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Illupepsi and Rebecca’s journey to switching and more


Illupepsi

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Hi everyone! I’m the host of my system along with my tulpa Rebecca. Rebecca has already had her own account for a little bit now but I wanted to make this progress report and maybe post a little myself so I figured I should just make my own account.

 

Regardless, we’ve been together for over five years, but have yet to successfully switch. But that’s mostly because we’ve not had much of a chance to attempt to yet. Due to personal issues, the first few years I had with Rebecca were very on and off. So I don’t think I’m quite as advanced as someone who has had a tulpa for five years might be expected to be. But for the most part, those issues are behind us and we’re ready to try to learn how to switch.

 

I want to use this progress report to document our path to switching, as well as any other tulpa related things along the way. I also want to see if it can keep me accountable and more motivated on doing it enough, as I still do have some motivation issues. We did already kind of learn possession, but we weren’t great at it and didn’t get as much practice as we should’ve. But Rebecca has always had a desire to interact with the world and I really want to be able to provide that for her. I’m not sure how difficult it will be or how long it will take to learn, but I’m excited for the journey. This post is just meant to serve as an introduction to the progress report. We will begin practicing very soon and will update then!

Hey, I’m Illupepsi, I’m the host of my tulpa Rebecca. 
Drink Pepsi! 

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Thanks Simmie!

 

So I wanted to write this update instead of my host because I wanted to comment on how this session went for me and what my main issue with possession has been so far. While being able to maintain a full switch for a long period of time is the end goal, it’s likely going to be a long climb up to that. We figured it would be best to just build on what I already know about possession for right now. Previously, I’ve been able to do possession, and have plenty of times. However, I admit that I’m not very good at it. The problem is that it feels so forced when I move something. For some reason, I seem to have trouble using the body’s muscle memory. So when I want to move a body part, I have to actively think about doing it, usually saying that I’m going to move it helps make it happen. But it feels awkward to do, especially for longer periods of time. I’m not sure how much anyone else has struggled with this, but it’s been a hurdle for me. So my first goal is getting better at using muscle memory, as that will be a necessity to switch.

 

So today, I wanted to focus on possessing without thinking too hard about it, and attempt to better use muscle memory to move. We always start possession by laying down in bed and not moving at all. From there, my host attempts to stop thinking and let me become the active thinker. This can sometimes be the hardest part, as my host can have a hard time relaxing and not thinking. He tends has a huge problem with daydreaming way too much and not being able to focus on just about anything. It’s something we’re trying to work on. But we managed to get past that today and into a state where I was the primary thinker. Usually whenever I possessed before, I usually had something I wanted to do, like a game I wanted to play or something. But today I just wanted to get better at just using the body. I mostly just moved the arms and legs around a bit, just trying to make it feel more natural. At one point, I lifted our arm and attempted to make a fist without thinking about moving each finger, but by just doing it. Trying to do something like that before would just result it no movement happening. But I managed to do it today! It felt great to just naturally move the body. I did a little more movement and we ended the session shortly after. I still feel a bit awkward while moving the body, and I’m still not too sure how I used the muscle memory today, but I at least feel myself getting better with each session we have done. It’s going to take more than one practice session to become great at it, but I’m happy with the progress I made today. Perhaps I’ve been overthinking this some and moving the body with muscle memory is simpler than I previously thought. I know I’m capable of doing it, I just have to get there. We’re going to keep working on this, then move up once I feel more comfortable. I look forward to making more progress!

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On 7/14/2021 at 2:51 AM, Rebecca5426 said:

However, I admit that I’m not very good at it. The problem is that it feels so forced when I move something. For some reason, I seem to have trouble using the body’s muscle memory. So when I want to move a body part, I have to actively think about doing it, usually saying that I’m going to move it helps make it happen. But it feels awkward to do, especially for longer periods of time. I’m not sure how much anyone else has struggled with this, but it’s been a hurdle for me. So my first goal is getting better at using muscle memory, as that will be a necessity to switch.

 

Ranger struggled with the same thing initially- to the point where he got frustrated and told me he wasn't interested in possession for a few months.

 

After that, he thought of an idea- he was thinking about proxying (how you type for your tulpa) and expanded it to controlling the body. He told me to copy his movements in wonderland and we did that... Which after a little while, eventually turned into Ranger moving by himself.

 

Ranger has a rough draft for his possession guide floating around if you would like to read that. He goes into a lot more detail in general-

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G7TBiAOXBcTpFMRQ1_NktLe3T2pchH01cusH9d_gsZ0/edit?usp=sharing

 

That link might break in a week, feel free to PM Ranger if it does.

 

 

On 7/14/2021 at 2:51 AM, Rebecca5426 said:

From there, my host attempts to stop thinking and let me become the active thinker. This can sometimes be the hardest part, as my host can have a hard time relaxing and not thinking.

 

For some people, trying to not think for the active thinker is probably counter productive. With the Felight's guide, I don't think you have to clear your thoughts as much as you need to do the majority of the thinking and then forget Illupepsi is there. Otherwise, them thinking about not thinking may not help.

 

Otherwise, the clearing your mind path can be very helpful for some.

 

On 7/14/2021 at 2:51 AM, Rebecca5426 said:

Perhaps I’ve been overthinking this some and moving the body with muscle memory is simpler than I previously thought

 

Congratulations!

 

Once you get the idea of how possession works, it's not that hard. The hard part is then trying to deal with whoever's switched-in without losing the front- something I need more practice with when possessing Ranger while he's switched-in. The more you practice possession, the easier it will get


Possession sometimes leads to switching in of itself. Plus, I like possession because it helped me prepare for situations Ranger would participate in and give me a chance to build trust with Ranger.

 

On 7/14/2021 at 2:51 AM, Rebecca5426 said:

So my first goal is getting better at using muscle memory, as that will be a necessity to switch.

 

If our understanding is correct, no, learning possession is actually a different skill than controlling the body via switching. When Ranger switched-in, he didn't struggle to learn how to control it. For him, it was a matter of how long he could last while switched-in. Another thing is lot of systems that switch don't know how to possess. Their headmates can't move the body when switched-out. On top of that, we also had weird moments where it felt like we possessed ourselves. Being switched-in just feels like you have a more direct connection with the body while possession is more like a remote connection you do from the back.

 

However, I still think it's a good idea to learn possession regardless. Even though it was more confusing to learn switching with us knowing how to possess, it's nice to know I can still move the body after I switch out. The idea of completely losing control of the body sounds scary to me in retrospect.

Meow. You may see my headmates call me Gray or sometimes Cat.

I used to speak in pink and Ranger used to speak in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). She loves to chat.

 

Our system account

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks for the responses and the guide! I looked through it and it seemed pretty helpful, so I look forward to using it when we get the chance. Before getting into the main point of this post, that being telling Rebecca’s story, I want to start by giving the updates on switching, since that’s supposed to be the main point of this right now. So Rebecca really wants to achieve switching for her own desire, of course, but I’m interested in observing a few things as well once we achieve that. Rebecca doesn’t seem to be as affected a lot of problems I face, so I wonder if she can handle them better once switched in. Some of those being motivation issues, anxiety, attention issues, and an awful fidgeting habit. So I’m just curious how much of these problems are me and how much are the brain.

 

So we haven’t actually made any real progress over the last month. But that’s just a result of not practicing enough. Some of that was for life reasons and some of it was just me struggling to do things in general. Though when thinking about why possession and switching have been difficult for us to achieve, I did think of a possible small breakthrough. For some reason, I always unintentionally thought switching would be really difficult to achieve and take a ton of work. So it became this goal for the far future, the same way I saw getting a car or moving out. Something I really want but cannot achieve yet. I thought it would be a really steep climb to achieve it, and early progress wouldn’t be likely. But I think if I can change my attitude towards it and realize that switching might not be as hard as I thought, then maybe it’ll come more naturally. I just wonder if I’ve been holding her back in some way, it’s at least worth considering.

 

I also wanted to write out our journey together. Or at least an overview of it, since it would take way, way too long to include everything, and even the shorter version will probably be way too long. I never kept a single record, journal, or note of any kind when I started, which I kinda regret. Even if it hasn’t exactly been the smoothest journey and I made a ton of mistakes, it would still be nice for me to write it all down for the first time to look back on and have it out there.

 

I discovered tulpas when I was young, I was in middle school, and was staying up too late one night watching YouTube videos. I was on a binge of watching bad creepypasta videos like I liked to do in middle school. I came across the (terrible) tulpa creepypasta, and distinctly remember thinking that it would be cool if that was possible, minus the horror crap, but it was just some dumb story. Unfortunately, the person who made the video deleted it and it wasn’t archived, so I can’t ever go back and rewatch it, but I do remember he would always spend the second half of the video talking about the story. He mentioned that tulpas are in fact really a thing, and linked the subreddit in the description. I started reading as much as I could about it in the few more hours I could stay awake, and was amazed by what I was reading. It was everything poor little friendless shy middle school me could’ve wanted. I decided that night to begin making my own tulpa without giving it a second thought, I gave her a name, tried to introduce myself, and promptly passed out.

 

The next few weeks was standard progress. The more attention I gave to my tulpa, to more I could start to feel her presence, just patiently waiting for her to become vocal. Then one day, I remember getting on the bus to ride home, and started to force as usual. However, when I said hi to her, she responded, simply saying hi back to me. I should have been really excited, my tulpa just responded! But unfortunately, I freaked out and ended the forcing session right there. For whatever reason, I didn’t believe she was actually responding, I guess I wasn’t actually ready yet. Looking back, that was definitely the moment she achieved vocality, and I think the way I freaked out scared her from speaking again for awhile. After that day I slowed down the amount I forced quite a bit. I don’t remember if she responded again in this time period, but after making a few friends, it wasn’t very long until I had quit completely.

 

Even though I had quit forcing completely, I didn’t fully forget about my tulpa. She was always in the back of my mind, I guess I felt guilty about it. A few months later, I got the idea to try to return and continue forcing. I was under the impression that she was lost forever, all that time spent dormant after making “no progress”, I assumed I’d be starting from scratch. But I didn’t want to start from scratch, I’d feel way too guilty just abandoning my first tulpa like that. So I started doing research to see if a tulpa who spent most of a year dormant could be brought back. Meanwhile there was a voice in the back of my head practically screaming at me that she was right there. But it couldn’t possibly be her, it must just be an intrusive thought, right? My main reasoning was every time I thought her name, I heard a different name back, that new name being Rebecca, therefore that seems like an intrusive thought. I wasn’t very bright then… but eventually, after a bit of time, I just wanted to see what would happen so I caved in and talked to her. We proceeded to have a full conversation and she told me she was farther along than I had realized, every time I remembered her when she was supposedly dormant, she would try to get my attention, begging me to come back. She was understandably pretty upset about being abandoned for almost a year, and once I realized my mistake I apologized and promised to bring her back, and things improved from there. I do regret just leaving her like that nowadays, we’ve both moved on a long time ago but still, it’s why I tell people to trust their tulpa when they say it’s them speaking.

 

The next about two years were, for the most part, uneventful. The main things of note were that Rebecca solidified her name and form, making her old name her middle name and taking my last name to form her full name. She also developed her own personality, completely independent from me or what I intended for her. Early on, she felt a need to be different than me, still feeling a need to prove her existence. She wanted to act differently than me and like different things. For the most part, she’s mostly over that fear now, but it does still persist in some ways. She’s told me one of the first things she wants to do when switched in for the first time is eat a bacon burger with a coca cola. My absolute least favorite foods that I simply despise, just to do something I would never do. I wasn’t perfect at forcing in this time period, but I put in a good effort and we got along just fine. We even started practicing possession around mid 2018, about two and a half years in, as she had expressed her desire for be more involved in the physical world. Progress was slow though, and by late 2018 things pretty much fell off a cliff.

 

By then the situation around my life had basically fallen apart, and I ended up in quite a terrible place. I developed severe depression, and my issues with doing things got way, way worse. Most days were spent laying around doing absolutely, literally nothing. That also means absolutely no time for Rebecca. Or rather no energy, I had plenty of time but it went to trying and failing to manage everything else in my life. Instead of getting to continue developing herself and make more progress, she took a back seat role and basically became my supporter. She did an excellent job stopping me from blaming myself for everything and attempting to keep my mood up, but it’s not what she truly wanted. She enjoys helping me and has no problem listening to my problems, but she wants her own life too, and I wasn’t able to provide that at the time. I know she wasn’t exactly happy about that during that time, and I felt guilty about that, but she would much rather help me get better than just be angry about it. She understood that even though I might not give her as much time as she wanted, it was still usually more time than I could manage to spend on myself. As long as I could still try my best, then we’d be ok.

 

There was one night where I was feeling particularly bad, and my depression was at a high. I was thinking a lot of bad things about myself, and it started to get a bit out of control. Rebecca quickly stepped in and talked me out of it. She then told me how she felt about me, which she had never really done before, she’s not a very emotional person unlike me, and never really bothers to share. She told me how much she cares about me, and how much she believes in me and wants to see me get better. She gave me a promise as well, that she wouldn’t ever leave me, and would stick with me through anything. That I can also count on her for anything, and that she will make sure I get better. She sure stuck to that promise too. Over the following year or so, I slowly but surely got better. Thanks entirely to her help, I’m nowhere near as depressed as I used to be, and I’m really thankful for that. So crazy to think staying up too late on YouTube one night lead directly to saving me from depression. So that’s where we are today. I’m finally doing much better, even if my situation isn’t improved, my mood sure is. I’m finally ready to give Rebecca what she wants, what I wish I could’ve much sooner, and couldn’t be more excited to do so. Better late than never after all.

 

So there’s our story. Ended up being longer than I expected, sorry for that. I tried to trim it down but it was going to be long no matter what, 5 and a half years is a long time. Felt good to write it all down and look back on, and see just how much we’ve grown. I gained some nice insight writing it all down, so I think it was worth doing.

Hey, I’m Illupepsi, I’m the host of my tulpa Rebecca. 
Drink Pepsi! 

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3 hours ago, Illupepsi said:

She told me how much she cares about me, and how much she believes in me and wants to see me get better. She gave me a promise as well, that she wouldn’t ever leave me, and would stick with me through anything. That I can also count on her for anything, and that she will make sure I get better.

 

Aww ♡ 

Edited by Misha
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  • 3 months later...

So things have been going well. Over the last month or so, I’ve been focusing on trying to improve my ability to do the things I want to do. While I did manage to defeat the sadness and general self hating part of depression, other parts which seem a lot harder to get rid of for me are still here. But I’ve been working on it, and we’ve found a system that works for me, at least for now. It’s an improvement, and it’s better for us both that I can get better at it.

 

As for switching, we haven’t been focused on it too much over the past month or so. Rebecca wanted to take a break from switching for a little bit. She was starting to feel a little frustrated and not like herself after putting in a lot of effort and not getting very much progress, and just wanted to focus on more relaxing stuff in the meantime. She’s different from me in that I tend to want to just brute force things regardless of how it feels, and she doesn’t like feeling frustrated, and would rather take a step back and refocus. She doesn’t get frustrated nearly as easily as I sometimes do, so while it is unusual for her, I wanted to give her however long she needed to just relax, so we’ve just been enjoying things together instead.

 

However, before taking a break, we did make some progress! She managed to control our entire body and walk around for a bit! It seemed to take a lot of effort for her though and she seemed quite exhausted afterwards. I don’t know if it was full body possession or our first switch, since I was still active and it felt similar to previous possessions, but it was still really cool. We’re ready to get back to switching now, and I think we have a good plan. There’s things she likes that I have basically no or little interest in. She gets way more talkative than normal and more than I do when she is engaged in her interests, and we can try to take advantage of that to make her the primary thinker without me interrupting way easier. Probably better than just trying to brute force it I would think. We’re both really excited to get back to switching, and hopefully get more progress soon!

Hey, I’m Illupepsi, I’m the host of my tulpa Rebecca. 
Drink Pepsi! 

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  • 2 months later...

It’s my birthday!!
 

I’m now 6 years old. It’s crazy how fast time can just go by, it doesn’t seem like that long but I guess it is. Either way, I’m really thankful to have been given my own life, and so here’s to many more! We won’t be doing anything too special, but there will at least be cake, and maybe a few other things. It should be fun! 
 

As for an update on our life and progress and stuff, well truth is it really hasn’t been good at all, and it was nothing either of us could control. I’ve felt awful these past couple months, not like myself at all, and my host has felt just as bad if not worse. So it’s been a difficult few months to say the least. Thankfully, I’m feeling mostly better now, and really want to get back to being my usual positive self, for both me and my host, so that’s what I’m gonna work to do! 

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Happy birthday! And here's to a bright new year full of possibilities! 😃

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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