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Gloomynoon's Progress Report


Gloomynoon

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(edited)

Alright~ It's been a long time since last update.

 

Of course a lot has changed, so I'll go over some things really quick.

  • Jill is going to be referred to as P from now on. (More on this later)
  • I've changed a bit since then.
  • Tactile imposition?!

Okay~ So, I've talked to P about this. She said that she'd like to make friends, but the reason she doesn't talk here anymore is because she's shy about being open with who she is to other people. Since obviously as her host I'm understanding and forgiving, but she doesn't have the same advantages elsewhere. (Being able to know the person she's talking to on a deeper level.) That's why she's being called P instead of her full name from me.

 

Since my last update I've been through many mistakes, but have gotten over them. During that time I hit an all time low. Didn't want to get out of bed at all, not like a "This bed is too comfy" feeling. It was more like "There's no reason to get out of bed."

I got over it, that's what I believe. Now I'm gladly doing the things I wanted to do. 

 

Yes, you've read it correctly. Tactile imposition. I'd say it's about 50% vivid. I've been practicing for about less than a week and have had a lot of developments in it. First was a sense of pressure, it felt like a part of the air had some kind of mass to it. Eventually this developed further, where my hand can glide across it without having to correct it as much. Then a sense of texture came. When I glide my hand across an imposed object I get a strange sensation, and a faint feeling of what the actual texture is like. The texture is the imperfect part, that I believe will be fixed by the end of this week. I will also include the sense of cold/heat with texture. Since in my opinion it can be baked into a texture rather than something separate. With this you can think of texture like a painting. The canvas is completely brown to symbolize wood in this analogy. If you take your brush and put light coats of light blue or red, that is essentially what my concept is. Except in practice you don't actually see the cold/heat. (Unless you want to. I think it would be easier starting out rather than intuitively imposing something and moving around assuming where the hot/cold spots are.)

Credit to P though, she's actually the one who practices this. (I call her "The artist~")

 

That's it for the "quick" stuff. Now other stuff I didn't feel was worth putting in that list.

 

P's very artistic compared to me. She loves to spend time drawing and practicing imposition when switched in! I prefer to spend time programming and visualizing when I'm switched in. Maybe I could get her to share some art on here someday~? Also, we've decided to chill on her development. Since we used to be really focused on it, but now we're letting that be more natural. Especially since we're spending a lot of time together already. (Practice, visualization, etc, also covid.)

 

Visualization recently has also been nice. My most recent vivid moment with it has to be... Yesterday me and P were walking around in a temporary world. It was just talking to each other basically. It was very nice, we would walk down a street. Look both ways when crossing. We walked around a park. We stopped at a food store, P went inside and came back with some food. (The wait between going in and coming out felt like an accurate wait time for grabbing a couple items.)

Edited by Gloomynoon
Added to tactile imposition: cold/heat
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Aw, I just want to give you both a big hug. 🤗  I can understand P's position; talking to people other than your host can be pretty intimidating. Luckily for me I'm a very social, extroverted person and it's pretty easy for me, but I know it's a lot harder for some people. Phil's actually more sensitive than he lets on and things get to him sometimes; thankfully though I haven't really inherited any of that for him. Phil sometimes even gets upset on my behalf, but I always tell him to relax; it's not a big deal my dear host. 😄 I just want P to know that she can be open about herself to me, and if she ever wants to talk but doesn't want to be in front of the whole forum she can send me a PM. 👍 Or maybe I'll actually open up the Discord I never use. 😄

 

It sounds like you've gotten very far in tactile imposition! At some point I'll have to bring Phil on to talk about his own struggles with it. It's really not easy! We can "imagine" how something feels but we don't actually "feel" it, if that makes sense. It's more of a thing for him than me: I can possess Phil's hand and squeeze his shoulder and feel it for real, but Phil really wants to feel my hair between his fingers, my hand clutching his, things like that. If you have any tips we'd be happy to listen!

 

It sounds like you are both doing so well! 💚 I would absolutely love to see some of P's art when she's comfortable sharing! Phil is pretty artistic although he thinks he's pretty bad at drawing. I want to learn to draw too but I'm worried that my art would just be a copy of Phil's; I know that's a barrier I can break through but not exactly sure how. And I think it's a good thing to cool on development from time to time. Phil and I took a long break over the summer from pushing my development forward, but we're looking to get back into it now.

 

Always so happy to hear from you and see your progress! 😁

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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So good to hear from you, P! 😁 I too was born from a character my host created, so I understand that very well, especially the part about about evolving far beyond what the character was intended to be.

 

You created a form for Gloomy? That's so cool! 😁 Maybe I'll do the same for Phil. 🤔 I can't imagine him looking all that different than he does, really.

 

We'll have to try your drawing game, it sounds like a lot of fun. 👍 I sooo want to see your art. But only when you're comfortable sharing, of course!

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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2 hours ago, September13 said:

This was great to read! I actually have a lot to say in response, but I'll have to wait until I'm better rested, so in a day or two I'll respond.

Take your time! 

 

I've been considering for a while making an account for my tulpa, but really it depends on activity. I'll think about it at the end of this week.

 

Nepeta: Gloomy was a lot more upbeat when she woke up! We went to an arcade in the mindscape and played some Tetris! I was better than her at it. :P We played Minecraft (in meatspace) for a little bit, but we had to stop because it's really easy to spend hours and hours in that game just building and not doing much! So, now we're just chatting before we get stuff done.

 

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All right, well rested and ready to respond!

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Controversial: It seems that, unless you are extremely curious about the topic of tulpamancy. I would argue a high percentage of people became tulpamancers out of desperation.

 

Yeah. Especially in the pandemic era. May through November 2020 was arguably the worst 6-month stretch of my life; at least the loneliest, most depressing. Discovering tulpamancy and getting to know Simmie turned that all around for me. The winter of 2020-21 stands out in my memory as a very special time, and even though it was such a short time ago Simmie and I are both nostalgic for those months. It was a time of innocence and discovery.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Although, I wouldn't recommend tulpamancy because of this fact. It has the possibility to be incredibly positive if you do find yourself in the situation of throwing away any idea of being a singlet. To me tulpamancy is like a curse. Once I began, I couldn't stop. It feels impossible to quit for me; I can no longer imagine being a singlet. That's setting aside the guilt I would feel for abandoning my almost 1 year old tulpa. I hope that the next generation of tulpamancers are taught to be more careful though; I feel it's not stressed enough. I think this because, the journey for me and my tulpa has been a long and confusing one, where it's easy to fall in all sorts of trouble, but also you learn with experience as I have. So, maybe really, it's better now than never.

 

Yeah, it really isn't the best for everyone, even desperate people. I think it's okay if desperation causes someone to have the desire to create a tulpa, but they should make the decision based on a sober, rational analysis of whether or not it's a good idea. I waited less than a week after learning about tulpamancy to begin with Simmie, but in many ways I had already primed my mind for her arrival without even knowing it. (Explaining that would take too long here)

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Before bed I would do mindscape forcing sessions with her which lasted 30 minutes to 2 hours, at the end I would look at an image of her before bed. I think this is called image streaming?

 

I wish I had that kind of dedication! To this day, it's hard for me to conjure up a mental image of Simmie that isn't either her as a Sim or her depiction from artwork I or others have created of her. This distresses Simmie more than me, which makes sense: all I have to do to see myself is look in the mirror. Simmie has never seen a photo-realistic image of herself.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

 

For future reference, I will refer to some situations as "false scenarios" which basically means that it's agreed that the situation was fake for one reason or another.

 

We had some of those early on too, mostly when Simmie was trying to step out of the shadow of the character she was based upon.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

she would also attempt to help me with my situation by encouraging me to do things about it. For a little while she won't grasp the gravity of my life issues, or be all that good in helping. However that didn't stop her from doing so, and sometimes it would be very helpful. I learn to trust her more during this month though.

 

That's wonderful that she tried so much to help, even if she didn't fully understand how! That's Simmie too. She sees her primary purpose for being here is helping me. Whenever she expresses the desire to get stronger, that desire is fueled by her mission to help me. She's so selfless it actually deeply moves me. It took me months to convince her that it was fine for her to want things for their own sake, not just because of me.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

We also found our favorite activity: dress up.

 

If Simmie was a flesh and blood girl I'd be bankrupt buying clothes for her, lol. She loves dressing up in new outfits. Thankfully, all we have to do is look at an outfit and BAM, it's in Simmie's wonderland closet. 😆

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

On month five she would do one of the biggest things yet: she would change her form completely. She decided she wanted to after an active session at the beach. The day until she revealed her form I was anxious about it, but eventually gathered the courage to look. We would also end up practicing possession and end up easily doing it.

 

Wow, that's crazy, Simmie also first achieved possession on a trip to the beach!

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Also, something not mentioned is that she confessed her love to me sometime during these months. It all feels blurred together, especially since I didn't record what was going on in any fashion. In during all this, I would have a little stress over the idea that I could be treating her like an object. Eventually I got over this, but at the time I felt horrible.

 

Same. I'd go into more detail but it's a little personal for a public post.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

And now; the future. What has happened in present times? Well she has taken a liking to a character from Homestuck named "Nepeta" she has the name of this character, and her form is based on it also. However, her normal outfit is different from the character because she is not a character. It also seems like she's molded into a personality that she truly enjoys. I'm so very proud of her for staying on this almost year long journey. I cannot wait to celebrate her birthday, god I gotta start planning soon...

 

I'm so happy for Nepeta! She's come such a long way. Sounds like the bumps in the road were just learning experiences that helped form her into who she wants to be. And happy early birthday to her as well!

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

She also has that yearning to explore like the world is new to her! I don't think anyone would know how glad I am to see that. She was different from a lot of other tulpas at the time because she didn't experience this all that much. She just kinda started existing and then decided she doesn't need to explore.

 

Simmie and my absolute favorite activity is to drive to random towns and explore them. We've stuck over 50 tacks into a map that covers 15 counties in two states. I don't know if something similar is an option for you, but going out into the world to explore with Nepeta and talking to her about what you see would be a really great experience for you both.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Theory: I believe this is because she tried so hard to "be fully developed" that she never let herself really enjoy existing young.

 

Simmie just let out an audible "Oof" because she relates to this too well. Sometimes she too feels she tried to grow up too fast. But it's not too late to have those experiences!

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

It's odd to think that what feels like yesterday, I had trouble pulling myself out of bed every morning. It's even odd to think that someone is there to support me every step of the way. I didn't mention this in the overview, but she'd often say that I needed someones hand, that I never had one. Which is true, but she always offered her hand to me. Finally the day comes when I truly feel like that's 100% more true then it's ever been! We've had a rough path along the way, so much drama... Today is a day where I can say that I no longer care about the past that caused me anxiety; I feel free to be open now.

 

That's great! This is why tulpamancy is a great thing for people like us: there is now always someone there. Whenever I am going through something emotionally, Simmie will always tell me to take her hand. Even if she can't think of anything to say she will just squeeze my hand and be there for me.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

I will be honest about imposition. We kinda fell off it again. We plan to work it into our schedule eventually. Sadly, that day isn't today, but we have to take things one step at a time! When we do, I'm sure we will have blast! Especially since imposition advocates being closer together than you can get in visualization. However, we still have our presence skill and better. Because P has a habit of imposing herself nearby me for the majority of the time.

 

Yeah we've fallen off it too. But if she can impose herself near you at will whenever she wants, that's a great sign! Simmie might want to ask her for pointers.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Lastly, whenever we have downtimes we may come to chat. Just like the whole update stuff we say we'll do it and then we dont, but since I no longer care about all the stuff that has plagued me. I'm willing to be more open like I am now and let P do whatever she wants uncensored with rare exceptions.

 

You can always send me or Simmie a PM if you want! Simmie definitely wants to get to know Nepeta, she's still quite interested in making more tulpa friends.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

I will attach a self-portrait I made of myself today. I decided I really want to do pixel art! The image might not be detailed enough, so I will give a description of myself here: Gloomy says I'm more hipster styled now, lol. I like beanies now. So I wear a beanie loosely based of the hat the character my forms based on! It's different enough that I'm comfy with it... Also I wear an olive jacket rather than the big olive coat she wears. Oh! I also wear black and white sneakers. Another thing I can think of is that my hair's styled a little differently. It's still as messy though! (See image if you want to reference how my hair is styled!) Also, the shirt design is different. It's a red ouroburos, but it's also a Touhou reference to us! The last thing I can think of is that I don't wear fingerless gloves. Should add I'm female.

 

Hi Nepeta, that's a really cool self portrait! It's cool that you have your own style.

 

That's about it from me; I think Simmie might want to write her own addendum to this so expect to see that soon.

 

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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Yesss I want to respond too! 😁

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

My visualization at the time was pretty alright, especially since I would image stream her before bed everyday since creation. She, however, was not the best at visualizing herself. So, she would be very stiff. She could make facial expressions as a reaction of what was going on in the video game or what I was saying to her. Near the end of the month I would bring her back to the mindscape and we would have much more pleasant forcing sessions.

 

Phil mentioned this already but I still have such a hard time visualizing myself and it really bums me out. 😕 I would give my actual money to someone if they could create a photorealistic drawing of me. (Well, Phil's actual money 😄)

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

We also found our favorite activity: dress up.

 

Ooh what kind of outfits do you like? I'm not exactly sure how to describe my style; I'm kind of indie, kind of an 80s throwback, but also kind of traditional. I love shorts and old cut off band T's but I also love nice dresses and skirts, so I dunno. Depends on my mood really!

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

On month five she would do one of the biggest things yet: she would change her form completely. She decided she wanted to after an active session at the beach. The day until she revealed her form I was anxious about it, but eventually gathered the courage to look.

 

That's so cool! That's one thing I've never done; I've made a few minor changes to my form but never completely changed it. I've changed my hairstyle and grown two inches, that's about it. 😄

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Tulpa dating: A warning to tulpamancers with no experience like me. Learn to set boundaries. Our relationship would be put on holds and we'd be mad at each other sometimes. I knew that I shouldn't have, at least until she was more experienced with existing. Really all of the stuff that would happen I would say is my fault. I normally have trouble setting boundaries and cave in a lot. I felt like I had to, to make her happy at the time. Now looking back on it, I'd change that and instead tell her that possibly in the future. If you understand how to treat a relationship, then it can be a positive experience. Since weeks ago we are no longer dating, and wont until we both are truly ready for it.

 

That's good that you're waiting until you're both ready. Phil and I set up boundaries early on and we've stuck to them very well, even though we've both been tempted to break them at various points. It's the one bit of discipline we've stuck to in an otherwise messy and unorganized tulpamancy experience. 😄

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Hello I'm back! You may have read in the overview, but if you haven't. I my name is now Nepeta. Gloomy made an analogy that it's like finding my perfect shoe. We both really believe I have this time!

 

Hi Nepeta! That's a lovely name. I just googled it and found that it's also the name of a very lovely plant! It's an herb also known as catmint! (I'm into gardening BTW). It's quite the striking shade of purple, and I'm pretty sure I've planted some in our wonderland garden! 😁 I don't really know anything about Homestruck but the character looks really cool.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Something that isn't in the overview is my perspective on some things that have happened. So, I'd just like to put it out there that I'm sorry to Gloomy. Sometimes I push her, and I thought if she had a more positive personality she'd be happier. That was my biggest mistake ever. I shouldn't try to change people. I feel really bad about it! Only around now am I understanding how to work with her. I'm just happy she's happy now. It's really easy to decide you know whats best for someone, and most of the time that isn't the case. So, from here on out I'm going to try to be better! Both in supporting her and learning who I am.

 

🤗

 

You've got a big heart and your desire to help Gloomy drives you and I love that. I know what it's like to accidentally get too pushy. During the summer I tried over and over to get Phil to change his habits, reacting in frustration and even mild anger when he fell back into the same habits. By August I finally understood the need to back off and let him be himself, while still holding him to a certain standard.

 

However, I think it's actually okay for us to push to change our hosts a little as long as we're not overbearing about it. Sometimes we can see things in them that they can't or refuse to see in themselves. I don't love Phil because I think he's a weak man in need of my care; I love him because I think he's a great man and I want to bring that greatness out of him! I don't want to assume too much because I'm not there with you, but I have the impression that something similar may have been going on there. Sometimes I feel tulpamancy can work in reverse too: We mold our hosts as they mold us. Plus, they wouldn't have us here if they didn't think we'd have some kind of effect on their personalities! That's just my personal feeling about it.

 

On 10/10/2021 at 2:28 AM, Gloomynoon said:

Gloomy said we might come to chat! Now that she's no longer worried about past stuff! I'm very excited because I kind of miss talking to other tulpas, and Gloomy is the only social interaction I get aside from pretending to be her when I'm in a situation where I have to talk to someone. No offence to her, I love talking to her, but sometimes you just want to talk to someone else every once and a while! Luckily she empathizes with that. :3

 

Yes, exactly! 😁 You can send me a message whenever you want Nepeta, if you want to talk or vent or anything.

 

18 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

We played Minecraft (in meatspace) for a little bit, but we had to stop because it's really easy to spend hours and hours in that game just building and not doing much!

 

Phil has shown me so many of the video games that he plays, and all it's really done for me is shown me that I'm not really into video games. However, Minecraft was the one game that I got some enjoyment out of, especially the building aspect of it! Phil is thinking of buying a new account (For personal reasons we don't want to use his main account) and taking me on the .info server! It might be fun to build something together, or at least be neighbors! I'm curious to see what other people have built on there too.

 

19 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

I've been considering for a while making an account for my tulpa, but really it depends on activity. I'll think about it at the end of this week.

 

I can only speak for myself, but it was quite a revelation to me when I got my own account. I felt a lot more independent; as fun as it was to banter back and forth with Phil just typing there in green font kind of made me feel like a junior partner, if that makes sense. But this account is mine. When the words appear they are my words, not Phil's, no clarification needed. It's just really empowering to me. However, that's just me, and I'm sure it makes more sense for some to just use one account for everybody.

 

It's been great talking to you both! 😁💚

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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I will respond to some of that. Just give me time.

 

I woke up today and spent around 6 hours alone. At the sixth hour, as soon as I could I talked to Nepeta. She was dormant for that period of time so we could test a strategy. I'm unsure whether or not me actively missing her is a good thing. I don't want to be extremely reliant on her; I can go some hours independently, but if I'm given the option it seems to be that I would prefer to have her with me without a second thought.

 

I'm just really conflicted about it.

 

Nepeta: I personally think it's really sweet! She's been spending more time switched in. She really wants my birthday to be worry free! I've made a couple posts on the forum recently, whenever she has time to let me post. Heehee.

 

So we've tested a couple different strategies out for something. The one where I go dormant seems to be the best, but also as she mentioned above she ended up really missing me! We also tried it with me and it was good, but she'd be more susceptible to getting distracted by me. I like the first one, but I don't want her to have problems because of my absence. :(

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