Adagio & Company

[Adagio]

CV and I have developed a good relationship. We've recently discovered a new overlapping interest between the two of us, so we spend a lot of time watching content related to it and talking about it.

 

Most of our communication is natural at this point. He's used to saying what he wants to say, when he wants to, and it's natural for me to respond to him and not be surprised by him randomly talking. We essentially do everything together. When I'm alone, I talk to him quietly out loud. It's become natural to expect him to be there.

 

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Last month, a couple members of my system were more active, which led us to figure out a couple new things about who is hosting now, and who tends to front and when. We don't keep track of who's fronting. The majority of us have little or no noticable amnesia between each other, which is a huge improvement from about half a year ago. Amnesia only becomes an issue with one member who is not active very often (or at least doesn't want his presence known). I'm not sure how many of us there are - probably somewhere between 5 to 15, as I'm pretty sure of at least 5 of us (CV says 3-15 makes more sense to him, but I think I know better hahaha). I get distressed when I think about it too much, so I've kind of just left it alone. Doesn't bother me to not know, which is something I never thought I'd be able to accept.

 

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I felt like checking on this forum again today. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about systems and the community that I have not been a part of for about a year now. My system is no longer something I obsess over, and I've replaced that portion of my life with a time-consuming interest that I obsess over to possibly unhealthy degrees. It has taught me a lot about myself, and is probably better for me than obsessing over my system ever was.

 

Months ago, I was scared of what would happen if I left the system community behind. I had promises to myself related to the community that meant a lot to me, that I had to break in order to close that chapter of my life. My system was a major part of my life for years, and by extension, so was the communities I was in. I spent hours of my day in system spaces talking about system things, spending hours organizing system stuff and talking to my system.

 

Like many things, it was the right decision at the right time, even if I wish things had worked out differently. I have changed a lot since leaving the community, and I think it has been a positive change for myself. This isn't something I talk about very often, but I wanted to get it off my chest.

 

My system still plays an important role in my life, it is just a fact in my life, rather than something I spend time focused on. I don't really talk to most of my system anymore, unless they reach out to me first. One day, I hope to be able to connect with them again without it distressing me, but for now, I'm ok with where we're at.

 

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I don't know how often I'll check this forum anymore. It is the last system space I have left, and one I've let myself have because it's peaceful here, and I can talk about the parts of myself no one else gets to see. So thank you, for letting me exist here over the years.

[Adagio]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, but was never sure what to type. I sort of want a fresh start with this progress report, because my system has changed too much and it feels like my past is holding me back.

 

Today I decided that I want to be a better host to my system. I asked CV if he wanted more from our life, as in if he wanted his own parts of our life. He pretty much shrugged and made a comment something along the lines of "not really, but it might just be that I'm used to not having anything". Which is true. For almost four years now, he's been there supporting our hosts through everything, without ever having much of his own life in this world.

 

It occurred to me recently that I don't really see him as my equal. I don't consider his opinion or wants or needs outside of when they overlap with mine, or when I know he's right and I'm wrong about something. But I don't set aside time to talk to him. We don't do very much together with the intent of it being together, rather than him commenting on stuff I'm doing.

 

It's disappointing, almost, that I've not paid attention to him the way that he deserves. He's literally kept me alive and semi-functioning for years. He deserves more effort from me, even though he says he doesn't really care and that he's here to support me.

 

He's not the only person in my system. The other person who is like him, I'll call him E. I thought E had left earlier this year because I hadn't heard from him in a while, but it turns out that E was just there being quiet for months.

 

I rarely talk with E. Maybe once every two days, which is not a lot compared to me talking to CV for the majority of the day. The difference between E and CV is that CV actively reaches out to me, whereas E is content to be quiet and not even pay attention to what I'm doing. E developed pretty much all on his own, without much support from me. We used to talk more, though. Similar as with CV, I've never really done anything with him specifically as opposed to him sort of adding on to a conversation I'd be having with someone else.

 

CV and E are both similarly apathetic to getting more attention from me. Which almost makes me feel like I've failed as a host, because neither of them really know what me directly paying attention to them is like, instead of them tagging along in my life.

 

I want to change that. I want to pay more attention to them, and allow them to have their own time to interact with the world, play video games or watch youtube or whatever their interests are. I'm just not really sure where to start because neither of them seem to care very much about this, and I don't want to force them into it.

 

Focusing on my system comes in waves, so this feeling of wanting to do better might not persist, but maybe writing it here will help. I don't talk about my system a lot these days, which is sad in some ways because deep down I really do care about them more than almost anything in the world.