Creation A Journey from "Me" to "We"

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

Well, I've lurked, and I've lurked, and then I've lurked some more.

I've read pretty much every guide there is. But now it's time to actually get to work

Problem is... Well, you see, I'm lazy. Like, really really lazy. I also have a habit of hesitating and second guessing myself. I can also get a little distracted. Sometimes.

So, I'm starting this little journal here.

I'll try to add a post here periodically, even if it is relatively short. At least in the beginning. Cultivating this small habit will hopefully force a little discipline.

Typing it all out will hopefully solidify my thoughts. Yell at me if don't keep this up. :Þ

 

That being said. Lets start:

 

Why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain?

Well a companion for one. I don't have that much trouble making friends, but I have trouble keeping and maintaining connections. I've quite often drifted or grown apart from many people in my life. I'm a bit socially awkward, maybe even a bit socially anxious in some respects. I can certainly hide it, but the more people are around, the more I find myself wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else. It's not that I hate people, I don't.  And I don't plan to stop making connections with physical people. I just don't have the physical or mental energy to deal with too many people for too long.

 

Still, the opportunity for someone to understand me on a truly deep level that no one else can is very enticing. I can only hope that I'll be, and remain, worthy of this connection.

 

This will also be a bit of an ego journey for me. A chance to better know and understand myself as well as my future headmate. having someone to share this journey with will make it much more enjoyable.

 

Also add to that the opportunity to learn first hand an experience that seems rather alien at first glance and that I'm already a creative person, this becomes less of a choice and more of an inevitability.

 

The start

Right now I have a name and very loose, general idea of who I hope this tulpa will be.

Staying within the tradition of opposite genderedness in tulpamancy, "Hazel" will start female. This will help me differentiate her thoughts from mine.

 

A couple main traits I will be cultivating are:

Compassion- A personal code I like to live by is if someone needs or asks for help and I am able to do so, then I will help. Lessen the suffering of others. Having her share in that will make it simpler to coexist. This will also encourage many positive traits

Curiosity- a desire to learn and grow will help develop her and push her to be self sustaining

Outspokenness-  to encourage vocality.

this is not exhaustive just some major points

 

What I won't be forcing:

Love- From what I understand, most tulpas tend to be already naturally very caring towards their hosts. Also love, I feel, needs to develop naturally. Making someone love me just feels weird. plus that is a pressure I wouldn't want on anyone. Still, I'm sure my subconscious may still add this to the list regardless.

Lust- same

 

Form:

I don't have much of a form for her yet. I've had some ideas but none are really sticking. It is humanoid though. Freckles and dark hair are also coming to mind. That could just be my attraction to them.

 

I will, of course, accept any deviation from her. Encourage it, even.

 

The Method

I'm a very secular being by nature. Still, the mind loves symbols and most of the tulpamantic process is extremely symbolic. As such, I'll be taking some inspiration from the occult, particularly chaos magic.

so:

Spoiler

I love symbols, glyphs, and sigils. This is a representation of my intent to create a thoughtform. It is a seed or an egg as the round shape suggests. A beginning. Small and empty at first, but as time goes on, I'll be altering it and adding to it. It will slowly grow as she grows. In time, I may pass it to her. I'm creative by nature so this will just be a natural part of my creative process. The dotted outline suggests openness, inviting life to enter. The geometric shapes invoke a crystalline structure to "trap" the energy or qualities being cultivated. (Again, I'm not a proponent of metaphysics, but the symbology here is very useful).

 

I will use and meditate on this as an aid while I cultivate her development. I'm not too fond of the term 'forcing' at all, so I'll use the term 'cultivate' as it way better describes the process: to raise, to grow, to prepare, do develop, to improve, to acquire. It brings to mind watering and tending to a garden. This will further put me in the right mindset. (I also have mixed thoughts on the terms tulpa and tulpamancy but I have no desire to get into a fight with the entire lexicon).

 

Wish me luck.

Edited March 19, 2021 by Cosmic Cuttlebone
just some tags

[JakubM]

Hey! I hope you will find what you are looking for there. Having tulpa is an amazing experience,

although it demands some time to be put in it. But, it's definitly worth it!

2 hours ago, Cosmic Cuttlebone said:

Typing it all out will hopefully solidify my thoughts

You can also ask for anything there

2 hours ago, Cosmic Cuttlebone said:

Still, the opportunity for someone to understand me on a truly deep level that no one else can is very enticing. I can only hope that I'll be, and remain, worthy of this connection.

For your tulpa you always will be worthy, just give them your time and love and it will be fine, I promise.

 

2 hours ago, Cosmic Cuttlebone said:

Staying within the tradition of opposite genderedness in tulpamancy, "Hazel" will start female. This will help me differentiate her thoughts from mine.

Kinda funny for me as I did the same, but I ended up with a male. Give your tulpa a free choice if it wants to change please  :P

2 hours ago, Cosmic Cuttlebone said:

(I also have mixed thoughts on the terms tulpa and tulpamancy but I have no desire to get into a fight with the entire lexicon).

You can use whatever word you like, just feel comfortable with it. If you are going to use diffrent word for those in posts just let everyone know.

 

 

Anyway, remember to enjoy the proces and stay content with yourself. Give your tulpa some time if it needs it and be patient ( I would like to be 

patient to). Journey before destination and good luck !

[ChloeBee]

You remind me quite a lot of myself in many ways, especially when it comes to your reasons for doing this and your approach. I'm very excited to see your progress! I love the symbolism that you're using; I've always been fond of sacred geometry though I admit my understanding of it is extremely basic. I like the use of "cultivate", it's very classy!

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

Well, just finished my first cultivation. About a 5-10 minute session (I didn't really time it). Mostly reaffirming what I established in my first post, what I mean with what I wrote and telling her a little bit about my day.

For the past 3 weeks I've been using an app to do a guided mindfulness meditation in preparation for this. Because of that I was already in the habit of meditating at the end of the day. for most of the day I tried to get in the habit of keeping her in my thoughts in the back of my mind. I've set the tulpa/seed symbol as my phone's wallpaper as a reminder.

 

One thing I've decided I was going to listen for in terms of vocality and recognizing her thoughts was my name. Most people don't typically think to themselves in the third person so I figured I'd catch that pretty quick. As such I tried to make it clear that if she ever wants my attention or make sure I hear her she can call my name. At least until she's established herself.

Another thing I'll be looking for is any bits of annoyance or frustration at my not understanding her. This will push her further toward vocality and me recognizing her. Not that I'm intentionally tying to annoy her (well, maybe a little. I can spare a bit of impishness. I'm sure she'll have something to say about it).

 

Overall, it's a weird experience. I imagine it's a lot like praying, though I've never prayed a day in my life and don't plan to. I've been in churches, went to a catholic school, read (most) of the bible, and attended a lot of Quaker meetings (developed a LOT of patience from that. Made the mindfulness meditation at least seem comparatively simple) but never prayed. Never cared for it. still don't.

 

So this made it feel odd. Still, I enjoy the meditative aspect, if all else fails.

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

Session 2

Spent about 15 Minutes sending questions into the ether of the mind. not really expecting particular answers, they're mostly just things for her (and me) to contemplate. they're mostly personality questions: "What's your favorite genre's?" "Are you more of a cat or dog person?" that sort of thing.

 

No real concrete answers, to early. Maybe some emotional responses? Chills? Excitement? been having them for a couple days, mostly when I think of or try to include her. Probably just an anticipation of a response more then anything. It's too evanescent for a more scientific analysis. Still I may attach the feeling to her as part of the cultivation. The association may help her grow.

 

Earlier today I read a section of John D Barrow's The Book of Nothing as a part of passive cultivation. I had started reading it a couple months ago but I got distracted halfway through it. This seemed like a good excuse to continue it. Could have been her influence as I had the feeling that I really should finish it more then usual. Still, who knows? Would fit in the curiosity I'm trying to cultivate. I'll attach that feeling too. (p.s. I do recommend the book to anyone to anyone with in interest in the nature of zero, voids and nothingness. It is rather fascinating!)

 

I've also been playing crosswords on my phone as part of the passive cultivation, listening in for any suggestions. I think puzzles like this would be useful in cultivation, if you can remember to keep listening, and not get too distracted.

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

On 3/17/2021 at 8:57 PM, September13 said:

You remind me quite a lot of myself in many ways, especially when it comes to your reasons for doing this and your approach. I'm very excited to see your progress! I love the symbolism that you're using; I've always been fond of sacred geometry though I admit my understanding of it is extremely basic. I like the use of "cultivate", it's very classy!

Heh, thank you. I've always kept an objective, secular view of the world, but I still fell in love with occult symbols and mythology, so I'm always looking up the meanings of different esoteric symbols and such.

 

I didn't intend this at first but the tulpa seed glyph has an 8 pointed star as a representation of the sigil of chaos:

Spoiler

Given the nature of all this, I suppose it's appropriate. I am essentially trying to achieve some sort of "gnosis" when cultivating. At the very least, I'm trying to alter my state of mind in order to accommodate another. I'll take it as a reminder.

 

The most important thing with this kind of thing is intention and expectation. Both influence, even dictate your mental reality.

 

At least that's what I think.

---

On 3/17/2021 at 4:34 AM, JakubM said:

Hey! I hope you will find what you are looking for there. Having tulpa is an amazing experience,

although it demands some time to be put in it. But, it's definitly worth it!

You can also ask for anything there

For your tulpa you always will be worthy, just give them your time and love and it will be fine, I promise.

 

Kinda funny for me as I did the same, but I ended up with a male. Give your tulpa a free choice if it wants to change please  :P

You can use whatever word you like, just feel comfortable with it. If you are going to use diffrent word for those in posts just let everyone know.

 

 

Anyway, remember to enjoy the proces and stay content with yourself. Give your tulpa some time if it needs it and be patient ( I would like to be 

patient to). Journey before destination and good luck !

Thank you for the friendly reply:)

yeah, I have no intention in rushing. That's one of the worst things to do in a relationship. I've had my small share of impatient companions. not a lot, but still. Funny how it always ends up short. :Þ

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

Session 3

Today I took 10 minutes to meditate on the symbol.  I brought the image up on my phone, set it to full screen and allowed myself to get lost in it. I symbolically imagined mental "energy" to flow from me into the center of the structure, becoming part her.

 

As I stared the light around me seemed to fluctuate and darkened as I focused. The lines of the geometry seemed to brightened and sharpened, then loose focus. Certain shapes became more pronounced and/or fall into chaos as I gained, lost, and regained focus. The "seed-of-life" lattice pattern placed subtly behind the geometry gave a depth which seemed to slightly increase as I stared. The subtle subconscious movements of my head made it seem to move out of sync with the rest of the image, further hinting at its depth.

 

The emptiness of the center bothered me, made it difficult to focus. The glyph represented a potential for birth and growth, but there needed to be else something there. Something to represent her. Her mind, heart, and spirit, so to speak. A single point for her to grow. A spark.

 

 

Spoiler

 

It's a start.

With this I further the coalescence of her mind.

 

During the meditation I felt as I should think some sort of affirmations or mantras but I didn't really have much prepared, other than "I will you into existence," or something like that. Near the end, though, I asked some more questions on her thoughts about the day. Nothing much.

 

After the meditation we read another section of John Barrow's book. Funnily enough, it was on geometry.

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Cosmic Cuttlebone
Breaking the block of text into paragraphs for readability.

[Cosmic Cuttlebone]

Sessions 4-6

Continuing meditation and cultivation.

When developing Hazel, I tried to imagine her heart/soul/core as a glowing marble of white light. I can cup this light in the palm of my hand. As I breath, I imagine blowing life into it making it grow bigger and brighter. Like a glowing white ember.

 

With narration, I find myself blanking on things to say. I've been quite often quiet throughout my life. I suppose years of being the weird kid instilled a lot more social awkwardness into my psyche then I realized. Not that I'm a complete blundering maladroit. I'm still functional. Kind of. I feel part of it is the blank page/canvas syndrome. I need to start planning ahead of time. And not get distracted.

 

While doing the focus meditation, I noticed that, for brief periods, color would grey out along with the perceived fluctuations in light. It's subtle. A soon as I notice it, it's gone. after a while, my eyes will wonder and jump involuntarily, breaking focus. Still, the sensation's interesting. I might switch back to mindfulness breath exercises for a little while, or maybe I'll start doing that in the morning.

 

My last session was 30 minutes, as I was trying to see how long I could push the meditation. it was difficult, but doable. While I try to keep Hazel in my mind for as long as possible, I feel as though I'm not giving her the attention she deserves. I'll keep experimenting.

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by Cosmic Cuttlebone

[ruleofthumb]

Quote

While I try to keep Hazel in my mind for as long as possible, I feel as though I'm not giving her the attention she deserves. I'll keep experimenting.

 

Stone: Try not to let that guilt get to you. Slow and steady tulpa developement is ok. It's, of course, cool to push yourself if you're up to it, though.

 

Quote

Typing it all out will hopefully solidify my thoughts. Yell at me if don't keep this up. :Þ

 

YELL (it's ok)

 

Quote

Overall, it's a weird experience. I imagine it's a lot like praying, though I've never prayed a day in my life and don't plan to. I've been in churches, went to a catholic school, read (most) of the bible, and attended a lot of Quaker meetings (developed a LOT of patience from that. Made the mindfulness meditation at least seem comparatively simple) but never prayed. Never cared for it. still don't.

 

Sometimes I think religious people who are really personally attached to religious figures have made said figures into thoughtforms. When I was little, and I prayed, oftentimes it was just talking and expecting an answer, which is what forcing is at its most simple.

 

Quote

With narration, I find myself blanking on things to say. I've been quite often quiet throughout my life. I suppose years of being the weird kid instilled a lot more social awkwardness into my psyche then I realized.

 

Yup. It's frustrating. I'm not very good at narration.