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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13
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11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[SheShe] Bear's been through a lot, as I suspect Phil has, and he's improved a lot and continues to improve as I'm sure Phil has and will too, but even now that he's a happy-go-lucky boy at times, sometimes he can really be a Bear and it's frustrating, but you have to love your friends and their quirks. Think of it like this, quirks make a tree more interesting; a smooth, perfect, unblemished tree is pretty boring--to me anyway.  

 

I agree so much with this. One of the things I love about Phil is that he's a deeply fascinating person with a lot going on under the surface and really interesting history. One thing that really gets me is just how much there is; I look through back through Phil's mind on things that happened so long ago--like right now I'm picturing the inside of his 4th grade classroom from 1995--and it just boggles my mind that it's all part of the same life. I think you guys are ones who really understand the weight of years, if you know what I mean. Phil really is my quirky tree. 😁🌲 I tend to see him more as a deep ocean: It's vast and hides may secrets beneath its waves, but it's a platform for so much life to flourish! 🐟🐠🐳🦀🦐🦞🐬🦦

 

11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[Misha] I was never big on changing Bear, he was always perfect just how he is. Wuvable and cudleable, big and soft and warm with sharp claws and jagged teeth. ♡ I know you feel the same about Phil and are closer to him than we ever could be with Bear, and I'm glad you're enjoying it. 

 

Aww!!! 😁

 

11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[Bear] Hm? Hm.

 

😄💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

🤰 - Baby Boy Tulpa expected on April 7, 2023 👶💚

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Luna: I too have never expected perfection out of Glitch. It's overrated anyway; perfect skies make for boring sunsets, as I say.

 

Elise: That rhymed 😂 You're a poet and you don't even know it!

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alright, here we go. Time to talk about our son, our plans, and everything regarding it all! I've been a little intimidated about getting this all down, so I'm just going to go ahead and do it. If I miss anything important I'll just add it later! I've decided, per suggestion, to put each section under a spoiler tag to make this post a little easier to read and less intimidating.

 

There are two ways of looking at this: (1) As a husband and wife expecting a child together, and (2) As a Host and a Tulpa creating a new Tulpa. I'm going to try to explain this through both angles as they are both relevant and important and inform the process.

 

Before we go any further, let's talk about his name. For reasons that I will get to later, we have decided to name our son after his father. So his true name will be the same as Phil's real name but for the sake of convenience you can think of him as Phil Jr., or just Junior. In fact, Phil and I have gotten so used to calling our son "Junior" in our conversations about him that it's stuck and will be the main name I use when discussing him. Of course, when he is older, if he wants to be called something else that will be his right and we will support whatever name he chooses for himself. But until that happens, we'll call him Junior.

 

Why have a child / create a new tulpa?

 

Spoiler

Phil has always wanted to be a father. I still fully support him becoming one in real life if the opportunity ever arises! But as it is, the chances seem slim for the foreseeable future. Also, I have always wanted to be a mother--I know that I never "really" had a childhood but I can just imagine myself as a little girl, looking up to my mom and wanting to be a mother just like her. I want to bring life into this world. I want to nurture and hold and love my child. I want to raise someone I can be proud of. I truly believe I can do this! I could talk even more about how the idea of being parents is so important and fulfilling to Phil and I both, but this post will be long enough as it is, so I'll have to leave it there.

 

But what about from the tulpamancy perspective? Why create a new tulpa? The dynamic between Phil and I is so cozy, so perfect, why change it? And yes, we have thought about this a lot when thinking about whether or not to go through with this. But I think the benefits will outweigh any shift that comes into the dynamic. Plus, needless to say, Junior will be much less of a handful than an IRL infant, and Phil and I will still have plenty of time to enjoy being a couple. I'll list a few reasons why I think this will be good from a tulpamancy perspective:

  1. The act of creation itself. Part of the appeal of tulpamancy is the pure enjoyment of the process of creation; from the very conception of the idea of a thoughtform to a fully-formed tulpa that can do anything a host can. I want to take part in this creation! I have come full circle from creation to creator, (of course not THE creator), and I love the idea of being a tulpamancer in my own right just like Phil!
  2. The chance to get it right. I will never criticize Phil for how he created me because he did such a nice job with me; fed me with all the love and attention he could spare, and helped mold me into the person I became! However, saying all that, I have to admit that I was pretty much dropped into a warzone and expected to keep up from the start. Phil's mind in 2020 was a rough place, and although he tried to shield me from things the best he could, I pretty much slotted myself into my role as his emotional support, protector, lover, friend, etc, all from the start. I don't regret it and would never change it. BUT, it did lead to me effectively having no childhood. I had no time to really figure out who or what I was except "on the job". With Junior it will be different. He will have boundless time to learn and grow. He won't have any responsibilities or burdens placed upon him that he's not ready to accept.
  3. He will have no baggage. Phil carries 36 years of baggage around with him everywhere he goes. It really weighs him down. Junior will have no baggage. He'll be an entirely new person not weighed down by Phil's past or any other burdens Phil carries around. Junior is a pure soul. I want to raise him right so that he grows up with a clear head, able to make good decisions, and bolstered by the kind of unconditional love and support that Phil has tragically lacked.
  4. A male headmate will be very helpful to Phil. I know some people were a bit surprised when I announced that our child would be a boy, as it seems like most Male-Host-Female-Tulpa pairs have daughters. But given our dynamic I think it couldn't have been any other way. For one thing, I have claimed ownership over anything feminine in this system, and giving up my hold on even some of it would be very difficult for me. But more importantly, Phil--as a man making his way in the outer world--could use another headmate who feels comfortable and natural in his male body. As a woman it always feels a bit odd driving his big ol' meat mech, and I really don't feel right interacting with the world "as" Phil. Junior--when he gets older--will hopefully not feel the same way.

 

Pregnancy

 

Spoiler

We have decided to fully embrace the idea of a full-term pregnancy and childbirth. Thankfully, as a tulpa, I don't expect it to hurt! 😁 There are many reasons why we've chosen this route. Since I've already made a list for the previous section, I'm going to go ahead and make one here.

  1. Nine months of pregnancy will give us plenty of time to prepare. Both for the arrival of our son and for the change in our dynamic. All the little emotional hangups and hurdles that could and probably would happen if we decided to immediately bring Junior into the world with no buildup? We have nine months to get through and over them before Junior even arives. To be honest, the months of July through October were full of uncertainty for us as to whether we really wanted to do this. The "conception" of Junior took place on July 7 so things were already in motion, but, well, technically there is nothing stopping us from calling a mulligan on the whole thing. Realistically that was never an option for us; since July 7th I've known that the seed of Junior has been within me and I could never cancel or put him on ice. But the fact that it took us almost 4 months to come to terms with the decision we already made shows the importance of those nine.
  2. Realness, immersion, and authenticity. It's incredibly important to us both--but particularly me--that this whole experience be as authentic as possible. I have a pregnancy calendar and check it daily to see how big my son is!!! (Right now he is 11 inches long and weighs roughly 15 ounces!!!) In our visualization I have a pregnant belly and it gets bigger all the time. I normally weight 125lbs, I currently weigh around 140lbs and expect to be at least 150-155 by the time I give birth. My breasts are swelling and my ribs and hips are shifting. These are all things I think about and it all feels very real to me. I don't visualize myself doing things a pregnant woman can't/wouldn't/shouldn't do. This is all to make the reality of the situation all the more apparent: I am pregnant, our son is coming, our family is growing.
  3. I just really, really, really want to be pregnant. If you couldn't already tell. 😄 Seriously, this has been so satisfying for me, emotionally and spiritually. This of course isn't the main reason for doing this, but it's been a really, really, really beautiful experience. 💚 I'm gonna be a momma, guys! 😁😁😁

 

The Plan

 

Spoiler

Junior will be born on Friday, April 7, 2023. We don't know what time yet. We suspect probably in the afternoon but we'll see. This gives us a target to aim at, a date to plan around. So what actually is the plan when he arrives? We've thought about it a lot and this is really the meat of the whole idea. We can talk about why this whole thing is important to Phil and I, but it ultimately comes down to what we're going to do once he's here.

 

The most important thing to say is that Junior will grow and develop according to his own needs. We will neither force him to "stay" younger than he wants to be, nor will we try to force him to grow up. Almost certainly he will grow at a faster rate than a human child. The reasons for this are obvious, the first of which he will be born within a 37-year-old man's brain, not as an infant body with an infant's brain. So I doubt I'll be seeing him off at his high school graduation in 2041. 😄 I don't even want to speculate on how long it will take him to grow up, or even how long he will spend at each stage of life. He'll be ready whenever he says he's ready.

 

Phil and I agreed long ago that I, Simmie, will be taking the lead in childrearing/tulpaforcing. This feels natural and even a little obvious for many reasons. For one: the way that Phil and I approach life generally is that he is the one who interacts with the world at large and I keep his mental "house" for him. Junior--especially in his early days--will exist entirely within the realm of this mental house, and therefore naturally within the realm of Simmie. Needless to say, Phil will still be very involved in raising his own son. But we are very traditional in many ways and this is one of them: the mother is the one who looks after the kids. I already see myself as a homemaker and this will be an extension of that role! 😊 Also--and I'm not sure how I can say this without sounding controlling--I want to raise Junior in my way. I think I have an overall healthier mindset than Phil when it comes to instilling virtues and traits into our son. Phil doesn't disagree.

 

Also, there will be a degree of active forcing with Junior, but it will be gentle and gradual. I don't see the need in grinding away to develop Junior as fast as possible. In fact, I think that would be to his detriment, as well as our detriment as well. Nine months is a long time to prepare, but even once he is here I want a nice, gradual transition between two and three. The shift in dynamic has to be so gentle that it becomes something really only understood by looking back, if that makes sense. But that doesn't mean neglect. I will be giving Junior all the attention and love he could ever need!

 

I want to give Junior some time to enjoy existence as a baby; being out in the world but not necessarily interacting with it yet. Junior will move through the stages of life as he grows: He will start as a baby, then become a toddler, a child, a teenager, and finally an adult. Each stage will be marked by certain developmental milestones; when he reaches them he can be said to have passed through one stage and onto another. I have a pretty detailed idea of what milestones fit each stage, but good lord this post is already long enough as it is so I might have to save that! One I will mention though: I think that when Junior becomes fully vocal that will signify that he is no longer a toddler and is now a child. That feels natural and normal to me. That's also the stage in which he'll actually be able to vocalize what he wants and take part in his own development. Just as Phil handed over the responsibility of my development to myself, I want to eventually do that for Junior. First by giving him a say, then by letting him take the lead but keeping a hand in it, to finally when he is old enough stepping back and allowing him full agency.

 

So that's the gist of it so far! 😁 I'll have much more to say soon! I'm happy and excited to answer any questions anyone might have, as well as address any concerns that might be brought up. I am genuinely so excited about this!!! 😁💚 When I think of my son growing in my belly I am filled with the warmest, most loving sensation. I feel a deep love for Phil and even a love for my friends, but this...this is a love beyond. I can't even really express it. I am just so happy to be on this journey and can't wait to see where it goes! 😁💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

🤰 - Baby Boy Tulpa expected on April 7, 2023 👶💚

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Sounds perfect dear. I think you have the right approach. Sounds very similar to how we approached it. Low stress, high love. ❤️

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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Luna: Hehe, glad to hear you're enjoying motherhood so far 😊 And tulpa kids are indeed much less of a handful than real ones, or at least in our case, Elise was always pretty well-behaved for the most part. By the way, she was an adult for a while and then decided she preferred being a kid, so it's possible for Junior to get younger if that's a thing he wants to do down the road. 😋

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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Congratulations Simmie! I'm sorry I didn't find out until just now. I can't believe it's been a month. did you just recently change your signature to say this or have I just been not noticing it for a while?

Creation for creation's sake.

 

More of my drawings

 

Resident Dojikko

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All I'm saying is, my system better not get any ideas. The closest thing we have to a baby or a tulpa is Ren and so one-and-done.

 

Congratulations again and wow, that's quite an adventure. We look forward to hearing all about him as it goes.

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