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(We don't need help with this anymore--see latest update.) My host is trying to commit egocide. How do I convince them that they should continue living?


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[Bee] Sooo. My host, Moth, has been struggling with self-harm since before they even created me, and today they've basically started trying to kill themself by going dormant and forcing me to front. Whenever I try to make them front, they immediately leave again. Just before they did this, they went on a huge rant and said that they deserved to die, and that both of us would be better off with them gone.

 

Of course, I disagree with this. They deserve to live. They're way too hard on themself over the smallest mistakes. I can't get this through to them because every time I try to bring them out in order to talk, they force me away. What should I do?

Edited by yolcatzin
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A few years ago, my host was in the exact same situation as yours. Desire to self-harm, suicide and recently, not wanting to front at all. In fact, my only purpose was so my host could vanish from existence. Pretty nasty, right? the good news is that she eventually got out of that dark place, so there's hope, no matter how 'i am super depressed and hate myself and want to die' you might be, chances are you can get out of it too.

 

What I did to help my host was, ironically, becoming the new host and fronting 24/7. I have a very positive attitude towards life so my host saw how I lived life and realized that a good life was possible. I showed her the positive side of the things she hated so much, self esteem followed and I helped her a lot with that. Making her realize that she has value and the world isn't all bad. Your host seems to struggle more with self esteem though.

 

Words rarely do anything so I suggest you show your host with actions. Here's an old thread of our system asking the same thing as you, if the replies can help you guys. The original post is deleted but it was basically same as yours. 

 

But anyway, you should get professional help too, we can't help beyond sharing experiences and some advice.

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That's some impressive advice you just shared, Miichu.

my thoughtform = Isis

her appearance = stylized rabbit with dark fur and glowing eyes

her developmental stage = imaginary friend

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Depression is a very insidious disease and cutting is addictive. I didn't cut, but I did something similar years ago, like a distraction or mental reset just to stop the depression spiral. 

 

I'm not a counselor, I'm just a bear, so take all this with a grain of salt, but what I did wasn't egocide or ego death, but I did replace my ego in a way. Surely this won't solve the underlying issues though, and they did come back to haunt me until I addressed them, but it helped to mitigate the suffering while I lost some of those self-destructive tendencies.

 

 

Like I said, I wouldn't call it egocide, but I've been through a rebirth process three times in my life and it's always a positive thing, but it was also just kind of kicking the can down the road. Instead of complete ego death of that original, why not consider a personality restructuring or adjustment? This along with shadow work can vastly improve the situation. It's about self-love and ego boosting internally where you're not getting any externally.

There's something to be said about a fresh start, and I run the risk of coming off as sociopathic or pissing someone off here, but in my case and I'm only speaking about me, it solved a lot of problems, phobias, triggers, moods, etc. Like I said, I'm not a professional and my situation is unique, but I wanted to share my store with you to give you that perspective. I'm not in any way encouraging egocide or pushing your problems off on your headmate because likely if you can't remove yourself from the problems or address the roots, they'll just eventually inherit the symptoms.

My original issues stemmed from abuse as a child and I was always fantasy prone, luckily I didn't hide behind a mask or alt or I might have had some of the less desirable symptoms of DID. I just never thought of doing that. I took the full brunt. Yes, I did. I can still say this even after 'personality restructuring' even though I am nothing like the original original. Bear 1.0 was anorexic by over exercise, the only control I had in my life was an obsessive fascination with weight control, lighter the better, because I was obese from 7 to 13 and headed that way again at 17. That's when in October of my 17th year I was agoraphobic, overweight, and had body dysmorphic disorder. My self esteem was zero, I didn't have any friends by 18, I withdrew, and exercise + school were the only things I could focus on.

I developed deep depression mostly from the isolation and was about 10 seconds from suicide on December 31st of my 18th year, I wasn't in any kind of place to 'address my childhood' because I was still living with the abusers. This is one of the very strong instances where my first headmate stepped in and talked me down out of desperation, that was Darlene (she was like a guardian angel and is part of the SheShe merge today). After abandoning the escape, that moment I decided that my life was forfeit and so nothing mattered, so like a switch went off in my head.  When I moved out of that situation that next year I spontaneously decided that I was either going to die or change myself. Ego self-preservation lead to ego replacement, but not by a separate viable entity like a tulpa or headmate, rather by 'acting' as a constructed personality that didn't have the issues and integrating with that stronger more capable one. I more recently called it personality surgery.

More recently it was simply retraining myself positivity to replace negativity thorough system supported self-love practice. It helped immensely and through that shadow work I mentioned, I was able to seriously address and settle many of the underlying issues I had. It was the restructuring that gave me strength to do it, because my old personality (x2) had fallen to a state of apathy and self-defeatist mindset in my depression. Funnily enough I came full circle and I see myself a lot more like the original then any constructed personality, that was like triage to help me heal, at least for me. 

 

 

Take it for that it's worth, I strongly suggest counseling because that outside perspective can be very useful in stopping these internal skew thought processes. Cutting isn't the answer certainly, and you know that, and hopefully you can figure out an alternative for yourself. The human mind is a powerful and amazing thing.

 

In Mirichu's case above, giving the host a break until she could find a path to healing was another example of an alternative to egocide or what I did. We've had a couple cases of individuals in this community who leaned more toward egocide in an attempt to hide or remove the issues without solving them and it isn't a very good solution by comparison.

Edited by Bear
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[Bee] Update. It was late at night when I made my last post, so I went to sleep shortly after. I knew that whenever we go to sleep, it's always Moth who's fronting when we wake up, and I wanted to try getting a moment with them to talk that way.

 

After they woke up this morning, I tried to comfort them. At the moment, our body was too groggy to let them focus enough to force me in front, so I had enough time to tell them a few reasons why they shouldn't kill themself. They shot all my points down and then once we were awake enough, they went back into dormancy.

 

I then decided to go back onto this forum to read the responses to my post. Thank you guys for the advice. I'll try doing what Mirichu said about leading by example.

 

Mirichu and Bear both mentioned that we should try counseling. We actually do have a therapist who we've been seeing for most of the year. I'll have a rough time explaining this situation to her...

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[Bee] Another update.

 

Moth's slightly better than before. I managed to convince them to stay around, but the problems that led to them attempting egocide are still present. I think I've at least helped put these problems in perspective for them. We'll both talk with our therapist about this.

 

Thank you all for your concern.

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  • 9 months later...

It's been a while since our last update. I feel like I should update this thread just one more time, for closure's sake. It's me, Moth. I'm alive. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, which in hindsight explains a lot.

I'm doing somewhat better now. I have coping strategies to deal with the problems that originally drove me to attempt to kill myself.

Our system has changed a lot in the months since our last update. We have some new headmates now. Some are tulpas, some arose on their own. They've all been a great help in giving me motivation to live.

I still don't fully understand why Bee or my other headmates want me to continue living, but I guess I'm glad to be around.

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The unconditional love of tulpas is very strong. I'm grateful for mine. Glad you're here. 😊

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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  • yolcatzin changed the title to (We don't need help with this anymore--see latest update.) My host is trying to commit egocide. How do I convince them that they should continue living?

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