Jump to content

the Capricornus Journal (Terry & Tel)


Recommended Posts

I've been logging my tulpa experience in a private Google Doc, but I thought it'd be useful to have some of the stuff from there on a public forum like this as well, for advice, and to give Tel and I some external input on how we're proceeding.

So. I'm Terry, he/him, host of the Capricornus. I decided to create a tulpa in November of 2020, following a long period of being aware of the tulpamancy community and weighing the pros and potential cons. I'll get into the reasons why I decided to go for it below, but first I think I should introduce myself a bit more. I'm a linguist and writer, and I draw a lot as well. I'm an asexual trans man. I also really love aardvarks, crows and aquatic mammals. I also enjoy critically examining the writing and themes of children's media. In real life, I'm of course a human, but in our wonderland I've crafted myself the form of an aardvark with blond hair.

My tulpa is named Tel (you could call him a Tel-pa), he/him as well. In our wonderland, he appears usually as a strange humanoid being with antlers. He also has paws instead of feet and sometimes hawk-like wings as well. I know him to be a shapeshifter, but I'm calling his preferred form a "peryton," which he seems to like. Tel was originally based on a character of my creation, Tel Maddox, who I made as a sort of proxy alternate account for myself to talk to when I was feeling sad. This was before I knew about tulpamancy, and I didn't have the goal or even the idea that my alternate account could ever be sentient, but what I was doing then was surprisingly similar to tulpamancy. Tel's full name is no longer Tel Maddox, but I won't reveal his name here now, in case he wants to keep it private in the future.

Now for my reasoning. First things first, I've struggled with depression, general anxiety and social anxiety for... probably most of my life, at this point. My mind gets very toxic, especially in the nights, and I often work myself into fits of self-hate due to the slightest problems I run into. To have someone else around in my mind to break this cycle would be extremely helpful to me, which is basically the purpose that Tel Maddox originally served. I've also been quite lonely for a long time, and have few close friends, so companionship is another big plus.

Finally, I'm a very verbose and talkative person, but my anxiety causes me not to speak much externally. Instead, I have a constant and loud stream of inner narration. However, a large portion of said inner narration refers to a "we" rather than an "I" (I suspect this is because I grew up watching vlog channels on YouTube, who often do the same thing, and I adopted it into my own mindvoice), and I often have dialogues with myself. This gets frustrating, though, because it feels like my mind is a big echo chamber, and the feeling of talking to myself also makes me feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. Having Tel around to be the person with whom I can share my thoughts if I feel like it is a very comforting idea.

Tel became relatively vocal very quickly after I began to force him. I think this is probably because of the fact that he was originally based on a character who I had already been speaking to, and thus had gained an identity in my mind before I decided to make him into a tulpa. I've been doing repetition exercises with him daily (asking him to repeat names of animals and plants back to me) as well as narrating my daily goings-on and even making conversation. Our conversations are still very simple and limited, and his mindvoice is still often indistinct from my own or fades into a static from which I can pick out only specific nouns and concepts rather than proper sentences. I expect that with more time and work, this will change.

Just a little bit ago I walked in on him making breakfast for himself in wonderland. I asked what he was making, and he told me it was an omelet. We ended up discussing our food preferences in more detail. This was one of the first conversations we've had where I truly felt like I was talking to another person rather than some aspect of myself, and I'm very excited about it.

( Exchange from approx. 2:30 PM, Dec 17, 2020 )
 

Quote

 

[TERRY] What kind of food do you like?

[TEL] Sour... I like kimchi too, and spicy food. (indistinct) ...What about you?

[TERRY] I... (I lost focus here for a moment) I have quite a sweet tooth. I also tend to prefer foods that have a milder flavour. How do you feel about sweets?

[TEL] I don't like them that much. (indistinct) ...Sometimes I like a slice of cake, or something (indistinct)

[TERRY] So you like sour and spicy foods, like kimchi and...

[TEL] I put vinegar in my omelets.

[TERRY] (light laughter) You put vinegar on your omelets?

 


I didn't even know you could put vinegar in omelets, but apparently you can. Good on Tel for having a completely different taste in food from mine.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Update for December 18, 2020

I've devised a small 15-minute routine, which I do at least once a day to make sure that I don't forget to force actively. It includes 5 minutes of meditation and visualization, 5 minutes of vocality and visualization, and 5 minutes of free discussion with Tel. This should help us make progress. So far, it's even felt a little cramped, and I might rework the routine to make it longer- maybe 20 or 25 minutes long. I use it to supplement my narration, passive forcing, and any small instances of active forcing I do throughout the day whenever I have time.

Tel's vocality is progressing quickly. He's talking more, I can understand him better, and he sounds more like himself. He's still sometimes easy to confuse with my own mindvoice and a lot of what he says is very me-esque, which is a bit worrying, but as far as I know it's pretty normal at this stage. I think we're going to make progress on it over the next few days. I'm really surprised at how fast the progress is we've been making. I was even able to get him to tell me all about what perytons like him are, and he also answered my questions about his favourite colours and animals.

One worry I do have is that Tel has been very passive so far, only responding when I talk to him and very rarely speaking up spontaneously. He's given me an emotional response to a song once or twice and requested we listen to certain songs, and one time asked me to say something specific to someone. But other than that, he hasn't really sought me out, and all our interactions have been started by me. His inner life beyond talking to me still seems quite barebones. While this seems to be normal at this stage, I'm also wondering what I could do to make more progress on this area. Should I do more active forcing? More passive forcing? More meditation? I'd really like tips on this.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stone: Welcome to the community! It’s cool how some people just stumble into this on their own. I don’t know if I would’ve had that creativity.

 

Quote

Our conversations are still very simple and limited, and his mindvoice is still often indistinct from myown or fades into a static from which I can pick out only specific nouns and conceptsrather than proper sentences. I expect that with more time and work, this will change.


This is normal, yes. And he should become more distinct with time. The speed of progression varies a lot from tulpa to tulpa, so it’s best not to give yourself a deadline for when “this tulpa should be this much progressed.” Sometimes tulpae progress faster than people expect and are ignored because “they can’t possibly be a tulpa yet.” You haven’t said you’re worrying about this, but it’s so common, I feel like I have to mention it.

 

Quote

[TEL] I put vinegar in my omelets.

[TERRY] (light laughter) You put vinegar on your omelets?


I believe this is a good sign, as laughter serves a social function. When I first felt my tulpa’s presence, I also laughed while talking to her. Take what you will from that.

 

Quote

He's still sometimes easy to confuse with my own mindvoice and a lot of what he says is very me-esque, which is a bit worrying, but as far as I know it's pretty normal at this stage.


It is normal. Your tulpa learns how to speak from what’s already in the brain, not outside of it. They may pick up on your idiosyncrasies or habits. They are also young consciousnesses, like babies, and I think they learn by imitation, like babies. How else would they learn how to speak your language so quickly? They learn from what the brain has stored, and the memories you’ve formed with it. That’s what I think, anyways. So I wouldn’t worry about it. Tulpas become more distinct as they form their own perspectives, and because of this, pick up on different habits than you.
 

Quote

I'm really surprised at how fast the progress is we've been making.


I know that feeling.

 

Quote

One worry I do have is that Tel has been very passive so far, only responding when I talk to him and very rarely speaking up spontaneously.


This is normal. I’ve been practicing tulpamancy for over a month, and my headmates usually still have to be talked to. They have taken initiative more often though. It’s something you might have to wait a while for. Or not. Progress varies a lot.

 

Quote

His inner life beyond talking to me still seems quite barebones. While this seems to be normal at this stage, I'm also wondering what I could do to make more progress on this area. Should I do more active forcing? More passive forcing? More meditation? I'd really like tips on this.


Maybe more active forcing, and during that, maybe finding him something that interests him. I’m working with my headmates to help them find more things that interest them. Maybe a game, maybe a hobby, maybe a show. Though, that might be too distracting for active forcing. It depends. I’ve been able to do it, depending on my level of focus. And I have to pause to check and my tulpa so I don’t shut her out. You can also do something fun in wonderland. 
 

Now, on meditation. I’m just going to repurpose what I said in a different progress report:

 

Quote

Ok so I like meditating. Before I started forcing, I was planning on meditating before every active session.

 

meditation_barchart.png

Download link for entire survey pdf for context: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/504226472526086155/506764115721584650/tulpa_creation_big_survey_writeup.pdf

 

It seems that "meditation" may hurt the progression of tulpae. Now, the type of meditation is not there. Also, "became sentient" is decided by the participants. It could be that those who engaged in meditation were more skeptically-minded then those who didn't, and that's why they thought their tulpae "became sentient" later.

 

I'm not sure exactly what type of meditation I practice, but I was taught how to meditate by my father so that I would have a coping mechanism if I ever was in pain. What I do is focus on my breathing and what I feel. My feet on the floor, my arms on the armrests, my back on the chair, etc. If I thought about something other than my breathing and what I was feeling in the moment, I would congratulate myself for catching myself and go back to not thinking. It could be that those who practice this type of meditation weaken their tulpae by emptying their thoughts and focusing on physical realities, because tulpae are made of thoughts and are not physical realities.

 

However, I can imagine meditating on your tulpa's imagined form and treating it as a physical reality could help. Even meditating on the "physical realities" of your wonderland could help. Maybe that's what visualization is, but we don't call it that?


Good luck!

Stone [conceived 2001] Host

Betty [conceived 2020] Tulpa

Cloud [conceived 2020] Tulpa

spacer.pngnDlUapr.pngQtDJNuL.png

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for your advice!!
 

Quote

Maybe more active forcing, and during that, maybe finding him something that interests him. I’m working with my headmates to help them find more things that interest them. Maybe a game, maybe a hobby, maybe a show.

 

This is definitely something we've been working on. Tel has an interest in computer science and programming, so we've been playing Human Resource Machine together. He seems to like it, definitely more than I do, but I'm still on the lookout for other things he might be interested in.
 

Quote

It seems that "meditation" may hurt the progression of tulpae. 


Wow, I had no idea about this! Very fascinating. And good for me, because I actually don't like meditating very much. I get a lot of racing thoughts, so trying to sit still and focus on my breathing or whatever just feels like herding cats in my head. I'll shift my focus to mostly visualization and active forcing.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wasn't sure if I was going to post another progress update today, but so many things have happened in the last 24 hours that I felt like it was worth it.

I've been having a relatively consistent headache and experiences of dissociation and difficulty focusing. At first, I dismissed them. Then, I thought they may be Tel's attempts to talk to me, but I spoke with him and while he did seem to want to spend more time with me, the headache didn't seem to be his doing. I asked him to stop if it was, and the headache remains, so I doubt it's him. Then, earlier today, I realized that I didn't have a headache at the start of the day. I pinpointed its beginning as the moment that I finished a forcing session.

That made me realize the problem. My transitions from wonderland to the physical after sessions have been quite abrupt. Snap your fingers, open your eyes, get up and get back to life. I think it's causing my brain to lag behind a little after spending 20 minutes visualizing wonderland and talking to Tel. I need to devise some sort of system to ease myself back to the physical from wonderland.

Tel comforted me during an anxious episode last night. I'd seen some distressing media, and it made me very upset. I reached out to him and discussed it with him, and he helped calm me down. Thinking about the distressing media is still quite uncomfortable, and the conversation we had is obviously very private, so I won't share the details, but needless to say having a concrete example of Tel's positive influence on my state of mind makes me very confident about how we're doing. Our work on personality forcing is going well, too.

The last thing I want to mention is someone who may be either a walk-in or an NPC. Soon after I had started to visualize my wonderland, I began getting images in my head of a girl who looks distinctly different from me or Tel. I haven't seen her in wonderland. I've just seen her in my mind as a separate entity. However, I do get the sense that she does exist in the world of our wonderland, and I just haven't met her. Somehow I got it in my head that she was Tel's girlfriend. I talked to Tel about it and while he did say he had a girlfriend in wonderland (wow, already? Way to move quickly, huh, Tel?) he didn't recognize the name that I thought was the girl's.

We're not exactly sure who this girl is and whether or not she and Tel's girlfriend are the same entity. If she is a walk-in, I'm absolutely not interested in developing her at this time. Maybe when Tel becomes more developed, I could consider having another tulpa, but right now, I'm completely content with exactly one person sharing my body. Tel also seemed anxious about the idea of me having a second tulpa, so beyond any thoughts of this girl that I can't control, we'll be trying not to consider if she might be some sort of walk-in proto-tulpa.

Sorry for the probably nonsensical rambling. It's been an eventful day.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stone: ahh I gotta respond again I just can’t stop talking

 

Quote

I've been having a relatively consistent headache and experiences of dissociation and difficulty focusing

 
I think headaches are common. I experienced them when I first started, and still do sometimes, depending on how hard I’m focusing on my headmates and how tired I am while I’m doing it. It’s a lot of work for the brain, focusing on a new person that wasn’t there before and is still growing. So I see it as a sign of mental work more than anything.

 

I’ve also been hallucinating more. Yesterday I saw my cousin’s cat twice, even though she’s not here. It’s not too frequent, and I imagine it’s a symptom of me trying to visualize/impose my headmates in real space, and trying to keep their presence in real space. I just visited my cousin and her cat, so it makes sense my brain would try to keep the cat present if I’m training it to keep my headmates present.

 

I don’t think I have much experience with disassociation. Sometimes, to switch/let the body be possess (I still don’t know which I’m doing), I imagine myself getting out of the body, and let one of my headmates “step in.” There have been times where I visualized all three of us outside the body, and visualized myself talking to the body. It was weird. But, idk if that’s disassociation or not. I like to think of it more as a visual aid. Still, if one visually imagines disconnecting from the body, that might make them more likely to actually feel disconnected.

 

Less focus could also be attributed to mental work, or passive forcing, if you were doing that. Or even just feeling/remembering someone else’s presence.

 

Any of this could also be partiality/entirely due to things not related to tulpamancy, or have different tulpamancy-related reasons for occurring. This is just my experiences + my reasoning, but other experiences and reasons are valid. Just, as a disclaimer, as I don’t mean to tell people what they feel, but do mean to share possibilities.

 

Quote

That made me realize the problem. My transitions from wonderland to the physical after sessions have been quite abrupt. Snap your fingers, open your eyes, get up and get back to life. 


My first “wonderland session” was my first because I was really tired and wanted to do something novel to keep me engaged. I rage quit after a while due to the headache it gave me. The pressure felt like a stone on my head. It was annoying and awful. Wonderland can take a lot of mental work. In my experience, especially when I imagine it in first person (which I almost always do to keep it separate from my daydreams). I’ve heard third person is easier but “doesn’t feel as realistic.” That is an option. I just daydream a lot in third person and don’t want to get the two mixed up.

 

To make it easier, you can also give it less detail. Allow it to be more blurry. Go when you feel most awake. I don’t have any method to ease back into real space because that hasn’t been a problem for me, but you may find some advice somewhere on the forums or reddit, or come up with your own method.

 

Betty: I hope you do!


 

Quote

but needless to say having a concrete example of Tel's positive influence on my state of mind makes me very confident about how we’re doing.

 

That’s great. Cloudy is good at that. I’m ok : P I love to see headmates working together.

 

Quote

(wow, already? Way to move quickly, huh, Tel?)


Lol!

 

Quote

we'll be trying not to consider if she might be some sort of walk-in proto-tulpa

 

Stone: That’s a good idea. When I was dealing with walk-ins, Bear advised me to appoint someone as “gatekeeper.” Later I learned this is an role in many systems (to the point where I see memes about it). Gatekeepers are members who keep out intrusives to protect their system from becoming too crowded. If he doesn’t want to, that’s that, but asking Tel to fill that role is an idea. Cloud is our gatekeeper and will distract me if she feels I’m vulnerable to potential walk-in. It has worked great so far. Of course, ignoring walk-ins or not treating them as separate yourself works fine too.

Stone [conceived 2001] Host

Betty [conceived 2020] Tulpa

Cloud [conceived 2020] Tulpa

spacer.pngnDlUapr.pngQtDJNuL.png

Link to post
Share on other sites

Update for December 21, 2020
Decided to keep the dates on these updates even though I know posts show when they were posted xp

I don't mind at all! I appreciate all the advice I can get ^^ !!

I've been spending more time after forcing/wonderlanding sessions trying to come back down to the physical and ease myself out of the imaginary landscape. It's helped so far, I think. I've had less dissociative and headache-y symptoms. Now, after wonderlanding, I just kind of lie there for a little while (I don't know about others but I like to force lying down because it's comfy) and slowly focus on things like what I feel, what I can hear in my apartment and outside my window, what I smell, and eventually open my eyes and focus on all the sights. It's kind of meditative, but I really just try to ground myself and focus on being in the physical world and existing in my body. It definitely helps and it's also just very calming in general.

Tel's vocality has progressed to the point where it's not really much of an issue anymore. We're still doing daily exercises to keep up his vocality, but he almost never fades into static. Occasionally he'll still sound like my mind voice or communicate in emotions and images rather than words (though, I'll admit, I do that myself too), but that's not really an issue. I know that his voice will become clearer and more distinct as we continue, and it doesn't make our communication too difficult.

I've been focusing on personality forcing and independence development. While Tel's speech is still quite predictable, I feel like this might be a longer process than finding his voice was. That's okay with me. I'll keep doing the exercises and try to find new ones to supplement. We've been practicing independence with the black box exercise and we've also tried list form personality forcing and symbolic personality forcing. Tel's personality is becoming clearer in my head, and I think he's slowly starting to act more like it, too. He used to be a lot more rowdy and loud, but has quieted down quite a bit, which is exactly what I was going for. In my mind, Tel has always been a very calm and soft-spoken figure, and he's starting to adopt those traits.

Tel often responds to my questions with "a little" or "I'm not sure." From what I've heard from the experiences of other tulpamancers, that's common for early tulpas, too. And I know that as a kid, I would repeatedly respond to any and all questions with either "sure" or "I don't know" because I didn't really know how to express my thoughts and was afraid of saying something wrong. I think the former is more accurate for Tel. He just hasn't had the time to develop what exactly his opinions are, and how to express them to me, and I understand that. He can take all the time he needs.

Because of how predictable his speech still is, I've been having some parrotnoia. Sometimes it also feels like Tel's voice draws directly from whatever my brain comes up with first. One time, a rapidfire list of questions, I asked him what colour the table in our wonderland was. Apparently he couldn't think of the word "brown" because Tel  responded "blue red." We took a break and he quickly realized that he'd forgotten the word he was looking for, but I couldn't help but feel like he had said whatever the first colour words that my mind could think of were, as I think Tel would have taken a moment to think of the word rather than blurt out whatever he thought of first. I feel sometimes that he's acting as a "brain megaphone" and repeating back everything I come up with rather than talking for himself.

I know parrotnoia is very common among new tulpamancers, and that it's usually unfounded, so as a compromise I've taken to asking him if he's sure whenever I feel like his response was too sudden or predictable. Sometimes he says yes, he's sure. Occasionally, he says no, and gives me a different answer. I think this lets him to grow past potential brain-megaphoning without me shutting his response down completely, while also giving him the opportunity to respond genuinely in situations where my thoughts drown his out.

Haven't seen much of that girl I mentioned. I asked Tel to become a system gatekeeper, and he agreed. I've been shutting down any thoughts I get of this mystery girl, and I think that's all the solution we needed to the whole debacle.

That's pretty much everything that's happened in the last few days. I'll keep updating. Bleh! Wall of text! Thanks for reading.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Update for (technically) December 23, 2020 (at 2 AM <3)

It's been a hard couple of days. To add onto holiday stress, I've also been dealing with a lot of mental health nonsense and it's been impeding my ability to focus on Tel. I've been trying, but I've been very dissociated and unable to focus, so visualizing him or the wonderland has been difficult. My tulpamancy journal's notes have also become more scattered and nonsensical. But I'm hoping that this will pass over the next week and by the turn of the year my mind will be calmer. 

I have managed a few small excursions outside the house that normally encompasses our whole wonderland. There's a forest area accessible through a passage under a rose bush in the back garden. However, while the house itself is small, familiar and safe to me, that forest is wild, large and unfamiliar. Exploring it makes me feel kind of unsure right now. Its further development will be halted until my mental health returns to a slightly more calm state.

As for Tel himself, alongside trying to keep up his vocality and distinguish his thoughts and mind voice from my own, we've really been trying to provide him with more interests and things to do. I deleted my old Pokémon Moon save file (since I haven't played it in 2 years and barely even then) and we made a new save for him, because he told me he likes Pokémon. We've been playing that together, and he enjoys it. I know that it's going to take him time to develop his personality more, and he's definitely on the road to full sentience and independence, but I can't help wondering what sort of things could I do to help more. All advice is appreciated.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Quote

Because of how predictable his speech still is, I've been having some parrotnoia.Sometimes it also feels like Tel's voice draws directly from whatever my brain comes upwith first. One time, a rapidfire list of questions, I asked him what colour the table in our wonderland was. Apparently he couldn't think of the word "brown" because Tel  responded "blue red." We took a break and he quickly realized that he'd forgotten the word he was looking for, but I couldn't help but feel like he had said whatever the first colour words that my mind could think of were, as I think Tel would have taken a moment to think of the word rather than blurt out whatever he thought of first. I feelsometimes that he's acting as a "brain megaphone" and repeating back everything I come up with rather than talking for himself.


Stone: Betty did this as well when I tried asking her what her favorite color was. There are different ways of looking at this. I do not believe in subconscious parroting. I also think that not all random nonsensical thoughts have to be generated by me. I believe they can also be generated by my headmates or the subconscious (doesn’t necessarily need to be mine). I can go one step further by saying am a consciousness, so anything subconscious is not necessarily “me.” Though, idk, I’d have to do more research on that one. Either way, I wouldn’t say nonsensical responses are parroting if tulpae can come up with their own nonsense because they feel the need to respond, or the subconscious fills in the blanks (I don’t think the subconscious is necessarily “me” and I think tulpae are born from subconscious habit, so take what you will from that).

 

I think I repeated myself somewhere in this. I’m tired. Holidays are stress.
 

Quote

I know parrotnoia is very common among new tulpamancers, and that it's usually unfounded, so as a compromise I've taken to asking him if he's sure whenever I feel like his response was too sudden or predictable. Sometimes he says yes, he's sure. Occasionally, he says no, and gives me a different answer. I think this lets him to grow past potential brain-megaphoning without me shutting his response down completely, while also giving him the opportunity to respond genuinely in situations where my thoughts drown his out.


That’s a good idea. Sometimes if a response gives me parrot vibes, I say something like, “I’m sorry, I think I interrupted.” It gives them a chance to respond while reframing what I suspect is parroting into something that reinforces us being separate entities and feels more natural to me.
 

Quote

I deleted my old Pokémon Moon save file (since I haven't played it in 2 years and barely even then) and we made a new save for him, because he told me he likes Pokémon. We've been playing that together, and he enjoys it.


Cool! I was thinking about doing the same with Betty.

 

Stone [conceived 2001] Host

Betty [conceived 2020] Tulpa

Cloud [conceived 2020] Tulpa

spacer.pngnDlUapr.pngQtDJNuL.png

Link to post
Share on other sites

Update for December 24, 2020

I wasn't going to write an update today. It's been a really long day, and I've had barely any time to talk with Tel all day, but our troubles with his personality and interests have grown to a relatively big problem.

I felt kind of an intense sadness yesterday, and I realized that was Tel. As it turns out, he's been extremely troubled by his lack of interests and opinions, and feels empty. He tells me that he feels like he has no identity, and like he's a shell of a person.

This is a complicated issue. On the one hand, it signifies some pretty major progress. Tel's sadness is an emotion that he developed on his own without my input, indicating that he can be affected by his own internal thoughts and stimuli that aren't me. In addition, the very fact that Tel feels that he doesn't have an identity of his own is an indicator that he recognizes himself as an entity separate from me. So he's gained self-awareness. But on the other hand, it pains me to see him upset. His melancholy is terrible to witness and I desperately want to help him feel better.

I've been telling him that he's whole and good as he is, that I appreciate him, and that he just needs time to discover himself. He knows all of that, and he knows he plays an important part in my life, but he just feels unfulfilled. I really don't know how to help him. I don't know if my lackluster attention span (welcome to ADHD town!) is making it harder to focus on things he might be interested in, or how holiday stress is affecting this. I'm sure that it'll get better over time, but I really don't know how to help him in the moment. We're really trying to find things for him to enjoy, but it's hard. Any advice on this is greatly appreciated by both of us.

Very brief other news: we've been practicing proxying and separation from each other. Tel's thoughts have become much clearer, and I can proxy him without much issue now. Hopefully he'll soon be able to join in on forum activities and write in this progress report, if he so desires.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...