psychic read on what to focus on. Admittedly, when I got the psychic read on practicing with the video above, it basically said that it was about as good as my usual practice. I assumed that would be enough because of the fresh perspective, but it wasn't enough to break through this plateau.

 

I got a subtle hint of a psychic read, and I think it is worth pursuing. Basically, rather than focus on making my color blob CEVs stronger, I should focus on forming them into objects and things. When I first started out, I think I briefly mentioned I was trying this, and I wrote that it was a bit too distracting for me, because they seemed to take on a life of their own. Instead, I will focus on getting past this hurdle and see what happens.

 

The basic function of this technique feels very much like my CEV technique. In fact, I might even say it's the same thing with a different target. Basically, there is spontaneous visual "noise" at all times, and focusing on trying to perceive what object is in these patterns builds it out to what it actually is. It is basically just your brain's ability to interpret objects. That's why people tend to hallucinate faces inside cars and windows, for example. They think something is there, and their brain has a rough ability to hallucinate in order to match their beliefs as a function of them searching for things.

 

It's the same with the CEVs. It feels like I am searching for patterns amid the constant visual "noise", and the color blobs appear spontaneously as I search for them.

 

I can feel my spine tremble and tingle a bit as I write this. It feels like the universes is closing in around me, trembling a bit itself as I lay my hands on its holy grail.

 

 

"If You Feel Yourself Hitting Up Against Your Limit, Remember For What Cause You Clench Your Fists...Remember Why You Started Down This Path, And Let That Memory Carry You Beyond Your Limit."

 

Edited July 30, 2022 by yaya

[yaya]

Update on the new focus.

 

Unexpectedly, I can feel the wrath of God burning against me when I try this new focus. I think that means I definitely found it, and I got a good psychic read on this as well confirming it. I've felt this anger against me quite a few times in my life, but it's never something I dared disregarding. If I'm not worthy of this power, then it begs the question, "what makes one worthy?" I'm going to devote the rest of my life trying to get the answer to this. Unless I confront this, it will end in disaster. I will attempt to advance spiritually and physically until my inner peace radiates like the sun and my love and empathy consume the world. I know I'll have it eventually. At the same time, I'll practice little by little, so that the mental effects don't overwhelm me.

 

I've finally found it. I wasn't ready, so I opened my chakras. I was confused, so I became psychic. I wasn't worthy, so I will consume the world with my ambition until I've conquered this final holy grail. I made a promise and I intend on keeping it.

 

In other news, I took the enneagram test and came up 4w5- "the bohemian". My tulpa came up as a 2, so we have an interesting relationship, but I think I prefer it this way. I basically agree with everything it said. It seems like a good system worth investigating intellectually.

 

What we're listening to right now (I'm in love with the vibe of this movie):

 

[Luminesce]

1 hour ago, yaya said:

Unexpectedly, I can feel the wrath of God burning against me when I try this new focus.

 

These absolutely are still schizophrenic thoughts, indicative of a brain making chaotic "meaningful" connections out of nothing, which can easily end up making you a danger to yourself or even others.

Are you still on an antipsychotic? If so, I think you need a higher dosage.. Or to perhaps try a different one, I'm not sure, would need to ask a professional

 

As fun as imposition is, it is classically dangerous to practice from a chaotic mental state like this. Practicing imposition when you already have trouble distinguishing reality from imagined thoughts and feelings only serves to mess your brain up more.

Edited August 1, 2022 by Luminesce

[yaya]

On 7/31/2022 at 3:03 PM, Luminesce said:

 

These absolutely are still schizophrenic thoughts, indicative of a brain making chaotic "meaningful" connections out of nothing, which can easily end up making you a danger to yourself or even others.

Are you still on an antipsychotic? If so, I think you need a higher dosage.. Or to perhaps try a different one, I'm not sure, would need to ask a professional

 

As fun as imposition is, it is classically dangerous to practice from a chaotic mental state like this. Practicing imposition when you already have trouble distinguishing reality from imagined thoughts and feelings only serves to mess your brain up more.

 

The way I see it, I have two choices, either I ignore the intrusive thoughts and proceed, or I take its advice and practice caution, that's all that matters. It seems like it recommends caution, as do you, so that's what I'll do.

 

In hindsight, it makes sense to me. I vividly remember the reckless ambition of my father in the dream, the worried phone call with the investors, and the feeling of righteousness I got from destroying the machine and freeing the animals. It's rare that my dreams ever miss on things like that. At a minimum, I'll take your advice and proceed with caution. At worst, I am like my father in the dream, trying to achieve my wishes at the cost of all else, which these intrusive thoughts condemn, like you also do.

 

P.S. I have countless stories that prove to me it's not all in my head. Do you want to know what the demons are like? One time we summoned one in my room, and there was an old CRT TV unplugged from the wall. The demon was able to turn it off and on to indicate yes/no to our questions. I have countless stories like that. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter, but I think I'm quite logical in my assumptions. It's with my convictions that I've been capable of performing no-fap and no-porn for eight long years, so there's at least some merit to my methods. That's why I give so much power to these mental impressions. I've performed and seen the impossible with them. It's what works for me. Sorry if I offended you.

 

Breakthrough

 

I developed a new technique that has changed everything. I've been wondering how to strengthen my willpower, because much of my goals felt out of reach. I developed a technique to slowly increase it, and with that I think I can achieve anything.

 

I divided a paper into three parts. On the left is how long I practice for, on the right is how many intervals I perform, and at the bottom is my current streak. I slowly increase the duration of my intervals and the number of intervals I perform one at a time until I reach my goals in forcing time.

 

 

I started meditating. At first, I could only do one ten minute interval a day. Now I can do thirty-minute intervals four times a day, and I have a decent streak.

 

At the same time, I'm pushing toward peak physical condition, because after strengthening the body, the mind will follow.

 

Right now I'm working on meditating, but it feels like everything is finally within reach. I plan to meditate, possibly up to eight hours a day or until I get bored, then switch to audio imposition if I feel comfortable, and from there, we'll see.

 

 

meditation log 8/9/22

 

I first started at 10 minutes, while listening to music. I dropped the music, and now I'm doing 15 minute intervals. I'm starting to crave the numb and blissful feeling it brings. I noticed my CEVs are much stronger while in this higher state of mind. When I finished and came back to reality, I started to see trippy hallucinatory patterns while my vision was distorted, and I could feel my mind briefly operating much higher than normal, like I had just woken up from a nap. I also briefly forgot where I was, almost like I had gone to sleep. I'm curious if I can extend these patterns and the state of mind.

 

I feel on top of the world. Using this technique, I can strengthen my willpower until I force eight hours a day on whatever I choose. I'm making tons of money, and everything is falling into place.

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by yaya

[fleb]

This is an interesting thread,

 

Would you be able to give any advice for someone just starting out? Do you remember what steps you followed to start seeing colors with your eyes closed?

When I close my eyes I am able to see static and also moving patterns after some time, but they seem to be shades of black and white- I don't really have much control of the patterns or change colors