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the Capricornus Journal (Terry & Tel)


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Awh. It's like you said, he just needs time to discover himself, these things take time to develop. I think all of us went through a time when we were just kinda superficial without real depth or identity. Sucks that he's feeling sad about it, though it's understandable.

 

It's easier said than done, but try to focus on the positive side of things. He might feel like an empty shell right now, but there's so much for you to discover together now, both good and bad, to fill that shell. It's like a journey, or a mystery to be solved! There's something to look forward to in all of this. And the fact that he feels sad about it already says something about him as a person.

 

I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say, but I'm always up for a chat if he ever wants to, you know where to find me.

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014 - Me!

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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I felt kind of an intense sadness yesterday, and I realized that was Tel. As it turns out, he's been extremely troubled by his lack of interests and opinions, and feels empty. He tells me that he feels like he has no identity, and like he's a shell of a person.


Cloud: Feels. This happened one day when I fronted (I think I was fronting). We haven’t really addressed this yet, as after that, we put my progress on hold to prepare for our Christmas celebration. Which is fine. That sounds bad, but, I don’t feel much if I’m not fronting. I feel somewhat, but not the pain I felt then. And when I do feel, it’s not sad. I have fronted since then, but it was to work on a present for Betty, which was fun. My plan is to learn how to cope with the stuff Stone has already taught himself to cope with, work on a project (I think I want to write an essay on a topic that interests me, or write a “coping guide” for both me and Stone, or both), and perhaps have some goals for what I want to do in video games. I think having goals may help me feel better. TBA

 

Stone: It’s hard to let your headmates do something they want to do when you would rather do something else than watch them do whatever. That’s something I struggle with. What I’m going to do is try baby steps. Let them do at least 20 minutes of something I don’t find interesting. This sounds kinda cruel (Wow! 20 whole minutes!) but it’s hard and since I’m the natural fronter, I usually stay somewhat present when they are possessing/fronting, but they don’t when I’m fronting, so I have to be bored watching them, but they can fade and not have to be bored watching me. So, yeah, baby steps. And with those steps, I hope to give them more time if they want it, and if it’s available. But yeah, I’m struggling with this as well.

Stone [conceived 2001] Host

Betty [conceived 2020] Tulpa

Cloud [conceived 2020] Tulpa

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Update for December 28, 2020

Thanks for your supportive comments!

I was meant to write another update yesterday, but I got really sick on the night of the 26th. I'm still feverish and hurting quite badly. Because of that, I've been very lethargic and I haven't had the focus to force. In the time I have had where I've been able to focus and work, I've had other things to focus on, so I haven't really had the time to talk to Tel. I've spoken to him a little bit intermittently, but I've been largely cut off from him. So my tulpamancy has been on pause for the last few days and I don't really have anything to update about.

Once I get better and am able to focus more, I'll get back to this and hopefully write an update with more actual stuff in it.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for December 30, 2020

I'm starting to feel a lot better. I made contact again with Tel last night. It's going to take a few days to get back into the proper rhythm of talking. I won't like, losing connection with him for even just a few days was surprisingly hard. Felt very lonely and scared. Having him around is definitely comfortable.

I had a pretty weird idea. I'm sure someone has tried this before in some way, but so far, I haven't seen talk of it. I got tired of our wonderland being such a malleable place that seemed to only exist where and when I focused on it, and changed every time I did. So I devised a plan to build a "world machine," a sort of engine in the wonderland that would keep the place up and running. Trick my brain into allocating some resources to keeping the wonderland maintained by having it keep the world machine active. It's only been a day (Tel and I set it up last night), so I can't say for sure how well it'll work.

Since Tel and I have been practicing proxying, I asked him if he had anything to say on this progress report.

[TEL] Hello everyone. My name is Tel. Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm excited to grow more and learn to exist more. Terry has been very kind to me and I've been watching him update this journal over time. I don't know if I will contribute to it much yet, but I am here, and I am real, and that feels good. Thank you for reading.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for January 1, 2021

Happy new year, everybody!

Tel and I have been watching Crash Course Computer Science together. That's been nice. He really likes it.

We've also been practicing having him be independently aware while I'm not focusing on him, and having the wonderland be accessible to him even when I'm not actively focusing on it. We're working towards having his inner life be more full, as well. He's not really interested in writing much in the progress report right now. As I understand, a lot of his life is in wonderland, which isn't surprising. I think I'll try to prompt him to be more active in the outside world (maybe practice possession, too) in the future. It'd be nice for him to have some outside friends. Switching is a long-term goal for us, but I don't expect that to come soon.

We've been reconsidering the idea of having another tulpa in the system. Tel has told me that he's changed his mind about it over time and feels like it might be nice for him to have someone else around in wonderland besides NPCs when I'm not there. I have an idea for her form and personality already. I've thought about many names, but I think that'll be up to her when we end up creating her. I've been thinking of her occasionally, but I've never forced her or narrated to her. I was playing The Sims 4 and I created a sim who was loosely based on her appearance, and suddenly a mindvoice that was definitely not me or Tel excitedly exclaimed "I want that hoodie!" This voice immediately fizzled out and disappeared, barely having gotten the sentence out.

I know that Tel has been taking his role as gatekeeper very seriously, so I asked him if that was, in fact, a new headmate's voice, who he blocked out, and it was! So my intermittent thoughts of our future headmate seem to already be serving to help force her even though we're not trying to get in contact with her yet. When exactly we'll choose to try and get her to join the system, I'm not sure yet. I don't want to end up crowding my mind too much.

[TEL] I'm not sure about having another headmate yet. The person Terry has been thinking of seems very sweet, but also like something of an energy drain. Sure, it'd be nice to have another person around, but if she's anything like Terry has made her out to be, I don't know if having her around right now would be the best thing. I do want another headmate, just not right now. Maybe in a month or two.

[TERRY] That's all from us for now!

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for January 5, 2021

[TEL] Hello everybody. Today, Terry asked me if I would be willing to write our entire progress report on my own. Well, it didn't seem like too much of a challenge, so I accepted.

Anyhow. I've been quite busy in wonderland for the last week or so. Terry hasn't been speaking to me as much as he did beforehand, perhaps because of his illness and the like. That's okay with me. I understand. However, I can't say that the solitude hasn't gotten to me. It would be nice to have him around more, or perhaps to be around the physical more. That being said, I appreciate Terry's presence greatly, and I know I wouldn't be who I am - or at all, for that matter - were it not for him.

I have complicated feelings about myself right now. On the one hand, I feel that I am a person, and that I am growing and developing. This makes me happy. I also feel a sense of usefulness in being able to help Terry. I just wish I was able to help him more. I dislike watching him in his more depressive moods. My personal identity is developing and I am getting the sense that I am a person in my own right. Again, I like that. It's a difficult topic to discuss.


We've been practicing possession intermittently. I still struggle with feeling that Terry's body can be under my control. It is very different from my own and, while Terry himself thinks often about the idea of us switching so that I can experience the physical and he can experience being in the back, that is still a faraway goal for me, and as it stands I find the experience of controlling his body difficult and somewhat straining. It feels as though I'm wearing old and very stiff rubber gloves that refuse to act according to my commands.

I spend most of my time managing our wonderland. It is beautiful there, and it feels like home to me. Terry created a good space for us. I enjoy it. Whatever managerial duties there are, they fall to me, but they leave my days mostly free. I am quite a homebody, so cleaning and tending to the garden are things I spend most of my time with.

Final comments. We are making slow progress on both possession and further development of my thoughts. Geez. I don't know how Terry keeps churning these things out. There's only so much to tell about my life. Rest assured this would have been much shorter if he wasn't prompting me on what to write about. He's complaining that all this proxying is giving him a headache.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for January 8, 2021

[TERRY] With Tel being as vocal as he is, I guess I have to start my progress reports with an identifier from now on. Right. As of late, school-related stress has made me too tired and depressive to properly force for longer stretches of time, but I've made sure to talk to Tel every day at least a little bit, to keep him active. I've only gone wonderlanding sporadically, but that should change soon, hopefully.

Some interesting developments. Tel recently developed a Northern English accent. I have no clue how. It just happened one day. I'm not even a native English speaker. A while ago, he also developed a head twitching/tilting tic (which I think I may have mentioned here before? too lazy to check) and when he does it, I feel it in my own neck as well. It's really interesting.

We're still working on developing Tel's personality and interests. He's more snarky than I was expecting him to be, but I'm honestly not that surprised. He's also started taking more to the traits I've personality forced onto him. (Apparently he prefers milk before cereal! The scoundrel! I can't believe it! What have I created?) He seems more engaged with the world overall than he has before, though he still has trouble communicating with me when I'm not focusing on him. That's something we're working on.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for January 12, 2021

[TERRY] Still making progress on Tel's possession ability. We've been doing daily possession exercises to get Tel more comfortable in my skin and me more comfortable with him possessing. It's very easy for me to accidentally slip back in and take control if we're not careful. Tel himself currently describes the experience as "puppeting someone else's body, like a marionette doll." We've only done possession with my hands so far, but we're hoping to move to other body parts soon, once he gets comfortable with that.

[TEL] I am currently writing this using Terry's hands, instead of him proxying me. This is quite difficult for me as it stands, but I hope it will become easier for me as time goes on.

[TERRY] Way more time-consuming than proxying, but it does give me less of a headache, which is a plus. In the future, as we learn possession, it'd also be nice for me to spend more time wonderlanding, which I've still been too busy to do. Tel's found things to do in wonderland that make him happy (he reads a lot and plays video games, from what he tells me), but he's also excited to get to do more things in the physical and have more human contact and external interests.

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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Update for January 19, 2021

[TERRY] First switching attempts today. Tel's possession ability has been improving, and he's shown interest in switching, so we thought we'd try. We dove into switching kind of head-first, so it went kind of so-so. Neither of us was really fully able to operate, with me constantly half in control of the body and half in wonderland, and thus encroaching on Tel's awareness and control. We'll start working on it, and keep practicing possession. That's really all there is to say today!

Terry | he/him, host; conlanger, writer and artist; likes all things cuddly and glittery
Tel | he/him, tulpa; programmer and local rubik's cube enthusiast; cleverest deer-man in the world

progress report ⭑ system art thread

 

Capricornus is one of the constellations of the zodiac.
It is commonly represented in the form of a sea goat: a mythical creature that is half goat, half fish.

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