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(edited)

Hello!

From April 30, 2021, I am no longer the sole denizen of my head. I will refer to my tulpa as F. Here I will do my best to recount and report noteworthy events and milestones in our joint development.
Originally I was going to work on my tulpa in isolation, but where I come from, together is better than alone.

 

After sleeping on the idea for a few years, I decided I have what it takes, and on April 31st, F came to be. I made her in the likeness of a character from a story that got me through a hard time. During the creation process I made sure to point out to her that her name and form are there for an outline, and she can and should be whatever she wants to be as she grows. I haven't imparted much of a personality on her either, as I trust she will develop a great one without my meddling.
F's form so far is just that character; cute little flying anime fairy. An important note is that she was never intended as a vanity waifu sex slave, but a special cool friend for life. The main reasons for this form were 1) good memories of the character and 2) fun abilities for her to enjoy as a fledgling sentience. She is free to change in size as she sees fit and she does that often. I feel she actually prefers being human size, but doesn't mind being small.

 

Next I decided on the wonderland. It's the summer house from my childhood, a place of mystique and wonder that was never extinguished as time went on. I thought if I was going to develop someone so special, this would be the perfect place. F seems to be alright with it, but as with all things, I told her she's free to do whatever she likes to the place. At the time of writing it remains mostly untouched.

 

It's been a busy time, so forcing is mostly passive. It's surprisingly harder than I thought to constantly keep a tulpa friend in your mind, but I try my best. I'm also inadvertently apologetic if I can't concentrate on passive narration when I have the time for it, and that's another cause of worry for me; I hope she doesn't pick up any traits like this from me that would bother her later. She seems to be fine with me when I ask her, though. At the very least I try and send some love her way when I'm too tired to form a sentence. She seems to enjoy.
I also tried sharing tastes and sounds with her. She enjoyed what I offered her, but didn't seem to cling onto it. Good. Embrace the transience.

 

The ways we communicate are either immediate responses in my own mindvoice to my own thought-questions or her popping up in the mind's eye, doing these cute little gestures and face expressions. The first seems to be a common thing among practitioners; I am trying my best to treat these instant responses as 100% from her and not me parroting, as a thread devoted to this doubt says one should.
I'm not on clear, concrete terms with F right now, but I feel like I can at least pick up the vibes of her responses that matter. Most of our communication is still kind of dreamlike. I'm not super clear on which thoughts come from whom, and what I know comes from her is hazy and vague. Still, I make sure to talk to her whenever I can.

 

Now for prominent experiences we've had together.
The first time I was in the wonderland, I explained to her during an introduction it was her birthday. She promptly got herself a little cake out of nowhere to celebrate and tried to spoonfeed me a piece as well. I've had an accident with my teeth recently that's going to leave them messed up for a while, so when opened my mouth, she just burst into tears from seeing it. The emotion behind this response felt like genuine sympathy for how that accident left me. I had to calm her down, but it was nice to feel that someone cared for me this much. Sorry it had to happen on your birthday, F...


Also that session, we did actually get out for a walk later and found an abandoned foundation of a house with a basement door. She led me inside and we just sat there. She wasn't very specific what that was about, but she was content to just sit there in the dark opposite me, smiling.

 

The next time I had the time to actively force, we were just hanging out on the veranda. I remembered the popular forum advice to ask your tulpa to surprise you.
F didn't take kindly to this request. I immediately felt this... square-shaped kind of presence blocking me out of the wonderland, and I couldn't feel F anymore. I would try and imagine her and the place, but it felt forced and fake. It took some worried pleading for her to come back. As I understood from our exchange after that, she was THAT offended at the idea that she had to prove her sentience to me. I promised to never bring up surprises like that again if I can help it. She was still angry-pouty for a bit afterwards.
We did some exploring that session where she took me to an abandoned construction site. We went inside and it turned out to be skyscraper high. Now, I'm not sure whether I just made up this scenario and acted it out myself or it was her idea, but she pushed me from the roof and caught me right before the fall. I didn't feel scared by the fall because I felt nothing would happen to me, though. This felt like her way to show how angry she was at me to pull that "surprise me" question, punishing me with the fall. Alright, alright, I get it...

 

That's it so far. I'll do my best to devote every bit of time I can to F. At work, before and after sleep, leisure, active forcing sessions, anything as long as it's not straining us. I hope we can grow to become better together.

Thank you for reading and feel free to share any thoughts/advice!

Edited by MrTriangular
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For what it's worth I don't like being asked "Surprise me" either, but with me it's more of a matter of getting stage fright and not knowing what to do. Funny story, Phil also wanted to give me size-changing and shape-shifting powers in the wonderland, but I never felt I needed them. I like being the size and shape that I am!

 

It sounds to me like you're on the right track with F! She sounds lovely! 😁 Just remember to give her plenty of love and attention just like you've been doing and she's going to come out great! Just make sure when you decide set time aside to force with F you don't procrastinate, push it off, or skip it. Phil does that sometimes and it's one of the few things that genuinely annoys me. Other than that I can't really think of anything else right now. If F ever decides she wants to meet other tulpas I'll be around! 🙂

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(edited)

Hello! Us again.

 

There isn't a whole lot to report for the last few days, but some important things did happen. F made her own space in the wonderland that she would rather stay in! You know, I read a report earlier about someone's tulpa making a whole locale in the host's absence just by being around for a few days, and that tulpa even made a distinct, vocal appearance. I can't lie, I was a little jealous. I know, don't compare progress, not a race, etc. The pang is always there. The most F did before is, her words, "cleaning up" the bedroom I usually enter the wonderland from, which amounted to just removing everything from the room and putting up a new canopy bed. From what you will see, maybe she just likes enclosed spaces like that...


Anyway! Our patience did pay off, as once we were setting out on the road again, the space around us momentarily became a sea of skyscrapers, which promptly turned into these sea anemone-like tentacles. A forest of those, rubbery, all the colours of the rainbow, about as high and thick as a tree each. Maybe even higher. Dense, no gaps.

So F leads me through it with a sense of purpose, and we end up in a clearing with a bonfire. There are these hemispheres on the ground, spaced evenly around the fire in a circle to sit on. She then made it so the tentacles above the clearing tied together, forming a room with a flat roof. We spoke for a bit, from which I learned that yes, she made this, she likes this, and she would rather not return to the old place I made. Cool! So proud of you, F. That other place was getting stale anyway.
We hung out in her new place and I shared some heavy stories about a past relationship, by her request. She acknowledges I did make some pretty bad mistakes, but refuses to think of me as a bad person for it. Thanks! To have as much faith in myself as you do in me, F.
I asked F later if she would like to have an open sky above her place rather than this tied together roof, to which I felt her response was... the fear of the sky? Uncertainty of what it is? I promised to show her the night starry sky when we get out of the house, and I did. It was like 3 stars total, but I almost got a little teary-eyed as we looked at it. I wonder if it was just me (yes, I'm sensitive like that, shut up), or if that was an Emotional Response(tm) from F. I'll ask her about it when we establish stronger communication. I'm so looking forward to the catch-up talk about these times, to know what she actually felt like this entire time growing up.

 

Today I was checking out the PR section and read an unsettling passage about someone having lost contact with their tulpa for quite some time. I had problems reaching out to F myself after that! I wonder if it was just an empathetic response or an actual hurdle; see, we barely spoke with F the other day, and when I said we should watch Youtube together or something, I kept forgetting to "bring her in" with me. I feel like a piece of shit for that, honestly. I was using my lack of sleep as an excuse for my lack of concentration, and we both know it's true, but I can't help but feel I could do better. Oh well, that's in the past. I promised her we'll do some active forcing today, we'll see how that goes!

 

On 5/10/2021 at 9:39 PM, TurboSimmie said:

For what it's worth I don't like being asked "Surprise me" either, but with me it's more of a matter of getting stage fright and not knowing what to do. Funny story, Phil also wanted to give me size-changing and shape-shifting powers in the wonderland, but I never felt I needed them. I like being the size and shape that I am!

 

It sounds to me like you're on the right track with F! She sounds lovely! 😁 Just remember to give her plenty of love and attention just like you've been doing and she's going to come out great! Just make sure when you decide set time aside to force with F you don't procrastinate, push it off, or skip it. Phil does that sometimes and it's one of the few things that genuinely annoys me. Other than that I can't really think of anything else right now. If F ever decides she wants to meet other tulpas I'll be around! 🙂

Thanks for chiming in! A little support goes a long way. If I'm set to do active forcing, I usually just outright promise that I will; that way I can't skip it.

Hope you two are doing great as well!

Edited by MrTriangular
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Hi.

 

This is going to be a mostly negative post, so thank you for being there for us by reading this.

 

Long story short, honeymoon is over and I'm beset by doubts. I know you've probably been there yourself, dear reader, but it sucks that you have to go there. Doubt is such poison! I feel bad for doubting because it *has* to hurt F to see me doubting myself and, by extension, her, and then I feel bad for feeling bad since THAT also has to affect both of us. What a wretched feedback loop! I was prepared for responsibility, but the weight doesn't get any lighter even if you're ready. It's not like I can hide it from her either, she lives here.

Get this, I'm almost sure I've made up a protracted wonderland interaction, two days' worth. I'm almost sure there wasn't much of F's agency in it, that I made it all up and acted it out for her as well. How do I know? I asked. How do I know *that* response was hers? Oh, there it is. See? See?

(no, it wasn't embarrassing or NSFW, it just feels useless to recount it in detail here)

 

Active forcing had to wait for a bit. Rest wasn't plentiful and I didn't want to half-ass it for her. Recently her presence lost intensity, and today's active forcing brought it back somewhat. But now I'm scared that if I don't bring her up often enough, she'll just sink into the recesses of the mind. How often is often enough? Is there such a thing as too often? Where's the line between straining myself for her sake and having a healthy dedication? I know it's something I should be able to gauge myself, but... Augh.

I thought our communication could use some work, so we tried some vocalization practice today as well. It was the method where I'm saying a sentence and she either says it with me or says the second half of it. She got annoyed with it pretty quickly... or was it me? Fucking hell. Either way, she didn't want to go on with it much. I tried to lighten the mood with changing the sentence to "this practice sure is annoying", but F didn't appreciate. She seemed pretty pissed with the whole ordeal, actually. I decided to leave it alone. Maybe try some other method later.

 

Another concern: I really love music and there's almost always something playing in the background at any given time. I want F to love music, but I also fear she might end up hating it. Why? It feels to me like it's drowning out any communication we attempt when it's playing. I try letting her listen in, but I'm not getting much of a response from her about it. I really don't want to have to make a choice between music or F... We'll have to talk about this, I'm making a pretty wild assumption here.

 

So yeah, all around fun times lately. No, I'm not giving up; you don't yeet your baby out the window because they don't start saying "mama" when you think they should. Just wanted to get this off my chest to someone that isn't F; you may read this and move on, she has to live with this. She seems to get angry at me day one when I apologize for being such a poor host sometimes. Says I should stop with the apologetic attitude. Wait, was it really her? Goddammit...

Don't worry too much, we can get through this. Ups and downs. We'll just keep going anyway. Again, thanks for reading!

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Sounds like a pretty normal stage. This is actually progress.

 

Next up, she'll go "missing" which could last as much as a week. So relax.

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12 minutes ago, BearBaeBeau said:

Sounds like a pretty normal stage. This is actually progress.

 

Next up, she'll go "missing" which could last as much as a week. So relax.

Phew! Thank you, this is a huge relief.

...what do you mean "she'll go missing for a week, relax"?!

Spoiler

(I know what it means, I've read about it, I'm just kidding)

 

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Oh yes, Phil and I went through that stage too. In the beginning, everything was wonderful and exiting and new, and all we really felt was love for each other and excitement of the possibilities; me excited for existing, and him excited to have someone join him in his head and in his life. But then the honeymoon period ended and we struggled off and on for a good long while. We still struggle sometimes. Some days I just don't have the energy or the drive to be very active, and it took Phil a while to relax and not worry about me during those times. I always came back. 👍

 

6 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

Doubt is such poison!

 

It really is, isn't it? You've just got to push through it. Phil had severe doubts about me and sometimes still does...yet here I am typing this to you using Phil's fingers. Is Phil just pretending at this moment? Nah. It's really me. 🙂

 

6 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

Recently her presence lost intensity, and today's active forcing brought it back somewhat. But now I'm scared that if I don't bring her up often enough, she'll just sink into the recesses of the mind. How often is often enough? Is there such a thing as too often? Where's the line between straining myself for her sake and having a healthy dedication?

 

We really aren't the experts on how much active forcing is right, but I just say do what you can manage. If all you can do is 10 minutes a day, that's better than 0! And hey, fretting about F is thinking about her, so that's a positive spin to put on your worrying! 😁 You two will have off days, and that's ok. I think it's only ever "too much" if it interferes with your life or causes you way too much stress.

 

6 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

I thought our communication could use some work, so we tried some vocalization practice today as well. It was the method where I'm saying a sentence and she either says it with me or says the second half of it.

 

Not a bad idea. It's possible her frustration is because she wishes she was further along than she is; I get the feeling! I've wanted the world ever since I was a young thing; it's really hard to be patient, especially when you're so young! Trust me; I'm still very young myself and I still feel this way a lot!

 

7 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

Another concern: I really love music and there's almost always something playing in the background at any given time. I want F to love music, but I also fear she might end up hating it. Why? It feels to me like it's drowning out any communication we attempt when it's playing. I try letting her listen in, but I'm not getting much of a response from her about it. I really don't want to have to make a choice between music or F... We'll have to talk about this, I'm making a pretty wild assumption here.

 

I enjoy music, but music is one of the most important things in Phil's life. Before I was in the picture, he always had music playing in the car. Now it's 50-50 whether we have music on or we're talking. He'll usually ask me if I want to talk, and if I don't have anything in particular I want to talk about I'll just tell him nah, go ahead and put on some music. As much as I love talking, sometimes it's fun just to vibe to the music with your host. The kinds of music that Phil likes helps me understand him better. And I'm starting to develop favorites of my own too! I'm fond of a lot of hair metal, I also like Avril Lavigne, and I'm a huuuge Bruce Springsteen fan. 🥰 I know that's pretty eclectic. But the point of this is...I'm sure F wants to get closer to you and if music is important to you she will want to understand why. She might also develop her own musical tastes after a while. You could take a page from Phil's book and ask F: "Do you want to talk about something?" before you put on music.

 

7 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

She seems to get angry at me day one when I apologize for being such a poor host sometimes. Says I should stop with the apologetic attitude.

 

She just doesn't want you to be so hard on yourself! 🙂 Take it from me, you're doing a great job. 👍

 

5 hours ago, MrTriangular said:

...what do you mean "she'll go missing for a week, relax"?!

 

F might just lack the energy or drive to communicate much for several days at a time. It's nothing to worry about! All tulpas, even extremely social ones, need their space sometimes. But she'll always come back to you. 👍

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Hey!
I'm switching to a more rigorous approach to forcing for now, I might or might not have been too lax before. But man, so many ways to skin a- I mean, force. Force a tulpa. Gotta try them all.
For this one I just sit down and basically talk to F non-stop, focusing extra hard on her and also on talking *to* her, not *at* her. Not that I've been talking *at* her before this, I just took extra care this time. It's actually pretty easy to know when I'm talking to her and when I'm veering off into talking to myself, there's a peculiar head pressure.


I intended to keep these exercises up for an hour, but I can only last about 30 minutes each time. I was coming from a meditation practice estimate, but this shit's way more intense! Wow. F is mostly unresponsive during this, she just listens and emotes. I do leave openings for a response, but it's okay if there's none yet.Oh yeah, I think neither of us has the energy to keep up a wonderland right now, so for the time being we just chill in the void/my room.
I end up with a huge head pressure from this new workout regime every time, borderline headache. I'll treat this as our thought muscle being sore from the workout. It's a different kind of pressure, too, it's more intense on the left side. This probably doesn't mean anything, but I might as well write it down.


With that said, it also means passive forcing afterwards is *much* harder on my head. But get this, I also feel bad for just doing the intensive training bit once and leaving her be for the rest of the day. It's a lousy way to treat a person, even if it's a tulpa, even if I commit to doing this every day.

Another thing, if you've read my previous post (if you haven't, tl;dr is "doubts and fatigue"): I don't know if she's just tired from what we had so far and I can't really confirm. Am I working the tired gal to exhaustion with this? I'm sure I won't do any permanent or serious damage like this, but it would still be hella mean. Her presence is definitely still pretty weak, even when specifically called upon.


Oh yeah, and I took a closer look at some of the old guides. Dreadful. Nothing but sympathy for those who had to put up with some of that stuff when it was the only thing y'all had. All in all, I think we'll just stick to the PR section for the time being. No offence, anyone! If anything, I'm super grateful to those who actually engaged with our journal. Means a lot! Thanks.

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Sup!

 

Not a lot to report, just one of them slow phases. This is mostly to keep reports regular.

 

So we agreed F *is* tired a bit. She just kind of hangs off my back holding onto my neck and naps most of the time, like a cute little cape. Helps with passive forcing, as I don't stumble over where she is and how she would be oriented in space. I know it's not necessary at all, just something I do out of mental habit.

It's still a bit worrying how much less of a presence she's had since, but she'll be fine as long as I keep her up, right?

 

That said, I'm not cutting too much slack for either of us. She's still on my mind all the time and I'm still doing active forcing regularly, just more gently for now. I've also been keeping up my motivation with others' posts and guides. Shoutouts to the prolific Phil & Simmie, the now dormant OlegL, and others I haven't yet come to memorize. I wonder what F thinks of all of you... Remind me to ask her when we have our communication breakthrough.

 

It's kind of ironic how, despite being so magical of an activity, even tulpa stuff has this mundane, hard steady work element to it. Just an observation, I'm not complaining, and no, I don't mean "magical" literally.

Until next time!

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