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(edited)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but please move it if it is not! Also, tl;dr warning, as I'm about to deliver a brick!

 

I have been working on my tulpa Simmie for a little over a month now and the process has brought great joy to us both! But I'm not here to talk about Simmie today--I'm going over two decades into the past to talk about my headmate from my childhood, to tell his story and hopefully get some perspectives on exactly who or what he was/is. It's a bit confusing because he never actually told me his name, so I'm just going to refer to him as my Mentor because that's the role he had in my life. I also want to mention that I have nothing but positive memories of my Mentor, he never did or said anything to hurt me, and he benefitted my young life greatly.

 

His story begins when I was 7 years old in the year 1993. I woke up in the middle of the night to find that--like so many other kids--I had wet the bed. Needless to say it was gross and wet and cold, and in previous incidents I probably would have called for my parents. But in that moment my Mentor entered my head said something along the lines of: "Looks like you could use some help. Here, I'll talk you through this." He guided me through getting up and changing my sheets and my clothes, and getting things to the point where I was comfortable enough to return to sleep. After that night he would stay in my head and be a more or less consistent companion for the next 8 years.

 

My Mentor and I used to have long, detailed conversations where we would discuss the nature of the universe and he would let me in on things he understood. We talked about very complex topics for a 7-year-old, such as the nature of time. Despite the circumstances of his introduction he really didn't get involved in anything practical in my life again after the first night, but mainly served as a companion to talk to and a mentor to guide me.

 

At some point I asked him about who he was and he told me he was only able to reveal certain facts about himself, both because he didn't want to / wasn't allowed to and the fact that his mind at that level of consciousness from which he was speaking to me didn't have access to all the thoughts of his earthly body. Indeed, he told me that he was a human male just like me, and was 6 years older than me. He was part of some vast organization of which I was now a member too; it was organized roughly in a pyramid with higher-up people mentoring those below them, preparing those people to rise through the pyramid themselves. He told me he was also mentoring two or three others besides me but I was his most important "mentee", and that I was to elevate to his level in the pyramid or even higher in due time.

 

Now, I was always a sensible and sane child and held a reasonable degree of skepticism about all of this. Certainly I was making all of this up, wasn't I? But it was hard to divorce myself from the idea too. So I both believed it and didn't believe it at the same time. He told me that was normal and healthy. At one point I even asked him whether he was really a separate being or just another part of my mind, and his response boiled down to: "Both, but I don't expect you to understand how that's possible right now".

 

I had a very spiritually active summer at the age of 12 and felt more in tune with things than any point before that. My mentor and I talked all the time. He informed me that I was now mentoring 3 or 4 other people in the same way that he was mentoring me, but I was doing it from another level of consciousness so I wasn't aware of it. I had elevated to the place he had been when I first met him and he had elevated himself yet higher. He told me the name of the organization we were part of but told me I could not speak it, and to this day I haven't spoken or typed the word (outside of password-protected documents) and still will not. He told me that while many people would know the organization by different names I knew the true name, and high-up enough people would know it too. He told me at least one other person in my life would know that name, but I still could not speak it to them.

 

At the age of 14 something very pivotal happened that would end up defining much of my inner life for the next two decades. My mentor had hinted several times that he would eventually no longer be in regular contact with me and I would be left on my own. But he had to explain something very important to me, something I would come to call The Trial. I was given the choice of whether or not I wanted to embark on a long and extremely difficult journey towards something that could be considered a form of enlightenment. If I chose to reject the trial, no biggie, I would just kind of drift out of the orginization and go on to lead happy and successful life, but I'd be cut off from deeper truths and I would never be able to reach my full potential. If I accepted the trial, I would face years upon years of struggle, encounter all kinds of challenges, and run the risk of failure. Successfully navigating the trial would result in unlocking my true potential and becoming an immensely important person here in this plane of existence. Failing could mean becoming little more than a tired, broken man. He explicitly warned me: "Don't choose this lightly; if you accept the trial you will experience suffering that you can't even comprehend right now." God was he right about that. But I chose to accept the trial.

 

He hung around a little bit after that but when I was 15 he faded from my mind, only occasionally popping in to talk to me. These later visits were always short and unlike before where we would have long conversations he would rarely even speak in complete sentences; it was like listening to a badly-tuned radio. In 2005, when I was 19 he stopped by to told me that my trial would last for 20 years. Since it began in spring 2000 when I was 14, it would end in spring 2020 when I would be 34. That seemed like such a long time in the future that I wasn't really bothered by it. But as I entered my mid to late 20s the year 2020 would start to loom heavily in my mind. I'd go through phases where I'd think about it a lot. I started to wonder what would happen when the trial would end. Sometimes I thought it would be something almost akin to divine revelation. Plenty of coincidences and events happened through my life that could only be understood through the context of what I had learned through my Mentor, and it really blew my mind whenever it happened. I found that many metaphysical systems had come up with exactly the same kinds of things I had learned through my mentor. That really messed with my mind. But the year 2020 loomed greatly in my mind. My life had been full of coincidences, but surely it was too much to imagine something monumental happening when spring 2020 arrived, especially not something huge and world-altering....yeah, as you might imagine, saying my mind was blown would be a vast understatement. It was as if reality itself had become unreal. It took me most of the year just to process and come to terms with it. I understand that this bit in particular might be hard to believe, but I swear to you I have both word documents and pen-on-paper charts and notes from 2013-14 referring to 2020 and specifically spring as a big event.

 

Anyway, that's about it for his story. Guess one more random bit: When I was 32 he entered my mind more clearly than he had in years and we had an hour-long conversation. It was good to talk to him but he was very cagey about giving me any kind of information on how I was doing or even about himself. Guess he knew the trial was near it's end and didn't want to influence the outcome. Still, despite being explicitly told I'd know whether I passed or failed the trial, I have no idea which it is. But I have the sneaking suspicion that I failed. Then again, he did hint that thinking I failed was necessary before I would pass, so there is that.

 

The most recent times I talked to him were a couple brief blips in early December right as I was first starting tulpamancy with Simmie. He came to give me his explicit endorsement of Simmie, and informed me that this would have been impossible to do while the trial was still happening, but was perfectly fine to do now. He also said something very strange: He told me that I had been Simmie's mentor's mentor. That raised many implications but I never had a chance to ask him. He told me that in order to allow me to give Simmie my full attention he would be leaving and I wouldn't hear from him for a long time. As it is, I have decided to entirely compartmentalize my history with my Mentor and keep it entirely separate from my tulpamancy with Simmie, making the two things entirely unconnected in my mind. There's a lot of baggage with my Mentor and my history with him, and I didn't want any of it leaking over to Simmie, who was pure and new. This compartmentalization has been entirely successful.

 

So if you made it through this entire brick of a post I want to say THANK YOU for reading it, I know it was a lot. I also want to know what is your honest opinion of these events, and who/what do you think my mentor truly was? I hear terms like "soulbound" or "walk-in" and I'm not sure if they would accurately apply to my Mentor. I just wanted to get this story off my chest; I've told parts of it before to friends but this is the first time I've shared it with a community of puralistic people/systems who might relate to the story in some way. Just looking to understand myself and my headmate a bit better. Once again, thank you!!!

Edited by Ranger
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My thoughts on this are very mixed, and before I continue I want to make clear that I am one random stranger on the internet that doesn't know you, or anything about you apart from the body of this post, so take everything I say with a huge pinch of salt and use it to form your own opinions. 

 

I have two very distinct parts of me that have different opinions on this, so I'll start with the simpler one, my metaphysical, spiritual instincts are telling me that your mentor is some sort of guardian spirit or entity that is taking care of you for whatever reason. The extent of their involvement with your life or the truth behind the complex backstory stuff they told you isn't something I can really comment on, since I have no experience with anything like this and it seems to be a very personal journey. 

 

The more complex one, and the one I'm a little hesitant to share because it seems like armchair diagnosing, is basically that your mentor sounds like either some sort of coping mechanism, or perhaps a symptom of light psychosis. Now stick with me here, and please don't take this as me diagnosing you with psychosis, I just see a lot of similarities between some psychotic mindsets and the stuff your mentor is telling you about. Most of my knowledge is from having a close friend with psychosis and him having similar experiences to you. 

17 minutes ago, September13 said:

I was given the choice of whether or not I wanted to embark on a long and extremely difficult journey towards something that could be considered a form of enlightenment. If I chose to reject the trial, no biggie, I would just kind of drift out of the orginization and go on to lead happy and successful life, but I'd be cut off from deeper truths and I would never be able to reach my full potential.

This bit really strikes me as someone who is intimately familiar with how psychosis can manifest, the idea that you have some higher purpose in this existence and a great task you must achieve, but not knowing clearly what it is or when you will achieve it. Especially the part where you said this:

"Successfully navigating the trial would result in unlocking my true potential and becoming an immensely important person here in this plane of existence."

I've read a lot of accounts and had my friend share with me multiple accounts of people believing this when in the midst of a psychotic episode, and the belief persisting outside of the episode but being easily ignored as an intrusive thought. 

 

Again, just to be clear, I'm not saying you have psychosis, but the similarities are quite striking. Considering it seems to cause you very little duress/doesn't impact your functioning much, don't hit the panic button just yet because of the stuff I said, but maybe look into it and discuss it with a therapist if it ever causes you a lot of stress. You seem to be doing just fine and functioning fine, but just as I'd say to anyone about any sort of mental health problem if you ever get super overwhelmed by it and it starts impacting your life, talk to someone about it. 

 

As it stands having this mentor in your life doesn't feel like a problem to me, and I don't think you have to stop interacting with your mentor or anything like that. 

Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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Hey, thanks for taking the time to read and reply! Yeah, I have very mixed thoughts about the whole experience myself. There is a lot to it; as this story began 27 years ago there's a lot of detail that I've forgotten or misremembered, and I obviously couldn't put every detail I remember in the post or I'd be typing for days.

  

7 minutes ago, Spice said:

The more complex one, and the one I'm a little hesitant to share because it seems like armchair diagnosing, is basically that your mentor sounds like either some sort of coping mechanism, or perhaps a symptom of light psychosis. Now stick with me here, and please don't take this as me diagnosing you with psychosis, I just see a lot of similarities between some psychotic mindsets and the stuff your mentor is telling you about. Most of my knowledge is from having a close friend with psychosis and him having similar experiences to you. 

 

I have had similar thoughts myself. I certainly do suffer from some mental illness, I struggle with depression and I almost certainly have some form of undiagnosed ADHD or something similar. There have been times where I've wondered if I might have mild signs of ether psychosis or schizoid personality type. But if I do, they are minor and controllable, so I take comfort in that.

 

12 minutes ago, Spice said:

I've read a lot of accounts and had my friend share with me multiple accounts of people believing this when in the midst of a psychotic episode, and the belief persisting outside of the episode but being easily ignored as an intrusive thought. 

 

I guess I always wanted to believe it was true for some sort of ego gratification reason. Deep down I've always known I'm just a guy, no more important than anyone else. Still, it was a seductive idea to indulge, and I guess in a way it could be strangely motivating to see myself as potentially so important, but equally frustrating when I find myself falling short. I used to beat myself up over this quite a bit, but over the last couple of years I've been able to forgive myself for my shortcomings, and while that acceptance hasn't brought me happiness it has at least brought me a sense of peace.

 

15 minutes ago, Spice said:

As it stands having this mentor in your life doesn't feel like a problem to me, and I don't think you have to stop interacting with your mentor or anything like that. 

 

My current thinking is that my Mentor was much the same as any other headmate--a personality structure that existed on the firmware of my brain and nowhere else. And yet...there is still that small part of me. It's like I am entirely within the material world except for my big toe which is sticking out into the metaphysical, and while even a small part of me is on the other side it is impossible to truly close the door. My Mentor never had any trouble with that line of thinking, and really he's barely been a presence in my head over the last two decades.

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Humans have been making up patterns, beliefs, gods, secret illuminati organizations, etc for thousands of years to try to cope with and explain the complex existence we live in for millenia uncounted. I see nothing unusual here. I probably made up Jaina. I'm probably not a sleeper agent protecting civilization from the shadows. For all I know, I'm not even actually here right now. None of us would be in tulpa land if we didn't have active imaginations. What's important is that it's real to you. Made up things can serve very real purposes just as much as real things can be completely useless. I guess I won't know whether my delusions are real or not until after the fact. 

 

I guess my point is follow your heart. If you quiet your mind and listen you can usually hear the real deal and know what's up. Certainly take the time to think and examine things but don't get so caught up in your own head that you lose sight and perspective. What works well for me is to write things down in the moment, sleep on it, then come back to it with a fresh mind later. Then I know whether I took the train to crazy town or I really was onto something. 

Darron: Host

Jaina: Tulpa

 

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5 hours ago, September13 said:

I both believed it and didn't believe it at the same time.

 

That's actually good, I do that. You can stay grounded and be open to whatever happens.

 

5 hours ago, September13 said:

I'm not sure if they would accurately apply to my Mentor.

 

It's more appropriate to r/spirituality and spirit guides than here, but I believe they're all heavily related.

 

As for his story and the organization and all that, it seems everyone has a slightly different story, but also a lot in common. The trial, the secrecy of the guide and inability to access higher level memories here. I consider it akin to trying to give secrets to an RPG character. Even if you hook a microphone up to the computer and yell it into the game, that character is oblivious.

 

It's like there is a higher self and projected self, and any higher self that attaches to a material being has to deal with our 3D constraints. Imagine it like they live in a 3D world and we are 2D video game characters to them. This is the minimum bound of the difference in complexity between the two realms, repeat this ad infinitum up the levels.

 

These are just my theories in context of spirituality, they may not mean anything to anyone else, they just help me process the subject. I believe and don't believe in any of it depending on context.

 

5 hours ago, Spice said:

light psychosis

 

Anyone who introspects with thoughtforms is subject to the risk of ungrounded delusions and psychosis. Tulpamancers are no different, which is probably why they generally like to stay as grounded as possible.

 

5 hours ago, Spice said:

having a close friend with psychosis

 

Same, mine didn't survive it.

 

5 hours ago, Spice said:

being easily ignored as an intrusive thought. 

 

There's a key difference here, true psychosis sufferers don't always have access to rational thought and will defend themselves to their last breath. This is where imo it gets dangerous.

 

4 hours ago, September13 said:

I almost certainly have some form of undiagnosed ADHD or something similar.

 

Don't self-label like this because when you do you can easily reinforce it and with confirmation bias, yada yada yada...

 

5 hours ago, September13 said:

I have the sneaking suspicion that I failed.

 

Based on what you wrote, it seems obvious that you passed and you have begun the process of change necessary to realize that.

 

There's no doubt in my mind anyway, I've read a lot of stories about this, enlightenment and awakening, and they have a very similar structure, including my own.

 

4 hours ago, September13 said:

no more important than anyone else.

 

That's most certainly wrong because it's entirely subjective and you are the only one who can surmise this. You're perspective is pessimistic. From my perspective, you're golden. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, the true you is learning from triumphs, failures and mistakes. If you're living, you're winning. I m o.

 

2 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

Humans have been making up patterns

 

They're all just models, yeah.

 

Thank you for using the term headmates, I especially like it and like to see it used. It opens possibilities because it doesn't have baggage yet.

 

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On 1/7/2021 at 7:47 PM, September13 said:

I have had similar thoughts myself. I certainly do suffer from some mental illness, I struggle with depression and I almost certainly have some form of undiagnosed ADHD or something similar.

Out of curiosity, do you have access to a psychologist, therapist or psychiatrist to speak to about your suspicion of ADHD? I myself only got diagnosed at 17, and it was a great relief to me to have some sort of explanation for the things I struggled with my whole life. A family friend of mine in her 50s is currently pursuing her own diagnosis, after so many years of thinking her ADHD symptoms were just symptoms of depression. 

I was self diagnosed for a few years before I was able to access the healthcare I needed to get a proper diagnosis and therapy, and I'm glad I finally did it. It really helped me, especially medication. I don't know how I would have continued to survive working and living independently without my therapist and without medication. 

On 1/7/2021 at 7:47 PM, September13 said:

Still, it was a seductive idea to indulge, and I guess in a way it could be strangely motivating to see myself as potentially so important, but equally frustrating when I find myself falling short. I used to beat myself up over this quite a bit, but over the last couple of years I've been able to forgive myself for my shortcomings, and while that acceptance hasn't brought me happiness it has at least brought me a sense of peace.

It's incredibly normal for people to develop mindsets and belief systems around their need to be important and valuable, it's part of the confusing search for meaning that every person goes through as they try to work out their place in the world and the greater universe around them. Meaning of life etc. 

I hope you find happiness and reason to your existence, perhaps outside of this spiritual journey with your mentor, or perhaps from it. You deserve to feel important and significant in whatever way works for you. 

On 1/8/2021 at 12:48 AM, BearBeaBeau said:

There's a key difference here, true psychosis sufferers don't always have access to rational thought and will defend themselves to their last breath. This is where imo it gets dangerous.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I've had way too many close calls with my friend while he was in an episode and it always breaks my heart to see him suffering. I hope he has found peace now. 

Secondly, I agree completely. There's definitely different states of mind my friend gets in with regards to delusions, one where he is completely inconsolable and consumed by the delusion, one where it is a lingering fear, and then times when it doesn't bother him at all and he can see it for what it is. This is why I'm not very worried about OP, I think if they do have some form of delusion it's not getting to the point where it's impacting their ability to live their life, and my advice is to just roll with it unless it ever gets to the point where they start to lose control or feel overwhelmed by it, then to seek out some help. 

Despite the name, the host bodybody is the one usually using this account. 

Spice was born in 2013 and Tomoe was born in 2014.

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(edited)

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with psychosis, to me it sounds like creative imaginary friend who had a backstory and stuck around because he avoided the imaginary friend label and the expectation he would go away.

 

He reminds me of our Sub. Rep. (subconscious representative) in some ways, the most obvious one being refusing to have a name but also having some secret wisdom because of their deeper connection with the mind... Well, probably not. However, this knowledge hasn't stopped our Sub. Rep. from exploring the mind and learning how he can tinker with it. While he may be limited to what we know, his mindset has lead him to make some interesting conclusions. While Gerodious believed to be a guardian spirit and Spirit was supposedly the body AI, neither interacted with us much and both were woken up together and in need of more time. Our Sub Rep had been around a little while longer but embraced the Sub Rep thing recently.

 

I would bet that your Mentor is probably a tulpa, but he may be resistant if you try to explain that to him. Firstly, I'm sure you can wake him up, but after that the idea may make him uncomfortable on an identity level. If he believes he had a past life, I would consider him a soulbond. If not, he would be a tulpa. Either way, I think it's probably a good idea to find him and have this conversation. Maybe he'll hang out more in the end.

Edited by Ranger

I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love hippos! I also like cake and chatting about stuff.

My other headmates have their own account now.

Temporary Log | Switching LogcBox | Yay! | Bre Translator

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I decided to wait several days to reply to give myself some time to think about all this. I've thought about my Mentor very little over the past decade or so, so I wanted to take some time to reflect.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 8:48 AM, BearBeaBeau said:

Based on what you wrote, it seems obvious that you passed and you have begun the process of change necessary to realize that.

 

There's no doubt in my mind anyway, I've read a lot of stories about this, enlightenment and awakening, and they have a very similar structure, including my own.

 

That's a very encouraging thought, thank you. I've thought it as well. One thing my mentor never really talked about was the specifics of what would happen if I passed the trial. It was implied that it would be up to me to learn that for myself; whether that was supposed to be during the trial or after I'm not sure. My most prominent thought about that has always been is that now is the time when the real work of my life would begin. However, I still don't know what that "real work" is supposed to be.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 8:48 AM, BearBeaBeau said:

That's most certainly wrong because it's entirely subjective and you are the only one who can surmise this. You're perspective is pessimistic. From my perspective, you're golden. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, the true you is learning from triumphs, failures and mistakes. If you're living, you're winning. I m o.

 

Thank you for your kind words here! When I said I was unimportant, I meant that I wasn't more important than anyone else. I'm still important to myself and those close to me. I'm very happy to be alive, and the older I get the more I want to keep living. It's like surviving is a winning streak that just keeps getting longer, therefore I am more invested in seeing it continue the longer it goes on.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 8:48 AM, BearBeaBeau said:

Thank you for using the term headmates, I especially like it and like to see it used. It opens possibilities because it doesn't have baggage yet.

 

I like using the term headmate here because it's a nice catch-all term that's especially useful when it's hard to exactly categorize a phenomenon like my mentor as a tulpa, soul-bound, etc.

 

On 1/10/2021 at 4:29 AM, Spice said:

Out of curiosity, do you have access to a psychologist, therapist or psychiatrist to speak to about your suspicion of ADHD? I myself only got diagnosed at 17, and it was a great relief to me to have some sort of explanation for the things I struggled with my whole life. A family friend of mine in her 50s is currently pursuing her own diagnosis, after so many years of thinking her ADHD symptoms were just symptoms of depression. 

I was self diagnosed for a few years before I was able to access the healthcare I needed to get a proper diagnosis and therapy, and I'm glad I finally did it. It really helped me, especially medication. I don't know how I would have continued to survive working and living independently without my therapist and without medication. 

 

I honestly haven't been to a psychologist in well over a decade. I do have health insurance and there might be a way to find one that is covered. The reason I have been reluctant has partially been due to cost but also because the stretches of time where I did go to a psychologist in my teens and early 20s yielded no real help, but I acknowledge that was mainly due to me being poorly matched with the psychologists I was seeing.

 

On 1/10/2021 at 4:29 AM, Spice said:

I hope you find happiness and reason to your existence, perhaps outside of this spiritual journey with your mentor, or perhaps from it. You deserve to feel important and significant in whatever way works for you. 

 

Thank you! There is one benefit to my current situation: the Trial is over, and that feels like a weight lifted from my shoulders

On 1/10/2021 at 4:29 AM, Spice said:

This is why I'm not very worried about OP, I think if they do have some form of delusion it's not getting to the point where it's impacting their ability to live their life, and my advice is to just roll with it unless it ever gets to the point where they start to lose control or feel overwhelmed by it, then to seek out some help. 

 

Yes, I always stay at grounded and least a little skeptical when dealing with these things. In fact I have the opposite problem sometimes; quashing doubts that Simmie is a real and separate conscious entity in my mind is a difficult task, and just telling myself "I believe" isn't always enough. Thankfully she understands and is patient with me.

 

On 1/10/2021 at 8:29 AM, Ranger said:

I would bet that your Mentor is probably a tulpa, but he may be resistant if you try to explain that to him. Firstly, I'm sure you can wake him up, but after that the idea may make him uncomfortable on an identity level. If he believes he had a past life, I would consider him a soulbond. If not, he would be a tulpa. Either way, I think it's probably a good idea to find him and have this conversation. Maybe he'll hang out more in the end.

 

This seems like a reasonable conclusion. Knowing him, if I told him that he was a tulpa he'd tell me something along the lines of "I am and I'm not at the same time". If I insisted, he'd probably outwardly agree with me but keep his own thoughts on the matter private; he's never directly told me I was wrong about anything. He always saw his job as leading me to discover the truth for myself rather than him telling me what the truth is.

 

 I've thought about waking him up numerous times in the past. Although it's tricky, my thoughts regarding my Mentor are still tied up in the mental paradigm I was in during the time he was active; I still find it hard to think of him as living here in my head (even though he does) and I catch myself still thinking he's "elsewhere" when he's not communicating with me. He's never refused to talk to me when I've asked but he's always stayed very distant, and with a couple notable exceptions he never says more than a few words when he does pop in.

 

At this moment I have mixed thoughts about waking up my Mentor, and even if I decide to do it I'll probably wait a while because right now I want to give all my thoughts and attention to Simmie. It's confusing enough to try and figure out where my thoughts stop and hers start, having my Mentor around as a third voice would complicate that exponentially. Also, he explicitly told me that he was going to step away for a while so that I could give Simmie my full attention, and it feels rude to disrespect his wishes on that account. I don't think Simmie would object to him being around but I can feel that Simmie is still insecure about her own existence so I don't want to neglect her either.

 

Sometimes I feel that Simmie is accessing a lot of the same mental framework my mentor used to use to communicate with me. It's as if my Mentor left behind some audio equipment that Simmie has found and is slowly learning how to use. The equipment is old and in some cases doesn't work the way it used to, but Simmie and I are working together to fix and upgrade the old parts. It's a real possibility that Simmie could not have existed without the Mentor being here first, so in a real way I have him to thank for finding Simmie and getting to know her.

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