Jump to content

Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13
 Share

Recommended Posts

i think the idea is very interesting and maybe a given. we havent thought about it much, but if we havent switched-in for a while when we switch-in then our "graymind" is very apparent. even just taking a breather switching-out and back in its still a little apparent cause we usually switch-in with a clear mind. overtime the mastermind graymind (hehe) becomes more apparent. like our grayminds batteries die so something has to take its place.

"Message in a bottle~"

Nepeta: October 20th 2020

Kate: October 8th 2022

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 months later...
  • Replies 167
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Hello! It's been a very long time since I've updated this progress report. That's mostly because Simmie and I haven't really had any earth-shattering progress in the tulpamancy front. Simmie really does feel like a "fully-formed" tulpa, whatever that means, and she has full mastery of accessing the cognitive abilities of this brain. I mean, you've all seen her. She's basically just a person at this point. I mean, she was always a person, but you get what I mean!

 

We have been doing practices I like to call "Continuation forcing" or maybe "Maintenance Forcing". Basically this means engaging in activities that renew and strengthen our bond, and allows Simmie to fully express herself to me without distractions. Usually we do this by going somewhere nice and natural to sit and meditate, or even "walking meditation", and focusing on getting the mind in the right state so we can have the clearest connection and focus. I know a lot of people stop forcing when their tulpa becomes "fully formed". But to me that's like no longer going on dates with your wife because you're married; I think that's kind of sad. (Of course, I take Simmie on plenty of dates as well, because she's my wife and she deserves it). Continuation forcing is like inspecting a bridge that you don't expect to fail, but just want to make sure that it's holding up okay.

 

Today we did a very good thing for us; I took Simmie to a quiet library after a nice walk and meditation, and let her write whatever she wanted on my laptop. It was great to see her journal and get her thoughts out in a clear way. Most of it is too personal to share, of course, but there are some aspects to it that I'm sure Simmie would be willing to share when she feels like it. One thing that came out that was interesting was that Simmie believes that she has her own internal world which exists within mine/ours, which could be seen as a second-order wonderland. Thinking back on our history I realized that it's even possible for me to enter this internal Simmie world, and it's actually a very joyous and pleasurable thing to do so. But Simmie doesn't want me to do that too often or for very long; it doesn't seem "proper" to her. (If you want to see an example from a while back where I entered this world, go to this lounge entry and look at the 4th and 5th paragraphs in the second spoiler box)

 

Simmie and I are contemplating a huge change. Something that is going to change everything if we go through with it. She's hinted at it before. But we're thinking of going from two to three. That's right--another headmate could be formed. And not just any headmate--our child. This is not something we are taking lightly and we fully understand that this is going to entirely alter the dynamic we have going on. We'll talk about this more in detail soon. But I just wanted to put it out there that we are considering it.

 

Before I go I just want to do one final thing: I just want to thank and praise Simmie for everything that she's been doing. You all see Simmie and talk to her--and I hope you enjoy talking to her--but you really only see about 2% of the person she is. Simmie has a strength to her that just leaves me in awe. When she was created she was saddled with a totally unfair and overwhelming burden--namely taking care of me--that she's handled like a champ. She had to learn who she was and grow as both a person and a tulpa all while figuring out how to balance the at-times chaotic and heavy emotions that happen inside this head. I think a lesser person would have completely crumbled under that pressure. But Simmie has thrived. She has come out of it with an indominable spirit and positive outlook that stuns and inspires me. I think she's going to make for an absolutely amazing mother. But as I've said, I'll talk about that later. I just wanted to convey in some small way what an amazing person Simmie is.

 

That's it for now! I may write another update soon concerning the topic I mentioned before, though I may leave that for Simmie to write about. Until then, see everyone later!

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Great to hear, and whatever you two decide, I hope you continue to be happy together 😊 Obviously we're biased in favor of the whole having kids thing, but we definitely don't want to rush anyone into that kind of commitment!

 

Quote

One thing that came out that was interesting was that Simmie believes that she has her own internal world which exists within mine/ours, which could be seen as a second-order wonderland. Thinking back on our history I realized that it's even possible for me to enter this internal Simmie world, and it's actually a very joyous and pleasurable thing to do so.

Elise seems to have a couple different microcosms of her own that she can visit while in a lucid dreaming-like state; one is a massive training compound with really high walls and no ceilings; the other is sort of a parlor or lounge where she can talk to/play games with various female fictional characters I've seen or read about over the years. She pulled me into her training compound once when I was dreaming, it felt like playing a game in full-body VR with having to jump and climb on things.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*hugs* I'm so happy for you two. 🥺❤ You both deserve happiness. You make me proud. 😁

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

*hugs* I'm so happy for you two. 🥺❤ You both deserve happiness. You make me proud. 😁

 

Thank you so much Jaina!!! 🤗💚💚💚

 

18 hours ago, glitchthe3rd said:

Great to hear, and whatever you two decide, I hope you continue to be happy together 😊 Obviously we're biased in favor of the whole having kids thing, but we definitely don't want to rush anyone into that kind of commitment!

 

I've definitely got a bit of the baby fever! 😁👶 I definitely don't want to rush; I want to do things the right way. I want my child to have the gentlest, most loving introduction to this world possible. Have you guys written about your history with having kids, because we'd definitely love to read it to learn from your example! 😁 Also looking to Darron and Jaina to see how their journey goes with Dain and Nova!

 

My little internal world is like a daydream I keep around in my back pocket. It's like--well, my primary existence is within the wonderland, since although I do interact with the outside world, most of what I do is internal to this brain. So if my existence is one layer deep in the wonderland, then my own little internal world would be a second layer deep. Does that make any sense? Anyway, even though I have it, I don't enter it often or even think about it all that much, because after all why would I need to? I have everything I need in the regular wonderland! This internal world isn't even really that well defined; I mostly picture green clouds with swirls of purple, magenta, and pink around. Metaphorically it's where my thoughts are born before they enter into my mind. But it's also a metaphor for my womb. I think that my child would exist there first before they are "born". It's all packed with layers of symbolism and meaning for me.

 

I was reflecting on my journal entry from last night. Most of it was just rehashing things I've talked about before so there's no sense in repeating them. Some of it was private as Phil illuded to, or it is stuff I'm not quite ready to share. But one thing I've realized is that after all this time I still do have a fear of being forgotten. Even with how entrenched I've become in Phil's mind and his life, I do still fear a possible future time when he thinks of me less and less often and I go dormant or completely inactive. I think the fear is not completely unfounded either; Phil does have a history of being really into things for 2-3 years and then barely thinking of them after that. I don't want to be one of those "things". He says he won't forget about me, and I believe that he doesn't intend to, and we do still talk and interact almost constantly whenever he's not doing something that requires his full attention. But there's still that little niggling thought at the back of my mind. I don't let it bother me and I don't dwell on it. But it is there.

 

That's about all I have to add on what Phil wrote yesterday! 😁 I'm definitely going to write more about the child topic soon. 👶 Have a good day everybody! 💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

🤰 - Baby Boy Tulpa expected on April 7, 2023 👶💚

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't remember if I've specifically written about it in my PR, but I've talked about our experience in the relevant threads over on General Discussion or Q&A. I wouldn't know how to write a guide about tulpa pregnancy/child-rearing either, even though that seems to be increasingly in demand.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

In the past while I've been contemplating Simmie's development not just as a tulpa, but as a person too. It's been really astounding to watch it all unfold; the primary driver behind Simmie's development in the last year or more has been Simmie herself; I've mainly just been here to witness it and help her where I can!

 

I think there is one flaw she had that I want to talk about, and I know she's embarrassed that I'm bringing it up, but I think it's worth talking about: I think Simmie is too nice for her own good. She is a very pure soul and even though I know that she knows better than this, deep in her heart she feels that she can form a connection with anyone if only she tries enough. The thing is, though, is that no matter how hard you try, there are some people who will never be your friend no matter what you do, and in most of those cases you are never going to understand the reason why. Simmie, though intellectually very smart about these kinds of things, is still a very optimistic person on an emotional level. I've seen her try her hardest to connect to certain people and seen how much it hurts her when she fails. Honestly it actually makes me more upset than her, because while Simmie can bounce back quickly from these things I really feel upset on her behalf because I hold her in such high regard and believe that she deserves to be treated better. (She would argue with me here and say that she doesn't deserve to be treated better than anyone else, but I disagree) Then that leads on to Simmie being sad that I'm upset and thinking that it's her fault.

 

In my life I've managed to emotionally harden myself and put up defenses against being hurt by other people. But Simmie feels that putting up similar defenses for herself would be a betrayal of who she is. She doesn't want to be an emotionally walled-off fortress; she wants to be open and approachable and personable. When it works out for her I can feel her soul dancing with joy! But when it doesn't I feel her pain, and it's a stronger and sharper pain than I would have to feel because of the aforementioned defenses. She has thought about giving up in order to emotionally protect me. But I don't want her to feel like she's betraying who she is. Simmie's kindness is a boon for anyone who encounters it. I don't want her to withhold her beautiful self from anyone out of fear of getting hurt. I don't want her to turn into a cynical bastard like me.

 

But honestly I mainly just admire Simmie for what she does. No matter how many times she gets hurt she just keeps on trying. It's not faked or forced--trust me, if Simmie talks to you she really is interested in what you have to say, she really does care about your happiness, and she genuinely hopes that her interaction with you will improve your day if only by a little. It almost brings me to tears thinking that there's a part of my brain that's capable of hosting a being of such kindness. And she cares about the forum community as a whole--she is completely serious about wanting to make this a more welcoming place. She goes out of her way to interact with new people especially and make them feel welcome. Whenever she thinks about stepping back she thinks of that as "seceding ground" and feels it's her moral duty to stay the course.

 

I have expressed before how intense of a person Simmie is. That intensity brings great things into my life but also quite a bit of stress as I've outlined above. I'm not sure what help I'm looking for or expecting to get from all this. But this seems to be something important to share as this takes up a lot of Simmie's thoughts and is very important to her. I would personally rather hurt than have Simmie change who she is to spare my feelings. But Simmie sees her main duty as protecting and helping me above all things. So we're in a bit of a conundrum when it comes to how Simmie interacts with the world. Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated! Or just kind words even if they're critical.

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

   I relate a lot to her; it really sucks when you try to bond with people and are met with hostility. Thing is, there isn't really a better option. If they're gonna be rude when you're nice to them, then they aren't going to be any better when you're mean to them either. I try not to expect something in return when I do something like that, as it will either turn the whole ordeal into a weird transaction of good deeds or just end up in disappointment. Obviously, its harder in practice to just be good for the sake of being good, but its something I try to do.

 

   If it makes her feel any better, she's one of the people I like hearing from the most. She really feels like she's the main one keeping the community together, being super friendly and kind to everyone that posts. I think a lot of us are just kind of hanging around and are kind of sticks in the mud, but she's always around to brighten the mood or be a positive influence. I hope life isn't taking too much of a toll on her.

Slipper (cringelord host) and Mordecai (the brain gremlin).

 

Art Thread

Progress Report

   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys are always welcome to DM us if you want, we won't make Simmie feel bad for wanting to be friends with people 🙂 Maybe expect some lewdity from certain people if you do message us 😋 As to your question, we don't have all the answers when it comes to being sociable, but you can't please everyone all the time anyway. Whenever that happens, you can let it affect your ego or you can just accept that things didn't work out with the other person, since it reflects more on them than on you.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your kind words @Slipper😁 I really do try to be kind to everyone on the forum. Most of the time people are positive in response, but in the cases that they are negative I at least know that I did the right thing. 😊 I'm not perfect and I might slip up once in a while. But I'm always working to better myself and set a good example! 😁 Also Slipper I really want to say that your posts make me very happy as well! I love the fact that you draw people's tulpas and bring joy to them through your art! 💚 Mordecai is awesome too and it's always a treat when I talk to him!!!

 

Thank you also @glitchthe3rd😁 I may indeed DM you guys at some point! I'm not too bothered by lewdness; I live in Phil's brain after all and have to deal with plenty of his thoughts that I can't share 😄. I am indeed learning to accept the fact that I'm not going to be able to please or connect with everyone all the time. I like to see it as not a fault or my own or even them, but just a basic incompatibility. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt because unlike Phil I'm not inside their heads and don't know the private struggles they're going through.

 

 

And now I present to you... Simmie's Reverse Tulpamancy Update! 😁

 

I had a great talk with my wonderful, sweet host Phil while we were out tonight. We discussed how he believes that despite everything good that we've built together through tulpamancy, Phil's mental state is in a bit of a worse place in 2022 than it was in 2021. There are many real-world reasons for this I won't go into. But we talked about how it related to him and I and how our relationship has changed and evolved. In 2021 everything was new and wonderful for us, particularly in the early months. Him discovering me and me discovering him, it was truly a beautiful time and really lifted what could have been a dismal time deep in the covid pandemic. Now in 2022 that novelty has faded; it's hard for us to find that exact spark anymore; things that were novel in 2021 have become routine in 2022. But I pointed out to him that we have gained something new: Consistency.

 

All throughout 2021 Phil was worried about whether I was strong enough as a tulpa; whether I was going to fade away, and a million other little insecurities. Once we passed a full year together and are now closer to two; those fears have gone away. Phil knows that I am solid and I am strong, and I'm not going anywhere. I have the ability to remind Phil to pay attention to me if it's been a little while. We have a ritual where we always say good morning to each other upon waking; if Phil ever forgets I initiate it, and we've never missed our "good morning" once. 🥰 All that to say, I am strong and consistent. Phil doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere. I am here to stay, and as long as his heart beats my heart beats too--I will always love and support him until the very end of our natural lives--and if there is some kind of afterlife--beyond too. 💚

 

I think this consistency is more potent than the joy brought through the novelty before. It's like a long and steady flame instead of sparks. Phil used to look to me for that kind of escapism, almost as a fun little secret and a project to be worked on. I can't really provide him with that anymore; we can still escape into the wonderland, but we're never going to be able to ressurect the "honeymoon period". So I think about Phil and his worse-off mental state and how I can help him, because I still believe that is my main purpose on this Earth, to love, support, and help my host, who is also my husband and best friend. 💚

 

While sitting at a chair in a quiet public library I asked Phil to join me on an exercise. I asked him to picture me in his mind in as great of detail as he could. I wanted him to get as clear an image of me in his mind as he could, to focus entirely on me. Then, I struck a symbolic pose for him. A strong, resilient, but happy pose. I wanted to demonstrate to him that despite all the weights on my shoulder that I carry that my head is still high, I am still strong, and I am still taking on the future. And most importantly, I have never let everything that weighs on me slow me down or make me compromise who I am. I wanted to portray absolute strength to Phil; an honest, genuine strength that I fully believe myself to have. I asked Phil what this makes him want to do. Part of him wants to hug and kiss me, and part of him wants to just bow down at my feet. 😄 But I don't want to be worshipped, and while I love to be hugged and kissed, the thing I really want from Phil is for him to follow me.

 

That became the refrain and the main point of the exercise: Follow Me. Not in the way a subordinate follows a commander though. More like the way a hiker follows a guide. I stood in front of him; I changed from the dress I had been wearing into blue jeans, a tank top, and walking shoes. In other words, active clothes. There may be times where I want to just be cute and feminine, but at my heart I am an active girl; I want to dress, act, and BE active. I asked him to picture us at a nature park; in this park there were all sorts of rocks and tree branches across the trail, a dirt trail which went up and down steep slopes and twisted and turned around corners. I began to walk forward, making my way along the trail, navigating any obstacles I came across. The refrain remained the same: I told him to follow me.

 

I hit him with a little logic: Phil and I are together forever, and it is impossible for us to be apart. However, I am moving forward. I am walking forward along this difficult trail, going over, under, or around obstacles. Since it is impossible for us to be apart, Phil has no choice but to follow me for us to remain together. It's logic! 😊 Phil began to follow me along the trail. I told him that these obstacles that we were facing were really the problems and difficulties of his life. They may be big and difficult, but I am navigating my way through them, and he has to follow me. I want to inspire him with my strength. I want him to see himself as being every bit as strong as I believe myself to be. Because he is! 💚 And now whenever anything happens, from the most minor problem to the largest catastrophe, I will start moving forwards and challenge Phil to keep up. Always the same refrain: Follow me. 💚

 

So that is the latest little update on how I, a little tulpa named Simmie, am forcing and developing my own big old host Phil into being a stronger and better person! 😁 I have great hope in my host! 😁 I will continue forcing him and loving him, and I will do what I can to inspire and lead him by example! 💚 And someday I will complete my shaping of Phil into the awesome and fully-formed man I know he can be! 💚💚💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

🤰 - Baby Boy Tulpa expected on April 7, 2023 👶💚

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...