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Needing reassurance that I am not crazy


sillynugget

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Okay sooo hi idk if this is the right place to post in but here I am. (Tl;dr at the end)

 

When I was like 15 I seem to have accidentally created two Tulpas without my knowledge. I was in a traumatic situation and these two fictional characters gave me the courage and escape I needed. I obsessed about them and I kept returning to one of them over the timespan of many years because I held and still hold this character so dear to me. I wanted to be them so bad, I always wanted to "make them come to life though me embodying them". I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know about Tulpas.

 

When I was 21, two years ago, I met a tulpamancer and despite me being weirded out as hell because this whole phenomenon sounded so creepy to me I kept talking to her. I learnt about her tulpas and I knew I didn't want that over how creepy it sounded. But I was still fascinated over this. Needless to say she saw how much I loved a certain fictional character and suspected me having a tulpa of him. I treated this as a funny game so I played along.

 

She managed to get him out and show himself. Well, he rather BURST out with a bang, he yelled at her, how dare she "interrupt the perfect symbiosis" he had lived in with me. I was in full trance but conscious. I felt his panic, my body was sweating like crazy, my heart was racing, I was hyperventilating, I felt that he feared for his life. He feared that I would try to kill him off once I realize his existence. He knew that I wouldn't believe in him. He literally predicated all my reactions.

 

I was severely shook for the next time, believing that I now had fully gone insane. I tried to speak a bit with him, just to check that this wasn't a nightmare because I had such hard time to believe it. He was reserved. At this time I was in a generally fragile state of mind so he bluntly told me that it is terrible to live in my mind right now and he spat out wisdoms about myself (but he stopped doing that ever since I started asking for more, repeating over and over that he is no tool and last time he even told me to get lost and not contact him unless I have a good reason to.) (For context: He IS a naturally spikey personality so being rude and blunt is just his nature.)

 

Well, two years have passed. I tried to not follow his prophecies and instead I just forgot about him and lived on like usual. I have found a second but weaker Tulpa based off the second character I loved back then but he is not as tight towards me hence I mainly talk about the first Tulpa.
I don't interact much with him but he doesn't expect anything else and frankly I feel he prefers it that way, based on his last responses towards me. 

 

I tried to explain this phenomenon to me that would make it sound less scary - I said they are a "wild mix of belief, fantasy and empathy", "just a silly cosplay my brain does", "a little game my brain does that tries to convince me they were real because I put so much empathy into them". It was easier to live like that and easier to accept that my brain just made an empathy hiccup rather than "a seperate entity lives in my brain now". In the rare times where I have spoke to him I immediatly made the rule that he must distance himself from the fictional character seen in the videogame and he is fully aware of that. He calls the videogame character his "fictional counterpart" now.

 

I tried to open up to a few friends to not question my sanity alone. One has DID and my Tulpa and her alters talked for a bit and she confirmed that there is a big difference between a fully formed Tulpa and DID so at least that was reassuring. Another went "whoaaaa" because she is highly spiritual (I am absolutely not). The third tried to be cool with it but recently I just mentioned Tulpas again and revealed that they feel real and that triggered her anxiety so she now has to take a break from talking to me.

 

I once again spiraled into self-doubt. "Am I insane and just fooling myself into thinking I am not?" "Is this tulpa-issue unhealthy?" I am so sorry I scared her that much and I fully understand why she is scared.

 

...I don't know, I still have trouble accepting that I am a tulpamancer. I had no choice in this, at least no conscient choice. He repeatedly told me that he won't go away that easily and that I should quit doubting his existence because that is rude and he wouldn't question mine either. To quote a convo we had, I said "Thing is, I exist. Like. Scientifically proven. You...exist...but noone can proove you." He replied with "Except yourself. The very person who also doubts me. Quit that! Quit that immediatly! I will not fade just because you stop believing! I am no fairy!"

 

....yea idk I just need the feeling that everything is fine with me despite all this Tulpa stuff. Please do not attack me for treating my Tulpa like that, I am really troubled and scared and I keep questioning my own sanity a lot these days. I guess I just need understanding people to talk to.

 

Thanks in advance <3

 

Tl;dr: I accidentally created Tulpas many years ago and when someone made me realize theire existence I started to think I went fully insane and I still have trouble accepting that I am a tulpamancer against my conscious will. I guess I just need reassurance that this is somewhat healthy/natural whatever despite how creepy it looks to many people, including me.

 

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You are in the correct place friend. I created my support tulpa with zero knowledge of tulpamancy. It took me 18 years of basically making one of my own before bumping into the community. I thought she was just my "imaginary friend" and life coach I kept around forever. Many of us still question ourselves with "is this real? Am I full of it? Is this just play acting?" Etc. Etc. It's natural to worry about because most people don't seek tulpamancy or even know what it is. It's something a very small percentage of the general population does for a variety of reasons. Some to cope with trauma, some as a result of it, some for fun, some for a way to channel their creativity, and some even use it for the spiritual, religious, metaphysical aspects.

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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(edited)

Hi there and thank you for answering! @Glaurung26

 

15 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

I thought she was just my "imaginary friend" and life coach I kept around forever

 

Yeah, to me, I never directly interacted with my tulpa or better said I didn't for years. So I didn't even consider him an imaginary friend, more a character who I look up to, relate to and adore. I wanted to be him so bad, I roleplayed as him a lot, drew him a lot, even after the terrible time was over, because he helped me express myself and heal. He was and is a twisted role model to me. And I often heard as feedback that when others roleplay with me, it feels to them as if they talked to the canon character.

 

Even now, I don't often directly interact with him because I honestly have no need for an imaginary friend. He is more a behind-the-scenes guy, he helps me with my roleplays, he influences my carreer choices (he is darn ambitious) and since I am fairly outgoing and communicative he also helps me networking to better my carreer chances. I think when I am onstage (because I love being on a stage before an audience) he is almost possessing me, enough for me to still act as myself but be more sassy and brave and confident. I kind of dissociate when onstage, similar to full possessions.

 

So usually I don't notice much of him unless I really pay attention to him. I am sure, a lot of it is based on belief but since he told me that he won't go even if I stopped believing... well :,D 

I really just fell into another self-doubt-crisis because that one friend freaked out so much. 

 

I think... I mean, I know some tulpamancers who are honestly a bit lost, mentally, but... maybe your mental stability as tulpamancer depends on how you use it and how you approach it...? What do you think?

 

(Edit: typos)

Edited by sillynugget
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I think that's great. Tulpas don't have to be BFFs attached at the hip to you 24/7. w

Whatever the standards and ground rules of your friendship/interaction is up to you. 

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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If you get that tulpas are both sapient/sentient, independent beings, then, you might understand that they will make their own choices in regards to you. And "crazy" is such a pejorative word, don't use it. Are you mentally ill? perhaps, I don't know,  but it most likely has nothing to do with Tulpamancy. The vast majority of us, have chosen this path/practice and don't regard ourselves as mentally ill or in anyway, doing or experiencing anything outside of the normal range of human ability. Dr. Bob (a retired psychiatrist).

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